his wedding, my son is barely invited.

3v3

Hi again Lola

In a number of your posts you refer to Uni; yet, uni terms do not begin until the end of September and you inferred the wedding takes place before then - can't help wondering what the point of mentioning it was (unless it is to play the "woe is me card"?)

I suggested in an earlier post that, as a Uni student, if you are struggling financially, the Student Union may be of assistance to you (but you have not commented on that positive suggestion).

Many MSE members have given you frank advice, yet you are choosing to battle with them; it does leave the impression that, unless someone agrees with you, their opinion is not actually welcome?

Now, regarding your work: I get that the staff will be short and therefore you could not ask for a day off. The question begs to be asked, how would they cope if you were striken with a tummy bug on that day? In my day when the children were ill, you couldn't get away with asking for time off due to child ill health (and no child care facility will take them under those circumstances anyway!) and you had to resort to playing the "I'm ill" card - of course, you couldn't abuse that, or you would be sacked (back in the day when society wasn't so generous towards working parents ) *Your* priority is not your job, or your uni (that is what sebaticals are for!), it is your son!!

Now, to be most frank, it is just tough titty that your son's father is getting married on your son's access date. Originally, his father was happy to stick to the pre-arranged agreement of 7pm; it is *you* that caused a fuss about this. In response, he gave an alternative - *you* are not happy with that either! Sorry, but I think you are being pinickerty and bl%dy minded for the sake of it! Forget adding in your Uni commitments (it's not term time! And, even if it were, you are more than happy to skip a late lecture to attend work, so you don't value it highly enough in that regard anyway, making your Uni argument null and void). Work wise, yes, I do understand staff shortages and pre-planned time off, but, having endured the work place and childcare cover for 3 young children of my own (and at a time when "benefits" were nothing more than a token) if you are struggling to arrange emergency cover for an occasion you have been pre-informed about ... well, to be honest ... how do you envisage coping if you wake up one night to your son having a Grand Mal and necessitates a good number of hours in A&E? How will you hope to cope if, there is a hurricane wiping out half your neighbourhood for a 120mile radius and you are duty bound to turn up for work, but all childcare options are no longer open?

Putting it into perspective: this is a pre-arranged event; you have plenty of notice. The "arrangements" altered, not because of the wedding per se, but because you say your car is unreliable (a car you really shouldn't be transporting your child in at all if it is that unreliable!). Your "sperm donor" has included his child in the arrangements up until the time his access arrangement are at an end and thus he becomes, once more, your responsibility. You didn't like it, made a fuss - BINGO! - he alters it .... and now you are still not happy and blaming ex for a situation of your own making.

So much easier to blame the "sperm donor" for the inconvenience (and negate your own part); so much easier to have a go at MSE members who have taken their personal time, trouble and offered their advice, then to accept, on the chin, your own responsibilities! So much easier to claim Uni/work pressures (even though it is not term time!) than to face up to the facts: *you* chose to have a child; *you* choose to undertake a Uni degree; *you* choose not to accept ex's original options due to *your* choice of vehicle. Heaven help you when something *not* of your choosing throws a spanner in the works!!! Oh, wait! It has!!! At least in this scenario, you have a months notice to sort something out

STOCKWIRE

vlevans wrote: »

After reading your posts it seems to come easy to you to be judgemental and nasty when you're a faceless name on an internet forum. I wonder if you'd the same if you was talking to these people face to face?
I very much doubt it.

Yes I would and if more people did perhaps we would not have nine year olds out on the street looting and wrecking our city centres. We give more respect to our animals in this country than we do to our children !.

STOCKWIRE

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

That would mean leaving the house though....which I suspect doesn't happen very often.

I have no problem there and you might not agree with my opinions but I can happily tell you I have raised a family and am very proud of the resulting "adults" and what they have achieved. Perhaps you can say the same ? .

3v3

STOCKWIRE wrote: »

Yes I would and if more people did perhaps we would not have nine year olds out on the street looting and wrecking our city centres. We give more respect to our animals in this country than we do to our children !.

Sadly, there is an element of truth in that statement (animals vs children) which has brooked many a debate in recent times

vlevans

STOCKWIRE wrote: »

Yes I would and if more people did perhaps we would not have nine year olds out on the street looting and wrecking our city centres. We give more respect to our animals in this country than we do to our children !.

I'm not going to even bother getting into a debate with you about the riots and the thugs and hood rats that took part because quite frankly that has nothing to do with the thread and what the OP started the thread for.

I simply made an observation after reading your comments in this thread and others you have contributed to.

Bubby

I have read this thread in amazement:eek:, I am sure that the majority of people posting against the op have never been a pwc. If you leave your children (or in the op's case are not in a relationship) then the responsibility in maintaining your relationship with your children is yours and yours alone. The op is not his mother and has no obligation to this man!

