his wedding, my son is barely invited.

Jewel_2

Nicki wrote: »

Your son is invited to the wedding. He has been invited from 11 am in the morning until 7pm in the evening which is a very sensible period of time for a 4 year old IMO.

The reason why your son is only going to spend a minimal amount of time at the wedding and be left out of the wedding photographs is because YOU are unable or unwilling to be flexible on your ex's wedding day to facilitate your son's attendance. That is your choice but you can't really blame your ex for this, nor is it reasonable to treat his wedding day as a normal access day and expect him to stick to the same pick up and drop off times. If Christmas day or his birthday fell on a normal access day would you be happy for the ex to insist on normal access arrangements preventing you spending time with him?

You need to accept that the fault for excluding the child from this wedding lies AT LEAST equally with you, then if you still care about it, work to find a solution so the child doesn't miss out.

My daughter came with me and my husband on our honeymoon. My daughter was a bridesmaid. My daughter sat on the top table with us. My daughter came first when I organised my wedding - should I have been reliant on my ex? Or because I'm a mother, rather than a father, am I just expected to do these things?

There is no reason why a father cannot do this. All he needs to do is put his son first, tell his new wife to be that's what he is doing, and if people can't accept it, tough.

My husband knew from day one that my daughter was top of the list when it came to responsibility. For some reason absent parents think they have a right to 'move on' and no longer put their chidlren first.

Jewel_2

STOCKWIRE wrote: »

Yeh, that's right !, Show no respect for the child and use him as a pawn,
Just to pi** someone off !.

No, the thing is, you have to see what is meant here. Basically the new wife is being protected from the child by the father. I bet the father is doing exactly what the new wife wants him to do, and getting the child to fit in, and blaming the ex wife in the process.

You just don't get it do you?

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

While I do get your point (son vs newer son - or is it our son vs her stepson?) I disagree. Of course "you do that"!
I do feel, being realistic, that from the marrying couples point of view, the presence of *their* son, as pageboy, would (by human nature) take presidence over a child from the previous relationship of just the one of them? And, to be fair, is that really, truly, unreasonable? After all, it would be the younger child's *parents* getting married to one another? Unfortunate, perhaps: devasting news? Not really, more ... *understandable* if anything.

If the 4yo is not old enough to understand the complexities, why would he be old enough to discriminate the complexities of emotion of watching a "half brother" playing his part? Four year olds (in my experience, at least) are so self centred, the "outer" world mysteries do not come in to play. Now, if he were 14yo, that would put another slant on things and, of course, would be a different ball game! But, that is not the scenario here.

Put the boot on the other foot: you have a child to a man and the relationship breaks down (for whatever reason). The man meets someone else, has a child together and then decide to cement the relationship by marrying. Who is your preferred choice of pageboy? The child you share together as a couple (who will benefit from the affirmation of the marriage?) or, the child who is being, predominantly, brought by an "outsider" of the "family" unit?

Human nature is such that the obvious answer (all emotion to one side) would be that the joint child would be the pageboy, and the "half" child would be there (included) but not in the most prominent position?

Who knows? In 20yrs time, the OP's son may well think: yeah, absolutely it should have been *their* son as page boy! Equally, in 10 yrs time, the OP's 14yo son might reflect bitterly, angrily, jealously! Who can tell? Certianly not at 4yrs old; and much will depend on how the primary carer (Mum!) handles it

Easy to give armchair answers ... until, you are faced with that dilema ... and, even easier when the consequences are only really felt 10-20yrs down the line

I'm sorry to be so blunt, I am always accepting of others views but I really feel that what you've just posted is an absolute pile of sh!te.

I have 2 kids and have split from the dad, if I was to meet someone new and have another child and then go on to marry the new partner, would I just have the new child as page boy/bridesmaid because he/she is the 'joint' child? No, and neither would any other decent parent. And if he had children then they would also be page boys/bridesmaids.

