My son is 4 weeks off being 18 and he says

victory

His gf seems to want to do it to help him and no it is not helping him, it does not help his laziness, his education, his independence of being able to do it, his future, his gf just wants him to get on, so do I in a way without his gf it could have been worse if that is possible:D

sashadesade

Will he be studying the same subject as his gf at uni? If not then she's not going to be able to help him and he'll probably find himself overwhelmed. If they will be studying the same subject I hope for both their sakes she doesn't help him write essays because universities are very strict about plagarism these days - my uni runs essays through a program to detect similarities in students work - and inevitably their work would end up being suspiciously similar if largely penned by the same person. I'm sure her intentions are good, but things like this are taken very seriously and could result in them both being kicked out of uni.

Caroline_a

I'm a great believer in the old 'horse to water' thing. Yes, we all want our children to do brilliantly, but we cannot do it for them, and if we have to force them to sit down and work, etc etc it will fall flat at some point. Only he can make the decision to go or not to go to uni, by working hard enough to get in... or not.

Dare I say it, if you are crying with disappointment and he sees it then you are putting pressure on him by making him feel guilty. He may not be bothered, and if that is so then no crying or wringing of hands will make a difference to whether he works or not.

Of course, he may have to come to realise that if his gf goes to uni, she will leave him behind, and that may be that. Again, he will have to deal with that himself. What we have to do as parents is to be there when they fail - in their eyes, not ours - as well as to celebrate when they succeed. University isn't the B all and end all..

victory

No gf is studying completely different subject. He is not here to see the tears, he stayed with his gf, he has not seen us discuss it all night, he never came home to discuss it.
He has already said if gf goes to uni he will be left behind and that will be that, he pretty much knows that will happen as she really wants to advance.

Gf intentions are good but somewhat destructive.

gonzo127

in regards to my schooling i am your son just 10 years later (didn’t have the same issue of laziness as i had to fund myself from a very early age and so was doing a paper round from 11, due to mum and dad being quite poor)

school was a nothingness to me, didn’t want to know, didn’t care, would do 'just' enough to get to the next stage, bad results did not faze me, i would just 'put the effort in next year' but never did and i even managed to get into Uni.

Unfortunately, although i loved Uni life, i still could not be bothered with the course and ended up dropping out, with no qualifications so to speak of C and 2 D's at A level and no degree

anyways, met my now wife, and moved in with her and her Kids, and got a full time job, and have since moved onwards and upwards within the job (6 promotions in 8 years) and am currently trying to push for another move up the chain.

What have i realised - i am just not suited to traditional studying.

Give me real life and i am flourishing, currently i am a information analyst so work with lots of numbers and information, so i am not stuck in a (typically expected) dead end factory/fast food job, i have trained on the job and in addition to my job (so long as it is related to my job), and i am now also a accounting technician (work closely with our finance department) and am also looking into doing a management qualification as i am starting to manage staff.

Really as much as politicians wish to push comprehensive education for all, the fact is, there will be quite a lot of people who are just not suited to that type of education,

Nimeth

I don't know if you're on good speaking terms with the gf victory? If you are, perhaps a girly shopping trip or go out for coffee and have a word that while you want your son to do well for himself, if he's going to succeed he needs to do the work himself. Of course she means well by helping him in the short term but in the long term, he may expect her or you to bail him out when it all goes pear shaped. Something of that sort anyway.

Take it from me, bailing him out now is only going to lay the foundations for him to expect either her or you to do so in the future and that does get wearing after the first couple of times. I've spent the past 8 years watching my eldest SiL make mistake after mistake and get bailed out time and time again only for her to go and make the same mistakes all over again because she hasn't learned the consequences of her mistakes. If that means that your son fails in his ambitions to go to uni, well he's learned a valuable lesson that if you want it, you have to work for it.

victory

Thanks, taking the gf out seems like a good idea, we had a chat, son and I today on his flying visit and he is convinced that over all including his studies next year he will be fine, he cannot or will not see that if he took a back seat this year, next year is going to be overwhelming and he should have made it easier for himself by applying his intelligence to it all this year.

He is adamant it will work itself out and he did not pass, it will just take the next year to even itself out.

Caroline_a

Victory, one of the things I have learnt from getting 3 kids to adulthood is that you need to let them make their own mistakes. Lots of times, particularly since my girls got older than 16 they would do something, or make a choice, and I would offer advice, only to be told no we want to do it this way. Now I keep my mouth shut! I may not agree with some of the things that they do, but the mistakes now are there for them to make - and learn from them. You will not do yourself any good by despairing if your son doesnt seem to be doing any work to get himself into uni - if he doesnt get in, he's going to have to make some more choices... and as they are his choices to make, you won't do yourself any favours by advising him!

If I were you, I would sit back, be there if he needs you, offer advice, but allow him to make his own mind up. You never know, backing off might just surprise him enough to get his act together!

victory

I go on and on like a mother:rotfl::rotfl: I can see the mistakes, wish for him more but that is all you can do at the end of the day, hope he sees sense and moves on to better things, he is his own man now he keeps telling me and so let him be:D

Caroline_a

how did the birthday go, Victory?