his wedding, my son is barely invited.

LolaLemon

make_me_wise wrote: »

Why will your son realise what I have highlighted above. His dad does wants him at the party. He asked you to pick him up at 7pm so he could be included in everything. I think it would be very unfair to your son for him to think his dad doesn't want him at the party, when that really isn't the case.

Okay so due to commitments and financial constraints it is not possible for you to do this. However there is only so much he can do to help you out considering this it is his wedding day. Staying overnight could be tricky as he wouldn't really be able to crash in his dad and the new wifes room. They are entitled to a wedding night aren't they. Who else at the wedding could look after him overnight? Have you asked if this is a possibility?

Are there no friends or family of yours who could collect your son at 7pm so that he can enjoy the whole wedding as his dad wished? I would avoid at all cost letting the little boy think his dad does not want him at the whole event. Telling him that could be very destructive to his self-esteem.

I would never tell son that his dad does not want him, ever. He will figure that out on his own no doubt.
In scotland, the meal doesn't finish till around 7, normally just before, the party starts as soon as meal finished and tables rearranged.

LolaLemon

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

that's the magic words!!! drinking time = there and back before the first pint's been pulled.

Lol I can't see the original post that suggests I ask a drinker to take me, as nice of a suggestion as it is, and I do get on with them, but they are drinkers, proper drinkers, in the pub every day, I doubt that their blood alcohol levels ever go under the legal limits. I do wish I had a 'normal' job or at least worked in a pub that wasn't surviving due to the borderline alcoholics.


I am a little tempted to ask the new guy if he would do it, but he doesn't always finish early, normally still working til 9 n 10pm. Plus, they have only met twice, so is a bit unfair on them both.

Valli

MrsE wrote: »

Lola, you can't force him to see his son & you can't force him to pick him up & drop him off at a time to suit you. I know that won't be what you want to hear, but its a fact.

My DDs father was much the same - worse actually.

The balls in your court, either you be difficult & he will see less or none of your son OR you be accommodating & your son will have some relationship with him.

One day your son will see it for what it is & make his own mind up about things.

Mrs E is spot on here. Your son is 4 - if YOU want him to have any kind of relationship with his father (and his paternal family) then YOU will have to make sure that there is one. If you don't, your son won't know his 'other family at all. Because your son's father has his own, nice little life - and the 'stepmother' is clearly not going to bend over backwards to have a relationship with your boy. Your ex-partner has a new son now - he can easily let the relationship with a little boy with whom he has NEVER had a 24/7 relationship fall by the wayside. Chances are your son's father never properly bonded with his son.

somethingsgottogive

I'm really shocked that people think the OP's being unreasonable by getting upset at her child's father blatantly favouring his 'new' son over his firstborn son!? Yes it's 'their day' but how does that affect their ability to arrange other family members to watch the older boy the same as they're watching the younger? How he can justify telling a little child that he's going to be a major part of the wedding and them shoving him out of the picture when a shiny new son comes along is beyond me - surely they could have had TWO pageboys?

Also, the OP is expected to miss out on a nights wage and was asked to fork out money for a 60 mile trip - I think it's disgusting. The Father should have either arranged to accommodate the boy for the WHOLE day, let the OP know a LOT sooner so she could have arranged to swap shifts/plan for her parents to step in while she was at work or simply not invite him

cheepskate_2

LolaLemon wrote: »

My car is not suitable for motorway driving, It is a really old car, that does 6 miles a day when at uni, during the summer, it dies 6 miles a week.
.

If your car is that bad then maybe you should not have your child in it.

How does your car know it is motorway driving, it must be a lot more intelligent than mine.

It doesn't matter whether it is 6 miles each day- either its roadworthy or not.

It seems from your posts you are being a bit aqwuard. Let him go and see him at 3 .

The only way your son will know if he has missed out is by you saying.

djdido2

Daughter is 15 at the end of this month. Lola, I can understand exactly where you are coming from with this. Classic carbon copy of how my daughter has been treated from being 2 years old by her dad and the step mum who has/have managed to leave her out of everything, to the point where she now flatly refuses to visit. Dad has obviously gone along with the wife from day one and has never ever committed any time to Daughter. She was not even invited to their wedding and I remember how devastated I felt at the time that my daughter was left out.

Daughter has clearly been treated differently to his other kids and I am not joking when I say that this has affected her very badly to the point of seeing a counsellor/mentor etc. I have done everything in my power to make her feel wanted but she cannot take the rejection from her dad and the step mum.

Please, please try and establish some sort of definite, routine or contact and if this is no longer possible I would do what someone else said and let Dad do all the running.

