A question for mothers of adult children please

Blue_Monkey

Gah. She's barely speaking to me at all, I feel like this is going to get worse before it gets better One word answers, firmly closed doors, leaving the house without saying goodbye....

And to think we moved back from Australia to be closer to friends and family.....

Plans_all_plans

Do you get on well in general?

Do you want a relationship with her?

Has she always been the same?

I just feel apathy towards my mum now (I know it's terrible) but our relationship has broken down and nothing short of a miracle could rebuild it. 16 years of fighting have worn me down! We are still in contact, but if I'm honest, the only reason I entertain this at all is so that my daughter can have a relationship with her. And I am not comfortable with the idea of cutting ties with members of ones family. Also, it would put my dad in a difficult position if I cut ties with her.

If you don't want to get to the stage I'm at, then try to address it when she's less angry. If she's receptive to constructive criticism and listens to you then you may have a chance. Unfortunately, my mum didn't listen to me and how I feel and now she's lost me (but I try not to show it to spare her feelings)

pigpen

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Gah. She's barely speaking to me at all, I feel like this is going to get worse before it gets better One word answers, firmly closed doors, leaving the house without saying goodbye....

And to think we moved back from Australia to be closer to friends and family.....

She will get over herself...

Give her a day or 2 to stop being so angry and unreceptive.. then give her a hug and tell her you will always need your mum but you dont need to be mothered you are a grown woman and will ask for her advice a million times no doubt once you are yourself a mother.. though you appreciate she means well it just feels like consant criticism..

Then get the pair of yourselves out for lunch/coffee/shopping whatever yo both enjoy!

desert_rose

Its time for you to set some boundaries before the baby is born. All you need and all you deserve is a bit of respect from your mum.

If she's all needy and clingy then its simply down to the fact that she hasn't moved on from the 'letting go', stage of child rearing - its a phase that most mums have real difficulty with - I did myself with my two.

Its hard to see your grown up child as an adult and its hard to take a step back. I learned the hard way when my adult kids set out some firm boundaries that I had to reflect on very seriously if I didn't want my relationship with them deteriorating further.

There are some really good books on this topic with loads of good advice for both sides. Take a look at some reviews over at Amazon and you'll find you're not alone - this is a huge problem in modern families and its a tough road to navigate.

Stay strong though.

This is your life, your family, your baby. YOU set the tone now for how things work out, not your mum. And she has to accept that. If you stay strong and focused, behave like an adult and not a child, she'll come around eventually.

Bufger

My MIL is just like that and she actually calmed down by the time the baby arrived as she realised it was a special time for us as a small family unit and we wouldnt forget her. She loves having our LO and we make sure both lots of grandparents get equal chance for sleepover babysitting and evenings etc.

Have a sit down and chat, make it a serious one where you talk and she listens for the first part. Tell her you want to involve her and you will do so when you feel its necessary. Her becoming involved and being involved by you are two completely different things!

Lara44

It was nice to read your post Blue Monkey, because I felt like I could have written it myself My Mum's behaviour is very similar to yours and has been my whole childhood. My Mum feels free to say whatever she wants to me (however hurtful) as she has my 'best interests at heart' whereas if I object to any of her comments I face the silent / guilt treatment. I still haven't found a way to get over the guilt, so I have just tried to plaster over the cracks. It's not working.

I got married recently which brought everything to a head. Like Lolly my Mum didn't want to talk about arrangements expect to object to them, and then told other family members that I was leaving her out. We took on board all her reasonable suggestions, and the others fell by the wayside. To be honest I am more disillusioned than ever, because I feel like my Mum just wasn't there for me when I needed her. I just wanted her to be honestly happy for us, but it was clouded by her own issues and needs. I don't really know where to go next, but I keep contact up by phone (we like a big distance away) because I ultimately want a relationship with my Mum. Where we go from here though, I am not sure.

Sorry I just offloaded on your thread!! At least you know you're not alone :rotfl:

motherofstudents

Sorry you're going through this at what should be a really happy time in your life and your mum's. I must have been so lucky with my mum although we did have a few ups and downs when I was growing up, fairly normal I should think. As a mum myself with grown up kids, it is hard to adjust to your new role in life so do try to understand that. I know it's annoying for you but we mums find it hard too. I try my best not to interfere but to be there if I am needed and it is a fine line sometimes. I hope you can resolve things between you as two adults. My mum and I were always close but we got even closer as she got older and more dependent on me. There was in a way a role reversal. I had to do things for her which she could no longer manage but she was always there for me to ask for advice and just to talk to and I miss that now she is no longer here with me.

anguk

I've got a 24yr old son who lives hundreds of miles away but we speak on the phone several times a week and he comes home every few months to visit. I've tried very hard not to interfere in his life for a number of years now and to be honest I've never felt the need to because he's always been very independent. We're very close and if he does ask for my advice I'll give it to him but I'll always tell him that he must do what he feels is right. I mustn't be too bad because he's getting married in a couple of years and they're planning to come back up here and settle so they're nearby. :cool:

I've also got a daughter who is almost 18 and she still lives at home, I do give her advice and tell her what I think about things but again it's her life so she has to make her own decisions. For example she's in her final year of A levels, we've discussed university, apprenticeships, leaving full-time education etc but ultimately she is the one who will make the decision about her future because it's her life.

I left home at 18 and had my son at 19 so I've always been independent and I would have hated people interfering and telling me what to do and I think that's why I try my hardest not to interfere in my kids lives now they're older.

I would leave your mum to sulk for a few days then explain to her that while you appreciate she's concerned you're an adult now and it's your baby so you need to make your own decisions. You really do need to set boundaries now before the baby is born.

CH27

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Gah. She's barely speaking to me at all, I feel like this is going to get worse before it gets better One word answers, firmly closed doors, leaving the house without saying goodbye....

And to think we moved back from Australia to be closer to friends and family.....

That may be the key!
She may be trying to make up for the years you were away & has an idealised picture in her mind of your relationship & how it will be.

You will have to be calm & firm about establishing boundaries.

candygirl

I think she might just be an over excited Nana to be.I wasn't quite as bad;):o but did fuss over DD when she had Boo(now 2).Now she's just had another baby last week, and i've been far more laid back:D:D
On the plus side I am very hands on, and have Boo over to stay whenever they want, whereas her bfs Mum does sweet FA, and has even said she wont be babysitting at all for the new baby which is her first grandchild:eek::eek:
Try and make up with your Mum, cos you will deffo need her when baby arrives:D:D:D
PS boo is here now ,trashing the joint and colouring all over my wooden floor:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: