Would you ask your son to leave home?

dirtysexymonkey

victory wrote: »

Most of his friends have pt jobs, some get funded by their parents, none of them volunteer (we just said that to boost his cv)

We had a list in the kitchen of things that had to be done, he did, then he didn't, we had rules, he did then he didn't, he comes into check, then goes out again so we pull him back in and he goes...

and what were the consequences?

January20

victory wrote: »

As many other threads on here I have mentioned my son is soon to be 18 (12 days time) he has many good points and is completely adored but at the mo all his negatives are causing tension, problems, (lack of job, lack of motivation, wasting his time at 6th form seen as he did not pass, demanding money, presents beyond our financial reach for his 18th, lazy, selfish)

We had 'another talk' yesterday, that is all we seem to do because now his 6th form has started he has, you will laugh at this- monday 3 hours, tuesday late in and 4 hours, wednesday 3 hours, thursday until 12pm and friday half a day:rotfl: ridiculous (his idea of getting his teachers to condense it to mon-wed did not work so he has bits here and there)

We said he had to get a job, he says he is a victim or recession, we said we cannot afford his birthday, he said that was his right, we said look after his brother because I will be late back today, he said not unless you pay me, we said he had to get some motivation, he said I do apply for jobs online,he says he cannot work weekends would interfeer with his football, we said he has to work every single day after school, we said volunteer and get your cv up, he said he is not doing anything that is not paid, we said get your face and name about and even if it is a xmas job if you do a good job they may extend it, he says it is not what you know but who you know, we agree to a point but he hasto be out there doing, he shouts, he gets angry, he is non communicative, he expects.

So, as you know he is madly in love with his gf and practically lives there, when he comes home to get changed or wait for his gf to finish work he kicks off every time, how hard done by he is, how the dinner is not good enough, how he has no money how all his mates have driving lessons, how his life is rubbish, how they are all getting a car for their 18th, how it is embarrasing not to have a mobile.

So, I took him into town, offered him clothes primark-no, a new mobile-no has to be £30 contract said no, that is a present for 24 months until he is 20 def no. Clothes from TK MAX no, on and on it went and he came home empty handed, we have now done the yes or no take your first answer and it was all no so that is it, do not get it offered again.

It is so bad here when he is here my heart sinks with dread, OH hates it and little one has given up looking forward to seeing his big bro, so, would you politely, calmly and lovingly explain to him how much he is adored, how we can't tolerate this behaviour anymore and how we would like him to move out?

The idea is he goes humpy to his gf, his gf parents do not want him there all the time and he realises what side his bread is buttered and his life is not so bad and comes back apologizing and changes his ways.

Too risky?

I haven't read the other posts so I hope I'm not just repeating what has been said. Remember I have a dd just a little older so I'm not just using theory here

I would stop giving him any kind of financial help: no paying for his football, phone, no buying beer he can help himself to, etc. Then I would give him a month: pull your socks up, show you are working hard at school, get a part time job (or at least show effort but might not tell him that) or you are out.

You say he is adored. That's the problem. He knows he is adored and he now needs a little bit of tough love.

Now, I will catch up with the other replies!

Gillyx

I laughed he won't work weekends because it would interfere with his football. What does he think you and his dad work for? Surely that interferes with your lives but you have to get on with it.

If he isn't willing to work weekends as a student, the only places that would reasonably take him on would be banking call centres, a lot of people I know worked for HSBC, First Direct, Halifax etc Mon-Fri 5pm-9pm. It is a big commitment though, as it's EVERY night, but it would enable his weekends to be free. Any other sort of job, retail or in the catering industry will require him to work weekends, as it's when they're busiest.

I'm really not sure what you'd have to do to give him a reality check. If he's moaning about the dinners I'd stop cooking for him, hide the snacks, stop doing his washing. I'd use this as a last resort before going down the throwing out road.

the_cat

victory wrote: »

We had a list in the kitchen of things that had to be done, he did, then he didn't, we had rules, he did then he didn't, he comes into check, then goes out again so we pull him back in and he goes...

What are the consequences when he breaks the rules? Are they 100% followed to the letter every time? Does he have to earn back whatever the privileges are by good behaviour over a proper period of time?

In essence, are you giving him the opportunity to learn that this sort of behaviour doesn't pay?

January20

victory wrote: »

I also said to him as I had seen it on a chat room that because it was 18th to get 18 little presents, like he loves salted almonds, chocs etc just £1 worth each, like stocking fillers I suppose but in a 18th context, I said that was going to do that but because you are what you are you would rip them open and be ungrateful and keep looking for your main present, the big one, that the silly mothers touch would not impress you, he said 'well yes but I still would have a main present' everyone gets......

Why are you "discussing" his present? It's a present! he gets what he gets. He gets what you can afford. He gets what you think is suitable! End of!

With all due respect, I think you are a big part of the problem - Please don't be offended I don't mean to offend you but I've read a lot of your posts lately and I thin you are too soft with him. (or perhaps I'm just a hard cow? )

ETA: I wouldn't suggest volunteer work at this point because he needs a good carrot for going to work and in his mind volunteer work is not worth it as he won't get paid.

victory

pinkshoes wrote: »

No offence, but he sounds and is behaving like a spoiled little sh*t!

What share of the housework does he carry out? What responsibilities at home does he have? How much allowance does he get?

