Would you ask your son to leave home?

mintymoneysaver

My friend and I were only bemoaning the selfishness of teenagers yesterday. i know that I wasn't particularly nice to my mum as a teenager, but I certainly didn't expect the things that my daughter does. I think half her problem is that she has friends ( nice Church secondary school) who are all from fairly similar backgrounds, too rich to be poor, too poor to be rich, and she has always taken for granted what they all have. She has never seen or understood real hardship, she has a loving family,a roof, food.
However we have never given in to certain things that some of the others have got, own laptop, on the insurance for the car etc. One, because we don't see the need, and two, because we can't afford it. She has had driving lessons, some paid by us as a 17th present, others she has paid herself through her part time job, but she won't be able to afford to drive as there is no way I am forking out another £150 a month to put her on the insurance. But she moans about being badly done too, because I think we have always done our best for them so they have never seen wht life can really be like for those with little money. We've made rods for our own back in a way.
She is having an 18th party, but that's because at the moment we can afford it, and it's not going to be the massive affair that some of the others seem to be having. But I've already told her that if she wants her make up doing, then she'll be paying for that, I'll buy the dress but she'll be buying all the stuff to go with it.
If I had got the text that you got then I honestly don't know what I'd do. On principal I'd be telling him to get lost, but in our hearts we want to do everything we can for them. They may be adults to everyone else, but they are still our children. I am just hoping that when daughter goes to uni next year, and has to match up her own socks ( and yes, she could do that herself, but if you're sorting 4 sets of socks out already it doesn't take any longer) then she'll appreciate all that we've done...

victory

Thank you I appreciate your post, the text well yes, the text, have not slept much, can't believe the silly sausage thinks he can 'play me' and a I would not know about it b I would let it lie and C that would make me go out and buy buy buy, silly silly boy. Backs right up now.

claire16c

I would definitely not be buying his provisional!! Thats playing right into his hands. Youve already given him the money for that and he chose not to spend it on it.

I would give him £x that you were planning to spend on him for his birthday, and if he is clever enough to use it to buy the provisional so be it. If hes not then he'll look like a plonker infront of his gf and her parents.

Asking for £200-300 is just a joke! Im lucky enough that my parents are quite well off, but I remember I got £50 for my 18th plus a few bits like a jumper and perfume or something that Id asked for - when my Mum asked me what I wanted - NOT the other way around! They probably could have afforded to have given me more, but the fact is just because you turn 18 doesnt mean you should be getting some crazy present! I also knew that getting a ton of presents wasnt the be all and end all. I got to go on a very nice family holiday every year whereas some people I knew would get tvs and all sorts for their birthdays but never got to go anywhere. At 18 you are old enough to know there is a family budget and it cant stretch to everything and compromises have to be made.

victory

claire16c wrote: »

I would definitely not be buying his provisional!! Thats playing right into his hands. Youve already given him the money for that and he chose not to spend it on it.

I would give him £x that you were planning to spend on him for his birthday, and if he is clever enough to use it to buy the provisional so be it. If hes not then he'll look like a plonker infront of his gf and her parents.

Asking for £200-300 is just a joke! Im lucky enough that my parents are quite well off, but I remember I got £50 for my 18th plus a few bits like a jumper and perfume or something that Id asked for - when my Mum asked me what I wanted - NOT the other way around! They probably could have afforded to have given me more, but the fact is just because you turn 18 doesnt mean you should be getting some crazy present! I also knew that getting a ton of presents wasnt the be all and end all. I got to go on a very nice family holiday every year whereas some people I knew would get tvs and all sorts for their birthdays but never got to go anywhere. At 18 you are old enough to know there is a family budget and it cant stretch to everything and compromises have to be made.

It has got now that I don't care, obviously I am going to have to take a more adult approach to all this because his birthday is 10 days away but after the text and lack of sleep I feel vengeful rather than logical.

My mum lived in Spain so every year he got a hol, he has forgotten that, he was not allowed to got to USA with his school for £850 he remembers that

mountainofdebt

victory wrote: »

No, he passed some failed others, he says it works on 2 years not just the one year, that he will pick up better grades next year and he will be fine in terms of qualifications for university, he coasted this year and maybe will put a bit of effort into next year. Do you know even his teachers are a bit perplexed, they had him down as a passer.

