Would you ask your son to leave home?

neverdespairgirl

Doesn't he have to go to 6th form anyway? Is he doing well in his subjects?

I stayed at the same school for 6th form. We had to be in for registration at 8.15am, like the rest of the school. We could spend a maximum of 1 free period a day in the 6th form common room (out of 8 lessons in total per day), and had to stay until the end of the school day, at 4pm. We could leave at lunch time one day a week max, even if we had other days with free periods in the afternoon.

I didn't have 8 lessons a day, 5 days a week, as I did at GCSE and younger. But I did work hard - during free lessons, after school, and at weekends.

Is he working hard at 6th form, doing well?

It must all be doing your head in.

neverdespairgirl

Unlike most of the posters here, I didn't have a regular job until after I left school at 18. From 13, I did some babysitting, and from 16 I did some lifeguarding in a swimming pool, but neither was a regular, scheduled activity. I worked for a year in Poland, teaching English, from 18 to 19, and worked part-time while I was at Uni, in Ladbrokes.

My parents paid for all my school stuff (paper, books, pens, etc) dentist and medical costs, and for shoes as my mother had a thing about looking after your feet. From the age of 16, I got an allowance of £100 a month, which covered lesiure activities, social life, clothes, etc. That was from 1994 to 1996.

But the other side of the coin was that all of us - I'm the oldest of 4 - were expected to do our bit around the house, changing beds, clearing up, washing up, hoovering, sorting and putting away clean clothes, all the things that need doing every day in a household of 6 people. And we were all expected to work hard and consistently in relation to school and university.

From my perspective, the worst thing for you OP is his lack of respect for you and your home. Moaning about housework, whinging about money you can't afford, and generally being rude to you is horrible. I hope he sorts himself out soon. Have you considered, next time he asks for some ludicrously expensive present, or whinges about housework, saying something calmly such as, "your attitude to us and our home is not only profoundly depressing, it is disappointing."

victory

chocolate.buttons wrote: »

I think that you have already talked yourself out of this one - it is not a need or necessity to learn to drive. You obviously have a useable bus service, as you have spoken of him getting the bus. What is wrong with him using this still? And frankly, if he is not able to pay for his licence, he won't be able to foot the bill of the actual lessons..or the tests..or a car..or tax..or insurance..or MOT.. Who do you think he will be expecting to pay for all of this? Two guesses. I would strongly advise you to steer well clear of that path.



YET.
But he's not been put into a position where he is losing out on anything that he wants yet either. You said that the previous time this happened, he never lost out on his football, so from his point of view; why bother getting a job when his wants are still being paid for?

If he wants to try and back you into a corner where you feel obligated to pay for his licence to avoid embarrassment in front of his gfs family (very sneaky!) then I would turn the game round on him. Either he gets a job to pay for the licence in order to be able to use the present of driving lessons..or he sits on his unemployed !!!!! and lets them go to waste.
At the end of the day, it's his own fault that he doesn't have the provisional already. He's got nobody else to blame, so now he needs to live with the consequences instead of palming the blame onto anybody else.
And I think that this is perhaps a lesson that your son could do with learning.
This may seem really harsh but your son is not lacking in any necessity - he has shelter, food and a loving family, something many people don't - so he needs to learn to differentiate between wanting something and needing something. If nothing else has worked before, it is time to get tough. Best wishes OP

I have been lying awake most of the night and am very pleased you posted this reply because it is so right, those texts have really got to me, his argument to spend the provisional money was like you say the rest he cannot afford without a job, OH agrees I agree you agree and now he has gone and done this, very bad move to play me.

victory

tori.k wrote: »

I haven't read the whole thread and our case is different as my eldest (16)has a Saturday job,
He moved on to college this september and DH and I decided that he needed to learn how to budget so we paid for his college buspass and we give him his Child benefit each month I feed him and keep the roof over his head but the rest is up to him, he has to budget for his college extra's and clothes/wash stuff, top up his phone and social life and anything else he feels he needs. it wasn't up for discussion with him, it was a welcome to real world and this is how its going to be done.
He's totally unorganized but he is a young adult and we will do him no favours in the long term continuing treating like a child.

