Would you ask your son to leave home?

Caroline_a

I've read through all the pages of this thread, it's been a long haul! Personally I wouldn't throw him out, although it would probably be the best thing for him, but as far as his birthday present goes, I expect that you and OH have allocated an amount of money for this. I would just give him a cheque for that amount in a card. Then let him do what he wants with it - if he fritters it, that's his loss, if he gets his provisional licence, then so be it, etc.

However, when he's spent it, it's gone, no more until Xmas or next birthday. I'd also be not giving him any more pocket money for football, etc, if he's being a brat. He'll soon get himself a job...

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

Let him go and live with them. Either he'll reform and be able to keep up his good side with them or he won't and they'll see him in a different light.

Exactly:D..........................................................

adamantine

i wouldnt pay for the privisional again. you did it once dont do it again.

either that or give him the choice between his football subs or his provsional as you cannot affor both for him.

chocolate.buttons

victory wrote: »

I told the recipient whether it be the gf, her mum or my own son, who will ever know? that he spent the money but now in view of them funding some driving lessons for him would re-buy it as a birthday present.

It's obviously entirely the choice of you and your husband, but I don't think that you were considering this as a present option before, so I don't think that you should feel pushed into getting this as a present now.
Good on you for pointing out to his gf's family that he has already had money for his provisional. I think you should sit down with your son (perhaps at the same time as you tell him about the new house rules?) and explain that he has already had money from you to get himself a provisional licence. It was his choice to use the money for other means, so it is his choice as to whether and how to replace that money in order to buy himself the licence now. Hopefully this might be the proverbial carrot needed to find himself a job!

victory

adamantine wrote: »

i wouldnt pay for the privisional again. you did it once dont do it again.

either that or give him the choice between his football subs or his provsional as you cannot affor both for him.

It is his birthday present online we will pay for it so he can make the most of his present from his gf parents, immediately on his birthday day he is going to be out with his 1st driving lesson so yes wrong or right I will be paying again for something I have already paid for for his 18th birthday present.

His birthday present is one thing seperate to his football subs.

victory

chocolate.buttons wrote: »

It's obviously entirely the choice of you and your husband, but I don't think that you were considering this as a present option before, so I don't think that you should feel pushed into getting this as a present now.
Good on you for pointing out to his gf's family that he has already had money for his provisional. I think you should sit down with your son (perhaps at the same time as you tell him about the new house rules?) and explain that he has already had money from you to get himself a provisional licence. It was his choice to use the money for other means, so it is his choice as to whether and how to replace that money in order to buy himself the licence now. Hopefully this might be the proverbial carrot needed to find himself a job!

No we weren't because as far as I thought I had paid for it in the summer and he chose to spend it elsewhere because what is the point attitude? My OH says sod the wants what does he need and he needs or rather it would be much better to spend the money on getting him on the road, ready for his uni or job interviews or necessary usefull stuff, sure he can get the bus etc but the fact is it is not so much of what is the point now if he is getting the provisional backed up with his gf parents present?

Will never know who actually got the text but there was no way I was going to let that go, could have been my son himself or the gf or her mum whoever read it is in no doubt that I had paid previously.

I think you all know by now I would have sat him down and told him that his fault he spent the money and replace it immediately but having said that OH said he has no job, no chance of replacing so what we did was cut out everything he could possibly ask money for, yes not the football subs and left him to it, did he get a job no. He got help from his gf, his mates etc and plodded along nicely

victory

Caroline_a wrote: »

I've read through all the pages of this thread, it's been a long haul! Personally I wouldn't throw him out, although it would probably be the best thing for him, but as far as his birthday present goes, I expect that you and OH have allocated an amount of money for this. I would just give him a cheque for that amount in a card. Then let him do what he wants with it - if he fritters it, that's his loss, if he gets his provisional licence, then so be it, etc.

However, when he's spent it, it's gone, no more until Xmas or next birthday. I'd also be not giving him any more pocket money for football, etc, if he's being a brat. He'll soon get himself a job...

Accorfding to son £200/£300 maybe more would be an ideal birthdya gift along with presents, we cannot afford that and had never that amount in mind, it was made clear to him, all lthe way through that it was unrealistic and would not happen.

Mojisola

victory wrote: »

I think you all know by now I would have sat him down and told him that his fault he spent the money and replace it immediately but having said that OH said he has no job, no chance of replacing so what we did was cut out everything he could possibly ask money for, yes not the football subs and left him to it, did he get a job no. He got help from his gf, his mates etc and plodded along nicely

They won't do this for ever. His friends will soon be asking him why he hasn't got a job and, if he keeps holding his hand out to the GF'f parents, they'll start getting fed up too.

Bennifred

victory wrote: »

It is his birthday present online we will pay for it so he can make the most of his present from his gf parents, immediately on his birthday day he is going to be out with his 1st driving lesson so yes wrong or right I will be paying again for something I have already paid for for his 18th birthday present.

His birthday present is one thing seperate to his football subs.

I'm afraid this is another example of how you pander to him. If he has had the money for a provisional licence once, then you should not be getting him another one, regardless of whether someone else gives him driving lessons, or not. If he can't use the driving lessons - so what? It's no skin off your nose. And stop paying his football subs. It's just rubbish to say he'll turn to crime if you give him nothing. I have 3 boys (youngest is just 18) and all of them have earned their own spends from the age of 13 (paper rounds) then supermarkets from 16, all whilst at school. If he wants to play football - let him earn the money. You are enabling his poor behaviour.

theoretica

I haven't read all your posts, but it seems to me that you might want to think not just about now, but what he can expect looking ahead. Will you be contributing one he finishes 6th form? What will the rules be for rent? If he moves out will he keep his room or must he clear it so you can rent it out/use it as a guest room?

A few thoughts:
Does he ask you what you want for your birthday presents? How about instituting presents are freely given gifts and shall be surprises?

At 18 he is an adult; you could stop paying allowance, but offer a similar wage for looking after his younger sibling (reliably, as arranged, and happily for the younger one!) and housework of the sort an equal member of the household should do (without moaning).

I know someone who simply raised the rent she charged her son until he decided he would have more freedom at the same price living elsewhere. I think she had a ramping scheme starting with covering his costs, increasing every few months to be market rates after a couple of years.