Would you ask your son to leave home?

lilac_lady

Do his friends have part time jobs or are volunteers? Is he hanging around people who get everything provided for nothing in return?

I'd ask him if he would prefer to live elsewhere. If he says yes, let him go but keep the door open for him. If he says no, give him a set of rules/values and if he doesn't stick to them and show some respect then I'd ask him to find other accommodation.

rachbc

Chucking him out is a very high risk strategy and unless yo are absolutely certain he will come back not something i would advise. How is being homeless and rejected by his parents going to motivate him? if we won't do anything with support the chances of him doing it without and even slimmer. it may well be a short sharp shock but it may also be the start of worse...

What if he gf parents do take him in and allow hom to stay - what will you do then?

victory

the_cat wrote: »

In all honestly I don't think I could bring myself to do it.

How is he funding his day to day life at the moment? Who is paying for the football? His clothes? His entertainment and all the other hundred things that a teenager 'needs'? I'm guessing it is you. If you want him to get the motivation to do something, then you need to hand over the responsibility of funding his life to HIM. Let him earn your financial support by looking for work,volunteering, helping with his brother etc. Whatever you decide on, he needs to be told in advance and told of the consequence (which he will doubtless not believe at the time, so you MUST follow through)

If he says no, then cut the purse strings. Completely. Don't argue or reason with him. Just withdraw all funds. He will soon realise that it is in his best interests to stop being a brat

Football £6 subs a week us, very begrudgingly because I pointedo ut to him that £24 a month we are nearly subbing you the equivalent of a mobile contract, it is due to go up to £7 middle of this month.

Some clothes primark ones his gf, meals out and stuff favour for favour within his mates, games for xbox he swaps them, cinema his gf or early tuesdays etc some of his mates sub him a few £.

We have tried everything talking, not talking, calmly talking, family meetings, making a joke of it, ignoring it, explaining it, reasoning it, you name it, my son willtell you how many times he has been pulled up for it but still it goes on

pollyskettle

victory wrote: »

I want to get away from the chucking out, from my point of view, his mother, I gave birth to him, I loved him then and adore him now, I want to ask him to leave for all our sakes, he is naiive and unwordly, narrow minded and cannot see that sure we are not as rich as all his other friends but we love him, care for him, have his back, will do anything for him but cannot tolerate what he has turned himself into, sure could be a passing phase but it has been like this for such a long time I THINK we have all forgotten how could it used to be and all we see now is each others negatives.

Don't get me wrong, I was brought up in a very loving household too. I was positively worshipped by my grand parents, my mother also lived with us and worked full time, but I was, and still am, very much loved by her. We have all maintained a lovely family relationship in the years since.The words you use above are very similar to the words used by the family in the conversations we had in the days following my 'departure'.

I still consider myself to have been "chucked out".

pinkshoes

No offence, but he sounds and is behaving like a spoiled little sh*t!

What share of the housework does he carry out? What responsibilities at home does he have? How much allowance does he get?

At 18, when I was doing A Levels, I had a list of weekly chores to complete (cooking a meal, emptying dishwasher, putting washing on line, gardening etc...) and in exchange I got a monthly allowance.

The allowance amount was enough to cover clothes, make-up, shoes, accessories, entertainment etc... and I had to write a list of everything I would "need" in a year, how much each item cost, then work that out as a monthly amount. I had to argue each item and prove I needed it, and prove the cost was reasonable!

I'd have a family meeting, and let your son know that now he's going to be turning 18, what you expect of him if he intends to carry on living with you.

skylight

This is the horrible bit. Realising you have to push them more than you have ever pushed them before for their own good.

My 17yo pregnant one who allegedly hates me more than anything so is currently at her Dads (in the stink-hole she hates) is waiting for me to apologise for an argument we never had; because its my fault she had an argument with her Nan. Go figure. But she still calls me this morning asking to borrow £10 to get to a college interview...... Its heartbreaking, but peaceful at the same time. The household is calmer and happier without her here. But I hate this "having to teach her a lesson" that she needs to realise she needs me more than anyone else at the moment.

I dont envy you. Its a carp situation to be in. But they do grow up and in a few years things should be better. I am in the ask him to leave camp - or rather an offer that he has a job within 4-weeks (paying or voluntary) or its finding another place to live. He may well take the later option immediately or shock him into action. You are a parent but also a human being too and you need that space as much as he does.

((HUGS)) Because you need them.

materialgirl

hi

im trying to put myself in your sons shoes.
He's using the excuse of the recession, to not get a job.
Have you explained to him how much time he has inbetween classes to get a job? I think chucking him out will lead to worse things, so perhaps you could start charging him rent, or paying him (if you can) to do small jobs around the house. He suggested you pay him to look after his brother? This could lead him into perhaps (if he's ok) to work at Football clinics during the school holidays?
Or perhaps get a PT job at a sports store?
Maybe if he gets a job at a sports store, it may give him discounts for clothes that he actually wears?

hope this helps

victory

lilac_lady wrote: »

Do his friends have part time jobs or are volunteers? Is he hanging around people who get everything provided for nothing in return?

I'd ask him if he would prefer to live elsewhere. If he says yes, let him go but keep the door open for him. If he says no, give him a set of rules/values and if he doesn't stick to them and show some respect then I'd ask him to find other accommodation.

Most of his friends have pt jobs, some get funded by their parents, none of them volunteer (we just said that to boost his cv)

We had a list in the kitchen of things that had to be done, he did, then he didn't, we had rules, he did then he didn't, he comes into check, then goes out again so we pull him back in and he goes...

dirtysexymonkey

throw him out. for his own sake. you raised him, he needs to be away from the people who made him like he is in order to grow up.

if he wont go, show him your posts about him on here and hell go without a second glance.

victory

rachbc wrote: »

Chucking him out is a very high risk strategy and unless yo are absolutely certain he will come back not something i would advise. How is being homeless and rejected by his parents going to motivate him? if we won't do anything with support the chances of him doing it without and even slimmer. it may well be a short sharp shock but it may also be the start of worse...

What if he gf parents do take him in and allow hom to stay - what will you do then?

No ,no he will not be homeless he has a gf he practically liveswith now so no absolutely would not even consider it if he was in a ny way to be homeless, no.

We expect his gf to not want him there full time, they think the world of him but there is a difference between him coming and going and living there?