A question for mothers of adult children please

Blue_Monkey

I'm not sure a move back to Oz is what we want now (we've just had an offer accepted on a house here!) plus there are the other grandparents to consider. Whilst DH enjoyed it there, I wasn't sure it would ever be home permanently (I was on a 2 year extendable contract). We'll see though - we've discussed living abroad again in the future so it's not totally off the cards.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

How much involvement do you expect to have in your adult children's lives?

Reason I ask is that my mum and I have had a bit of a tiff and when I asked her today if we're friends she said she doesn't know. She basically said something about me not eating a good diet and it being bad for the baby (I'm pregnant) which got my back up. I wasn't cross but did say that I didn't want her to track or comment on my food thank you. She then accused me of being rude and that did get me cross so we had a bit of a barny.

That was on Sunday, and today she's saying she won't be "cast in the role of an interfering old woman and will therefore take a step back and not get involved". I was a bit baffled and said "isn't this how it should be given that I'm 31 years old?". Mum said in a woe-is-me way that though this 'insults' her it looks like it needs to be the way forward.

I think she wanted me to disagree with her and say "no no, I do want you involved" but I didn't and she is now feeling hard-done-by. She even said "you're right, you don't need me, and in fact you haven't for years" but in a snippy/offended tone.

She can be very overbearing and self-absorbed and its been worrying me that she would get too much when the baby arrives (she played with my buggy before I did because I got it delivered to her house, offended that we won't share name ideas with her, gets upset when we tell her we don't want her name suggestions, she even has her own pet-name for my bump and said she feels like she's got to come and rub it every day so that it knows who Grandma is). So whilst this new sulking that she's doing seems a little OTT, I actually feel relieved that she wants to back off a bit - but - I imagine that now there will always be an element of "well you don't want me involved" and that unless/until I go back saying "I need you mummy" this little rift will go on for a long time...

Ugh. I think this is touching a nerve with me because I'm about to become a mother myself. I don't want to think that I can say or do whatever I like to my kids just because I'm their mother or is that just what happens? Is it not normal to break away from your parents as an adult and do your own thing and to generally stop needing them or wanting them to comment on every little thing? As the mother of an adult does she still have an automatic right to be able to make little comments on my life? She says she sees it as being loving and kind, but it certainly doesn't come across that way....

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant, but I'm also keen to know how other's feel about this.

Thanks, BM x

Well, when you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, try and imagining him/her telling you that something is nothing to do with you, they don't want you, don't need you and really, after you stopped having to wipe their behind, you're pretty much of an inconvenience and irritation to them.


I'm not behind either side (you both sound hormonal, tbh), but nobody ever imagines their child not absolutely adoring them forever.

Blue_Monkey

Have you read the whole thread JoJo?

I appreciate where you're coming from, it's hard to imagine DD being anything but my lovely baby... But, she doesn't owe me anything and never will. I will always try my utmost to consider her feelings first, to respect her and to learn to gauge when my opinion might be offered. She no doubt will get stroppy with me, we all get stroppy or roll our eyes at some point. I will learn to bite my tongue when appropriate and "discipline" when appropriate. I will not jump down her throat because she's offended when I force my opinion on her. I will accept that I don't always know best and I'm not always right. I will not be a walkover... but it will not be a one way street.

geminilady

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Well, when you hold that baby in your arms for the first time, try and imagining him/her telling you that something is nothing to do with you, they don't want you, don't need you and really, after you stopped having to wipe their behind, you're pretty much of an inconvenience and irritation to them.


I'm not behind either side (you both sound hormonal, tbh), but nobody ever imagines their child not absolutely adoring them forever.

I agree with this and feel sorry for your mum,you are her "baby" the protective instinct does not stop no matter how old the "baby" gets you will find that out for yourself one day,your mum obviously has the same feelings for your daughter because she is part of you.As you said in a earlier post some people have mothers who are Alcoholics,on drugs ect. You are lucky to have one who cares so much.I understand that you clash because you have different personalities maybe councelling would help

Blue_Monkey

The thing is, it's not like I told her to "f*** off and mind her own". I admit (now and back then) that I was flouncy and I should've appreciated she was only expressing concern. I get that. What I don't get is the completely irrational overreaction afterwards.

I had learnt (from her) that shouting is the best way to be understood. DH is so gentle and kind and doesn't get angry often, and never has issues with anyone, he's not angry with people, he's on speaking terms with everyone I can think of and always has been; his approach is gentle. When I realised this about him I was honestly gobsmacked that this was a) possible b) effective and c)intrinsic/natural/unconcious. He is genuinely nice and it was an eye-opener to me to realise that you didn't have to be agressive and bolshy and demanding and fear-inducing to make things happen.

KxMx

geminilady wrote: »

I agree with this and feel sorry for your mum,you are her "baby" the protective instinct does not stop no matter how old the "baby" gets you will find that out for yourself one day,your mum obviously has the same feelings for your daughter because she is part of you.As you said in a earlier post some people have mothers who are Alcoholics,on drugs ect. You are lucky to have one who cares so much.I understand that you clash because you have different personalities maybe councelling would help

Of course mums are always going to be protective over their kids. My Nan speaks about my Uncle (just under 60) in a very endearing way. That is normal.