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

You were making a fair point until you got toward the end of your post. Should the OP go and get finance on a brand new car?? She is probably living within her means, maybe she already has high mileage or it is an old car, she hasn't said it is unsafe and it probably wouldn't be her choice of vehicle if money wasn't an issue.

Also, she chose to have a child, correct, and so did he so he should be including him as much as the other child and making arrangements for him to be there as much as the other child, someone must be looking after the younger one.

Did I say she had to get "a brand new car"? I think not In fact, I offered her financial advice if her finances were stretched to the limit The OP did question that it was up to a 60 mile round journey. Therefore, if it is questionable of a 60 mile round trip, and the OP (for example ) used the vehicle for an average of 5 miles per day, would indicate that it has a (questionable) lifespan of 12days. These are not my comments based on thin air, this is how the OP described the situation. Now, if I believed my vehicle would be dubious on a 60 mile trip/12 days @ 5 miles ... I would not be transporting my children in it!!!

I disagree that a male has an "equal" choice in whether a child is born or not. It is not a level playing field and you ignore the intricacies of the matter in your sweeping statement. I shall remind you of the OP's comment, and highlight the pertinent part:

LolaLemon wrote: »

..... soo glad I got out of that relationship when I did, b4 I found out I was pregnant....

As for the inclusion of the child/ren in the ceremony, do please read my previous post The younger one is the joint responsibility of the marrying couple It *does* make a difference

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

I'm sorry to be so blunt, I am always accepting of others views but I really feel that what you've just posted is an absolute pile of sh!te.

I have 2 kids and have split from the dad, if I was to meet someone new and have another child and then go on to marry the new partner, would I just have the new child as page boy/bridesmaid because he/she is the 'joint' child? No, and neither would any other decent parent. And if he had children then they would also be page boys/bridesmaids.

Sh!te is a matter of perspective.

Do, please, read the circumstances of the OP and her X. Unlike yourself, she does not have 2 previous children; in fact, the relationship ended *before* she knew she was pregnant!

Unlike yourself, I have read the OP's words and not made sweeping generalisations, but have taken her words as written. You describe a different scenario.

Please do not preach to me what a "decent" parent is This thread is neither about you, or me. The fact remains, it is oh so easy to point the finger at a *not* good parent ... there remains less empirical evidence on what a "good" parent is: the reason being? The answer lies in the future By that I mean, we may *think* we're being a "decent parent" - but we'll never *really* know until our own children are parents themselves and we watch our grandchildren evolve! How old are you grandchildren? (Just out of interest?)

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

Did I say she had to get "a brand new car"? I think not In fact, I offered her financial advice if her finances were stretched to the limit The OP did question that it was up to a 60 mile round journey. Therefore, if it is questionable of a 60 mile round trip, and the OP (for example ) used the vehicle for an average of 5 miles per day, would indicate that it has a (questionable) lifespan of 12days. These are not my comments based on thin air, this is how the OP described the situation. Now, if I believed my vehicle would be dubious on a 60 mile trip/12 days @ 5 miles ... I would not be transporting my children in it!!!

I disagree that a male has an "equal" choice in whether a child is born or not. It is not a level playing field and you ignore the intricacies of the matter in your sweeping statement. I shall remind you of the OP's comment, and highlight the pertinent part:


As for the inclusion of the child/ren in the ceremony, do please read my previous post The younger one is the joint responsibility of the marrying couple It *does* make a difference

Perhaps the OP's car is on high mileage as I suggested before, and she is trying to keep travel to a minimum so as to keep the car as long as possible due to financial difficulties. My car has quite high mileage and I was asked as part of my volunteering to drive about 50 miles one day and said I wouldn't be doing it again as I am trying to hang on to the car as long as possible as I cannot afford to replace it in the near future. This does not mean my car is not roadworthy or is unsafe and is about to burst into flames

Whether or not the OP and the father split before the baby was born is not relevant to being a parent

Correct, the younger child is the joint responsibilty of the marrying couple, however the 4 year old is the responsibilty of the groom just as much as the newer child, I still do not see your point and I wonder if anybody else does :cool:

And as I said in my previous post, if I met and had a child with someone I then went on to marry I would have all 3 children equally included in the wedding

I think I've made my point

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

Sh!te is a matter of perspective.

