A question for mothers of adult children please

Lara44

I don't expect anything from my Mum. I don't ask for anything. I visit often and I would love for her to visit me more (we live in different countries in the UK).

When we are together it would be so great if my Mum could really listen. It would be so good for her to know the actual me. To be able accept that we are different, and that it's okay to have different opinions. If she could stop needing to be right about everything, it would leave room for so much more.

I would like to be treated with the same respect she shows to her friends. For her to ditch tough love entirely. I would like my Mum to be really happy for me because I am in such a good place in life at the minute.

snowmaid

Lara44 wrote: »

I don't expect anything from my Mum. I don't ask for anything. I visit often and I would love for her to visit me more (we live in different countries in the UK).

When we are together it would be so great if my Mum could really listen. It would be so good for her to know the actual me. To be able accept that we are different, and that it's okay to have different opinions. If she could stop needing to be right about everything, it would leave room for so much more.

I would like to be treated with the same respect she shows to her friends. For her to ditch tough love entirely. I would like my Mum to be really happy for me because I am in such a good place in life at the minute.

Who is your Mum? Do you know your Mum? What do you know about her youth? Do you know anything about her wants and desires? Her life before she had you? What she dreams about for you? Have you sat and listened to your Mum?

There is a lot of 'I wants' on here...a lot of demands....as if Mum's have to fall into step, sit in the corner, shutup and behave, until spoken to .....these same mums will end up in old age homes, forgotten and cast aside...visited maybe once a month, when it's convenient. These are women (in the most) who have given a lot to us, even perhaps sacrificed for us. But remember, one will be treated the way your kids see you treating your Mum. What goes round, comes round.

My mum is still such a huge part of our lives and will always be. She goes away with us when we go as a family (sister, her kids etc), she comes through to me every 2nd weekend, she knitted shawls for our kids when they were babies and is now knitting for my grandchildren. We include her in everything and she is respected as the Matriach of the family.

I will NEVER forget when we did voluntary work at an old age home on Christmas eve, a family were dropping their Mum off at the home for Christmas!!! I don't care if they were going away or whatever their so called reason was, it was disgusting and even my adult kids were disgusted and shocked.

I know as an adult I don't suddenly stop making mistakes, and if I can be warned against doing something a certain way then why not. Whether I use that advice or not, it's perhaps something that I wouldn't have thought of doing differently until it was pointed out to me. Why should I take offence?

Don't get me wrong, she drives us batty at times!! :rotfl:A lot of the time! I have threatened to send her to Digitas, telling her that her place is booked, now a standard joke between us!).

CH27

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thanks RAS. I'm just feeling a little paranoid now that it's me.

This is now the second incident of this kind. A few years back OH and I were struggling to save some money and mum offered to lend us money for a deposit on a flat. She came to a viewing with us and whilst we were waiting for the agent and my OH and stepdad were faffing around, she said about my OH, "He doesn't appreciate you, you know". By the time the agent turned up I was a sobbing mess. I was so so so heartbroken that she said this about my kind, wonderful, caring, sweet, considerate, doting OH. How could she? And you know what, on very very rare occasions now if OH and I argue, I can hear her saying it again and whilst I've forgiven her for it, I'm not sure I'll ever forget it, and also resent the fact that that seed was sown and whilst I know he does appreciate me, at those silly times during fights, it bubbles under in a maybe-mum-was-right kind of way until I manage to get a grip. At that point I told her I didn't want to borrow the money from her and never will again - it was a loan with conditions - that she was buying the right to say whatever she wanted to. I didn't ever tell her that was why I didn't want the cash, but we did have a row about what she'd said - lo and behold - it was my choice of reaction that was the issue, not the fact that she'd said it. Same story this time too.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this has happened now... I just pray it doesn't happen again over something else, though I think the baby will be a catalyst for another set-to at some point.

I don't want to do this to my children

She is, at least, speaking to me now.

Are you planning to get your own place?

euronorris

snowmaid wrote: »

Can I ask those on here who are moaning about their mums, what do you expect from your Mum? What do you want from her? What is the level of involvement in your life for her? What is she permitted to do?

And how does your mum help you? Do you ever approach her for help?

I don't believe I am moaning about my Mum. She's great, but she's not without her faults. Neither am I.

Recognising that, and trying to improve the relationship doesn't make me (or anyone else) a bad person.

