Would you ask your son to leave home?

adamantine

ceebeeby wrote: »

Reeeeeaaaalllly ... cannot agree less!!!

Remember DS and GF are 18, this isn't wee kids that aren't playing nicely, these are (meant to be) adults.

If my DD's BF parents came round and said we don't like the gift you're giving BF for his birthday, I'd be like .... errrrrr .... wierd!!!

No??????

but the son isnt an adult he is a child acting like a child and ought to be treated as one.

he is playing his parents off of his gf and her parents and them believing him is undermining OP and her DH and is doing the son no good whatsoever.

he needs to learn lying has no good results and people always get found out.

make_me_wise

victory wrote: »

Most of his friends have pt jobs, some get funded by their parents, none of them volunteer (we just said that to boost his cv)

We had a list in the kitchen of things that had to be done, he did, then he didn't, we had rules, he did then he didn't, he comes into check, then goes out again so we pull him back in and he goes...

It is amazing what you can get from doing 'something for nothing'. I am a teacher and the school where I work was approached by a young student last year. She was doing an NVQ in child care, learning and development and starting her 2nd year. She asked to come in and help for free so she could get some practical experience of working with kids. We had her helping us 3 days a week, every week without fail. She worked in the classes along side the teachers, over all 4 year groups. Not an easy thing for a young adult to cope with. When we had xmas/easter shows in the evenings she came along and helped out. She volunteered to come along on school trips.

Such was her commitment, reliability and excellent manner with the kids that before the end of term she was offered a job. She now works as a special needs assistant, one to one with a child. If she continues to work as hard, she will go along way and her hard work will be recognised.

Too many people see volunteering as a mugs game, especially the young who wont do anything for nothing. It has paid off for her though.

ceebeeby

I don't dispute that he's behaving like a child (at best!) but that's no reason for Victory to lower her standards publicly with the GF's parents. Think of it logically. So what that he's lying etc. etc. and btw how do you know this Victory, but there's not a whole lot you can do about that, and if you go along on your high horse, you're just going to look like an irrational, neurotic wierdo Mum who's ranting that your son isn't telling the truth. There's only going to be one loser and that'll be Victory.

charliemaine1bee

Not had chance to read right through the thread but it could have been me writing your first post a few months ago...
All i can say is throwing him out ive felt like doing so many times but i would have had a nervous breakdown if id actually turfed him out...soooo what i did was literally stand my ground on EVERYTHING...no emotional blackmail from him..not rising to his arguements..and making him realise no worky no money..things have improved loads now..he still plays the woe is me card with wanting a car..everyone gets money off their parents..etc etc...and i say tough you want nice things you earn the money..recession is hitting everyone..
Good luck with it..just stand your ground on everything you believe is right x

thorsoak

I actually missed the post about the text from GF's parents re provisional licence!!

I would be inclined to text back, expressing surprise that he has not got provisional licence, as he was given the money for it way back in ....... . Put the pressure on the little darling!!

BTW - his GF's parents will soon realise that he isn't all sweetness & light if he does stay at their place all the time, and behave as he does at home ....if he does actually behave himself and starts to apply himself, to both education and getting a job (it would appear that GF's parents have encouraged their DD along this route successfully) - then problem solved! Might not have been the way that you would like him to arrive at maturity, but as long as he gets there.....

victory

make_me_wise wrote: »

After the description you have given of how your nearly adult son carrries on I think you are doing extremely well to still 'adore him'. What an arrogant, delusional little upstart he sounds. Sorry OP but that is how he comes across.

You are one of the posters on here who I like and respect, someone sensible and grounded. So I struggle to see how he has turned out this way. My impression of your son is not good, he seems like a spoilt brat. Yet I get the impression he hasn't been raised that way and that he has been told many times what you can give him and what isn't possible.

You ask is it 'too risky' to ask him to leave. Depends what you mean by that really. I feel that if you did say this he would go. If the gf parents have any sense they wont take him in. I dont think though that he would come back to you, realise the error of his ways, apologise and start living as you would like.

The risk is what happens next. I think his pride will get in the way of him coming home to you. This young man seems to think the world owes him. What worries me most is his comment 'Its not what you know but who you know'. I think this leaves him very vulnerable to be taken in by people who will not have his best interests at heart. They will be only to happy to dazzle him then take him for a right ride.

Sadly I dont think he has the social maturity to know who to trust and who to steer well clear of. His priorities seem all over the place and Im not convinced his judgement would be that clever to be honest. Its all very well knowing people, but unless you are wordly wise and can sit and evaluate the pros and cons from all angles, it is very easy to end up !!!!! creek without a paddle.

Who would bail him out if he gets himself into deep trouble, financially or otherwise?

I totally agree, he is his own worst enemy at the moment and he cannot see it, we spent time with him this evening looking at uiversities, he could barely pick his head up from his ipod face book page saying he had already done the research and we knew nothing.

I would never let him go, ask him to leave without knowing that he would go straight to his gf house, he would not have anywhere else to go and is not street wise, he can get quite nervous and uncertain if he is around others he does not truly know so there is no chance he would go elsewhere, it would be his gf house.

victory

RAS wrote: »

Send a message back pointing out that you paid for his provisional licence months ago. Given them a date if you want. No further comment about what happened to the money.

Oh I did straight away making perfectly clear that I have already given/paid for a provisional, I told the recipient whether it be the gf, her mum or my own son, who will ever know? that he spent the money but now in view of them funding some driving lessons for him would re-buy it as a birthday present.

It can be done online, I AM not going to be taken for a mug, they need to know he had the chance, he blew it, they need to know he has gone off to them with a sob story which is not true, I am not going to be bullied or humiliated into a bigger, fancier present for his 18th because he thinks he has cornered me into keeping up appearances, absolutely not.

thorsoak

Victory - only you will know whether this would work or not - but would it be worth getting his GF's parents on board, on your side. Could you be absolutely frank with them, and tell them that they are bringing out his positive side, and at the moment all he shows you is his negative side? Could you possibly even show them this thread - or an edited version of it?

With them as allies, you might, between you all, bring out the semi-decent human being that is lurking in all that adolescent angst!

victory

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I think a full and frank exchange of views with his g/f's parents is well overdue. Going behind your back and extricating driving-lessons from them is going far too far in my book.

I have no idea how you have managed to restrain yourself from strangling him a long time ago.

I agree, this text business has really upset me, I asked him directly 100% deny or be honest did you send me these texts, what texts he says? Well the little sausage is bound to say that, so I went on, I Will never know whether his gf phone was used to send the texts by him, her, her mum or a combination of the two or the thoughts of the 3 but either way I AM very annoyed and dislike the tone of them, come on now pay for the provisional and we will pay for the driving lessons seen as you can't afford anything else type thing, I am not impressed and he knows it. I will not be held to ramson.

ceebeeby

I think you need a big hug victory and a big well done for surviving with positivity for this long!