A question for mothers of adult children please

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

I don't know where we go from here

Australia is nice this time of year.;)

onlyroz

I haven't read all the replies but in general I think that once you're financially independent of your parents then they should take a step back and let you get on with your life. Giving advice and opinions is fine and to be welcomed, but saying that their way is the only right way is not on.

Some parents seem to expect continual gratitude for the fact that they brought you into being. But once you're an adult the relationship should have a bit more give-and-take. And so, for example, parents should not automatically expect to be visited just because they're your parents. E.g. my in-laws seemed to expect regular calls and visits, but they took limited interest in our lives and would never call or visit us unless they were specifically asked.

SuzieSue

Just read your update. Your mother sounds just like my mother. Sorry OP, I don't think it will ever get better, I don't think people like our mothers can ever change.

As others have said, you need to detach yourself from her for your own sanity. She is ruining your life and will continue to do so. If you can move back to Oz then do it.

BitterAndTwisted

You are beholden to her because you depend on her for childcare. This is allowing her to exploit your relationship as it suits. The only solution is to make other arrangements so you can detach yourself from her grasp. This has been on the cards since before you gave birth. You and everyone else who read your thread at the time could have foreseen this very clearly. I'm absolutely shocked that you let yourself fall into this very nasty trap.

Blue_Monkey

B&T - I should be clear that she hasn't been difficult about childcare, it's me who is guessing that our next conversation is going to be awkward. As yet, she has not held me at ransom using childcare. She knows I have other options (my dad & stepmum and the in-laws, or an additional day in nursery) so I doubt she would jeopardise her time with DD. However, I do get your point because whilst she knows I do have other options in terms of who could look after DD, if I make use of one of these other options it takes our conflict to a whole new level - akin to saying "I want to live with Dad" and I would hazard a guess that she thinks I wouldn't dare do this.

balletshoes

Blue Monkey, say what you want to say to your Mum, if you don't feel comfortable having your DD babysat by your Mum while you 2 are having a prolonged spat, tell her, calmly, and make other arrangements.

It sounds like your Mum will continue to pick pick pick at everything you do, you'll never please her unless she is centre stage in your life, and she can't be now, your OH and your DD are.

KxMx

There is a very long thread here which may prove useful reading. It is somewhat of a haven for people with difficult parents, away from the judgemental posts of those who grew up with "Ma&Pa Larkin" and find it incomprehensible that parents can do any wrong, plus there is always someone who guilts you by pulling the dead parent card, saying they wish they could be moaning about them etc etc...

The important thing is you have realised the problem lies with her and not with you. You can't change her but you can change how you react and deal with her. This often diminishes the power narcissist's wield.

Dustykitten

I think you know that she will not change, they don't. I go through stages where I think I'm making progress with my mother but in reality I am just being more tolerant. She will then make a mean and cutting comment and I realise that nothing has changed. You are a lot younger than I am and over the years I try to let her get to me less, take less notice, take things less to heart but no it never really changes.

Never heard of FOG before so off to google that. Good luck.

Blue_Monkey

Thank you. I'm going to leave it until the weekend and then give her a call to see how things are for Tuesday when she's due to have DD. If it's particularly hostile I think I will say that I'm not comfortable with her having DD whilst we seem unable to communicate properly. If I'm honest, I do feel scared to take this approach, because she will see it as me using DD as blackmail. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I can usually just put this down to "mum being mum" but for some reason this time I can't. It isn't normal or right to be having this level of altercation with my mum on this frequent basis.

Perhaps I do need to consider counselling.

I will check out that other thread later too aka MSE Counselling

RAS

Blue Monkey

At one point DS and I had a chat and both admittted to each other that we were receiving counselling to help cope with our mother (who was playing us off against each other as well as the general narcisistic stuff).

As you say, the one common factor in all these broken relationships is..........mum.

When you decide that it is better for someone other than mum to look after DD, she will react badly. You need to expect that and plan to cope with it.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss Australia with OH? They are recruitng now but that may not stay that way for ever.

Things with mum and DD may be OK now but if you leave it mum will start to disrupt DD's relation ship with you, OH or any sibling becasue she can. For DDs sake and yours get out whilst you can.