Would you ask your son to leave home?

victory

balletshoes wrote: »

have you now decided exactly what you are getting him for his birthday? I'd get him his provisional licence and that would be it - originally I'd have said plan to spend what you could afford on him, but you've given him options, tried to compromise with him, and I know you won't like me saying this (I wouldn't if someone said it about my DD) but your son's actions with his gf's parents just smack of sneaky, snide, sly little sh*t.

So it would be provisional licence, so he can use the present he's "poor little me"d out of gf's parents, a card, and that would be it.

I just can't imagine ever being pandered to as much as your son has been with regard to all the discussions that have gone on about what he can have for his birthday. I didn't have a clue what I was getting for my birthday when I was 18, and wouldn't have thought to present a list of expensive stuff to my parents. I suspect I would have got bog-all if I'd attempted that - and that would be exactly what I deserved!

Exactly no, I am going with hteprovisional so he can reap the gf parents present straight away, I think that is £40?

I totally agree, you called him that in my head not to him but in my head I called him a lot worse, I thought immeediately you will not get away with this one and texted back straight away, I was not born yesterday, he hasgone round there all woo is me and has got what he wanted, sly, uhm maybe call it clever but my stomach knotted in sheer raging anger says otherwise.

The silly boy does not realise if he had maybe put some ideas forward and left it like that Oh and I would have maybe seen what we could have done and on his birthday surprise, but oh no , he demands and that is putting our backs up, he wants more than any child has ever wanted and no never not once was I ever askedwhat I wanted for my 18th and got what I was given and he replies 'but mum that was 40 years ago':D

Downsizing__for_sanity

Do you know, I once had a boyfriend like this, when I was at uni. His parents couldn't have been nicer to me and were wonderfully generous to me as well as him. However, when we moved in together in our last year, it became apparent that he couldn't ( WOULDN'T) put the washing machine on, cook anything at all for us, and would never even think of popping out for a pint of milk or get one on the way home if we were running out.

I would come home from a full day at uni followed by a late shift at work to find him sitting on the sofa in the dark (having finished uni at 3pm) saying "what are you making for tea? I'm hungry."

Basically, he was a selfish, chauvinistic sexist pig who was quite happy for women to be equal as long as they earnt the money and did the cooking and housework too. <Rant over> My point is, his parents would have done anything for him (and when we I saw the light and ditched him I missed them MUCH more than I missed him) but he was sadly used to being waited on hand and foot and couldn't grasp the fact that food and beer cost money.

My wonderful husband lost his father when he was quite young and had his widowed mother bring up 4 of them as a single parent. He loves his gadgets and nights out too but has always appreciated them because he works damn hard to deserve them. By being a bit more "tough love" with your son now, believe me you will be doing him and his partner a favour when he settles down and has a family.

I wish all mothers of boys would treat them the same as girls with regard to domestic duties! I'm not a rabid feminist but it's surprising how many mums consciously or unconsciously get their daughters to help out or do baking, whilst their boys just come in from playing and make a mess and eat the results! Not true for all I know, feel free to shoot me down

victory

Caroline_a wrote: »

Yes I understood that, so if all you can afford (and had in your mind to give him) is £25/£50 whatever, then that is what you make the cheque out for. I see no need for getting him a provisional licence - he's going to be 18, he can take care of getting that himself if he gets enough money.

I did notice that you have been offering him help with jobs, etc etc. I'd back off. He's made so much fuss about being 18... let him take the responsibility now. You can't do it for him - recently I interviewed for a part time position to work for me, and I have to say we rejected any candidates that had mum in tow, including the one whose mum applied for him!!!

Well no not actually mum in tow, what I meant was I would go on the bus with him into town find the boss of his gf or point him/her out and he take it from there, would never go into the interview room or anything like that:rotfl:

victory

Downsizing__for_sanity wrote: »

I wish all mothers of boys would treat them the same as girls with regard to domestic duties!

feel free to shoot me down

He does as previously said his sunday jobs and is in charge sometimes of cutting th e grass, knows how to use washing machine, dishwasher, how to tidy up etc, he has done that from a very young age as his little brother, he knows his way around the house .

Caroline_a

victory wrote: »

Well no not actually mum in tow, what I meant was I would go on the bus with him into town find the boss of his gf or point him/her out and he take it from there, would never go into the interview room or anything like that:rotfl:

Sorry.... this isn't your job. This is for him to do. I think they call it helicopter parenting (ie hovering overhead). You would be quite obvious to any manager worth his salt, pointing them out to your son, who then comes over to ask about a job while you lurk around in the background.... At 18 he should be mature enough to do this for himself, and, quite frankly if you do this you make him (and you, sorry) look very silly, and will do him no favours at all.

victory

Bennifred wrote: »

I still say STOP THE SUBS - why are you paying for anything other than the roof over his head and food, when he is so ungrateful and unappreciative? You're rewarding him for poor behaviour!

