A question for mothers of adult children please

Lara44

Sorry to hear about that Blue Monkey. I think you are right to go and stay at your Dad's. It sounds much too stressful to be there at the moment. I think your feelings are totally normal.

Lolly - so sad to hear that, it must have been really upsetting for you.

Blue_Monkey

Mum and I had a chat/shout at each other this morning.

Her view is that I consistently treat her as a nuisance, that she just irritates me and she started saying that she feels she's lost a daughter and grandchild because of it. And that because I'm only willing to see her in that light and because I choose not to realise she's just being kind we should stay out of each other's lives.

I tried to explain hat I feel this has blown way out of proportion and that surely there is a happy medium between irritating comments and not being in each others lives, and that is not how I want to proceed, but if she chooses that, then I need to respect that as her choice.

She said that courtesy and kindess go along way for her and that I don't seem able or willing to show those traits to her. She says she feels on tenterhooks around me the whole time and that it was the same when she came to visit us in Oz last year. This actually quite upset me because I have nothing but good memories of their trip and thought we got on really well.

When I said I was going to stay with my dad she thought this was "strategic" and could I not see how much it would hurt her as it's akin to what happened with my brother (he moved out of mum's when he was 15 to go to my dad's as him and mum had had a row). I reminded her that I'd always planned to spend some time there and now seemed as a good a time as any.

She thinks I should learn to see that everything she does is only out of kindness and love and that if I can do that my behaviour will follow. Surely this just gives her free reign (for want of a better phrase) to say or do what she wants regardless of how it feels because the intention - nevermind the end result - was love and kindness....?

I said that I thought this could've all been avoided if we'd both just bitten our tongues. She says that she doesn't think she can do that, that as my mother she does feel that she has the right to pass comment, and that I will understand that in a few months. But then in the next sentence said that I'm all too ready to see her as dominating/interferring.

Now I'm sat her questioning whether I've simply been rude and/or horrible to her since I got home 2 weeks ago. OH would no doubt say this is what she wants me to think....

I feel stuck. I used to feel like this as a kid. On one hand I'm so sad that this has upset her this much yet on the other I feel trapped that our relationship has to be me smiling/agreeing/accepting whatever she says regardless of how it makes me feel, otherwise we get this hoo-hah. It is hard to deal with her when there is a constant "mother knows best" attitude and it does make me roll my eyes on a frequent basis - this just happens to be the one time I've said something to her, to try and set a boundary, and look what happens..................

RAS

I can see why you parents no longer live together, if she approached marriage in the same way.

The stuff about your brother is completely below the belt.

In my experience it was always hard for both parties when I moved back into my mother's house after being away for months/years, because we had both got used to our own ways and because I had changed in the interim and she thought she could behave as she had done years previously and it would be OK. On the other hand, I was not used to having to consider other people in my plans and it took time to get the balance

We had furious spats; I recall banning her from ever touching any of my clothes ever again after she decided to machine wash stuff without permission. She was trying to be helpful but ruined several much loved and costly items. Ditto over all manner of other issues. There were later problems over weddings (not exactly as she wanted), grandchildren, houses and partners.

In the end my sis and I took it is turns, good cop bad cop because neither if us could cope with her all the time.

She knows she can get at you, so I think you need to move out and then try to re-establish a relationship from a bit more distance.

RadoJo

Sorry if you have covered this elsewhere, but I couldn't see it - why is it you are living with you mother at the moment? Is it just because of your return from Oz and needing somewhere until you find a permanent home? Perhaps she sees the fact that she is putting a roof over your head as evidence that you need her more than you might care to admit, and is therefore finding it difficult to reconcile the idea that you need to stay with her with the idea that you can choose what other aspects of her mothering you are prepared to accept.

