Would you ask your son to leave home?

victory

the_cat wrote: »

Which would be fair enough, if he also began to pay rent and his portion of the utilities and food. Non-starter imo!!

OP - the fact that he only behaves like this with you/your oh is very telling..... he has either found it to be an effective way of getting what he wants or the best way to get your attention. Which do you think it is?

He never gets what he wants that is why this all flairs up constantly because we cannot give him what he wants he gets angry and frustrated and shaky and jealous of all his mates, he sees the world out there having a lot more than he ever gets and wants to scream how unfair it is.

It is not attention, he tells me everything, he knows I am there for him, he talks to me, talks to his dad, we help with all his problems be it school etc but we cannot help him with the one thins he really wants a massive shing ding of an 18th birthday with money thrown in for good measure

Blackpool_Saver

victory wrote: »

No one out there sees the wrong, it is just here in the house that he has many many issues, so hard done by

They always do it with the ones they feel safe with, he wont do it at the GF's house he wont want to lose her/upset them will he?

pigpen

victory wrote: »

Gained? It did not change things in this house, no.

Did you make any changes? Or did you all just carry on as normal.. not happy with the situation and not prepareed to do anything to change it.

Made him this way? No, he did by expecting the world, my 11 year old is happy with the clothes/toys/beanos/books we get him from the car boot sale and asks for nothing, so I have one that is pure lovely and one that is so starry eyed over what his friends have got he wants but cannot get it from us and walks around, jealous, frustrated, angry and resentful at the world and us.

Of course you did.. same as I made one of mine a diva.. which I am working to change, by giving without expecting anything in return isnt really teaching them anything though is it? DS2 was lovely at 11.. at 15 he is bit of a git TBH.

The gf parents absolutely think the world of him and have often said for him to stay permanently otherwise this question would never be coming up, I KNOW as a fact not just as well as him to leave and we shall see, that would be very irresponsible of me not rude.

But did you not say previously they get fed up of him being there which is when he comes wheedling back to your house with his fake apology?

OH has worked since he was 16 straight from school and has never been without, he is not up for discussion, he has done nothing wrong, he works in the house, fixes his own cars, has hobbies, is very active and cannot understand how he has a child/man that has no work ethic, my OH had 3 JOBS when we needed it, he would work anywhere do anything knock on anyones door to help us as a family, he cooks, irons, hoovers, does everything, he is not in question

I wasnt knocking OH I was just questioning whether DS was copying his behaviour..

Noone here can change things for you but 99% of them are saying the same thing.. stop being his slave and doing everything for him.

Kicking him out just pushes him further away.. he WILL outgrow it.. give him 2 years he will be a completely different person.. and a further 5 he might actually be responsible and sensible..

My oldest is 20 in 3 weeks.. he took maybe 3 years to realise life wasnt going to do anything for him. he finished his A-levels this summer and was not happy with his grades.. admitted!!! of his own free will!! He was to blame and he should have worked harder.. that is like the sky falling down!! Him wrong?!

He applied for a job yesterday at a Greggs type shop.. Doofus writes in response to what assets will you bring to the company? .. Well I like cake and sausage rolls! erm.. ok...

We are going to be looking at CVs and discussing application forms when he comes round later... not doing it for him but guiding him so he knows for the future.

jakes-mum

Victory, I read alot of your threads but dont often comment, your son amazes me to be honest. I was told at 13 'get a paper round' so I did, 2 of them. The day I brought home my first 'wage' my dad said 'no more pocket money now' so I used my wage to buy all my wants, and they still paid my needs (i only earnt £5 for the 2 :rotfl:).

At 16 my sisters friend got me a job down the local bakers oven, i got up at 5am some days to walk to work (now THAT was a shock to the system!!) and thats the day they stopped paying for going out clothes, it was food and uniforms and maybe some treats every so often.

18 it was full time job and pay for meself (was supposed to pay £50 rent a month . . . oh how I miss those days . . . and I might not have been fabulous at remembering that :A) and I didnt go on holiday with them either, me and now DH paid for our own.

For as long as I can remember I was expected to start dinner after school, if you didnt cook, you washed up after (no dishwasher for us) and were all of us were frequently shouted at to get off our bums and help clean. We didnt get paid for it, it was part of being a family, you lived in the house, you ate the food provided for free you blinking well helped out.

Seriously, just the stuff you've offered, can I be you child cos I swear I wouldnt throw it back!! I'd be over the moon :rotfl::T

victory

easy wrote: »

But then his gf's family will have to feed and clothe him :mad:, do his washing, etc etc .

No matter how much they like him, that isn't fair.

He is YOUR child (and he is still behaving as a child with you), he continues to be your responsibility, until he takes responsibilty for himself.

