Would you ask your son to leave home?

victory

His gf has now doing the 18 little birthday treats like I SAID to her, son said it was stupid, cheesecake gf, my cake was a no, decorating house gf as he says he is not coming home for his birthday, he says it is not for his gf to make his birthday but he has made her take over as all my efforts and offers have been a no.

Now the gf parents driving lessons. He goes and seeks and gets.
He will not be hard done by.

Humphrey10

Don't give him anything for his birthday if he is behaving like that.
Tell him he can have the driving lessons and presents etc when he passes his A levels and either gets into university/training or a proper job with proper long term prospects.

Most relatives, friends, friends of the family had the attitude that their children don't need to pay a penny towards their keep IF they are studying, but if they dropped out of 6th Form or Uni they need to get a job ASAP as they need to pay rent. Helps motivate them to continue!

Blackpool_Saver

About a thousand posts back I said that my son spent his 18th birthday at his GF's house, at the time he was going to be living there, she is off the scene now and he is happily back at home, like I keep saying this WILL pass......

RAS

victory wrote: »

The texts says that will I make surethat he gets his provisional so that their driving lessons present is valid and can go ahead, so this time off to the post office I go?

Send a message back pointing out that you paid for his provisional licence months ago. Given them a date if you want. No further comment about what happened to the money.

thorsoak

victory wrote: »

For the record I apologize to everyone who has lost patience, thinks I am not listening, thinks I am a woose and a lot more besides, that I brought this on myself, that I am a terrible mother, that I keep repeating myself, I am sorry, close this thread, if you see my name Victory on a start up of another thread please do not come into it, I can honestly say I am grateful to you all, I HAVE read every single one, have talked to OH about it, he has agreed to a monthly allowance for what I can see a lazy blah blah son taking money off usfor nothing, I can see he can't have a single penny.

I agree with the name calling other people have said, I would get slated if I just put all his negatives and people would come on a d say well he can't be all bad, you just can't win.

I am sure people will think it is my fault he went behind my back and spent in the summer my money that I gave him for his provisional, I am sure you will have it is as my fault because I never went to the post office with him to pick the form up, filled it out and then gave him the money, that is treating him like a tiny baby but then again he is a man according to some and should not have to be shaperoned.

The texts says that will I make surethat he gets his provisional so that their driving lessons present is valid and can go ahead, so this time off to the post office I go?

Whatever I have said is wrong, whatever I have tried to do is wrong, I have stated facts, that is moaning, I have tried every which way and have lost patience, still have to keep him here, not wanting sympathy of any kind, I reap what I sew, I have a son like this deal with it, yep, it is all me, his views, character and way of seeing the negative has caused him endless heart ache and me pulling my hair out, I made him what he is, yep, he is blameless.

I have a snake of a son who has gone bleating to his gf parents how hard done by he is, yep my fault also.

All we cannot do for him is pander to his high needs, such a crime?

But Victory, the list you have quoted is not "NEEDS" - it's WANTS! There is a difference.

I think, that if I were in your position, I would be inclined to drop a line to GF's parents, thanking them for all that they have done for your son, say how grateful you are that they have done these things for him that you would love to be able to do, but just cannot afford to - and say that you hope that he really appreciates all that they have done for him - and leave it at that.

Then tell the ungrateful little swine that is your son that you hope that when he is grown up enough to have children, that he has a son exactly like him!

And BTW - there is no more money, honey!

BitterAndTwisted

I think a full and frank exchange of views with his g/f's parents is well overdue. Going behind your back and extricating driving-lessons from them is going far too far in my book.

I have no idea how you have managed to restrain yourself from strangling him a long time ago.

Raspberry_beret

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I repeat anything.

I think it sounds like you have got into a vicious circle of negotiating, him complaining, you offering other things, more negotiating, him saying no and flouncing. He is pushing and pushing, thinking he can squeeze more and more out of you. Maybe this cycle is because he whinges and you do (perfectly reasonably) suggest a compromise but he takes this as an opportunity to push further - he sees compromise as a sign of weakness if you like.

The worry and love for your son over this whole issue that comes across so much in your posts must be evident to him and he thinks he can play on it and help his case by adding a large dose of guilt on to you re: all the amazing things his friends parents do for him.

I think it is time to take a giant step back and say "you know what? you are right, you are 18 and you can do what you want...". You need to harden up, quit negotiating/compromisng. Re: birthday presents - you decide what to get him (based on things he has mentioned and limited by your household finances of course) and it is a surprise!