I'm not saying that she is right to feel like this, but when adult children go back to live with their parents, it's quite common for the relationship to revert to the way it was when they last lived together, usually when the child was a teenager, hungry for independence, and the parent was trying their best to let them make their own way in the world without falling on their face. It does sound as little as though you have reverted to this dynamic, which might explain why she is now having the 'you treat this house like a hotel' feeling: that you are prepared to accept her hospitality but not her input on other matters.
Perhaps you could start to heal the rift if you open up with the things that you do need her for and what you would like her to be involved in rather than a list of things that she does which annoy you. If you could reach out to her and ask for her help with specific aspects of your life, then she might not feel the need to interfere with the areas of your life that you would rather she kept her nose out of - direct her parenting towards somewhere more useful as it were.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks RAS. I'm just feeling a little paranoid now that it's me.

This is now the second incident of this kind. A few years back OH and I were struggling to save some money and mum offered to lend us money for a deposit on a flat. She came to a viewing with us and whilst we were waiting for the agent and my OH and stepdad were faffing around, she said about my OH, "He doesn't appreciate you, you know". By the time the agent turned up I was a sobbing mess. I was so so so heartbroken that she said this about my kind, wonderful, caring, sweet, considerate, doting OH. How could she? And you know what, on very very rare occasions now if OH and I argue, I can hear her saying it again and whilst I've forgiven her for it, I'm not sure I'll ever forget it, and also resent the fact that that seed was sown and whilst I know he does appreciate me, at those silly times during fights, it bubbles under in a maybe-mum-was-right kind of way until I manage to get a grip. At that point I told her I didn't want to borrow the money from her and never will again - it was a loan with conditions - that she was buying the right to say whatever she wanted to. I didn't ever tell her that was why I didn't want the cash, but we did have a row about what she'd said - lo and behold - it was my choice of reaction that was the issue, not the fact that she'd said it. Same story this time too.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this has happened now... I just pray it doesn't happen again over something else, though I think the baby will be a catalyst for another set-to at some point.

I don't want to do this to my children

She is, at least, speaking to me now.

snowmaid

As a daughter, mother and grandmother I am grateful that:

1. I have a mother who clothed, fed, nursed, wiped my behind, schooled me etc.
2. I have a mother who guided me (the best she could) through my teenage years.
3. Who has guided me with her knowledge, skills and experience in showing me how to look after a newborn, how to burp babies, how to deal with colic, nappy rash etc through her experience
4. Who has always been there to take my babies for a night when it became a little too much - so that hubby and I could get much needed sleep.
5. Who has been on hand to babysit, attend school plays, make play costumes, help me bake for my children etc
6. I am grateful for a daughter, who appreciates the knowledge and skills I learnt from my mum, and that I am now able to pass on to her.
7. I am grateful for a daughter who includes me in her life, let's me see my grandchild whenever I want, phones me for advice, even if she doesn't end up using it
8. I am grateful that I am able to babysit, help educate and play with my grandchild.
9. I am grateful that my daughter respects me as her mother (even if I do probably irritate at times!)
10. I am grateful that as a grandmother I can advise her on my grandchild, give her tips where perhaps I, at my age now, can now see where I went wrong with my parenting etc

I am grateful that I come from a close family, where where skills and advice offered is not seen as interference. That we realise noone is an island. Not to say we don't argue, but heck, if someone needs helps, we ask for/offer it.

Marisco

I've never interfered in my kids lives (37 & 42) If advice is asked for I'll give it, but otherwise no. It might help that we all live far away from each other, son down South, me here and daughter in Wales But even when I go to stay, and see/hear something that I don't maybe agree with or would do differently, I keep my mouth shut. I'm a firm believer in letting people make their own mistakes, in their own way. Apart from that, they'd both tell me in no uncertain terms what they thought if I did interfere!!:D

euronorris

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

She thinks I should learn to see that everything she does is only out of kindness and love and that if I can do that my behaviour will follow. Surely this just gives her free reign (for want of a better phrase) to say or do what she wants regardless of how it feels because the intention - nevermind the end result - was love and kindness....?