By doing all the running for the nrp it just allows him to put in as little effort as possible. He knew in advance the contact arrangements he also knew of his wedding date therefore he could have swapped days or made alternative childcare arrangements for his son to enable him to be there.

I won't even go into the way he has left your son out and made him feel second best that is quite frankly disgusting and cruel:mad:

Zoetoes

From the first post I was going to say can you not phone is sick or something as a one off? I know it's not ideal but it would be to get your little boy to be a part of this wedding.

But then I read the next post which said his more recently born child is a page boy and yours/his son isn't, you just don't do that, and how the hell is this 4 year old little boy going to feel when he's there watching his half brother having the outfit and playing his part??

If it was me, I would speak to the father and say you are willing to pick him up later on, will cancel your arrangements just to make sure your son can be there, (although I thought suggestion of him staying with the grandparents was a good idea, why the family havne't sorted this between themselves I don't know, he is the groom's son after all!) but could he be as much involved as the other child as at 4 years old he will notice and he will be upset.

If he's not going to be a part of the day as much as the other child then personally I think you should cut your losses and not let him go, it sounds like the father/son 'relationship' will fizzle out soon anyway.

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

Hi again Lola

of the wedding per se, but because you say your car is unreliable (a car you really shouldn't be transporting your child in at all if it is that unreliable!).

So much easier to blame the "sperm donor" for the inconvenience (and negate your own part); so much easier to have a go at MSE members who have taken their personal time, trouble and offered their advice, then to accept, on the chin, your own responsibilities! So much easier to claim Uni/work pressures (even though it is not term time!) than to face up to the facts: *you* chose to have a child; *you* choose to undertake a Uni degree; *you* choose not to accept ex's original options due to *your* choice of vehicle. Heaven help you when something *not* of your choosing throws a spanner in the works!!! Oh, wait! It has!!! At least in this scenario, you have a months notice to sort something out

You were making a fair point until you got toward the end of your post. Should the OP go and get finance on a brand new car?? She is probably living within her means, maybe she already has high mileage or it is an old car, she hasn't said it is unsafe and it probably wouldn't be her choice of vehicle if money wasn't an issue.

Also, she chose to have a child, correct, and so did he so he should be including him as much as the other child and making arrangements for him to be there as much as the other child, someone must be looking after the younger one.

scheming_gypsy

Zoetoes wrote: »

You were making a fair point until you got toward the end of your post. Should the OP go and get finance on a brand new car?? She is probably living within her means, maybe she already has high mileage or it is an old car, she hasn't said it is unsafe and it probably wouldn't be her choice of vehicle if money wasn't an issue.

.

ah come on.. you've been a member here long enough to know that you're not allowed to use common sense.
The OP said that her car isn't reliable enough for a 'long' trip so that has to mean it's a complete death trap, no ifs or buts

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

From the first post I was going to say can you not phone is sick or something as a one off? I know it's not ideal but it would be to get your little boy to be a part of this wedding.

But then I read the next post which said his more recently born child is a page boy and yours/his son isn't, you just don't do that, and how the hell is this 4 year old little boy going to feel when he's there watching his half brother having the outfit and playing his part? ...

While I do get your point (son vs newer son - or is it our son vs her stepson?) I disagree. Of course "you do that"!
I do feel, being realistic, that from the marrying couples point of view, the presence of *their* son, as pageboy, would (by human nature) take presidence over a child from the previous relationship of just the one of them? And, to be fair, is that really, truly, unreasonable? After all, it would be the younger child's *parents* getting married to one another? Unfortunate, perhaps: devasting news? Not really, more ... *understandable* if anything.

If the 4yo is not old enough to understand the complexities, why would he be old enough to discriminate the complexities of emotion of watching a "half brother" playing his part? Four year olds (in my experience, at least) are so self centred, the "outer" world mysteries do not come in to play. Now, if he were 14yo, that would put another slant on things and, of course, would be a different ball game! But, that is not the scenario here.

Put the boot on the other foot: you have a child to a man and the relationship breaks down (for whatever reason). The man meets someone else, has a child together and then decide to cement the relationship by marrying. Who is your preferred choice of pageboy? The child you share together as a couple (who will benefit from the affirmation of the marriage?) or, the child who is being, predominantly, brought by an "outsider" of the "family" unit?

Human nature is such that the obvious answer (all emotion to one side) would be that the joint child would be the pageboy, and the "half" child would be there (included) but not in the most prominent position?

Who knows? In 20yrs time, the OP's son may well think: yeah, absolutely it should have been *their* son as page boy! Equally, in 10 yrs time, the OP's 14yo son might reflect bitterly, angrily, jealously! Who can tell? Certianly not at 4yrs old; and much will depend on how the primary carer (Mum!) handles it

Easy to give armchair answers ... until, you are faced with that dilema ... and, even easier when the consequences are only really felt 10-20yrs down the line