his wedding, my son is barely invited.

3v3

LolaLemon wrote: »

... This week I got a text telling me of the plans for son, and the date of the wedding.
He is to be picked up at 11 and will get dropped off at 3pm.
I am absolutely livid on my sons behalf. He is not invited for the meal, nor for the party.
...
Apart from how upset for my son I am, I'm in a quandary as the wedding is on the day that my son normally goes to theirs, from 3pm when he finishes work, till 7pm.
...
but I am in 2 minds on letting him go (I will, I just don't see the point from my sons point of view, a wedding is abt the party afterwards not the boring church bit, he is only 4) ....

Seems to me he altered the time to 3pm because his original plan of 7pm wasn't acceptable to you? If 3pm is the only time he is able to have son dropped off (which means someone else from the wedding will also be inconvenienced) then it is hardly your X's fault that your son won't be able to attend the meal or party (which the person kind enough to offer to drop-off at 3pm will presumably also miss the meal?)

LolaLemon wrote: »

...
Really don't understand why they picked day they have son, if they don't really want him there.

But, they clearly do want him there; they simply cannot have him there overnight (because it's there wedding night?) and as you are unable to collect him at 7pm, they have arranged for someone to drop your son off at a time where your son gets to share "the moment", so not totally excluded.

whitewing wrote: »

I doubt the little boy himself is the issue, I expect it is dealing with you that makes the situation uncomfortable. I don't mean that nastily or personally.
.....
I still say that you have to treat it as a once-in-a-lifetime special circumstance and therefore try to support it rather than hinder...

Agree.

13Kent wrote: »

.....
Special family events are not easy for any parents that are separated and I think sometimes the adults involved have to put their needs and feelings aside and make allowances for the children even when it is difficult.

Totally agree.

A thought to bear in mind too: you refer to his Dad as "sperm donor", yet, your son does have access to his father (maybe not ideal, or your ideal) but many children do not.

I am often surprised how readily parents speak about the child's "other parent" in such derogatory terms: children pick up on this - even if the parent doesn't say it in earshot, children do pick up on the vibes one parent has towards another. At some point, children make the connection that they are made up of half one parent and half the other and when the begin to notice that (according to one parent) the other parent isn't particularly nice (for whatever reason) they can turn that inwards and wonder if they themselves are not nice.

Sometimes, it helps to "put the boot on the other foot"

Just a thought though ... when does your Uni term start? I thought it wasn't until end Sept? If you are struggling financially to make ends meet, have a chat with your Student Union, they have emergency funds you can apply for and as a single parent, I think that would put you in a priority position (you'll need to provide bank statements and fill out forms).

I really hope you find a solution (you did say earlier that you would be letting him go so you must have some idea how you'll achieve that).

Blue_Horizon

A friend of mine got married recently and his ex-wife took the teenage children away on holiday. There flight arrived back in the early hours of his wedding day. When challenged she said they needed a holiday and he should thank her for getting them back on time. Thankfully they made it and stayed for the whole day.

It think it just goes to show that it's difficult for some to move on and while time helps, the temptation to have a go and correct a perceived wrong is sometimes too great.

LolaL - not sure this has any bearing on your situation, except to hope that you both work this out and your son gets to see his dad on a special day.

robpw2

can you not book a room for your son at the hotel... maybe its me but perhaps the reason they want him picking up is because you said you couldn't do 7pm and they feel he would be unaccompined during the party and the meal etc , you do not mention how old your son.
Is there not a chance you could book the day off so that you can take your son to the wedding ..

3v3

robpw2 wrote: »

....you do not mention how old your son.
..

She said he's 4yo

LolaLemon wrote: »

.... he is only 4 .

robpw2

3v3 wrote: »

She said he's 4yo

well in that case no wonder they do not want him at the party , he will be ruinning amok with no-one to supervise

3v3

robpw2 wrote: »

well in that case no wonder they do not want him at the party , he will be ruinning amok with no-one to supervise

:rotfl:

........................................

PlayingHardball

Hi Kent, I'm happy that your wedding day was so nice, you said that it was very important to your husband to have his children there and you both went to great lengths to ensure they took full part in the entire event,stayed over, enjoyed your parties, etc. I can't imagine getting married and not wanting that. Quite different from what Lola has described for her child though, isn't it?

