his wedding, my son is barely invited.

LolaLemon

Need a little help or just advice or even a talking to lol

My sons sperm donor is getting married next month, abt 2 weeks back, he asked me to pick son up from venue at 7pm, I said I can't as I am working, plus my car isn't that reliable for a 60+ mile round trip. He went in a huff, saying that no one can take him home, as 'everyone is staying at the hotel.
This week I got a text telling me of the plans for son, and the date of the wedding.
He is to be picked up at 11 and will get dropped off at 3pm.
I am absolutely livid on my sons behalf. He is not invited for the meal, nor for the party.
Yet his 2 nieces are invited, some of his friends kids are invited their son is going to be their. AND THEY ARE ALL STAYING OVER!

Apart from how upset for my son I am, I'm in a quandary as the wedding is on the day that my son normally goes to theirs, from 3pm when he finishes work, till 7pm.
I will be at uni then straight to work. I can't afford the extra child care, I can barely afford what I have to pay now.

I don't know how to broach this with him, then an argument with her, as they will see it as me being jealous, which is most definitely not the case, but I am in 2 minds on letting him go (I will, I just don't see the point from my sons point of view, a wedding is abt the party afterwards not the boring church bit, he is only 4)
I also know that I will be made to look the bad one in all this, that I am not letting son go all day for x, y & z reason, as they have tried to do at previous stuff, that they don't even invite son to, I hear about it through his family and friends making comments, like son missed a great Christmas party, such a shame he wasn't able to make it, and I then explain that the party want mentioned to us, etc etc....

I am soo rambling here, but really don't know what to do abt the time from 3-7, or how disappointed son is going to be when he realises his dad doesn't want him at the party, which he has been going on about since the royal wedding, when a group of friends had a party for the kids.

whitewing

In this situation, I would acknowledge that his dad has him there for the official photos and the service, which I think is very important.

I would pick him up after uni.

I say this as a former single parent of a now-teenager. When my son was your son's age, I would have probably had the same arguments as you.

LolaLemon

I can't pick him up, we stay an hour away from my uni, my work is really good that I should start at 5 (cutting out last lecture on that day to make sure I get the 4 o'clock train) but know that trains are not always on time, I work 2 mins from a train station, and manager works til I arrive so other person can go home.
The wedding is over an hours drive away in opposite direction.

whitewing

Sorry misread the op. I thought you went to uni after work.

Even though the wedding is a long way away, you could pick your son up after work? Take someone with you for the trip. Only as a one-off because it is a wedding. They should have sorted this out long ago, and I would be annoyed in your position but it really is exceptional circumstances.

gravitytolls

Just ask why the boy can't stay over at the hotel with everyone else? Doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Surely his folks will be there, so your boy can have some quality time with his GP's as well, while the newly weds have their wedding night.

LolaLemon

It's been 2 years in the planning, at first son was to be 'the star of the show' and be the page boy, stay over at hotel with them... etc... in the mean time, they had a son and a few weeks ago he was supposed to pick son up for his all day access (once a month) and said he would be late, as him and the boys where going to get kilts fitted, I said would it not be best if son went then too, and he said son won't wearing a kilt, I asked what he us to wear then and he said 'whatever u put on him' whilst their nearly 1 year old is page boy. Fair enough, their wedding, but to be soo blatant with how different he treats them , is a bit of a shock, even coming from him.
I work in a pub, and don't finish til 1.30am.
We have had same arrangement on days and times (that he chose & I have tried to increase due to son asking to go their more, but they refuse) since he went to solicitors to get more access, but actually asked for and got less.

Really don't understand why they picked day they have son, if they don't really want him there.

whitewing

I doubt the little boy himself is the issue, I expect it is dealing with you that makes the situation uncomfortable. I don't mean that nastily or personally.

Could you leave work early and pick him up? Or get someone else to pick him up from the party later? Or offer to pick him up from the hotel at 10am or something? Or take the night off and pick him up from the party at 9pm?

I would have felt rattled if my ex had married, and I definitely didn't want him. Just be careful not to screen out for evidence that dad doesn't love his little boy. I am sure he does but there will be a lot of logistics to get over. I still say that you have to treat it as a once-in-a-lifetime special circumstance and therefore try to support it rather than hinder. This is part of the choosing your battles wisely.

