A question for mothers of adult children please

Blue_Monkey

How much involvement do you expect to have in your adult children's lives?

Reason I ask is that my mum and I have had a bit of a tiff and when I asked her today if we're friends she said she doesn't know. She basically said something about me not eating a good diet and it being bad for the baby (I'm pregnant) which got my back up. I wasn't cross but did say that I didn't want her to track or comment on my food thank you. She then accused me of being rude and that did get me cross so we had a bit of a barny.

That was on Sunday, and today she's saying she won't be "cast in the role of an interfering old woman and will therefore take a step back and not get involved". I was a bit baffled and said "isn't this how it should be given that I'm 31 years old?". Mum said in a woe-is-me way that though this 'insults' her it looks like it needs to be the way forward.

I think she wanted me to disagree with her and say "no no, I do want you involved" but I didn't and she is now feeling hard-done-by. She even said "you're right, you don't need me, and in fact you haven't for years" but in a snippy/offended tone.

She can be very overbearing and self-absorbed and its been worrying me that she would get too much when the baby arrives (she played with my buggy before I did because I got it delivered to her house, offended that we won't share name ideas with her, gets upset when we tell her we don't want her name suggestions, she even has her own pet-name for my bump and said she feels like she's got to come and rub it every day so that it knows who Grandma is). So whilst this new sulking that she's doing seems a little OTT, I actually feel relieved that she wants to back off a bit - but - I imagine that now there will always be an element of "well you don't want me involved" and that unless/until I go back saying "I need you mummy" this little rift will go on for a long time...

Ugh. I think this is touching a nerve with me because I'm about to become a mother myself. I don't want to think that I can say or do whatever I like to my kids just because I'm their mother or is that just what happens? Is it not normal to break away from your parents as an adult and do your own thing and to generally stop needing them or wanting them to comment on every little thing? As the mother of an adult does she still have an automatic right to be able to make little comments on my life? She says she sees it as being loving and kind, but it certainly doesn't come across that way....

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant, but I'm also keen to know how other's feel about this.

Thanks, BM x

Plans_all_plans

Has she always been that way? Is she generally reasonable and willing to listen?

I don't think there's a "normal" way of behaving as the mother of adult children. I think the way you intereact with each other depends entirely on your personalities and how your relationship with her has developed as you've grown up. We will all have an ideal way that we'd like our mothers to act, but my version will be different from yours etc.

FWIW, I like an arms length relationship with my mum, because I can't cope with her very well. She is overly critical, accusing and meddling, particularly when it comes to the way we're raising our child. I realise she is only doing it out of love for our daughter, but she is ridiculous with the things she "worries" about. Likewise, the verbal abuse I endure from her because she is unwilling to accept that I've got my own life/way of doing things is unacceptable, but I'm not willing to cut all ties with her, so I have to put up with it.

I think you should say to your mum "listen, I understand you're concerned, but there's really no need to be. I would like you to help me and be involved with the baby, but not at the expense of my peace of mind."

DON79

I don't have grown up children sorry but I do have a father who just can't take a step back. Not so much with me but with my sister who lives closer. He always criticises her house and garden etc and goes around there to do work on the house and garden. I have told him to leave it upto her to sort it but he just won't leave it alone. I can't get him to see that it is her choice whether the garden has weeds or the grass isn't cut. And likewise with the decoration or tidiness of her own place.

Recently he did try something with my husband and I and it got my husbands back up so he just told him straight off that he was not to tell us what to do. He told us we were not under any terms to get another dog! We have anyway so I have no doubt he will moan and moan when he finds out we have but too bad.

Parents should take a step back and I hope when my children are grown, I can do that and let them come to me if they need help.

Blue_Monkey

Plans - This little incident has taken me back about 15 years to when I was a teenager. At that time I used to feel her approach was something along the lines of "My way or the high way". It wasn't so much even the fact that she was commenting on my food that annoyed me, it was more that she accused me of being rude when I said I didn't really appreciate that kind of comment! Just reminded me of the fact that she gets to say what she likes and everyone else has to lump it. Her relationship with my brother isn't great these days, mainly because she is forever commenting on his life (he's a bit of a drifter), but unfortunately can't see that all it does is push him away (yet she's then upset because he's not popped over for ages).

OH and I have been worried about whether she'll be critical of our parenting style and thinks that she'll be able to "pick us up on it". When relatives or family friends visit with their small children she always goes on about their behaviour after they've left, commenting on what the parents did/didn't/should've done.

Don - I really hope I am able to take a step back and let my sproggies get on with it. I hope I can learn to keep my opinions to myself and bite my tongue. Really worries me though that it's just inevitable that we end up like our parents.... A friend who recently had her first baby said "You just want your mum there with you to begin with" and I felt sad in that I don't because I know she'll take over, and tell me what to do rather than teach me, if that makes sense...

Blue_Monkey

God, and now I feel bad for writing all this... I know that she does mean well, but it's just that when people don't respond in the way she wants them to, all hell breaks loose!

lollyb84

Don't worry! I know how you feel. My mum can't accept that we're now grown up and doesn't need her telling us how to run our lives.

