A question for mothers of adult children please

lollyb84

Lara44 wrote: »

...I got married recently which brought everything to a head. Like Lolly my Mum didn't want to talk about arrangements expect to object to them, and then told other family members that I was leaving her out. We took on board all her reasonable suggestions, and the others fell by the wayside. To be honest I am more disillusioned than ever, because I feel like my Mum just wasn't there for me when I needed her. I just wanted her to be honestly happy for us, but it was clouded by her own issues and needs. I don't really know where to go next, but I keep contact up by phone (we like a big distance away) because I ultimately want a relationship with my Mum. Where we go from here though, I am not sure.

My mum did this, and it resulted in my grandparents not coming to the wedding because of the way I had behaved towards my mum. This despite me asking her to come dress shopping with me (too far), thoughts on flowers (can't make that weekend got something on, don't like those colours/flowers), and to meet the photographer with us (turned up and said nothing for the full 2 hours!).

To be fair on the day itself, she was fine. Didn't say much but was OK. Haven't spoken to her since though (was end of July) despite calling - she just says hello then puts my dad on.

Sorry for hijacking the thread blue monkey - just needed a vent this morning.

Mojisola

desert_rose wrote: »

this is a huge problem in modern families and its a tough road to navigate..

I think it's less of a problem these days because most people grow up expecting to make their own decisions about their lives. A couple of generations ago, younger family members were expected to take the advice of their seniors.

When your Mum comes round, try to get her talking about how things were in her day. If she felt obliged to do the things her Mum, Grannies and Aunties told her to do, she may be affronted that you're making your own decisions.

On the other hand, if this is typical of her behaviour in general, you will just need to set the boundaries and find ways of making her respect them.

cloudy-day

I was 33 when I has DS, had left home at 18 and yet my mother still INSISTED that she would come and stay for a week the day I came out of hospital!

Happy to see her later (she leaves a good 100 miles away), but we wanted family time first. Tried to explain this nicely but ended up having a massive row - comprimise was she came down after I'd been home a week. Didn't really want her there to be honest, I've been independant since I got my first job at 14, but put up with it for her sake.

Now DS is 14 she couldn't give a t***!! Can barely be bothered to speak to him on the phone. :mad:

I'd say do what you want and let her stew, its your life, your baby and at 31 you are much too old to have to put up with this nonsense.

Gigglepig

Please don't take this the wrong way, I see why you find the comments annoying - but you are quite lucky to have a mum who cares and wants to help you and the baby.

If she makes blunt comments for example about your diet while pregnant - my reaction would depend on whether she is right or not.... Basically I think it is a good thing to have family members who can say stuff without sugar coating things. It needs to be mutual though.

Blue_Monkey

Thanks all, I really appreciate hearing the views from all angles.

I know I shouldn't have snapped at mum's comment, but I did and it did irritate me. It didn't come across as particularly caring - it was a nag and I took it as a criticism, and it wound me up that she thought it was fine to just say anything. I'm seeing it as a bit of a clash, a silly issue that just blew up unecessarily, and would like to move on. The problem now is that this is obviously running far deeper for mum now...

As I was going to bed last night I said "N'night mum". She had her back to me whilst on the computer, and didn't turn around and just said "Go away... Go A-WAY. Don't n'night mum me, as if you care". She then sat there sobbing until she went to bed herself about 30 mins later.

She'd been cold with me earlier in the day, but I thought she was just in the process of coming round after our little spat, but perhaps more to this than I realise... However it's my first week back at work, I'm getting antsy about finding somewhere to live, I've got a lot on and I am now beginning to feel resentful that this has blown up so much and is stressing me out at nearly 6 months pregnant.

I asked her yesterday if we were friends and she said "I don't know" and I tried to be pleasant saying good night and she told me to go away. I might've snipped back at her when I was irritated by her diet comment, but I'm not sure I deserve the sobbing and to be told to go away. I keep welling up today at work thinking about it and I can feel my heart racing. I don't need this now, I don't know what I've really done and I don't know how to fix it because I think she's upset at something bigger than I understand - be that my "fault" or not, I don't know. I am struggling to see how this has become so much about what I've done to her?

After work I'm going to my first hypnobirthing class which I'm looking forward to and will hopefully offer some relaxation. Then I'll sort my stuff out and go and stay at my dad's. I am sad to say that I think mum will take this as another insult, but why should I stay somewhere when she's telling me to "go away". I'll be working from home again tomorrow and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with that when she's so anti me...

Sorry to rant, it does help to offload.

candygirl

Is she menopausal at the moment?Just wondering with the crying etc:(:(

vwelsh13

Is it the first grandchild? I was at the birth of mine and I was so overwhelmed...

Just think in 3o yrs you may be the "meddling mother"

I think she's just excited and worried for you, it will pass.

You're lucky you have one ! I dont

euronorris

candygirl wrote: »

Is she menopausal at the moment?Just wondering with the crying etc:(:(

I was just thinking the same thing.

I also wonder if she's mourning the loss of her childbearing years, IYSWIM. That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it may be the cause of it, and with talking could be resolved.

Is this typical of her behaviour?

Kay_Peel

Oh dear.

You are very patient with your mother. You have made efforts to get her to come around and they have been thrown back in your face. I find it hard to think of a reason why a loving mother would persist in giving her daughter the cold-shoulder and frosty treatment before telling her to go away and stay away.

Actually I can think of one scenario - if I thought that my daughter was harming herself and her baby through abuse of drugs and drink, it would kill me. I would feel frustrated and powerless and so angry. You don't sound like a heroin addict or an alcoholic - but your mother has been worried about your eating habits. Perhaps in her day she went by the maxim of 'eating for two' and doesn't appreciate the new approach to healthy eating in pregnancy?

I think you'd both benefit from a break and a bit of space. Try not to make a big deal of it. Tell her that you are going for 2 days and that you'll be back on whatever day it is. You can always ring her up and extend it - but at least it won't be seen as retaliation and a closing of doors.

Your continued good health and wellbeing is very important. You know this. Take a break for your own and your baby's sake.

Blue_Monkey

This is all fairly typical... I've been living in Australia for the past 18 months and guess I kind of forgot how things could instantly blow up.

I think she's been through the menopause and come out the other side now, I know she found that hard.

I do hope things will sort themselves soon, I hate this animosity, but at the same time am starting to resent the fact that it's been blown way out of proportion. I can accept that snapping hurt her feelings and I am sorry for that, why can't she see it from my side and accept that commenting irritated me and be sorry in the same way. Simple case of winding each other up in my mind, it happens, people gripe each other, but somehow this has turned into something bigger.