A question for mothers of adult children please

RAS

snowmaid wrote: »

Can I ask those on here who are moaning about their mums, what do you expect from your Mum? What do you want from her? What is the level of involvement in your life for her? What is she permitted to do?

And how does your mum help you? Do you ever approach her for help?

It never really worked like that. Even when I was a young she repeatedly explained to people inside and outside the family that she would be alright when she got older because I would always look after her.

I was and am extremely grateful to her for her capacity to find roofs over our head, put food on the table even if not always enough to staunch hunger, to actually put the table there and to cloth us and insist we tried hard at school. Much of the rest was harder to bear.

At some point when things got difficult, someone asked me if I liked my mother. My automatic response was "Which mother?" The screaming harridan, eeyore on downers or the brilliant talented creative and imaginative woman and professional that occasionally peeped through the layers of disappointment and bitterness?

She did psychosmatiic illness; in one case improving dramatically on a drug trial, only for us to find out she was on the placebo all along. I realised then that in my whole life she had never responded to first treatment for any illness; she always had to have something special prescribed before she could get well.

Every public holiday was marred by another health crisis and when we stopped dropping everything to rush to her side, they got worse. I recall the shock when I told one hospital that since they did not know where her key was, so I could neither stay there nor sort out clothes, washing etc, I would continue my plans for the bank holiday and speak to them on Tuesday morning. I spent the following 5 days sorting out the mess and chaos I found.

Every supposed celebration required us to navigate her sensibilities; unless she got what she wanted but would not ask for in the way of arrangments, massive sulks and bitter words followed.

I could go on but suspect you get the jist?

snowmaid wrote: »

What do you want from her? For her to be happy. For her to use and enjoy her talents.

What is the level of involvement in your life for her? Massive but not in a positive way.

At the most basic she disliked my preference for plain almost Amish style, for example. I still have an entire box of flowery china that she insisted on buying because she did not like my plain stuff with a plain border, unused. See above for the rest.

What is she permitted to do?

It would have been really nice if she had taken it upon herself to make any of the arrangments when we went on holiday. She would not even read the guidebooks and decide where she would like to go, as requested.

She was incapable of doing stuff small scale, so allowing her to do anything meant accepting a big deal. Which meant not permitting anything in the end.

And how does your mum help you?

In the last 30 years of her life very little.

Do you ever approach her for help?

Given the fall out from the help she proffered, I would not ask for anything.

lostinrates

snowmaid wrote: »

I can't understand why a relationship has to change from a mother/daughter relationship when someone hits adulthood. My mum will always be my mum. I will always respect her as such. I will always respect her advice (wanted or not) etc.

I think its wonderful to have a mother like that. For some people mother's are, as well as mothers, ticking time bombs.

Why must a Mum become a figure who only speaks when spoken to?

Never, but I do think a mother should consider her words as any one should. e.g. My mother talks all the time about babies and if ''I change my mind'' and ''when babies come along'' I'm infertile.

Why is she only allowed to comment on something when invited to???

If only! In all seriousness, ita an important act of a mother, and a friend, to do otherwise sometimes. But its the when....and noone when ..popinion offered, considered and decided not for the daughter but then turned into a battle.

I am not talking about being deliberately hurtful etc, not at all. But if I am doing something wrong, I don't mind my mum pointing this out to me - I am 45 years of age! I don't take it personally, she is my Mum, I will always be her daughter, being middle aged doesn't change that.

And if your mother is doig something wrong, would you tell her? what would her reaction be? I think that some people's mother's would listen and consider, other mothers would publically declare what an ingrate their child is.

I realise everyone is different, but I honestly can't understand someone taking offence to a mum offering advice. I am talking in general, and I know there are women who are honestly vindictive, cruel and/or critical and some on here may have just cause for being anti their Mums.

Snow maid, I think you are very lucky.

nearlyrich

I have two grown up children both living independently, neither are married or have any children but both in long term relationships with nice people. I have had a laid back parenting style since they were mid teens, they knew the house standards and "rules" and they never gave me cause to worry. I had a great Mum myself she was always there for me but never interfered and I hope to emulate this with my two.

I find adults who practice manipulation tedious, OP's mum is attention seeking I think. I would tell her that you want an adult relationship with her now you are an adult and that it's a bit soon for her to revert to her second childhood;)

snowmaid

lostinrates wrote: »

Snow maid, I think you are very lucky.

