A question for mothers of adult children please

Arthurian

You were feeling oppressed, and now is the perfect time to set the boundaries. Not when you are stressed out by lack of sleep with a new baby. I don't think you should backtrack on this good step forward in your relationship. Mum will surely be pleased to be involved in helping you in the future, but will now respect your wishes in how the baby is to be raised.

You should be eating a good diet, though.

wobblymummy

I really think you need to address this now in a kinder way as possible.

My mum died the year before our childrern were born, I doubt she would have been Grandma of the year as she wasnt previously.

I digress, I now have a very clingy MIL. We have tried to involve her with our family at an acceptable level but that is never enough for her, it was constant criticism, spiteful comments, we did everything wrong, or we were snobby because we didnt do this that or the other. Basically we couldnt do anything right unless it involved her, or sitting at her house every other day. We both have full time work and study and two little ones and that option was not possible or attractive and this has led us to cut off contact for the moment because we simply couldnt cope with the hassle.

This is not good news for our children but there really is no middle ground with her, its all or nothing. Some of her other children are happy to live in her pocket and tell her every detail of their life and because we arent, we are the bad guys. There are no boundaries for her.

You really need to address this or it can get out of hand as it has with us, in an assertive but kind way. I would seriously do it now though or you will have a young baby and a problem mother.

Best of luck its not easy (and your not alone !)

Mrs_Arcanum

Good Luck Blue Monkey. Your Mum sounds just like my Mom in Law :eek: Thankfully we are 80 miles and an awful journey away.

Some of her behaviour may be due to you becoming a mother yourself and this can be difficult for some future grandparents. However now is the perfect time for you to ensure the ground rules work for you and not give in to the childish "woe is me" attitude.

Bronnie

I was ready to jump straight in when I saw the title of the thread and then I read the posts ...........

I think a lot depends on the relationship one has had with one's mum over the years as to whether you see her input as unwanted, interfering and overbearing and intensely annoying or else as caring, loving advice because she wants the best for you, but that you can just allow to wash over you if you don't want to follow it!

My DD is 23, working, with a good job, independent and leading a full and socaible life, but still living at home with me (her choice, she could afford to go and flat share if she wanted to).

I have every respect for her as an individual, but I'm still her mum and I do still tell her things for "her own good"! Not all the time, not in a nagging negative way, chewing off her ear , but from time to time, especially things about diet and nutrition, cooking, money and money-saving, advice about her car, etc. Just things I know because I've learned them often the hard way over the years and want to pass on the benefit of my experience to her, the way my mum did to me. (never had any issues with that either, I know she meant well and it was always done in a loving and unselfish way).

I hope as she gets older and her life situations change I will be sensitive to that and our relationship will continue to flourish.

My DD does take on board some of the things I say, because she wants to and I think she realises they make sense. She also will ask my advice on practical matters she's thinking about too, so it's not a one-way process. We live together very harmoniously and both have our own busy lives and have a mutual respect. I think that is what can make the difference between comments being perceived as caring or as interfering.

missindecisive

I understand completely that you are finding your mum a little over-bearing at the moment...this is your time now and a whole new experience for you as you are about to become a parent yourself:j

Id swop places with you in a moment. My mother does'nt want to be involved in the slightest with my children. I crave a grandma figure to be there and cherish them as much as I do. She can't tolerate being in my house for more than 15 minutes, she can't stand the noisy play, the crying, the bouncing, the aggro!!! I no longer ask her to babysit because she does'nt enjoy it.:( My children are just ordinary, normal kids, they are'nt badly behaved. Its nothing to do with my children but it's just something to do with her, and her own up bringing, and the life she had when she was bringing up her own young family, and the fact that she does'nt want to repeat it.
So i would say to you, make it clear what you want from your mum and then get the best from her whilst she is willing to give it.

kettlefish

Wow, it does sound like your mum has got a little too wrapped up in all the excitement and is becoming a bit high maintenance. Of course it's normal to stop needing your parents to such a degree, and to start having a more balanced, adult relationship. I think you should give her a couple of days, and then apologise for snapping and upsetting her, but tell her straight that it is your baby and you will ask for her help and advice if you need it, and would prefer to muddle it out with your partner. She is your mum after all and I'm sure she is wanting to make "friends" as much as your are

I am also pregnant at the moment, and whilst my own mum has been absolutely fantastic and nothing but supportive and understanding, her mum (my granny) has been giving her a hard time about various things - like the fact I've not left work yet! Like your mum, my gran has a tendency to become overbearing, and has a needs-to-be-needed personality type which makes her generous to a fault but tricky when things don't go her way. I guess babies must bring out the worst in these type of people. I hope you and your mum sort things out and remember you can always come here to rant :rotfl:

Blue_Monkey

Thanks everyone.