At 18, when I was doing A Levels, I had a list of weekly chores to complete (cooking a meal, emptying dishwasher, putting washing on line, gardening etc...) and in exchange I got a monthly allowance.

The allowance amount was enough to cover clothes, make-up, shoes, accessories, entertainment etc... and I had to write a list of everything I would "need" in a year, how much each item cost, then work that out as a monthly amount. I had to argue each item and prove I needed it, and prove the cost was reasonable!

I'd have a family meeting, and let your son know that now he's going to be turning 18, what you expect of him if he intends to carry on living with you.

No offence taken:D I told him in thetalks last night that he is behaving like a 5 year old that is throwing a temper tantrum, that he has some daft ideas of what an 18th should be that he has never had those things so why make out now that he is to get them? He said 18th is the most important birthday of life and all his friends get it.

No allowance, money here and there but no strict allowance, he does his sunday jobs, hoovering, dusting, windows, dishwasher etc, so does the little one always has done always will do, little one does it happily, eldest moaning but does it.

He knows we expect him to be plesent, non demanding, co-operative, helpful, reasonable in his requests, non confrontational, just be within the family and help ,see everyones point of view not just his

victory

January20 wrote: »

I haven't read the other posts so I hope I'm not just repeating what has been said. Remember I have a dd just a little older so I'm not just using theory here

I would stop giving him any kind of financial help: no paying for his football, phone, no buying beer he can help himself to, etc. Then I would give him a month: pull your socks up, show you are working hard at school, get a part time job (or at least show effort but might not tell him that) or you are out.

You say he is adored. That's the problem. He knows he is adored and he now needs a little bit of tough love.

Now, I will catch up with the other replies!

We pay for his football subs, he has no mobile phone, he washed it by accident and was not replaced. All of the above we tell him over and over again even told him if he was this bad at 6th form this year he should leave and get out into the real work/world and contribute, he said no, his grades are 2 years combined and he would have lost 1 year and not achieved his a levels.

He is adored, he has got tough love, no washing clothes, no food buying, no money that went well he caved in after a week and apologized but once the dust settled he reverted to type, we did it again and he apologized and he...

JLL

I feel i've just read my life in your post. My step son who i absolutlely adore, i have love him as much as if i had given birth to him. But we had all this trouble about 18 months ago. He got himself a girlfriend and from that moment on he became a complete pain in the a**e. He lived with us cause he hated his mother and i mean HATED, he didn't even want her to met his gf. He was doing A levels in 6th form (same as his gf) but she decided half way through her first year that it wasn't for her and decided she was going to college. So he decided the same. We had row after row about it. But his biggest gripe was that gf got EMA and he thought he should get it too, but we earned too much money. Next thing we knew he had made up with his mom and left our house and moved in with her and guess what he got EMA cause she was a single parent.

When things were at their worst i would cry at work to my friends and when i came home i used to sit in the car for 10 mins cause i knew what i would be walking in to as soon as i got in the house. He would sit in his bedroom all day and do nothing. I would ask him to wash up and he would say oh sorry i didn't see the dishes.

His mom was glad to have him back cause she now gets maintenance but the down side is he now sit's up till 4 in the morning with xbox, laptop and tv on. He keeps her and his brothers awake (he isn't the quietest of people) and he is eating here out of house and home, to the point she is now working 7 days a week cause she can't keep up and he won't always come home for tea when she cooks it. So now she is having stand up rows with him. I wonder which she would rather have a quiet house or the maintenance (just to point out i can't stand the women).

His gf also has dumped him because she couldn't stand him in her house all the time and she got fed up with his attitude, which we told him would happen.

But the one thing he has realised is he now wishes he had stayed at 6th form and got his A levels cause now all his mates have gone off to UNI and he has another 12 months left at college

Kick him out and enjoy the rest while you can, he will realise what he has but it may take some time and when he comes back put the ground rules in place and stick to them. I wish my son (i've never called him step son) still lived with us cause i do miss him strangeley enough and if he wanted to come back i would have him back in a heart beat (my DH says he would have to seriously think about it).

The upside of him going is my electric has come down and my food bill.

newcook

Gillyx wrote: »

I laughed he won't work weekends because it would interfere with his football. What does he think you and his dad work for? Surely that interferes with your lives but you have to get on with it.

If he isn't willing to work weekends as a student, the only places that would reasonably take him on would be banking call centres, a lot of people I know worked for HSBC, First Direct, Halifax etc Mon-Fri 5pm-9pm. It is a big commitment though, as it's EVERY night, but it would enable his weekends to be free. Any other sort of job, retail or in the catering industry will require him to work weekends, as it's when they're busiest.

I'm really not sure what you'd have to do to give him a reality check. If he's moaning about the dinners I'd stop cooking for him, hide the snacks, stop doing his washing. I'd use this as a last resort before going down the throwing out road.

I think he may be moaning it will interfere with football is that a lot of football is done saturday morning/afternoon so a saturday job would be 'no good'

As you rightly said, pubs/restaurants need additional staff of a weekend due to it being their busiest times but its also usually on an evening/sunday afternoon so this wouldn’t interfere with footie (win-win situation!)

Gillyx

To be honest it sounds like he's playing you, he knows he can apologise and it'l all be fine again. I'd do it, even to give him a shock, and I can bet your bottom dollar he'l come back with his tail between his legs.