Would you ask your son to leave home?

The_Rizler

Hi Victory,

I know a man like your son... he's 44.

Fingers crossed for you tho, sometimes if you've tried everything then trying nothing seems like the next logical thing to do.

All the best
Riz

Blackpool_Saver

The_Rizler wrote: »

Hi Victory,

I know a man like your son... he's 44.

Fingers crossed for you tho, sometimes if you've tried everything then trying nothing seems like the next logical thing to do.

All the best
Riz

exactly, this too shall pass

easy

Let's ignore the benefit bashers ....

Victory, I am very frustrated by the way you decry all the suggestions you have received on here (I don't think I'm the only one).

We are all telling you to get tough with him, you say you have, but the examples you give don't sound tough to me .. Such as

He wanted a x box game never paid £40 for one refused so he would have to work and pay half, he wants £60 nike trainers absolutely refused so he worked and paid £30, he wanted a ticket to see thewantedso traded in his games to fund it, he wanted to go to Spain so he took a banana packing job for the summer and funded it himself, we paid for the flight

Which is a half-hearted strategy, isn't it ??

You say he understands that he has to pay his way in life, he isn't thick ... but as another poster has said, actions speak louder than words ... and his actions suggest either he doesn't understand OR he doesn't care what you think of him.

Look, we have suggested lots of strategies, and you have found a way to reject them all - and ignored my suggestion that you get the saintly girlfriend on your side (I wonder what her parents think about her ?? perhaps they have the same problem in reverse ??).

I'm going to make one last suggestion. He says he won't go to the jobcentre. Well take him there!! Go in with him, see the advisor with him, stand and look at the job boards with him. And tell him that you will do that every week until he has found himself some form of part-time employment.

Idiophreak

adamantine wrote: »

he is an adult and he is not respecting you or the rest of the family.

Can't agree with this..turning 18 doesn't instantly make you an adult. This is clearly a spoilt little kid / teenager with temper tantrums. He still has a lot of growing up to do - the question is how best to force that growth.

Simple answer is to stop giving him money, at all. I'd say "you're getting £Xfor your 18th" and just let him do what he wants with it - he can buy something worthwhile, he can squander it on booze, but that will be it. He'll soon realise that if he wants driving lessons, a car, etc - he's going to have to get a job and start earning some money. Frankly, it's shocking that he's come this far without working - I worked 2 days a week from 15 3/4 - and I'm from about as spoilt a background as you can get...

onlyroz

If I had an 18-year-old still living at home and who was still in full-time education then I wouldn't necessarily expect him to get a job. I would provide him with a basic allowance, sufficient to pay for transport, college materials and basic clothing for college. If he wanted more than this then, if time permitted, I would encourage him to get a job. I also would not be doing his washing, and I wouldn't be impressed if he reguarly cleaned out the cupboards of all edibile materials.

You say that you've "tried everything" - perhaps your inconsistent approach is part of the problem. You need to come up with a strategy and stick to it, employing some tough love along the way.

myonlysunshine

Hi Victory.

My 17 year old son is pretty much the same to be honest and his attitude has had a very negative effect on the rest of the family with his 'hard done by life' where all his friends dont have to work (but they do ..i see them) dont have to buy their own clothes etc etc.

We sat him down over the summer holidays as he had spent all his birthday money on going to a festival and general junk food and has nothing to show for his money. (the festival not too bad but his dad lent him the money for most of the ticket even though he got a fair bit of mony for his birthday in total)

We gave him a letter from me and hubby clearly stating what he gets from us..

Mobile phone monthly contract (£15.00 per month)
In exchange for maintainence of his bedroom and daily emptying dishwasher and loading diswasher


Bus fare for college and packed lunch

3 meals a day

Washing clothes.

Birthday/Christmas whatever we can afford

We said at the bottom of the page

ANYTHING ELSE IS TO PAID FOR BY YOU. IF YOU WANT TO GO TO MORE CONCERTS OR BUY CLOTHES ETC. OTHER THAN WHAT YOU RECIEVE AT XMAS & BIRTHDAYS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THEM..THERE IS NOTHING ELSE IN THE POT FOR YOU SO DONT ASK!!

We also made sure he knows that he when he turns 18 next year he will be expected to contribute towards his living costs, and that his mobile phone and bus fare will stop (hes had loads of warning) We are NOT helping him otherwise he will never learn how to budget when he leaves home.

I spoke to a good friend recently who has got to the 'other side' and survived her son getting to 22 years old (they are both in one piece too :rotfl:)

She said the light bulb moment came for her after she realised HE was NEVER going to CHANGE unless she did first!

