Would you marry someone who's in +£80K Debt??

elsiepac

deepintrouble wrote: »

Wow - what a lot of prejudices we all have!

I honestly expected less judgement and more sympathy and honest advice from a place like this.

Interesting, I thought people were being incredibly sympathetic. Alright, you get the odd couple, but still overall I thought there were good reactions to the OPs question. People are being sensible and trying to give measured advice based on the small amount of information that was present. Many state that at the end of the day it would be down to the OPs personal choice, which is valid.

deepintrouble wrote: »

Does having debt mean you are a "bad" person - no

Does having debt mean you are immoral, or not to be trusted - no

Does moving in together/getting married mean you are somehow responsible for your husband/wife to be's debt - DEFINATELY NOT!

Agreed (as I'm sure most people would) on all above points.

deepintrouble wrote: »

My wife knows all about my debts, they were incurred before we met and were the result of issues with my previous wife and the house we had together. I have approx £60k of debt and am trying my hardest to pay it off. I may do it, if circumstances change I may have to go bankrupt.

Does this make me a bad husband?

Does this mean that I am looking to saddle my wife with my debt?

Does this mean I am a bad father to our baby?

As our dear bard said, therein lies the rub!

You situation sounds very different to the OP's OH. You are trying very hard to pay off your debt, which was incurred through no fault of your own. But the OP has already added a post which says the debt is due to a failed business. He now works, but - crucially - has no plans to pay it off. This is the part that is ringing alarm bells. And also what differentiates the OP's OH from someone like yourself, who is actively looking to reduce/pay off the outstanding debt.

And of course, NO to all your questions!

deepintrouble wrote: »

It seems to me that the OP is looking for an excuse not to get married, especiually if she can't make up her own mind and has to ask anonymous forum dwellers for advice?

This is a particularly harsh comment, especially after you went to the trouble of pointing out "what a lot of prejudices we all have" in your opening statement! It seems to me she is merely trying to garner opinion from other like-minded people about the situation - it's not a trivial matter and could end up affecting her seriously down the line if he isn't looking to pay off anytime soon. I think she's merely being sensible and it's not unreasonable for anyone to be cautious when entering into a marriage that has that much (non-reducing) debt attached to one half of it.

LC

moneysaymoneydo

Nothing shallow about it actually very sensible and no i wouldnt be marrying him anything could happen to you and your hard earned house and valuables you have worked hard for would go to him instead of your kids and pay his debts, no way live in sin!

aliasojo

elsiepac wrote: »

Interesting, I thought people were being incredibly sympathetic. Alright, you get the odd couple, but still overall I thought there were good reactions to the OPs question. People are being sensible and trying to give measured advice based on the small amount of information that was present. Many state that at the end of the day it would be down to the OPs personal choice, which is valid.


You situation sounds very different to the OP's OH. You are trying very hard to pay off your debt, which was incurred through no fault of your own. But the OP has already added a post which says the debt is due to a failed business. He now works, but - crucially - has no plans to pay it off. This is the part that is ringing alarm bells. And also what differentiates the OP's OH from someone like yourself, who is actively looking to reduce/pay off the outstanding debt.



This is a particularly harsh comment, especially after you went to the trouble of pointing out "what a lot of prejudices we all have" in your opening statement! It seems to me she is merely trying to garner opinion from other like-minded people about the situation - it's not a trivial matter and could end up affecting her seriously down the line if he isn't looking to pay off anytime soon. I think she's merely being sensible and it's not unreasonable for anyone to be cautious when entering into a marriage that has that much (non-reducing) debt attached to one half of it.

LC

:T:T:T

Huge difference between OP's situation and deepintrouble's. Sorry deep but I think you've replied from an emotional pov because it's something that affects you, rather than a balanced pov that only considers what the OP wrote.

moneysaymoneydo

Deepintrouble - i agree somewhat no it doesnt make you a bad dad but yes there has to be repercussions on your family for your past ie you dont have so much money to spend on wife and baby so there are for both sides to the arguement!

timbstoke

skintandscared wrote: »

Love is not linked to money. I would marry someone if I loved them. But if they had that amount of debt I would ensure I was NEVER financially linked to them. I'm with someone who couldn't work for 4 years and yes, we've struggled. But that's just brought us closer.

You're right, love isn't linked to money. There's absolutely no sense in creating a legal relationship which could see you being chased for £80K debt. A prenup won't mean a thing until you get a divorce. While you're married, marital assets are fair game.

debtinfo

Hi deep in trouble, no one here is being judgemental no one is saying that people with debt are bad people, just that they are in a particular situation that needs to be taken into account. Consider this.

They get married and he moves in and starts sharing the bills. He makes every effort to pay his debts but after 5 years he simply cannot and has to go bankrupt. Now because they are married, living together and share bills the trustee may have a claim on the property which could end up with a forced sale and the op and her children being homeless. Now this is of course only one option in many that could happen but the op is right to be considering the possibilities.

Remember when you strip back all the romanticism marriage is essentially a contract

Ilona

No, I wouldn't even get romantically involved with them in the first place. Someone with a large debt might be a nice person, and I would have them as a friend, as for anything else, no thanks.
Ilona

lobbyludd

-and a contract where you don't see the small-print so you don't exactly know what obligations you are signing up for. Courts have wide lattitude in divorce (and 30-50% of marriages end in divorce) to re-apportion the assets and debt to each of the divorcing spouces to put them on an equal footing going forward. Where there isn't a surplus of money, the "needs" of both parties trumps contributions, who spent the money, prenups, everything.

lobby (recently divorced!)

[Deleted User]

not a cat in hells chance. Two people go into marriage to provide a stable and safe nest (home) for the family. Going in with a large debt takes the foundation of stability away and also shows a great deal of irresponsible behaviour. A leopard does not change his spots, run a mile op

Hermia

deepintrouble wrote: »

Wow - what a lot of prejudices we all have!

I honestly expected less judgement and more sympathy and honest advice from a place like this.

I think people are being sympathetic and honest. I haven't seen any messages from people saying the OP's partner is a dreadful, evil person. They are just all saying be careful. I have seen too many friends and family end up in trouble because of their partner's debts to risk it.

If I had £80k of debt and a partner who had a house and a good credit record I would not blame him one bit for being concerned about getting married.