LolaLemon

gravitytolls wrote: »

Just ask why the boy can't stay over at the hotel with everyone else? Doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Surely his folks will be there, so your boy can have some quality time with his GP's as well, while the newly weds have their wedding night.

It will be down to money and responsibility.
Son has allergies and started staying 1 night a month, it lasted abt 7 months, (when their son was 3 months old.) As they wouldn't change their washing powder and son came out in hives. She told me that she wasn't taking responsibility for my son when in their house. Son now is only allowed to be at grandparents house, its where they take him , grandparents aren't that interested either. Only for show. I used to turn up with son at their house and tell them to just call and they can see son when ever they wanted, nothing. Then I would get told that they where telling people that I wouldn't let them see son even when they begged.(really sad people the lot of them, soo glad I got out of that relationship when I did, b4 I found out I was pregnant )

They owe maintenance money from last year, owe more from few years ago. This is from the couple who don't pay rent, go on 4 holidays a year, festivals, weekends away and are out 3 nites a week, yet won't pay £5 for better washing powder for son, or some sun cream, or even a pair of shoes, or a t-shirt once in a while, so doubt they will want to pay for him to stay, and make sure the food doesn't have milk in it, as he's allergic to that too.

PlayingHardball

Hiya, if you are looking for others opinions, I'll give you mine...hope you don't mind. I personally wouldn't bother, nor put myself out to encourage son/father relationship. Your ex has obviously moved on, and many men seem only too capable of turning their backs on children from 1st relationships when they move on into another relationship/children, as in my ex's case (albeit, our child was 14 at the time), very painful for her indeed as she had been used to a 'doting dad'.

Don't do what i did, race back and forth to airports to get daughter to spend time with Dad, I soon realised he wasn't even putting any effort in himself when on the last occaision she wasn't allowed to board the plane as he didn't read the find print. (she was 15 but not allowed to fly unaccompanied). That is only one example of what I did to help him maintain contact. And like you, I could certainly not afford to put myself out in petrol or time off work, etc. (but I did!)

Your son is only 4, I think you should shield him from the obvious 'disinterest' that your ex is displaying in him in every way possible. (I don't mean restrict visits, I abhor PWC's who do that). What I mean is, don't bother pushing it (him staying overnight, being the page/boy, etc) Just let things happen, your ex has made himself quite clear. Leave him and his new life 'to it'.

Hopefully you'll meet someone else and your little boy will grow up in a loving family, as often happens.

The one thing I would do though, is make sure you receive every penny of child support that you are entitled to for your son. Just because your ex doesn't want a very active part in your son's life, doesn't negate his financial responsibilities!

Good luck...move on

shiprob195

My ex (NRP) has contact with my boys one day/ night a week. He moved out of the family home to the other side of the city. He took the family car (fair enough, i couldn't afford to run it anyway)....he collects the kids and returns than the next day. He complains about the distance/ petrol costs (its only a 10 mile round trip)...but he chose to leave and move to that side of the city.

As I understood it, it is the NRP responsibility to collect/ return them to the PWC. Perhaps he could arrange for your son to be driven to your house at the end of the evening party.

13Kent

Can I ask why it is the NRP's responsibility to collect/return a child to the PWC?

Maybe the wedding timings are subject to whoever is available to pick up your son and drop him off, as I imagine the father won't be able to so maybe he's relying on someone else to do him a favour to pick his son up as you can't drop him off or pick him up, and therefore has to fit in with the timings of the person that can pick the child up for him.

When my OH and I got married we did not tell the PWC or his children. We arranged the wedding for a weekend when we would be having the children, they played a full part in the wedding being bridesmaid and ring bearer, but they knew nothing about it until my husband picked them up and they arrived at our house the evening before the ceremony. The reason for this was that the PWC had a history of being obstructive and making access difficult for us and we were worried that if she knew she would find some way to spoil the day by making the access arrangements awkward, or saying the children couldn't be with us until the Saturday, or saying she needed them back earlier than normal or some such thing. It was a logistical nightmare for us to include the children, and we couldn't have done it without our friends and family who were happy to look after them and bring them to the ceremony, and have them in their room for the wedding night instead of them being in our room, but we wouldn't have wanted to get married without them being there, and a lovely time was had by all.

Special family events are not easy for any parents that are separated and I think sometimes the adults involved have to put their needs and feelings aside and make allowances for the children even when it is difficult.