Would you ask your son to leave home?

chocolate.buttons

victory wrote: »

as far as the sunday jobs they are a thank you for keeping me in clothes, food, rent free, giving me a landline, paying for me virgin media to watch tele etc

But the point is, that he doesn't view them in the same way as you (even though he should!!). It really doesn't sound like he is thankful for anything that you do for him tbh. And I'm sure that if you asked him, he wouldn't see his sunday chores as a way of thanking you for all that you do for him.
I would agree with previous posters who have suggested giving him the money that you currently spend on him anyway - including the money for football as it isn't a basic necessity - if he enjoys it as much as he insists he does, it will be a priority for him to keep that money safe and not fritter it away. The money is being spent on him whether it's you doing the spending or him so you wouldn't be giving him any more than you currently do.
I understand your reluctance to give him money for nothing, but I think this is the way to benefit him in the long run. Granted, to begin with, you will probably despair when it seems that he is just pi$$ing your money up the wall, so to speak, but I think it will surprise you how quickly he will come to realise his own priorities.
I would impose some rules for him to receive the money, and work it much like an employer - i.e. you are paid this month for last month's work, not in advance, or as you go. If you run out of money, tough. An employer wouldn't listen to a sob story for more money - neither should you. This is the only way he will begin to learn about managing his own finances. Also, give him a list of duties/chores/expectations that he has to meet to receive the money. If he falls short, he isn't paid for that chore - or he does it again until it is up to scratch.
Hopefully his girlfriend will talk some sense into him re volunteering at her work for a few nights in the hope of getting the potential job. Are there any gyms/swimming pools nearby that he could work for? Receptionist/lifeguard (after training)/helping out with clubs/assisting in the gym..? Or any local children's football/sports clubs that he could work with? He might be more willing to try for these jobs if he is interested in sport himself. Good luck.

Sambucus_Nigra

victory wrote: »

yep he does

If he does, why start another thread on the topic?

thorsoak

victory wrote: »

He says 'oh no notthis again' when we say to everything he says 'get a job':rotfl: everytime it sends him crazy

Well just keep saying it ...broken record!! And if it sends him crazy ...he may well get the message! Just keep repeating it!

claire16c

I really think you should do the idea of giving him an allowance each month, which he has to use to pay for his football amongst other thigns. That way if he mismanages it he wont get to go. You say you think he should be doing the jobs in return for things like rent and virgin media, but unless you are prepared to stop cooking for him and cut off the tv then I dont see how that can apply. Surely you watch it too? And you said your OH said he'll turn to crime if he cant do his football - i think there is a big leap between a moody and ungrateful teenager, and one that would actually do that. And anyway if youve given him the money for it, there should be no issue over that, even if the first month he messes it up.

I find it quite odd hes so opposed to getting a job, when I was his age, all of my mates had had a job since we were 16 or 17, some even 15. We all worked weekends and some evenings in the local supermarkets. I still got a small allowance from my parents, but I needed that job to ensure I could go out with my friends and buy clothes. And when I got a job after and during uni, that work experience was invaluable to me in answering interview questions.

If you are taking him out shopping - even if its to Primark and bargaining with him over phones, and presents, no wonder he is trying to keep pushing you, it seems as though hes trying to just see what he can get.

I think you need to stop negotiating with him. Hand him £x a month that will cover the footie but not much more, and be done with it.

CH27

Victory you starts thread after thread about your son.
You get loads of constructive advise & do diddly squat with it.

Never once have you taken any responsibility in how your son has turned out.

You have had 18 years to shape him into a man. If he was Mr Perfect would you be claiming credit?

DavidF

Hmm I think I was about 13 when I actually realised that we were quite a "poor" family. Mum worked in bar jobs and some cleaning and dad had been in the steel industry from when he was 14 - 45.....ill health and the closure of the steel industry in Scotland kind of put paid to his ability to earn. But they both taught me how to get off my backside and gave me a good work ethic.
Most of my mates when i was younger got all sorts of £££ spent on them for B/Days and Xmas ect ect where as I didn't really....But I never really moaned...well a bit sometimes but like I say I grew up pretty quickly and realised that If I wanted what my mates had....or even MORE than what they had then I would have to find a way to earn it.
At 13 I was helping electricians doing rewires of council properties and in return I got to keep all the scrap copper from each house.....I eneded up earning more than a lot of my mates parents lmao. I was rolling in it from 13-16...then I got an apprenticship..so £££ went down for a few years until I got my trade under my belt....like they say the rest is pretty much history.
I was always giving back to my mum and dad....I know they hated taking money of thier youngest kid but I was glad to help and at the end of the day they supplied me with all the mental "tools" needed for me to get on in life.
Don't get me wrong I went through my times of being a little sod ect....but I always knew how to earn a few ££ and always was ready to help out my friends and family if they were in dire straights.

TBH sometimes I wish I was 14 again lol. Life was just that bit simpler lol.
As for op - show him these responses......Make hime realise just how far he has pushed......And quit paying for those football sessions...unless he is going to be the next england capt or something lol.

amyleannewalker

claire16c wrote: »

And you said your OH said he'll turn to crime if he cant do his football - i think there is a big leap between a moody and ungrateful teenager, and one that would actually do that.

I might be wrong but I think they were more worried that if they stopped the money altogether he would turn to crime to get the money he needed.

claire16c wrote: »

I think you need to stop negotiating with him. Hand him £x a month that will cover the footie but not much more, and be done with it.

Agreed.

adamantine

Idiophreak wrote: »

Can't agree with this..turning 18 doesn't instantly make you an adult. This is clearly a spoilt little kid / teenager with temper tantrums. He still has a lot of growing up to do - the question is how best to force that growth.

Simple answer is to stop giving him money, at all. I'd say "you're getting £Xfor your 18th" and just let him do what he wants with it - he can buy something worthwhile, he can squander it on booze, but that will be it. He'll soon realise that if he wants driving lessons, a car, etc - he's going to have to get a job and start earning some money. Frankly, it's shocking that he's come this far without working - I worked 2 days a week from 15 3/4 - and I'm from about as spoilt a background as you can get...

in a previous thread the OP stated her son believes he will become a man when he turns 18 so i was going from that thread.

January20

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

If he does, why start another thread on the topic?

Does it matter? Really?
And I actually prefer a brand new thread rather than having to trawl through the numerous posts in her other threads.

I can't believe this thread. When I left for work, we were all having a very positive discussion which I was hoping was being helpful to the OP. I come back now and it's descended into benefit bashing, pettiness and nastiness. Some people should be ashamed of themselves!

If victory or any other poster needs help, needs to start a new thread, 20 threads, whatever, so what? If you don't like, walk away, go on another thread or another website.

taurusgb

January20 wrote: »

Does it matter? Really?
And I actually prefer a brand new thread rather than having to trawl through the numerous posts in her other threads.

I can't believe this thread. When I left for work, we were all having a very positive discussion which I was hoping was being helpful to the OP. I come back now and it's descended into benefit bashing, pettiness and nastiness. Some people should be ashamed of themselves!

If victory or any other poster needs help, needs to start a new thread, 20 threads, whatever, so what? If you don't like, walk away, go on another thread or another website.

Great Post !:T