A question for mothers of adult children please

Gillyx

Me and my mother just do not get on. It's fine in small doses, she came to visit for 5 days last month, and by day 3 I was pulling my own hair out. She is the most selfish person I know, and for what she's done to my dad and sometimes her own parents, it makes my blood boil. Although she is my mum and I still love her because of that.

She's not been too over bearing with the baby, but I'm guessing that's because I've always been told "don't bother bringing any child into my house, as I've done my time" Delightful eh?

snowmaid

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Snowmaid: you have no idea.

About? Will you please enlighten me?

consultant31

Have read all this thread and your final post Blue Monkey has left me with a big soppy smile on my face I'm so glad you and your Mum have got your differences sorted out. Oh, and all the very best for when your little one is born

poet123

As the mother of four (three grown ups who still live at home) my first point would be that "parents are people too" I find that because my lads lived away whist at Uni when they come home the transition is hard, for all of us. The same may well apply to you having lived abroad.

On the one hand you want the convenience of living at home whilst it suits you, and we as parents are generally happy to agree to that, but on the other you expect no interference and autonomy. The two don't sit well together.

I find that kids regress and take on their old, younger, personas when they come back home, cake and eat it scenario in many ways. If they treated their parents as they treated their friends, and had the same expectations it would be easier, but often they don't (and many of my friends with kids back at home say this as well) Parents are expected to be there, and they want to be there, but if you live with them or expect things from them they are entitled to be treated as well as and with the same level of courtesy as you would your friends.

I rarely interfere, but I do nag!because I have to, I like a tidy, clean house and they are not so fussed so we do have tensions there, but I feel that if the same things were being asked by a friend whom they were living with they would get a better reception than I do, as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.

So, I think what I would ask any "child" to ask of themselves (mine have started to do this now!!) is if (insert best friend) had made that comment/request would I have reacted the same way. If the answer is no, because I would feel in danger of looking rude or worse, of them wanting to re consider the friendship, why would you feel that you can react that way to a parent? Because it is safe and you are in no danger of really losing their love? Is that a good enough reason? Is that right? Is it fair?

That said, in many cases mums do interfere and don't know where the line is, particularly when there is a partner involved. When they need to be told, they need to be told, but again, the manner of telling and the intent it carries is crucial, the friends test is a barometer to use, how would you tell a friend you had an issue?

Do it the same way with a parent, they are still just people, with feelings, and yes, they do get it wrong sometimes.

snowmaid

poet123 wrote: »

As the mother of four (three grown ups who still live at home) my first point would be that "parents are people too" I find that because my lads lived away whist at Uni when they come home the transition is hard, for all of us. The same may well apply to you having lived abroad.

On the one hand you want the convenience of living at home whilst it suits you, and we as parents are generally happy to agree to that, but on the other you expect no interference and autonomy. The two don't sit well together.

I find that kids regress and take on their old, younger, personas when they come back home, cake and eat it scenario in many ways. If they treated their parents as they treated their friends, and had the same expectations it would be easier, but often they don't (and many of my friends with kids back at home say this as well) Parents are expected to be there, and they want to be there, but if you live with them or expect things from them they are entitled to be treated as well as and with the same level of courtesy as you would your friends.

I rarely interfere, but I do nag!because I have to, I like a tidy, clean house and they are not so fussed so we do have tensions there, but I feel that if the same things were being asked by a friend whom they were living with they would get a better reception than I do, as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.

So, I think what I would ask any "child" to ask of themselves (mine have started to do this now!!) is if (insert best friend) had made that comment/request would I have reacted the same way. If the answer is no, because I would feel in danger of looking rude or worse, of them wanting to re consider the friendship, why would you feel that you can react that way to a parent? Because it is safe and you are in no danger of really losing their love? Is that a good enough reason? Is that right? Is it fair?

That said, in many cases mums do interfere and don't know where the line is, particularly when there is a partner involved. When they need to be told, they need to be told, but again, the manner of telling and the intent it carries is crucial, the friends test is a barometer to use, how would you tell a friend you had an issue?

Do it the same way with a parent, they are still just people, with feelings, and yes, they do get it wrong sometimes.

Very good - totally agree with you!

downshifted

Gillyx wrote: »

Me and my mother just do not get on. It's fine in small doses, she came to visit for 5 days last month, and by day 3 I was pulling my own hair out. She is the most selfish person I know, and for what she's done to my dad and sometimes her own parents, it makes my blood boil. Although she is my mum and I still love her because of that.

She's not been too over bearing with the baby, but I'm guessing that's because I've always been told "don't bother bringing any child into my house, as I've done my time" Delightful eh?

Visitors are like fish, they allways stink after 3 days.

desert_rose

Most mums do the best they can and many bring up their children under very difficult circumstances yet its a rare adult child who will turn around to their Mother and show any real appreciation or even understanding of the trials and tribulations she has had to deal with - often alone - along the way.