The least you should do if you give him this ultimatum, is let her parents know what is happening, and tell them why, and let them know it's OK for them to tell him to "go back home".

The gf parents are doing up their house, practically putting on an extension other houseto it, son helps, paints, pulls banisters down, gets rid of the rubble etc and does not get paid but paid in food, accomo etc, questioned it with him and he said no they don't mind feeding him and him being there etc because it is favour for favour, he has just finished with gf his gf room and they are very pleased with the results.

Because he is a runner and gf uncle too, gf uncle paid for his half mile marathon raising money for help for heroes asa thank you for the work he did in the house.

True I have no intention of telling son without gettting gf mum on board. It is more of a planned ask to leave not a kick out to the streets

Sambucus_Nigra

victory wrote: »

He never gets what he wants that is why this all flairs up constantly because we cannot give him what he wants he gets angry and frustrated and shaky and jealous of all his mates, he sees the world out there having a lot more than he ever gets and wants to scream how unfair it is.

The way I see it - it's your job to help him get what he wants, not to just give it to him. You have had 18 years to instill into him how to get what he wants, through working, negotiation, bartering, teamwork etc - you aren't going to do this in 12 days.

It's also your job to teach him the finances of living; and if you haven't done so then now's the time. Hence sitting him down and talking about how he is going to fund his keep in 12 days time.

victory

jakes-mum wrote: »

Victory, I read alot of your threads but dont often comment, your son amazes me to be honest. I was told at 13 'get a paper round' so I did, 2 of them. The day I brought home my first 'wage' my dad said 'no more pocket money now' so I used my wage to buy all my wants, and they still paid my needs (i only earnt £5 for the 2 :rotfl:).

At 16 my sisters friend got me a job down the local bakers oven, i got up at 5am some days to walk to work (now THAT was a shock to the system!!) and thats the day they stopped paying for going out clothes, it was food and uniforms and maybe some treats every so often.

18 it was full time job and pay for meself (was supposed to pay £50 rent a month . . . oh how I miss those days . . . and I might not have been fabulous at remembering that :A) and I didnt go on holiday with them either, me and now DH paid for our own.

For as long as I can remember I was expected to start dinner after school, if you didnt cook, you washed up after (no dishwasher for us) and were all of us were frequently shouted at to get off our bums and help clean. We didnt get paid for it, it was part of being a family, you lived in the house, you ate the food provided for free you blinking well helped out.

Seriously, just the stuff you've offered, can I be you child cos I swear I wouldnt throw it back!! I'd be over the moon :rotfl::T

My parents had a business and after school I worked ther efrom the age of 9 helping out, not many hours but it is a good work ethic, my OH had a paper round and 2 other jobs by the time he was 15, we have told him all that he says 'that was 30 years ago, it is all different now'

When I was 16 I had 2 jobs by 18 three part time jobs and that has been all the way through, taking time off for kids and now illness OH wants to shake him with the frustration he feels that our son is jobless, sure maybe it was easier those days but my parents put in at least a 15 hour day in their business and I was always expected to help

Blackpool_Saver

My son also does the 2-3 day a week college thing, and they think this will prepare them for the world of work, it's a joke, the kids are clueless, lazy and without original thoughts, they are spoon fed and taught about THEIR rights, it is very interesting that the powers (lol) that be are finally getting round to being more physical with the lazy !!!!less hoodlums in the classroom (not your kid Victory)

victory

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

The way I see it - it's your job to help him get what he wants, not to just give it to him. You have had 18 years to instill into him how to get what he wants, through working, negotiation, bartering, teamwork etc - you aren't going to do this in 12 days.

It's also your job to teach him the finances of living; and if you haven't done so then now's the time. Hence sitting him down and talking about how he is going to fund his keep in 12 days time.

Not sure i understand what you mean? He wanted a x box game never paid £40 for one refused so he would have to work and pay half, he wants £60 nike trainers absolutely refused so he worked and paid £30, he wanted a ticket to see thewantedso traded in his games to fund it, he wanted to go to Spain so he took a banana packing job for the summer and funded it himself, we paid for the flight he paid for the clothes and his spends, he has had a few jobs, he has funded, he has seen it is too costly and asked to go halves and we have, he had a rip roaring school business selling sweets and cans of pop, he did well and funded his needs, that was years ago though, nothing much shince.

victory

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

My son also does the 2-3 day a week college thing, and they think this will prepare them for the world of work, it's a joke, the kids are clueless, lazy and without original thoughts, they are spoon fed and taught about THEIR rights, it is very interesting that the powers (lol) that be are finally getting round to being more physical with the lazy !!!!less hoodlums in the classroom (not your kid Victory)

It is a joke, he barely goes