I got married recently, and when I tried to involve her, she wasn't interested - it's too far for me to travel (we live about 200 miles apart so I can accept this), or when I asked her opinion she 'didn't know/mind' but when I didn't ask her opinion all hell broke loose. I was deliberately excluding her. Um, no, you just aren't interested in anything else, so I'm not interested in asking you about this!

However, I digress. I don't think there's any right or wrong answers to the level, I think it depends on your personalities. I'm very independent, whereas my mum is very needy, and it just doesn't work. The more she 'clings' the more I push her away. However, my MIL is very independent, as is her daughter, and they get on great - practically best friends.

I'm not really sure any of that helps you at all, but just wanted to reassure you you're not the only one!

JBD

I have a grown up son [age 23]. I see him once or twice a week and we usually phone/text once a day [partly to keep in touch with his younger brother. My own Mum has died but we lived 300 miles away so contact was mainly over the phone.
I actually wouldn't be comfortable with that level of involvement that your Mum wants, and that goes both ways. For starters, I would have hated anyone rubbing my bump and I certainly won't be rubbing any bumps of my potential daughters in law. I will only give my opinion if I am asked for it regarding their babies [unless I think the baby is in danger of course] and just really be there in the background if they need help. I'm quite a private person myself and I respect other people's right to be so. Of course another person may find this a little bit stand offish, and it sounds as if your Mum might feel that way.
The best thing to do is to talk to your Mum and let her know how much you would like her to be involved. Family support can be very important. Good luck with your pregnancy.

Mojisola

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

She can be very overbearing and self-absorbed and its been worrying me that she would get too much when the baby arrives (she played with my buggy before I did because I got it delivered to her house, offended that we won't share name ideas with her, gets upset when we tell her we don't want her name suggestions, she even has her own pet-name for my bump and said she feels like she's got to come and rub it every day so that it knows who Grandma is). So whilst this new sulking that she's doing seems a little OTT, I actually feel relieved that she wants to back off a bit - but - I imagine that now there will always be an element of "well you don't want me involved" and that unless/until I go back saying "I need you mummy" this little rift will go on for a long time...

I'd look on it as a blessing in disguise. If she doesn't learn to back off a bit now, it's going to be very difficult after the baby is born!

Seriously, if she wants to sulk, she's not behaving like an adult. If she was a child, you'd ignore behaviour like this. I'd do the same with her. Behave normally with her and don't rise to the comments.

FattyBettyBoo

My Dad is exactly the same with me when it comes to my DD. He was not too bad before I had her, but I was a single parent for a while and lining with him. I moved out when DD had just tured 1 and now live with my OH - but yet my Dad still loves to dictate how my DD should be brought up. We were considering a 4 week trip to Australia during the sumer holidays and my Dad forbid us to go!! He had massively strong opinions on names for her and schools. We would like to move away soon as OH is finding it hard to find work, but I'm quite sure I won't be allowed. My Dad means well - the problem is that he has not much else going on in his life so DD means everything to him.

P.s. we see him every day!!! Organised about 3 days and the other 4 he just drops in.

lostinrates

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

God, and now I feel bad for writing all this... I know that she does mean well, but it's just that when people don't respond in the way she wants them to, all hell breaks loose!

I have felt exactly this this week. My mother wants to move to our village. I love her very, very much, but I find her...if not too much then ''a lot''. I have been suggesting places with in a half hour from here, that as well as giving each of us some space would also, IMO, be nicer for her...more going on, more to do culturally and also would give her independance as she gets older but still close enough for me to get to easily were she ill or in need of help with something. This week she finally realised (with the unwanted help of a third party) why I was suggesting places a distance from here and is REALLY white hot furious. The thing its.....it confirmed to me why I don't want her right next door!

I want a good relationship with her, but on terms we can both live with comfortably.

Kay_Peel

You can rest assured that you are going through something very normal and sensible. You are forging a new relationship with your mother BEFORE your baby arrives. You are setting boundaries. The fact that your mother isn't grown up enough to respect your needs and wishes (it's all about her!) is a great shame. Personally speaking, I only voice my opinions to my grown up children when I'm asked for them. I keep in contact, take an interest in their in lives, provide them with a listening ear and I'm always there if needed. I rejoice in the fact that they are independent, self-sufficient and balanced.

When I held my first baby in my arms I had an overwhelming sense of what my mother had felt like when I was born. (Hormonal changes made me very sentimental and weepy.) In the first few months of looking after my baby I really began to appreciate the depth of her love. It was lucky for me that she lived 300 miles away, though. I wanted to explore motherhood and become the mother that I wanted to be - not follow the well-meaning advice of another woman.

A good grandmother falls into line. A nuisance grandmother claims the new baby for her own and doesn't give the new mum (and dad!) any space or respect.

To be fair, your mother will need some time and some very clear messages to back off before she adjusts to her new role. She has been trying to emotionally blackmail you into giving her a free rein to interfere and luckily you have recognised her childish antics. I think you are very wise to put a warning shot across her boughs and put her in her place now rather than later.

Hope everything goes well for you.