I am constantly amazed at the immaturity of many 20 to 30 year olds. Sometimes, its like talking to a fifteen year old and not a grown up and its very hard for my generation (50 plus) to relate in a meaningful way to a person whose life is filled with themselves and what they want all the time.

Give Mums' a break. They're people too and its time we stopped being blamed for all the ills of society. Very often its nature not nurture that turns people into selfish and self seeking individuals and its not always down to the way they were brought up you know!

Lara44

desert_rose wrote: »

Most mums do the best they can and many bring up their children under very difficult circumstances yet its a rare adult child who will turn around to their Mother and show any real appreciation or even understanding of the trials and tribulations she has had to deal with - often alone - along the way.

It's true that Mums have done a lot for their kids and should be appreciated

But I think this thread brings up the problem of gratitude being used as emotional blackmail. OP's mother things that she now has the 'right' to make whatever comment or criticism she likes and her daughter should just be grateful to be brought up. This isn't fair, surely? The new truce between OP and her Mum has got to illustrate that it takes both sides to be sensitive and caring.

I'm not sure anyone could show any really understanding of parenthood until they are a parent themselves. Your last comment really struck a chord. People change a lot between 20 and 30... how will you get to know them if you don't listen to their stories about their lives?

This thread has been *really* interesting and a good exchange from people of all ages. it has really made me think twice about some of my attitudes.

Blue_Monkey

I found myself looking up this old thread to see how I'd felt about this argument with my mum back at that time... Reason being is that we've had several more arguments with the same tone/theme since then

I'm having a hard time accepting it but she seems to fit lots of the traits of a narcissist I'm realising that I always presumed it was normal in a mother-daughter relationship to have these kinds of spats, but it dawned on me the other day that not a single one of my friends has (or ever has had) these kinds of arguments with their mothers.

She's not speaking to me at the moment as I've managed to upset her again with my tone. Nevermind her ranting and hollering down the phone at me and then hanging up. It's my tone that's offensive.

In the last 18 months since my original post, we've had at least 3 big rows like this. She's very intense when it comes to DD and I realise that it's still all about mum. Everything is about mum. When DD was 36 hours old, I phoned mum and said "please can you bring round some pampers micro nappies as size 1s are too big for DD, you'll need to go to the big supermarket as the smaller ones won't do them". She turned up 10 minutes later with Huggies size 2s. Then when the doctor turned up to do DD's checks (I had her at home) mum barged me out of the way and stood in front of me right over DD and the doctor, as if I wasn't there. Before my wedding last year, on hearing that I'd asked my brother to do a reading, she said "So your dad gets to do a speech, your brother is doing a reading, what about me?" She was doing all the flowers, yet somehow this wasn't enough, and on the actual day, she stayed out of the room for the entire lot of speeches. When we went on honeymoon she was practically in tears saying how much she was going to miss DD (DD came with us) for 3 weeks. I've had guilt trips that she doesn't see DD enough. She's interferred with my brother's relationship to the point where it made it impossible for him and his gf to stay together. She's highlighted things to me about my stepmum that I never would've thought of, but now can't help but notice. There was a huge row at Christmas because we made other plans that didn't include her (in fact EVERY Christmas there has been a palaver from her). She's extremely unpleasant about my stepsister. She's oversensitive, she overreacts, she's self-absorbed. This latest episode has morphed from it's original row (I got fed up with her insisting I take DD to the doctors because she had a cough) to something else (snipping emails saying "I won't be asking you again" when I can't make a lunch she's arranged at the weekend).

Many of her relationships are broken. She's not on speaking terms to several family members or friends. But none of this is particularly new... It's been like this for YEARS. I've always thought she got a particularly hard time of it all, but unfortunately the common factor in all this is her.

The hard part now is that she helps out with DD's childcare. She's due to have DD next week and I need to call her beforehand. I'm dreading it. She knows I need her yet she's making it difficult for me. What I'd really like to say is "I'm not comfortable you having DD when we can't communicate properly" which is true. But that would make hell break loose and take things to another level.

It's also dawned on me that the reason we moved back from Australia was her. Before we went she made a joke about "I'll never forgive you if you have children over there" and the whole time we were there it was "are you staying forever? are you staying forever?" so I am now beginning to admit that we came home because of some underlying obligation and guilt I felt towards her. My poor DH didn't really want to come back, he had better work opportunities there and has struggled work-wise since we've been home. Yet I let my feelings towards my mum take over that situation.

The more I read about narcissists and FOG (fear obligation guilt) the more I can see how this applies to our relationship (me and mum I mean). I'm devastated that there's a label for all this and I'm confused about our past and concerned for our future. I want to let her in but it's apparent it can only be on her terms.

I don't know where we go from here

pigpen

Move back to Oz and live your life how you want and if she doesn't like it.. tough!!

You are an adult you are not under her control or influence unless you allow it.

I have practically been disowned, I think it is because I have a new partner after KH went off with a dirty tramp.. but I don't need her approval. Giving birth to someone does not give you rights of ownership forever.