Would you marry someone who's in +£80K Debt??

BKAT_9

OP I think you are being very brave admitting what many think in these situations. I think it is a misinterpretation for others to throw back 'if you loved him it wouldnt matter', there is a difference between saying you are unsure because he is poor and you are unsure because of his financial liability. Yuo clearly not 'in it for the money', you merely want to ensure the financial situation doesnt ruin you both including your kids. I think it is to be applauded that you are putting your childrens future before you immediate happiness!

I do not think I would marry the fella (surely you cant afford to me married at present...what with him paying back all that money?!!;))

I would also not enter into something unless he looked like he had it all under control and managing his finances. There is nothing more destructive in a relationship than money issues!

Whatever you decide GOOD LUCK!

abbecer

As already posted I would want to know how that much debt had racked up and if extreme efforts were being made to clear it. I couldn't marry someone if I felt they were reckless with money.

patman99

One thing wasn't mentioned, whether he was a sole trader or a limited company. If he was trading as a limited company, then it would explain why he has not made any attempt to pay-off the debt and is waiting for HMRC to start BR proceedings against the company. In this case, unless it can be proven that he took an excessive salary in the final year, he will personally owe nothing.

If on the other hand, he was a sole trader, then the debt is all his and in the OP's shoes I would only agree to marry him if he took control of said debt and cleared-off half of it first.

Btw OP, how old are his children?. When they hit 16 he should no longer be paying for them, this will free-up money to plough into the debt.

pleasedelete

[QUOTE=patman99;46700723

Btw OP, how old are his children?. When they hit 16 he should no longer be paying for them, this will free-up money to plough into the debt.[/QUOTE]



A child is for life not for Christmas! You don't stop contributing when they hit 16 if you are a responsible loving parent.

I would RUN a mile from any man who wanted to stop contributing to his children 'when they hit 16'

MasterPoo

patman99 wrote: »

One thing wasn't mentioned, whether he was a sole trader or a limited company. If he was trading as a limited company, then it would explain why he has not made any attempt to pay-off the debt and is waiting for HMRC to start BR proceedings against the company. In this case, unless it can be proven that he took an excessive salary in the final year, he will personally owe nothing.

If on the other hand, he was a sole trader, then the debt is all his and in the OP's shoes I would only agree to marry him if he took control of said debt and cleared-off half of it first.

Btw OP, how old are his children?. When they hit 16 he should no longer be paying for them, this will free-up money to plough into the debt.

Patman Ive never asked for the details, so I can't answer that question! I will discuss all of this with him once Ive got a clear direction myself.

with regards to his children's ages (10 and 7), some of the values we do share are being commited, loving, caring parents and I encourage him to contribute to his children's upbringing both physically and material! With kids its a TILL DEATH DO US PART type of relationship as far as Im concerned!

CFC

MasterPoo wrote: »

Hi,

From the title I sound like a shallow individual right?? I'm trying not to be, afterall, "everyone" has debt, but do I REALLY want to marry someone with THAT much debt???:eek: I'm now thinking I DO NOT want to marry them! Do I love them, Yes!

Reason for this post is, how do I ensure I am not saddled with this debt??? Im researching signing a pre-nup to protect myself and my assets (Im not rich just have a mortgage, and some savings etc., not much but I've worked hard to acquire the things I have AND I have to protect my 2 children) any other advice will be most welcome!

No, I wouldn't marry them. Not till that debt is sorted out. Not even if there was a really good reason for the debt. Would still love them, wouldn't consider marrying them.

savingholmes

Good advice from RAS as ever

elsiepac

pleasedelete wrote: »

A child is for life not for Christmas! You don't stop contributing when they hit 16 if you are a responsible loving parent.

I would RUN a mile from any man who wanted to stop contributing to his children 'when they hit 16'

Absolutely see your point but I think it's interesting that this is from a point of view of a divorced parent paying 'maintenance' (or whatever the right term is).

My parents are still together now and I'm 27. I had various part time jobs from when I was 11 (paper round) up to waitressing and so on.

I stopped getting any kinf of allowance or pocket money when I was 15, and from 16 I paid rent to my parents.

I see nothing wrong with this as it taught me to be self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet, not to rely on others for money.

But I just think it's an interesting point that if my parents had been divorced and (presumably) my dad paying maintenance or something, that I would have been receiving money from them that I wouldn't otherwise have got!

Sorry - that's a bit garbled, I just found it quite intriguing! :cool:

OP - by the way, I think you're doing the right thing and being very sensible, and also, take on board everything RAS is saying - invaluable advice.

LC x

quantic

I would love to think that love would defy all else, but in reality I can see this causing major issues for you and your future.

bargainbetty

Love is wonderful, beautiful and makes the world go round. With that and 20p, you'll be able to make a phone call.

I'm sorry, but my first priority would be my children, and the grown up would need to prove he was taking responsibility for himself and his debts before I did anything that may link our financial lives. Having debts doesn't make you a bad person, but failing to face up to them, deal with them or take responsibility for your actions does make a bad person to get financially hooked up with. I would not expect anyone to pay my debts, nor would I wish to subsidise someone while they paid theirs.

Love does not always 'find a way'. How many people on here have been left holding the empty sack when their partners started on the 'I can't get credit, would you co-sign for me' routine? Forum members are always the first to say 'hey, lots if us fell for it, suck it up and move on'. The OP may avoid that further down the line by asking the questions now.

OP, I wish you luck, love and happiness - they are all in your own hands x