I don't expect anything from my Mum, and I hope she doesn't expect anything from me. All I want is for us to have a good, close, adult (ie more friendship based) relationship, where we can share stories, knowledge and experiences on a level that we are BOTH comfortable with.

When we are discussing a situation, and have requested her input, I'd like her to feel that she can be honest with me and vice versa. But, I don't want her to pass comment without invite. I don't do that with her, so I'm only asking for the same in return. There are things she does that I don't particularly agree with, or I think can be done in a much better way, but it's not my place to say. So long as she is safe, happy and healthy then there are no problems.

My Mum helps me emotionally, but that is a two way street. I've asked for her opinion before, or her experience, and sometimes I follow her advice, and sometimes I recognise it's not applicable or things are different now etc. But I'm the one who taught her how to use the computer, then the internet, then the laptop. And I've visited them so many times this year, because she wasn't able to fly. I try to help out in any way I can. She has helped me financially in the past, but that was at her insistance when she found out I was struggling. I tried continuing to pay her, but she kept returning the money. So, I also respect that there are certain aspects of my Mother that will never change.

Of course I approach her for her help, but she also approaches me for help.

CH27

Lara44 wrote: »

I don't expect anything from my Mum. I don't ask for anything. I visit often and I would love for her to visit me more (we live in different countries in the UK).

When we are together it would be so great if my Mum could really listen. It would be so good for her to know the actual me. To be able accept that we are different, and that it's okay to have different opinions. If she could stop needing to be right about everything, it would leave room for so much more.

I would like to be treated with the same respect she shows to her friends. For her to ditch tough love entirely. I would like my Mum to be really happy for me because I am in such a good place in life at the minute.

Do you listen to your mum?
Do you know the actual person yor mum is?
Do you treat your mum with respect?
Are you happy for her if she is happy?

Lara44

snowmaid wrote: »

There is a lot of 'I wants' on here...a lot of demands....as if Mum's have to fall into step, sit in the corner, shutup and behave, until spoken to

snowmaid wrote: »

Can I ask those on here who are moaning about their mums, what do you expect from your Mum?

Erm, well there area lot of 'I wants' because that's what I thought you asked I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your Mum.

CH27 wrote: »

Do you listen to your mum?
Do you know the actual person yor mum is?
Do you treat your mum with respect?
Are you happy for her if she is happy?

I can honestly say that for my part I absolutely listen. Do I 'know' her? She's such a complex lady, I am not sure if I really do. I am happy to hear all about her life. To know what she does, to know her friends and how they are doing, what she thinks and feels about what's happening in her life. I am pleased to be there and happy to know her.

I am really happy if she is happy!

CH27

Lara44 wrote: »

Erm, well there area lot of 'I wants' because that's what I thought you asked I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your Mum.



I can honestly say that for my part I absolutely listen. Do I 'know' her? She's such a complex lady, I am not sure if I really do. I am happy to hear all about her life. To know what she does, to know her friends and how they are doing, what she thinks and feels about what's happening in her life. I am pleased to be there and happy to know her.

I am really happy if she is happy!

She's a lucky lady then:)

snowmaid

I can't understand why a relationship has to change from a mother/daughter relationship when someone hits adulthood. My mum will always be my mum. I will always respect her as such. I will always respect her advice (wanted or not) etc.

Why must a Mum become a figure who only speaks when spoken to? Why is she only allowed to comment on something when invited to??? I am not talking about being deliberately hurtful etc, not at all. But if I am doing something wrong, I don't mind my mum pointing this out to me - I am 45 years of age! I don't take it personally, she is my Mum, I will always be her daughter, being middle aged doesn't change that.

I realise everyone is different, but I honestly can't understand someone taking offence to a mum offering advice. I am talking in general, and I know there are women who are honestly vindictive, cruel and/or critical and some on here may have just cause for being anti their Mums.

Kay_Peel

It strikes me that the OP's mother does not know her daughter. The OP has demonstrated that she is prepared to bite her tongue, smooth ruffled feathers and try to bring her Mum round - wouldn't it be great if Mum could do the same? Instead Mum remains intransigent - 'it's my way or no way'! She's imperious and she won't listen.

The poor OP has one baby on the way and an even bigger baby of a mother or so it seems to me.

I'm glad you've played down the visit to stay with your father - smart move!

euronorris

Ahhh, I typed out a response, but then my internet crashed and I lost it all!! Grrrrrrrrrrr