Good luck, your son knows you love him but stick to your guns and let him know where you both stand and STICK TO IT!!

Hugs to you, because its great being a mum but bl**dy tough too.
Mel

taurusgb

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

you get child benefit and child tax credits for him as hes still in education. easily a few hundred quid a month. when you throw him out, youll stop claiming i take it? or will you continue to claim this fraudulently?

its all very well making out how hard done by you think you are, but considering your actually being paid to keep him, you should stop moaning!

Being paid to keep him? :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: No one could "keep" a child / teenager on just child benefit and child tax credit. If the OP earns too much for her son to claim EMA then I suspect she is getting the basic child tax credit of approx £45.50 per month (and that would cover BOTH children she has, so really for the lad in question it would amount to £22.75) along with £81.20 per month child benefit......certainly no where near the " few hundred quid a month" you suggest. Also please bear in mind the OP has already said how hard her husband works so he will have been paying tax and NI into the benefits system probably at a far higher rate than she is claiming back (we won't go into how many people claim much more than this when they have never paid a penny in).....and your assumption that she would continue to claim anything if the boy no longer lives at home is just that - and has nothing to do with the OP's original post.

OP.....Good luck with your son. I have two teenagers and two older (in their 30's) children so I know it is never a walk in the park and sometimes parents are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Hind sight is a wonderful thing, but all any of us can do is our best at the time. Later on it may seem to have been the wrong "best" IYSWIM but not being blessed with second sight it is all you can do.

There have been lots of great suggestions on this thread - hope you can pick out a few that will help.

sandraroffey

a friend of mine, when her children got to 14 years old, gave them an allowance. what she got for them in child benefit, she gave to them each month. and they had to do evrything with that; buy their clothes (if they needed something that was a big purchase like a new winter coat they would help them a little), their entertainment, meals out and cinema etc. they learnt to budget and get part time jobs pretty darn quick. it worked wonderfully.

charlea

just grow a set of balls and man up to your son attitude

you dont owe your son nothing apart from love and care
in a few weeks/days he is 18 legally he is an adult so treat him like one im sure you wouldnt take this crap from anyone else so why take it from your son
Its pretty simply really just learn the word N0 and keep using it when he ask for stuff

if he says he gonna live with his girlfriend then let him,
if he says he gonna get laughed at cos he dont have the latest phone , trainers ect then let him its not your problem is it ??? no is gonna be laughing at you

Just stop doing stuff for him, stop cooking for him, cleaning his room ( just shut the door if its a mess) and STOP giving him money , just stop full stop while he has money for subs . football and bit and pieces he wont do anything


When he dosnt have any money to do what he wants to do, he will get a job eventually, kids are nothing if not resoursefull when they need to be

my son is 17 he works part time in macdonalds and is a student
he earn 80 a week and i take 15 a week for rent / contract phone ( which i save but he dosnt know that) in return for that he gets a nice big bedroom to himself, sky tv a 40inch plasma tv (our old one) food and clean clothes, toiletries and a roof over his head


Prior to getting his job he was an ungrateful stealing, two face little swine and i could have gladly killed him ten time over, but since he started his job there last year he has been totally different far more independent and 1000 times easier to live with because he his earning his own money and dosnt have to ask me for any he has a sense of pride that what he buys he has worked for and therefor he looks after it when i was buying him stuff he would lose it, sell it, or give it away to mates

I dont buy him anything now apart from paying for his haircuts and basic school stuff
if he wants stuff then he has to get it himself If he want 80 pounds trainers then i will give him 30 he has to put the rest himself

he even saved up a thousand pounds for his school trip to kenya in july 2011 and i put the rest and he just bought himself an new blackberry and stuff for his bike through working full time in the summer holidays

he is having driving lessons soon and i have said that i will pay half of one lesson each week but if he wants more than that then he has to pay for it himself

ciderwithrosie_2

I can't believe him speaking to you like that! I've had 2 of my boys pass the 18th milestone - they got £100 from us. They both had part-time jobs though while at college so could fund phones, clothes, holidays themselves. My youngest has just started college and is desperate to get a part-time job, since giving up his paper-round as it was paying less and less - he's been walking round handing out his CV and picking up application forms today, he's happy to do anything that'll earn him a few quid.

I work full-time and if they don't want what I'm cooking or can't wait then they get their own, I haven't got time to pander to them.

Start getting tough with him, don't offer to buy him anything, because if what you're offering/can afford isn't good enough then he can go without.