Thanks for your comments on my posts. With regards to your question re my mum doing something wrong, yes I have told her. I have told her what she could have done differently in some areas with us kids. I have told her why I won't do something she has perhaps advised and why I prefer to do what I am doing, with which she usually agrees and understands, or, we agree to disagree.

I have moaned at her for saying something without thinking to my kids at times, nothing nasty, but perhaps something that I wouldn't have discussed in front of them, for which she has apologised to me. So, it isn't roses all the time, but I still respect her as my mother and understand that she is giving advice as a mother. Perhaps I see that more clearly now at my age, as a mother of adult children, with a grandchild and one on the way.

snowmaid

RAS wrote: »

It never really worked like that. Even when I was a young she repeatedly explained to people inside and outside the family that she would be alright when she got older because I would always look after her.

I was and am extremely grateful to her for her capacity to find roofs over our head, put food on the table even if not always enough to staunch hunger, to actually put the table there and to cloth us and insist we tried hard at school. Much of the rest was harder to bear.

At some point when things got difficult, someone asked me if I liked my mother. My automatic response was "Which mother?" The screaming harridan, eeyore on downers or the brilliant talented creative and imaginative woman and professional that occasionally peeped through the layers of disappointment and bitterness?

She did psychosmatiic illness; in one case improving dramatically on a drug trial, only for us to find out she was on the placebo all along. I realised then that in my whole life she had never responded to first treatment for any illness; she always had to have something special prescribed before she could get well.

Every public holiday was marred by another health crisis and when we stopped dropping everything to rush to her side, they got worse. I recall the shock when I told one hospital that since they did not know where her key was, so I could neither stay there nor sort out clothes, washing etc, I would continue my plans for the bank holiday and speak to them on Tuesday morning. I spent the following 5 days sorting out the mess and chaos I found.

Every supposed celebration required us to navigate her sensibilities; unless she got what she wanted but would not ask for in the way of arrangments, massive sulks and bitter words followed.

I could go on but suspect you get the jist?

I'm sorry about your experience. It couldn't have been easy, and I have acknowledged that there are people on here who wouldn't have had good experiences and as such I can understand their antagonism and/or resentment towards their Mums.

Spirit_2

My mum would at times make comments we thought out of line.
She actually got quite a reputation as someone who gave her opinion rather too freely to the wives of her grandsons.

She also gave us unconditional love, loans when we were broke and some lovely memories.

Her talent for saying something rude, became a source of fun in a "you will never believe nanny's latest" kind of way. If we had not looked on it like this we would have all fallen out years ago.

I think there is point where parents need to respect you as independent individuals....but I also that this is a special relationship.

There is a saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, and I think we are sometimes misguided in thinking that we could give better direction to our adult childrens lives. Even on the occasions when we might have been right adult children have the right to chose and make their own mistakes.

I know I irritate my DD, she frequently shows this, however she still lives with us....and I am not going anywhere....so mostly we get on but have ups and downs.

Morglin

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

How much involvement do you expect to have in your adult children's lives?

Reason I ask is that my mum and I have had a bit of a tiff and when I asked her today if we're friends she said she doesn't know. She basically said something about me not eating a good diet and it being bad for the baby (I'm pregnant) which got my back up. I wasn't cross but did say that I didn't want her to track or comment on my food thank you. She then accused me of being rude and that did get me cross so we had a bit of a barny.

That was on Sunday, and today she's saying she won't be "cast in the role of an interfering old woman and will therefore take a step back and not get involved". I was a bit baffled and said "isn't this how it should be given that I'm 31 years old?". Mum said in a woe-is-me way that though this 'insults' her it looks like it needs to be the way forward.

I think she wanted me to disagree with her and say "no no, I do want you involved" but I didn't and she is now feeling hard-done-by. She even said "you're right, you don't need me, and in fact you haven't for years" but in a snippy/offended tone.

She can be very overbearing and self-absorbed and its been worrying me that she would get too much when the baby arrives (she played with my buggy before I did because I got it delivered to her house, offended that we won't share name ideas with her, gets upset when we tell her we don't want her name suggestions, she even has her own pet-name for my bump and said she feels like she's got to come and rub it every day so that it knows who Grandma is). So whilst this new sulking that she's doing seems a little OTT, I actually feel relieved that she wants to back off a bit - but - I imagine that now there will always be an element of "well you don't want me involved" and that unless/until I go back saying "I need you mummy" this little rift will go on for a long time...