I know she does mean well and this is now why she's hurt. But it came across as nagging and I don't know why she thought I would respond well to it?

I'm just sad that her reasons for "backing-off" are to shield herself from me so that she can't be cast in 'that' role by me... not because understands that at my age/stage that it's appropriate to step back and that no one, in general, likes to be nagged! I can see how my response has upset her and am happy to acknowlege that, yet I don't think she can/wants to see how her comments might've irritated me.

euronorris

Kay_Peel wrote: »

You can rest assured that you are going through something very normal and sensible. You are forging a new relationship with your mother BEFORE your baby arrives. You are setting boundaries. The fact that your mother isn't grown up enough to respect your needs and wishes (it's all about her!) is a great shame. Personally speaking, I only voice my opinions to my grown up children when I'm asked for them. I keep in contact, take an interest in their in lives, provide them with a listening ear and I'm always there if needed. I rejoice in the fact that they are independent, self-sufficient and balanced.

This is what my Mum is like too, and it works really well. Occasionally, she will ask if we need help with x, y or z, but if we say no, she'll just say 'OK, well you know we are always here if you need us and happy to help.' and leaves it at that.

So, we're happy that she cares and is there when we need her, and she's happy that we know that and will take her up on the offer as and when we need to.

It can be difficult for Mum's though. I know it was hard for my Mum to adjust to me being an adult, as I was the 'baby' of the family, so to speak. We had a tough couple of years where new boundaries were set. She'd spent more of her life looking after kids, than she hadn't, so it's hard to just switch that off and let your kids fend for themselves, adult or not.

pigpen

Every time she says something irritating could you possibly say.. how woud you feel if someone just said that to you? .. see if she cottons on to the fact she is saying to you what she would hate others to say to her..

my mother goes off on a rant about whatever I do that she doesnt like and then says.. oh well noone told me what I cold and couldnt do.. So when i was pregnant with Squeak she asked me about it when I was 17 weeks as i had simply not told her I was pregnant.. and I said to her that I couldnt be bothered with listening to he ranting on about her disapproval, it wasnt like I EVER ask her to have any of the children so she had no right to comment and the rant was always topped off with the old chestnut.. nobody told me what I cold do.. maybe not.. but YOU try telling me.. and I do not want to listen to it ... so she said.. fair enough.. this pregnancy.. I text her the scan pic and while I know she disapproves she hasnt said a word.

I guess it is hard, especially when you are in the same house, she will feel she has just got you back and will have reverted back to her mother role.

Could you tell her you appreciate her concern and that she is willing to help/offer advice but he has to realise as an adult you can choose whether or not to take her advice.. but naging you just upsets you and you dont want to be upset with her. Especially during pregnancy there is so much info being thrown at you some helpful, some contradictory but you have the luxury of choosing what to do yourself.

With my oldest (20) I dont offer any opinion unless asked OR unless it is needed... like when they were not giving the baby food appropriate for his age.. purees at a year old when he needed to be on proper food.. I also offered advice on breastfeeding and dressing him... they had him in a silly little jacket in the snow so he was freezing!! other stuff which affected his wellbeing.. and then when asked help on budgetting/sorting housing and bills etc.. but I guess at 31 you can do most of that already.

heretolearn_2

It can be hard to get the balance right between 'interfering' and 'not caring' and I think her back is up as she got the balance a bit wrong and is now being a bit childish in swinging too far the other way. I can imagine her stamping her foot and saying 'Fine!'.

As you know it's because she cares and isn't just trying to be annoying, can you deflect the things that iritate you in a less confrontational way to allow her to back down without losing face. For example, unless you are eating nothing but chips and cream cakes, your diet is really none of her business. Could you try saying things like 'I'm glad you are looking out for babes, but my diet is fine according to my midwife/doctor'. So making it clear you appreciate her interest, but that you aren't necessarily going to agree with her and for a reason she can't argue with!