What isn't normal or rational in OP's case is how her mum reacts when she doesn't get her own way. I think it goes beyond a personality clash.

Dustykitten

TBH unless somebody has been brought up by a narcissistic mother I don't think they will understand how subtle but damaging it can be. Somebody who has had that experience will totally get what you mean. I'm glad you have chosen a partner who is so different.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Have you read the whole thread JoJo?

I appreciate where you're coming from, it's hard to imagine DD being anything but my lovely baby... But, she doesn't owe me anything and never will. I will always try my utmost to consider her feelings first, to respect her and to learn to gauge when my opinion might be offered. She no doubt will get stroppy with me, we all get stroppy or roll our eyes at some point. I will learn to bite my tongue when appropriate and "discipline" when appropriate. I will not jump down her throat because she's offended when I force my opinion on her. I will accept that I don't always know best and I'm not always right. I will not be a walkover... but it will not be a one way street.

Yes, I have. She sounds a pain. But believe me, as your child/children grow older, no matter what you do, there is a good chance that they will do or say something that makes you feel in a similar way. For example, you could offend your daughter by just breathing. Or, as my niece (aged 23) bewails to the world via facebook, does something as henious as eats in the same room as her. Or says she doesn't think that she should try to encourage the neighbour's cat into the house to keep it.




It's all very well saying you won't make any mistakes and you will always be a perfect mother. Odds are that you, like everybody else, won't be. And, like a large number of others, will be faced with the monster that is a teenager at some point, where there is no chance of you being able to do a single thing right.

I've got two older girls. One spent an entire year hating the fact that I wasn't dead. However, after that year, she came round to the idea that actually, I'm not the devil incarnate after all. And that such acts of child abuse as - gasp - refusing to pick her dirty knickers and school uniform off her bedroom floor at the age of 13 - aren't as terrible as she claimed them to be.

Nothing I ever did in that year could ever be right - I would imagine that perhaps you've been on the receiving end of that feeling at some point in your life. Sometimes you say the right thing, most the time, whatever you say won't solve it and will just as likely end in another row. Even saying nothing would be wrong. So whatever you do, there's somebody you love rejecting you and saying you aren't good enough.




Nothing you have reported your mum as saying is a capital offence. She's expressed concern about your eating - maybe she is wrong, maybe she's right, I have absolutely no idea; but it's a normal thing for a parent to be thinking of - I hope my eldest is eating properly, and will always try to encourage to do so when I see her, by offering good food. But the fact is that as a University Student, she is probably intermittently starving herself and eating crap. That only hurts her physically; if she were pregnant, it would be hurting somebody else. A snotty comment from her about any interest in her health would be exactly that.


She looked at a buggy. If it was a state secret, it would have made more sense to get it delivered to your home. I wouldn't like it opened either, but it's not the end of the world. I used to prefer to get to the Argos catalogue before the girls did as well; rather than getting angry, I just ensured the problem never came about again by getting two copies. Same principle; don't give a chance for something to get het up about next time.


You won't tell her any ideas for names, have told her to bog off with her own ideas - and an idea is only an idea, it's not an order - a sensible and non confrontational reaction would have been to let her make her suggestions (and laugh or cringe at them in private later).


A pet name for the bump doesn't hurt - it's not as if she's got a clue about what you are calling It. And, let's not forget, if the bump were referred to by her as It, you'd be offended by that as well.


Rubbing your bump - could it be that it's an excuse to have physical contact with her daughter, a cackhanded way of getting a hug and trying to show love to the baby. Saying she wants to be involved?


And now she's given you warning she's stepping back, it's giving you the opportunity to explain what you do want - but what you sound as though you are saying is that you want a cheap childminder, not a grandparent. That you're using her.





Personally, I don't have any of these issues with my mother. Well, beyond the initial 'you should have an abortion and get rid of it because you won't be a good mother like me' telephone call. :cool:


Want to swap?





ETA: I'm not saying you are definitely 100% in the wrong. But I have read your posts carefully and I'm not convinced that she is entirely in the wrong, either. She's how old? 50s? So menopausal? You're pregnant. How many hormones do you need flying around the place at once? It's possible that this is getting blown up out of proportion.

Seriously, try and read your own posts dispassionately and try and see how a stranger could interpret them. Then think whether there could be an element of responsibility on both sides.

poet123

Dustykitten wrote: »

TBH unless somebody has been brought up by a narcissistic mother I don't think they will understand how subtle but damaging it can be. Somebody who has had that experience will totally get what you mean. I'm glad you have chosen a partner who is so different.

I am sure that they exist, but I very much doubt they exist in the numbers they seem to on here. It could equally be that both mother and daughter want their own way (like mother like daughter?) and yet only one gets the narcissistic title.;)

I doubt there is a person alive who has not had issues with their mother; loads of them. Such is life, that does not mean they are monsters, just that they are not perfect. Who is?

CH27

You cannot change your mother but you can change how you interact with her.
Email or text instead of phoning if you find that less stressful.
Set yourself a time limit for any visits & always have somewhere to go as a guaranteed escape.