Ugh. I think this is touching a nerve with me because I'm about to become a mother myself. I don't want to think that I can say or do whatever I like to my kids just because I'm their mother or is that just what happens? Is it not normal to break away from your parents as an adult and do your own thing and to generally stop needing them or wanting them to comment on every little thing? As the mother of an adult does she still have an automatic right to be able to make little comments on my life? She says she sees it as being loving and kind, but it certainly doesn't come across that way....

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant, but I'm also keen to know how other's feel about this.

Thanks, BM x

I try to always be supportive but never interfere - it's really difficult when I disgaree with my daughter about some aspect of her mothering - but, she's a brilliant mum to 4 of them, I'm very proud of her, so I bite my tongue and leave her to it.;)

I also have a rule that I never, ever take sides if she and her husband have a minor falling out - that is the road to trouble! lol.

But, if it's your mum's first grandchild, could you not involve her a little?

Can't you let her be part of it?

A first grandchild is something very special, and it's lovely to be involved with stuff like prams etc.,

You'll always need your mum, and miss her when she's gone - and you might just find that when babe is born, she might just be handy for advice and/or babysitting.

Lin

Blue_Monkey

As an update.... After our chat yesterday things calmed down, we went round in circles for a while and I think we kind of ended up agreeing to disagree. Mum then asked if I knew how to do something on the computer to help her and I did and she was dead chuffed as it was something she'd been struggling with for a while. So after that I gave her a hug and told her I loved her very much. She said she loves me too, and that she was sorry if she gets too much at times.

I think we needed to have this row. And in a way I'm glad it happened now and not when bubba is here.

We were coming at things from different angles. Given that I've been on the other side of the world until recently, I think she just had all this pent up excitement. I'm sure she took me staying at hers as a green light to go into mother mode again (which I understand I'm still her little girl I guess) but made me feel a bit smothered.

She does thinks she still 'owns' me but I think it's now clear that just because she's my mum it doesn't mean she can just say and do what she wants and should possibly bite her tongue sometimes a bit more (as everyone should when it's appropriate) - less is more!!

I do want to involve her in the baby stuff, and I'm sure her input will be invaluable, but when it's being thrust upon me from every angle, it's too much. Someone else posted on here that there is a difference between me involving her and her involving herself - and this is the balance I know we both need to work to.

I think some boundaries have been set and it'll be better now I'm not staying there I'm sure. I guess we needed a little time to get used to being around each other again after having 18 months of a Skype relationship. She can be oversensitive and I've never liked being told what to do, we just need to both remember that.

Anyway, all is ok now... I've arranged to go maternity bra shopping with her later today!

Thanks for letting me vent/rant. It has been reassuring to know I'm not alone but I'm sad to see some of you struggling too. I met up with my best friend yesterday who's mother is an alcoholic and going through a bad patch, and it helped put things into perspective a little.

bye for now, from a much happier BM x

Plans_all_plans

Snowmaid: you have no idea.

lollyb84

Blue Monkey, I'm so pleased you've sorted it with your mum. Mum's really are special, as many of the mum's on here have demonstrated. I'm sad that I don't have the relationship with my mum I would like, and just catching up on this thread, I've seen that someone has asked what those who don't get on with their mother's would like.

I would like her to be less critical, and interfering. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. I'm sure that she just wants what is best for me, but unfortunately, she can't see that what she thinks is best isn't always the case. I know my mum quite well, and usually when I have something big to tell her, I can guess what her reaction will be - almost word for word. She is a very complex person - she needs to be needed, but needs an incredible amount of support as well. As I grew up (from the age of about 13) she used to confide in me about various things, yet as I became more independent (and therefore more able to support her, rather than needing her) she became more critical that I wasn't behaving how she told me. It's very difficult to put all the complexities of my relationship with her into a forum post, and I know to many it will look like I am a stroppy adult who throws her toys out of the pram about her well-meaning mother. However, she is an incredibly insecure, vindictive, spiteful liar that will do anything to get her own way, regardless of how that affects her children, husband or anyone around her. I can honestly say I have never met anyone more selfish than my mother. As an example, I am 27 years old, and she has told me that I don't have children to spite her as I know she would like to be a grandmother (my younger sister has 2 children, but my mother has a fraught relationship with her too). This clearly isn't the case. I don't have children for a variety of reasons including that I don't feel emotionally or financially ready yet. Yet its a personal affront to my mother. ARGH!!!!!

This is just one example of many, and like Lara, I too am delighted when my mum is happy, but in truth, she isn't happy unless she is complaining about something.

Blue, I really am so pleased that you have sorted things, and wish you all the best for your future relationship with your mum, and your baby. Lolly. x