I said that I thought this could've all been avoided if we'd both just bitten our tongues. She says that she doesn't think she can do that, that as my mother she does feel that she has the right to pass comment, and that I will understand that in a few months. But then in the next sentence said that I'm all too ready to see her as dominating/interferring.

Now I'm sat her questioning whether I've simply been rude and/or horrible to her since I got home 2 weeks ago. OH would no doubt say this is what she wants me to think....

I feel stuck. I used to feel like this as a kid. On one hand I'm so sad that this has upset her this much yet on the other I feel trapped that our relationship has to be me smiling/agreeing/accepting whatever she says regardless of how it makes me feel, otherwise we get this hoo-hah. It is hard to deal with her when there is a constant "mother knows best" attitude and it does make me roll my eyes on a frequent basis - this just happens to be the one time I've said something to her, to try and set a boundary, and look what happens..................

I would say that you can accept that she does things out of kindness, BUT (and it's a HUGE but), she needs to accept that it will not always be received that way and she does NOT have the right to pass comment on your life unless invited. You are an adult, and you make your own choices. She can think whatever she likes about those choices, but she has no right to pass comment on them unless you ask her to.

Just because someone does something out of kindness, it does not make it OK. If it hurts, it hurts! End of. Does she really believe that she is beyond reproach? ie, her opinion is always the best and should always be followed? Has she never made mistakes herself?

I think a lot of mothers go through this, and despite your age, she is having trouble letting go and letting your make your own choices and own mistakes. However, she HAS to let you do that, or she risks your relationship. My own Mother acted in a similar way for a while in my early twenties and it would drive me nuts! It felt like I had to do everything her way, or I'd get a massive guilt trip, or have my things packed into black bags and chucked on the street. But I persevered, refused to back down and she eventually came round and keeps her nose out of things now.

It is difficult for her though. Even now, when she's worried about someone else, she'll call me to talk about it. She knows it's inappropriate now, to tell that person unless asked, but she still feels the need to get it off her chest so she calls me instead. I'm sure she calls one of my siblings when she's worried about me too, which I'm OK with as we're all close and usually know the current situation also. It helps too, cos we can give her a different viewpoint from her own and then she calms down and stops worrying so much.

Do your Mum and brother talk now? Can he perhaps help this time?

If not, I would suggest counselling. If she won't listen to you, and won't back down, suggest counselling together. At the very least, it should show her just how much you value the relationship and want things to work.

Lara44

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

She thinks I should learn to see that everything she does is only out of kindness and love and that if I can do that my behaviour will follow. Surely this just gives her free reign (for want of a better phrase) to say or do what she wants regardless of how it feels because the intention - nevermind the end result - was love and kindness....?

I said that I thought this could've all been avoided if we'd both just bitten our tongues. She says that she doesn't think she can do that, that as my mother she does feel that she has the right to pass comment, and that I will understand that in a few months. But then in the next sentence said that I'm all too ready to see her as dominating/interferring.

I feel stuck. I used to feel like this as a kid. On one hand I'm so sad that this has upset her this much yet on the other I feel trapped that our relationship has to be me smiling/agreeing/accepting whatever she says regardless of how it makes me feel, otherwise we get this hoo-hah. It is hard to deal with her when there is a constant "mother knows best" attitude and it does make me roll my eyes on a frequent basis - this just happens to be the one time I've said something to her, to try and set a boundary, and look what happens..................

I feel like I could have written that word for word about my Mum

I've made bold the two bits that stand out for me. I don't think that motherhood bestows the right to opt out of all relationship boundaries and social conventions! Nor do I think that anyone should have the 'right' to pass comment about any aspect of someone else's life. I just don't see how *anyone* would want to be on the receiving end of this type of behaviour. You are right to object if your Mum's lecturing upsets or offends you. Don't doubt yourself.

snowmaid

Can I ask those on here who are moaning about their mums, what do you expect from your Mum? What do you want from her? What is the level of involvement in your life for her? What is she permitted to do?

And how does your mum help you? Do you ever approach her for help?