Regarding him getting a job - you can threaten, cajole, explain, suggest, help but ultimately it is down to him so I'd stop all mention of it. He knows he can ask for your help if he needs it. Just stop nagging him about anything - if he whinges just calmly make a neutral comment and don't get drawn in to discussions. While you are pushing him to do things, it sort of gives him license not to take responsibility for himself.

It sounds like the whole house revolves around him and his wants (which he perceives as needs) and endless discussions of it but that only happens because you let it. You have to stop giving him and his needs/wants endless attention as attention, positive or negative is addictive. Just step back, breezily say "well, it is up to you..." and "it is your life..." a lot and leave him to it, leave the room, change the subject, don't reply etc etc - repeat until he finally gets it. You may even find he is relieved to stop the cycle.

I wouldn't mind betting that if the hoo ha he manages to stir up stops, he'll slink off and get himself a job. While he thinks he can get something out of you, he'll keep putting his energy into punishing you for being "such awful parents who give him nothing".

He must have really nice friends and gf to sub him all the time, if one of my friends wanted some of my hard earned £3 an hr that I got waitressing when I was 17 I'm afraid I wouldn't have been so generous (unless they really really really NEEDED it!).

I hope all that makes sense, I'm talking from personal experience of being his age, I remember my mum nagging me to do some revision for my a-levels and it gave me the option to put energy into refusing rather than revising. As soon as she was like "ah well, you are 17 now - of course it is up to you", there was nothing to push against and I had to take responsibility and get on with the revision :rotfl:.

adamantine

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I think a full and frank exchange of views with his g/f's parents is well overdue. Going behind your back and extricating driving-lessons from them is going far too far in my book.

I have no idea how you have managed to restrain yourself from strangling him a long time ago.

cannot agree more!!

you need to sit down with them and you and your OH with DS and GF and sort it out.

tell them exactly what the situation is and that unless he finds the respect that he shows them and starts showing it to the people that deserve it then he can go live there.

i would have done this a long long time ago and would be more than furious that they are pandering to him and reineforcing his idea that he is hard done by!

ceebeeby

adamantine wrote: »

cannot agree more!!

you need to sit down with them and you and your OH with DS and GF and sort it out.

tell them exactly what the situation is and that unless he finds the respect that he shows them and starts showing it to the people that deserve it then he can go live there.

i would have done this a long long time ago and would be more than furious that they are pandering to him and reineforcing his idea that he is hard done by!

Reeeeeaaaalllly ... cannot agree less!!!

Remember DS and GF are 18, this isn't wee kids that aren't playing nicely, these are (meant to be) adults.

If my DD's BF parents came round and said we don't like the gift you're giving BF for his birthday, I'd be like .... errrrrr .... wierd!!!

No??????

make_me_wise

victory wrote: »

The idea is he goes humpy to his gf, his gf parents do not want him there all the time and he realises what side his bread is buttered and his life is not so bad and comes back apologizing and changes his ways.

Too risky?

After the description you have given of how your nearly adult son carrries on I think you are doing extremely well to still 'adore him'. What an arrogant, delusional little upstart he sounds. Sorry OP but that is how he comes across.

You are one of the posters on here who I like and respect, someone sensible and grounded. So I struggle to see how he has turned out this way. My impression of your son is not good, he seems like a spoilt brat. Yet I get the impression he hasn't been raised that way and that he has been told many times what you can give him and what isn't possible.

You ask is it 'too risky' to ask him to leave. Depends what you mean by that really. I feel that if you did say this he would go. If the gf parents have any sense they wont take him in. I dont think though that he would come back to you, realise the error of his ways, apologise and start living as you would like.

The risk is what happens next. I think his pride will get in the way of him coming home to you. This young man seems to think the world owes him. What worries me most is his comment 'Its not what you know but who you know'. I think this leaves him very vulnerable to be taken in by people who will not have his best interests at heart. They will be only to happy to dazzle him then take him for a right ride.

Sadly I dont think he has the social maturity to know who to trust and who to steer well clear of. His priorities seem all over the place and Im not convinced his judgement would be that clever to be honest. Its all very well knowing people, but unless you are wordly wise and can sit and evaluate the pros and cons from all angles, it is very easy to end up !!!!! creek without a paddle.

Who would bail him out if he gets himself into deep trouble, financially or otherwise?