If you can afford it maybe try it, he will soon discover that £80 a month gets him nowhere fast, and with no recorse to fund's may motivate him into looking for a job.
Hold on to the fact that he may be a pain in the butt now but one day he will come moaning to you about his teenage kids behaviour.

I agree fully about a monthly payment to him as have said before, may posters have suggested and I agree but and there is a but to this how he behaves now, how he expects now, how he demands now I feel as if I would not give him the crumbs off my plate.

victory

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Is he working hard at 6th form, doing well?

It must all be doing your head in.

No, he passed some failed others, he says it works on 2 years not just the one year, that he will pick up better grades next year and he will be fine in terms of qualifications for university, he coasted this year and maybe will put a bit of effort into next year. Do you know even his teachers are a bit perplexed, they had him down as a passer.

victory

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

,From my perspective, the worst thing for you OP is his lack of respect for you and your home. Moaning about housework, whinging about money you can't afford, and generally being rude to you is horrible. I hope he sorts himself out soon. Have you considered, next time he asks for some ludicrously expensive present, or whinges about housework, saying something calmly such as, "your attitude to us and our home is not only profoundly depressing, it is disappointing."

Yes often. My OH and I have no iphone, no latest gadgets, no designer clothes, no gourmet meals out, no latest of anything really and we get by, we are happy, we save, we wait, we accept it is like that, we appreciate what we have got, we have nothing on tick, we are not rich, we do have a lovely house that is well taken care of, lovely smelly flowers in the garden,food in the fridge,no one has ever gone without their dinner, lunch box, breakfast, the odd lager for the football, a glass of wine,

Son wants, demands ,needs and has to have now, he gets none of it because one we have not got the finances for it and two he does not need it and three we have not got it and I am sure as hell not giving it to my son to watch my OH get up from 6.30 am to 6/7 at night 5 to 6 days a week to hand my son over all his luxuries while son sits on his butt moaning, not a chance.

FBaby

Victory, I think you need to accept that if your son act the way he does, it is because he is spoilt, and if he is spoilt, it is because you have spoilt him until now.

It is instinctive as a parent to want to provide the best for our chidren and is the main inspiration for most parents. We do everything so they don't experience anxiety, fear, sadness, we do everything to see them happy and confident and we believe that as long as we make sure they say thank you, we are doing right as a parent. The thing is, unvoluntarily, we are bringing them up spoilt, because they get used to being the centre of our world, that we will always put their needs first, that they can always count on us when times are tough. Everyone benefits from going through difficult times because it is then we learn most about being appreciative for what we have. The thing is, no caring parent would put their kids through difficult times willingly, so they can learn...

Still, I think sometimes you do have to draw the line and take the risk. Your son needs to learn that you are not there purely to serve him and make him happy. He needs to learn that you get a lot more satisfaction from getting something through one's own hard work and dedication than by getting it quickly bought by someone else. I think you're going to have to beat the bullets and say no more.

victory

Spoilt designer, gadget etc wise absolutely not no never had the money.

His behaviour is irrational and needy, I have to bethe same as the others, you provide me, I will sit here and be bestowed,never has happened never going to.

Uhm he is needy

January20

victory wrote: »

No, he passed some failed others, he says it works on 2 years not just the one year, that he will pick up better grades next year and he will be fine in terms of qualifications for university, he coasted this year and maybe will put a bit of effort into next year. Do you know even his teachers are a bit perplexed, they had him down as a passer.

Is he studying for A levels? If he is, this year will have been AS level? Is that correct? I'll assume it is.

It is true that will A levels, it is over 2 years, but if he didn't do very well this year, he will have to re-sit papers and that costs money. About £20-30 per paper. Who would pay for that? Also, if he needs any A* for instance, he will need some really, really good AS.

A2 year is a very difficult year, and to have to study extra to top-up AS grades is very hard and demands students are extremely motivated and hard working. And no, a lot of universities do not think a C grade is a good grade (unlike the media would like us to believe).

victory

Yes you are correct. He is resitting one paper in January, middle of.
I know we looked, agreed, he has been told.