Don't you just love it when they think they have all the answers?

Whilst he is technically correct hasn't he twigged that by taking the approach that he has, that he has made life more difficult for himself in terms of needing to make up ground in the A2 exams - which by definition are more difficult that the AS exams - to get the grades that he needs?

tbh I think the best approach would be to drop all talk of his 18th - you're obviously justifiably upset and that any conversations about it are now non constructive and I suspect he's doing it to wind you up.

As for getting a job, perhaps you could do what I did - apply on line on Junior's behalf and tell him he's going to the interview whether he likes it or not!

diggle

I have read through all the posts and have to say we were in similar situation some years ago,although my son has worked paper rounds ,kitchen jobs,washing up etc sine 16.he still expected more ,we were in a position to pay for his driving lessons and purchase his first car[and old fiesta]but he always seemed to want more ,and did no chores at home despite me telling him there was no''magic faries'' in the house to pick up his clothes ,do the dishes he left in the sink[real bugbear as when i left for work sink empty ,guess what on my return?]trouble was i could not leave said dishes or clothes i had to sort them[possible ocd..lol]
Now he has been left home somewhile [and you will see from my other posts can still be pain in the proverbial]but that said he does always work has never been unemployed ,okay maybe not academically accomplished but he enjoys what he does,has no car as for 1 he does not need one and 2 cannot afford to run one.
He takes care of himself ,goes to the gym,cooks and cleans and sorts his own finances ,so it's as it should be he has to make his own way and learn by his own mistakes.
Hope you come to a happy solution for your sake more than your sons,because i feel your anguish and sorrow,it's heartwrenching for you probably more so than OH blokes always seem to detatch from the emotional aspect and go straight to practical answer...damn them.
In years to come you will be able to look back on this time and see it for what it is.,and hopefully get some reward from beautiful grandchildren who at some point will give your son the same grief he now presents you with.xx

mountainofdebt

diggle wrote: »

hopefully get some reward from beautiful grandchildren who at some point will give your son the same grief he now presents you with.xx

And I think that's the point - some teenagers need to have teenage children of their own before they realise what little !!!!! they were themselves (doesn't help their parents though when they're still teenagers!)

Bennifred

victory wrote: »

No, he passed some failed others, he says it works on 2 years not just the one year, that he will pick up better grades next year and he will be fine in terms of qualifications for university, he coasted this year and maybe will put a bit of effort into next year. Do you know even his teachers are a bit perplexed, they had him down as a passer.

The trouble is, if he has poor results at AS, even if he gets 100% in everything this year his overall grades will not be very good. The two years are NOT treated separately, whatever he says - all of the marks for the two years are combined to give the overall A level grade.
Also, he's kidding himself (and you, by the sound of it) if he thinks any decent university will offer him a place - they will know what his AS results are (because applications are done before the A level results, the AS results and his teacher predicted grades are all they have to go on). Actually, if he's a coaster, university probably isn't the place for him anyway. I think that would be another few years of misery for you!

neverdespairgirl

victory wrote: »

No, he passed some failed others, he says it works on 2 years not just the one year, that he will pick up better grades next year and he will be fine in terms of qualifications for university, he coasted this year and maybe will put a bit of effort into next year. Do you know even his teachers are a bit perplexed, they had him down as a passer.

So what does he actually do all the time? He doesn't work, plays football a bit, doesn't study enough? It certainly doesn't sound as if he is stupid, just a lack of hard work?

neverdespairgirl

victory wrote: »

Yes often. My OH and I have no iphone, no latest gadgets, no designer clothes, no gourmet meals out, no latest of anything really and we get by, we are happy, we save, we wait, we accept it is like that, we appreciate what we have got, we have nothing on tick, we are not rich, we do have a lovely house that is well taken care of, lovely smelly flowers in the garden,food in the fridge,no one has ever gone without their dinner, lunch box, breakfast, the odd lager for the football, a glass of wine,

I think some of the other posters are being a bit harsh in blaming you for his attitude. He's 18 (or almost so) and he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. I don't think you've necessarily spoiled him.