Would you ask your son to leave home?

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

Accorfding to son £200/£300 maybe more would be an ideal birthdya gift along with presents, we cannot afford that and had never that amount in mind, it was made clear to him, all lthe way through that it was unrealistic and would not happen.

have you now decided exactly what you are getting him for his birthday? I'd get him his provisional licence and that would be it - originally I'd have said plan to spend what you could afford on him, but you've given him options, tried to compromise with him, and I know you won't like me saying this (I wouldn't if someone said it about my DD) but your son's actions with his gf's parents just smack of sneaky, snide, sly little sh*t.

So it would be provisional licence, so he can use the present he's "poor little me"d out of gf's parents, a card, and that would be it.

I just can't imagine ever being pandered to as much as your son has been with regard to all the discussions that have gone on about what he can have for his birthday. I didn't have a clue what I was getting for my birthday when I was 18, and wouldn't have thought to present a list of expensive stuff to my parents. I suspect I would have got bog-all if I'd attempted that - and that would be exactly what I deserved!

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

They won't do this for ever. His friends will soon be asking him why he hasn't got a job and, if he keeps holding his hand out to the GF'f parents, they'll start getting fed up too.

HIS GF PARENTS 'pay him' for his work in the house, they feed him as a thank you, they have paid well the uncle did for his number for help the heroes half marathon, they donated a large pledge for his charity if he finishes the race, his gf has a students discount and will pay for him to buy a pair of jeans as a thank you for letting her keep the money for babysitting her cousins, one of his friends pays for his train ticket if he pays the football tickets which he got free from the sun newspaper, all done that way, nothing major but he gets by, like they say every little helps:D

victory

Bennifred wrote: »

I'm afraid this is another example of how you pander to him. If he has had the money for a provisional licence once, then you should not be getting him another one, regardless of whether someone else gives him driving lessons, or not. If he can't use the driving lessons - so what? It's no skin off your nose. And stop paying his football subs. It's just rubbish to say he'll turn to crime if you give him nothing. I have 3 boys (youngest is just 18) and all of them have earned their own spends from the age of 13 (paper rounds) then supermarkets from 16, all whilst at school. If he wants to play football - let him earn the money. You are enabling his poor behaviour.

AS BLACK AND white as it can be seen, there are grey areas also, stopping all his money done, football subs still pay for, his gf sees to his cinema, meals out on 2-1, his gf parents 'pay him' for his decorating, see above post etc

vlevans

I haven't read all of this thread but just thought I'd add that your son sounds infuriating!
By the time I was 18 1/2 I'd been working weekends and evenings after school and 6th form for 3 years saved up most of my wages for a deposit and moved in with my fianc!. Admittedly in 2003 you didn't need the deposit you do now but we worked damn hard to save and get where we are now (27 and 25 one daughter and another on the way moving into a 4 bed house in a very nice part of town!:D) and very proud of it
Your son needs to grow up and learn to look after himself and you never know maybe if he has to then he'll realise what you and your husband do for him and see how good the had it!

P.s Sorry if I sound like I'm boasting or woe is me look how hard I had to work to get where i am! I don't mean to

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

HIS GF PARENTS 'pay him' for his work in the house, they feed him as a thank you, they have paid well the uncle did for his number for help the heroes half marathon, they donated a large pledge for his charity if he finishes the race, his gf has a students discount and will pay for him to buy a pair of jeans as a thank you for letting her keep the money for babysitting her cousins, one of his friends pays for his train ticket if he pays the football tickets which he got free from the sun newspaper, all done that way, nothing major but he gets by, like they say every little helps:D

you know, you son is clearly a very resourceful youngster - he won't stick for money, so I really would step back now, do the monthly expenses thing (at the bare minimum) into his bank account, and leave him to it. He might surprise himself!

victory

theoretica wrote: »

I haven't read all your posts, but it seems to me that you might want to think not just about now, but what he can expect looking ahead. Will you be contributing one he finishes 6th form? What will the rules be for rent? If he moves out will he keep his room or must he clear it so you can rent it out/use it as a guest room?

A few thoughts:
Does he ask you what you want for your birthday presents? How about instituting presents are freely given gifts and shall be surprises?

At 18 he is an adult; you could stop paying allowance, but offer a similar wage for looking after his younger sibling (reliably, as arranged, and happily for the younger one!) and housework of the sort an equal member of the household should do (without moaning).

I know someone who simply raised the rent she charged her son until he decided he would have more freedom at the same price living elsewhere. I think she had a ramping scheme starting with covering his costs, increasing every few months to be market rates after a couple of years.

Nope I absolutely will not no, already discussed with son, soon as job rent to be paid, madethat very clear, no clear out of room no.

Exactly even this evening OH said to him since when wasa gift/present a demand? Surely it is something to hope for sure but not to expect? That is was a goodwill gesture from the giver, not a god given right.

victory

balletshoes wrote: »

you know, you son is clearly a very resourceful youngster - he won't stick for money, so I really would step back now, do the monthly expenses thing (at the bare minimum) into his bank account, and leave him to it. He might surprise himself!

He has managed to get by yes:D

victory

vlevans wrote: »

I haven't read all of this thread but just thought I'd add that your son sounds infuriating!
By the time I was 18 1/2 I'd been working weekends and evenings after school and 6th form for 3 years saved up most of my wages for a deposit and moved in with my fianc!. Admittedly in 2003 you didn't need the deposit you do now but we worked damn hard to save and get where we are now (27 and 25 one daughter and another on the way moving into a 4 bed house in a very nice part of town!:D) and very proud of it
Your son needs to grow up and learn to look after himself and you never know maybe if he has to then he'll realise what you and your husband do for him and see how good the had it!

P.s Sorry if I sound like I'm boasting or woe is me look how hard I had to work to get where i am! I don't mean to

No you should boast, I have never been work shy and nor my OH we want son to be more out there and get a job, you want, you work you get, seems reasonable? No silver spoon here

Bennifred

victory wrote: »

AS BLACK AND white as it can be seen, there are grey areas also, stopping all his money done, football subs still pay for, his gf sees to his cinema, meals out on 2-1, his gf parents 'pay him' for his decorating, see above post etc

I still say STOP THE SUBS - why are you paying for anything other than the roof over his head and food, when he is so ungrateful and unappreciative? You're rewarding him for poor behaviour!

Caroline_a

victory wrote: »

Accorfding to son £200/£300 maybe more would be an ideal birthdya gift along with presents, we cannot afford that and had never that amount in mind, it was made clear to him, all lthe way through that it was unrealistic and would not happen.

Yes I understood that, so if all you can afford (and had in your mind to give him) is £25/£50 whatever, then that is what you make the cheque out for. I see no need for getting him a provisional licence - he's going to be 18, he can take care of getting that himself if he gets enough money.

I did notice that you have been offering him help with jobs, etc etc. I'd back off. He's made so much fuss about being 18... let him take the responsibility now. You can't do it for him - recently I interviewed for a part time position to work for me, and I have to say we rejected any candidates that had mum in tow, including the one whose mum applied for him!!!