Others wont understand but I could cry reading your OP, as what started when she was two has now evolved into my daughter having serious mental health issues as to why her Dad only lives a few miles down the road but can only slot her in for an hour or two a week (and lots of cancelling in between with petty excuses). She doesn't have the time of day for him now.

People are making excuses for the Dad as it is his big day, but he is his Dad and he should have sorted this ages ago.

Please feel free to PM anytime, I can relate to this big time.

x

Valli

what's underlying all this, somethings, is that the father of this child doesn't really HAVE a 'relationship' with this boy. Because IF he did he would want him to BE part of the day, and the family.

Mind you I know someone who found our HER dad had remarried AFTER the event - and this was a teenage girl whose father had left the family home following an affair (with the woman he later married).
There are some fathers who turn their backs on their children without a moment's thought. Of course there are some mothers who do that, too.

thorsoak

LolaLemon wrote: »

Sorry I use my moviles and have lost a few posts so far, so will try and include what I had.

The weekend of the wedding is the same as our local holiday weekend, I have already tried to see if anyone can take on my shift, leaving me with 8 hours at minimum wage, under £48 for the week.(sons diet means I pay £11 per week just on milk for the week!) It's a small staffed pub. One is away to turkey, the rest are heading to caravan parks and blackpool, the only other 2 are working, one does the day shift Friday n Saturday, the other works all day Sunday. I can't even swap with them as I have no child care available those days.
I'm not sure if the manager will be about, he normally only stays til I get their then generally heads home.

I have never said I would not take a holiday for the night, their just isn't holiday time available.

A few have mentioned cutting sons losses at this age. That is not my choice to make. Either he will stop picking son up, or son will decide to stop himself. I just have to make sure that what is lacking from that side, he gets from me. Thankfully, my son is a happy well rounded child most of the time. Their has bn a few things where I have worried (the spots being one thing).

Oh, I haven't refered to son as HE, HE has been in reference to sons dad.

My son hasn't made any issue of this yet, as I nor his dad have mentioned it to him, but they did tell son he was going to the party and he can dance with the best man's wee girl, who apparently fancies son, think she is 4 as well.

For heaven's sake!!! They are babies of 4 years old!

Reverb, I'm unsure where u are getting that both us parents refer to son as HE? I'm pretty sure that sons dad doesn't even know this forum exists, let alone be posting in this forum.

I live approx 30 miles away, on train that is 1 hour on the fast train. To drive takes an hour as long as I miss the traffic, get stuck in traffic at one point and it takes a further 20-30 mins to get past, and the junction needed is beyond that point.
My car is not suitable for motorway driving, It is a really old car, that does 6 miles a day when at uni, during the summer, it dies 6 miles a week.

I can't remember what else I was going to say/respond to, other than thank you to everyone who has given advice. I will be speaking with him tomorrow to see what can be done.

{... Goes off, shaking head, wondering whether the world really is going to hell in a handbag! }

Jewel_2

I have a 12 year old who was once 4 (of course!) This was the age she was when we split. He was utterly carp at making arrangements and put me last, thus putting his daughter last too. I bent over backwards, listening to eveyone saying "its best for the child etc etc. I fitted in with him entirely. She's now 12 and although sometimes things are awkward still, I've decided I will do what I want and what is best for my child, without listening to others.

To be honest, if you want my opinion, your child should come FIRST in his Dad's eyes. He should go out of his way to make it right for his son, you have absolutely and categorically no responsibility for this. If his father cannot do this one small thing on the organisation front, then to be honest it will be like that all the time.

I told my ex recently that I regret bending over backwards to make things right and do you know why? Because my daughter started copying me, bending over backwards to make things right for him, and this wasn't fair on her. I have stated that I will no longer do this.

It becomes clear eventually, after years. You always ensure you are there and make sure your son is put first, he should do the same.

I now don't care now what any of his family think, at all, and it's given me a new lease of life. Don't feel guilty. Just tell him you can't do it and let him sort out the mess.

I spent too long listening to other people's advice about what was best for my child. Now I jsut make my own decisions, knowing that she comes first. And my now husband, who also did all the running around to make things right, is having a well deserved break.

Good luck xx

newcook

thorsoak wrote: »

{... Goes off, shaking head, wondering whether the world really is going to hell in a handbag! }

hahaha!! dont knock young love! I still remember my first 'boyfriend' when I was 4 - he lived across the road from me, was in the same class at nursery etc but what really sealed the deal of him being my boyfriend was that his birthday was the same day as mine!!