Do, please, read the circumstances of the OP and her X. Unlike yourself, she does not have 2 previous children; in fact, the relationship ended *before* she knew she was pregnant!

Unlike yourself, I have read the OP's words and not made sweeping generalisations, but have taken her words as written. You describe a different scenario.

Please do not preach to me what a "decent" parent is This thread is neither about you, or me. The fact remains, it is oh so easy to point the finger at a *not* good parent ... there remains less empirical evidence on what a "good" parent is: the reason being? The answer lies in the future By that I mean, we may *think* we're being a "decent parent" - but we'll never *really* know until our own children are parents themselves and we watch our grandchildren evolve! How old are you grandchildren? (Just out of interest?)

No, but the father does, I think you see my point now.

I do not have grandchildren yet, although I cannot see the relevance. And if I did not have children, my view would still be the same, you do not favour one child over another regardless of which mother/father you're with.

Zoetoes

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

ah come on.. you've been a member here long enough to know that you're not allowed to use common sense.
The OP said that her car isn't reliable enough for a 'long' trip so that has to mean it's a complete death trap, no ifs or buts

I know, I must keep reminding myself, I just cannot leave the common sense behind like others seem to be able to

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

No, but the father does, I think you see my point now.

I do not have grandchildren yet, although I cannot see the relevance. And if I did not have children, my view would still be the same, you do not favour one child over another regardless of which mother/father you're with.

The relevance of grandchildren is self evident ... once you have them You only really know your true worth as a parent once your children have children - that is the time you know, one way or another, whether *you* have been a "decent parent" or not *that* is the relevance!

Now, while we may agree to disagree on certain points, I can assure you of one thing: having children does indeed change one's point of view. The fact you do not see the relevance of having grandchildren merely highlights that, the views we hold as "people" alters when we have children; when we have grandchildren (and have made the mistakes of parenting - which we all do, one way or another - regardless of our best intentions) we see the *real* story of whether our "decent parenting" has paid dividends.

I've made mistakes with all five of my own children, one way or another; I see the effects of those mistakes (despite me thinking I was doing the "right" thing) reflected through my grandchildren. By the same token, I can see what was successful

The day may even come when you realise my views are not "total sh!te" too

Disagree if you will, that is your perogative; I genuinely hope that you never have to eat your words Time alone will tell. (But, I have seen too, too many eating theirs! Despite their best of intentions )

Mupette

Bubby

I'm a PWC, and since DS was 4 it's been a battle with the ex.

Oh i plan to take him on holiday - this was said when he was 4... DS is 16 now and still waiting.

The stuffing of our son of sweets and carp on the 'every other sunday' and laughing at me when i am up all night with a child throwing up, having to loose yet another day's pay to care for him, whilst the ex laughs and says f. you.

The ex who shacked up with a woman with kids, and dumped his own son in favour of takeing her kids to school and pick them up.

2 years ago the ex had another child as the new girlfriend was on antibiotics and the pill, she was warned about pregnancy but it seems she wanted a baby... (don't they all), baby was due in november and i thought ok DS is going to be pushed out at some point but this is a newborn and told the ex that seeing it was the baby's first christmas that he could see DS after christmas if it made things easier, ex was happy with the suggestion, took another 3 months to get him to see him again.

I think i have been more than accomodating when it came to DS seeing his dad, but nowadays when i ask DS when is he seeing his dad again, he shrugs his shoulders... He finds his dad a pain (his words).

Yet when i needed him to look after his son when i had to dash to the bedside of a dying relative he wanted me to pay him.

yet the OP has slated those who can see through the 'woe is me single parent routine' she is playing.