A question for mothers of adult children please

Treevo

poet123 wrote: »

I doubt you would find that as the definition.

Of course not but that's not how the lexicon works. If it was we'd never have people referring to others as 'idiots', 'retards', 'psychos' etc without the subjects having a diagnosis. The language evolves and so as long as you understand the meaning, it doesn't really matter if the definition doesn't match entirely.

ognum

I have read this thread through and I have to say there is a lot I don't understand.

OP your mother is clearly a difficult person for you and others to deal with but reading through your posts I can't help feeling that you are scared of her. You appear scared of how she will react and what she will say or do.

I truly cannot understand why you are allowing your mother to care for your child, despite the fact your child cannot speak she can understand and pick up emotions from you and your mother.

Whatever your financial situation IMO you should remove the child from her care on a regular basis and get another form of emotionally stable child are, you owe this to your child.

Then allow short term visits to your mother at times you feel she is stable. You mother needs to understand you are adult, in charge of your child and can and will walk away if her personality becomes too dominant.

Please do this for your child and for future children you have, at the moment you are encouraging a cycle that you were bought up in, it's not good for your child.

SuzieSue

ognum wrote: »

Please do this for your child and for future children you have, at the moment you are encouraging a cycle that you were bought up in, it's not good for your child.

If your mother is as needy as my mother, then she will try to make your child like her more than she likes you and feel jealous of your relationship with your child.

poet123

Treevo wrote: »

Of course not but that's not how the lexicon works. If it was we'd never have people referring to others as 'idiots', 'retards', 'psychos' etc without the subjects having a diagnosis. The language evolves and so as long as you understand the meaning, it doesn't really matter if the definition doesn't match entirely.

My point was that it is very easy to bandy words about and label someone when the reality is/can be somewhat different.

I think a lot of people refer to their mother (or whoever) as Narcissistic when really they either just don't get along, they can't see things from the same angle, or they are both very alike and so they clash. It is much easier to see the failings in others than to see our own, even if they are a mirror image.

Lara44

Is that so bad if it helps people to figure out how they are going to manage their relationships better?

Advice like establishing and maintaining boundaries can be helpful to lots of ills.

poet123

Lara44 wrote: »

Is that so bad if it helps people to figure out how they are going to manage their relationships better?

Advice like establishing and maintaining boundaries can be helpful to lots of ills.

Well, it is "bad" if it is untrue. Would you like the label if you simply had an offspring you didn't always agree with, or they with you?

I am playing Devil's Advocate here because I had a good relationship with my mother despite her displaying some of the traits mentioned on here. With my own children I have guarded against it, but have still no doubt made mistakes. I don't believe labels of this nature are helpful or always true.

Blue_Monkey

At the moment, I have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She can be loving and kind and gentle and sweet. She's very good with children in general. I want DD to have a relationship with all of her grandparents, and I'd like my mum to experience the joy being a grandmother too. I cannot deny either of them this.

I will not let tension or animosity happen whilst DD is there, which is why I'll be ringing mum over the weekend - to ensure the air is clear.

She's not that bad - she rants and raves and fails to put herself in anyone's shoes, she's a martyr and most stuff is all about her. But she's not cruel or wicked. Just every now and again it all flares up and I struggle with how to handle it.

No, I'm not scared of her, just wary of her ability to overreact.

Blue_Monkey

Poet - if I don't really know if she is a narc. I am sure she has some of the traits, but who I am I to determine whethr that makes her a narc. What I do know is that she doesn't see any boundaries between me and her. I have always felt that she has commanded respect without either giving it or always deserving or earning it. Respect, in my view, is a two way thing. In her view it is one-way.

Believe me, I do not want to give my own mum a label. I love her, and would love to have an easy relationship with her. But more and more it feels in order to do that, I need to disregard my own time, my plans, my opinions, my ways of doing things and do what she wants me to say or do.

I suspect she'd say the same thing, but I am desperately trying to put myself in her shoes and now transfer that back to how I'll behave in the future. I don't feel wounded by that, I take it on board and try to consider that for our future interactions.

What I get back from her is "Well, I'm not allowed to talk about XYZ - look what happened last time" or "you've made it clear you don't need me or want my opinions unless asked".

There are plenty of other people who clash. They deal with it, get over it, don't take it personally and move on. My dad is very stubborn, we get into heated debates about lots of things, but we accept we have different opinions and talk about something else. It really is that simple.

No one else I know has this level of conflict with anyone on a regular basis.

ognum

In your very first post on Page 1 you describe your mother as overbearing and self absorbed.

if you were choosing a childminder for you child and this is what the reference said would you agree to leave your child with her for long periods.

I am sorry if this seems harsh but it seems that after either telling the truth or maybe over exaggerating your mothers faults you have decided to step back and say she is now 'not that bad'

No one has suggested she shouldn't have a relationship with your child, but simply that relationship should be short periods and accession ally supervised.

however it seems because you want/need to use her for your child care she has become now 'not to bad' and you are unconcerned about the behaviour that you were previously concerned about.

Well OP of course it is your choice, your child, your mother.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

Thank you JoJo, I appreciate your perspective, but there are few things I want to add context too - below in red.

Thanks. The bedroom scene you described was my mother, rather than me - usually at about 3am, she'd explode into the room - but she'd stamp on me as well as everything else. Broken feet were more appealing than merely broken toys.


What can I say? It's easy for people to seize upon one bit because they see similarities with their own mothers - the narcissistic parent nametag is thrown around a lot online, but there is very little mention of offspring having the traits - and for the number of parents to be described thus, there had to be an equal number of children like it, more even, as not all would have children.


I would rather look at giving people the benefit of the doubt first, rather than instantly jumping to the 'oh, that's [insert phrase of choice here], I had the same' reaction. I've suggested things that might mean things were different to how you first presented them, then you've explained some more.



But yes, I do agree that yours sounds vain and silly, fond of always being the centre of attention and tempted to stamp her feet and shout when she doesn't get her own way. But Narcissistic? I don't know. Is she capable of love? Or does she have contempt for everybody? I don't think a true narcissist is able to care for anyone, whether animal, baby or adult. Although that might be me confusing narcissism with being a well disguised sociopath.


Anyhow, I don't use the phrase narcissistic about mine - anything about spring flowers is far too gentle imagery to be applied to her - batshit crazy, violent, malevolent, abusive old b!tch is far more accurate.


In those cases, it's more of a tantrum management policy. If she kicks off, you can hang up. If she starts picking, spoiling for a fight, don't bite. If she makes complaint about putting herself out for you, 'that's OK, if it's a problem for you, I'll make alternative arrangements', said lightly, breezily.

No need to escalate things - it denies them the satisfaction of a proper row, for a start.


You haven't been back for a huge length of time. Maybe she'll improve, maybe she'll get worse, but rather than declaring the death knell that attaching the narcissistic tag does for any relationship, perhaps try and see if she can be handled better before possibly deciding, like I did 'Nah. I'm not doing this anymore'.



Hope it all works out for you.