I CAN Appreciate you and others see me as not listening, not taking advice, wasting your time, what is the point etc? I fully appreciate that but to give him nothing at all we will not do, all he gets is his football and loves it, he wants to be a p.e teacher, loves running that is free, he loves training for his marathon all the out door stuff and all that is free but his football subs are not.
He washed his phone we never replaced it so he has no mobile, get a job to get another one.
His social life we do not cater for.
His clothes yes for 6th form yes, socks and pants yes, he is down to the basics because of his behaviour.
His shoes, nope, not for a yonk, make do son we all do in this house.
His haircuts we have a cutter here he does it himself.

victory

Caroline_a wrote: »

Sorry.... this isn't your job. This is for him to do. I think they call it helicopter parenting (ie hovering overhead). You would be quite obvious to any manager worth his salt, pointing them out to your son, who then comes over to ask about a job while you lurk around in the background.... At 18 he should be mature enough to do this for himself, and, quite frankly if you do this you make him (and you, sorry) look very silly, and will do him no favours at all.

Yes I understand it was more over excitement on my part when gf said she knew there was a job available in october and the company had to advertise it online for fairness and I said no let him have it:rotfl:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Perhaps an alternative suggestion...


'For your 18th, I will pay the deposit on your first flat. (No, we will not be guarantor for you)

The rest is up to you, but I think it's pretty clear that you are ready to be out in the world and not clinging onto my apronstrings like your friends are doing.'


He might be pleased, because you're telling him that he's an adult, and you don't feel so bad about chucking him out, because it's helping him, not punishing him.


Whatever way he takes it - probably badly, but hey, you could give him a Lear Jet and he'd moan about it at the moment, wouldn't he? - there will always be the thing that if he complains, people can say 'hang on, your parents offered to help you get your own flat and you told them to FFFFFF off?' - and the girlfriend will probably think 'you turned down a chance for us to be together and you said you wanted a phone and a car and a games console instead???????' and before you know it, he'll have lost all his power, as he'll go 'my present' and you can reply 'yes, darling, I can hardly wait for you to be ready for it, it'll be so exciting for you to have a place of your own'.


ETA: if you choose to pay or particular things, such as a provisional, etc, DO NOT give him a cheque payable to him or money to do it - cheque payable to the actual organisation so it can't be spent on girlfriend related supplies.

chocolate.buttons

victory wrote: »

My OH says sod the wants what does he need and he needs or rather it would be much better to spend the money on getting him on the road, ready for his uni or job interviews or necessary usefull stuff, sure he can get the bus etc but the fact is it is not so much of what is the point now if he is getting the provisional backed up with his gf parents present?

I think that you have already talked yourself out of this one - it is not a need or necessity to learn to drive. You obviously have a useable bus service, as you have spoken of him getting the bus. What is wrong with him using this still? And frankly, if he is not able to pay for his licence, he won't be able to foot the bill of the actual lessons..or the tests..or a car..or tax..or insurance..or MOT.. Who do you think he will be expecting to pay for all of this? Two guesses. I would strongly advise you to steer well clear of that path.

victory wrote: »

I think you all know by now I would have sat him down and told him that his fault he spent the money and replace it immediately but having said that OH said he has no job, no chance of replacing

YET.
But he's not been put into a position where he is losing out on anything that he wants yet either. You said that the previous time this happened, he never lost out on his football, so from his point of view; why bother getting a job when his wants are still being paid for?

If he wants to try and back you into a corner where you feel obligated to pay for his licence to avoid embarrassment in front of his gfs family (very sneaky!) then I would turn the game round on him. Either he gets a job to pay for the licence in order to be able to use the present of driving lessons..or he sits on his unemployed !!!!! and lets them go to waste.
At the end of the day, it's his own fault that he doesn't have the provisional already. He's got nobody else to blame, so now he needs to live with the consequences instead of palming the blame onto anybody else.
And I think that this is perhaps a lesson that your son could do with learning.
This may seem really harsh but your son is not lacking in any necessity - he has shelter, food and a loving family, something many people don't - so he needs to learn to differentiate between wanting something and needing something. If nothing else has worked before, it is time to get tough. Best wishes OP

tori.k

I haven't read the whole thread and our case is different as my eldest (16)has a Saturday job,
He moved on to college this september and DH and I decided that he needed to learn how to budget so we paid for his college buspass and we give him his Child benefit each month I feed him and keep the roof over his head but the rest is up to him, he has to budget for his college extra's and clothes/wash stuff, top up his phone and social life and anything else he feels he needs. it wasn't up for discussion with him, it was a welcome to real world and this is how its going to be done.
He's totally unorganized but he is a young adult and we will do him no favours in the long term continuing treating like a child.

If you can afford it maybe try it, he will soon discover that £80 a month gets him nowhere fast, and with no recorse to fund's may motivate him into looking for a job.
Hold on to the fact that he may be a pain in the butt now but one day he will come moaning to you about his teenage kids behaviour.