Poor lola, I know she sounds bitter (comments like 'sperm-donor', etc). But I can understand her feelings towards the ex who doesn't sound 'bothered' about the son attending what would be the most special day of his life, (2/3 hours in attendance + a 60 mile round trip is hardly being 'bothered') As Lola said herself, there will be grandparents there, and surely close friends of the groom that would be only too glad to take little boy under their wing for the day and night....if the groom wanted his little boy there, that is.

I think what I read from Lolas message is she is 'hurt' for her son.

I get that. I've experienced it too. And yes, us 'Mum's are rather protective towards our children. We are Mums, afterall.

My suggestions to Lola were simply to move on, Dad doesn't sound bothered, and I wish her all the best in doing that.

LolaLemon

robpw2 wrote: »

can you not book a room for your son at the hotel... maybe its me but perhaps the reason they want him picking up is because you said you couldn't do 7pm and they feel he would be unaccompined during the party and the meal etc , you do not mention how old your son.
Is there not a chance you could book the day off so that you can take your son to the wedding ..

Book a room for him? On his own at the age of 4? No thanks, the security aspect of that does not appeal one bit.
I can't book the day off work, as I really need the money. Me missing one shift, means I only earn around £48 for that week.

So what about their son, do u think he would be left unaccompanied during the meal and party, or is this just reserved for my son?

Mupette

rather than take it out on us... look at your options.

First off it is obvious you do not get on well with your ex and his family, fair enough...

But what would be better is to stop scoring points at each other, he may be the 'sperm doner' but you were happy to oblige at the time..
(yes i know it's never your fault)


You should be looking at ways to work togther, Your son is 4, give it 10 years he may decide he doesn't want to see his dad anymore, or worse he may decide he doesn't want to live with you.


Calmly talk to the father explain your problem of uni and work..
you don't talk about your own family, any parents or siblings or friends that might be able to help with childcare, who normally looks after your son when you are at uni or work?

I've been there seen it done it got the tshirt etc, so i know how difficult it can be, unfortunately PWC has to make sacrifices.. that's how it is, the absent parent sometimes doesnt know or care.. its life get over it..

Your child is not part of the game. Stop playing games, and yes not just you your ex should stop too, but he won't whilst you are still playing it too

LolaLemon

13Kent wrote: »

Can I ask why it is the NRP's responsibility to collect/return a child to the PWC?

Maybe the wedding timings are subject to whoever is available to pick up your son and drop him off, as I imagine the father won't be able to so maybe he's relying on someone else to do him a favour to pick his son up as you can't drop him off or pick him up, and therefore has to fit in with the timings of the person that can pick the child up for him.


Special family events are not easy for any parents that are separated and I think sometimes the adults involved have to put their needs and feelings aside and make allowances for the children even when it is difficult.

I understand what u mean with the tidings, but these tidings do not fit in with son. Who are they dropping him off to? Where are they dropping him off? Are they just going to abandon my son in the street?
The reason it is 3 is, it is after the service, as most services here are normally half 1 or 2 o'clock. So son will miss out on the family pictures, outside pictures, etc etc. The meal won't start until after 5 closer to 6.

I have no feeling abt this wedding, when they got engaged, I actually thought it might make him grow up a bit, maybe take more of an interest in his son.
The last family event they had invited son to was sons brothers christening, my son was soo excited for weeks before, the week before, he stayed at theirs and had the worst reaction I have seen from him. His face broke out in hives and blisters (from the washing powder, has bn confirmed via hospital) they picked up son as normal the next week, only kept him an hour, as they where worried that a skin allergy will pass to their son. My sin was to stay the following night so they would get him ready for christening the next day. The called the next day and told me that son was not to go to christening, I made him tell son this, as son was crying down the fone, he tells him, u can't come as u are spotty and u don't want to hurt ur brother do u?. My son still 5 months later, asks me if the tiny teen spot he's found on his cheek means he can't go see his brother. What 4 year old should be looking in the mirror to see if they are spotty or not?