his wedding, my son is barely invited.

13Kent

I'm probably going to be shot down for this but.....

There are a lot of things in these posts which make me think the OP is trying to make excuses not to send the child and is trying to justify why she shouldnt' send him.

in post 1 she says

"I will be at uni then straight to work" - it's August, most University terms start in Sept. Also in later posts she says "The weekend of the wedding is the same as our local holiday weekend" most people don't go to Uni over a holiday weekend.

In post 22

"They are having the service in chapel in next town (10mins in car from mine) service will b finished and everyone on buses to go to the next venue."

And yet she is talking about the wedding being a couple of hours drive. Maybe the timings suggested by the father are to drop the child off after the service because the service is 10 mins away rather than take him on to the next venue further away just for a short time as the OP can't pick the child up at the next venue at 7 probably in time for bedtime for a 4 year old - if he'd suggested a later time he would probably have been shot down as it would be past the child's bedtime, and due to the child's allergies perhaps he realised that staying in a hotel overnight where he wouldn't know what the bedding had been washed in which might set off the allergies, and maybe the hotel couldn't accommodate the child's dietary needs so maybe he was thinking of the child's best interests with his original suggestion.

LolaLemon wrote: »

If it was at the weekend, their wouldn't be as much problems, as I would then be able to drop him off and maybe my dad would be able to pick him up at 7.

In later posts the OP says that the wedding is over the holiday weekend, hence being short staffed in the place where she works.

"The weekend of the wedding is the same as our local holiday weekend"

It just seems that she doesn't want the child to be there and is trying to justify the reasons she can't send him.

"I would rather my son was either a full member of that side of his family or no part at all, as being on the sidelines is a lot worse than those two options.
I don't feel my child should be a part of their life and attend their family functions"

That's a shame as unfortunately due to the nature of separated families the child is never going to be a full member of the father's side of the family in the sense that because he lives with the OP for most of the time there will be things that happen in the Father's life or the father's families life that he will not be part of simply because he won't be there. We include my husbands children in everything we can, but when we only have them with us for one weekend a fortnight there are times when it's simply not possible. This is not because we don't want to include them but because we can't or because they can't make it as they already have plans or committments (such as school or birthday parties which they would hate to miss if they were made to come to visit us instead). We have always done our best to include them, and their mother has never made any attempt to drop them off with us or pick them up - or even meet us half way. Sometimes we have had a 4 hour round trip to collect them/drop them off. Never have we made excuses that we can't do it, but with the best will in the world we can't include them in everything.

Sadly they don't see their grandparents (Dad's parents) as much as our children do, or their cousins or aunties and uncles as they don't live near to us or them, so when we visit we have to get them there and back, and that has often meant a 2 hour drive from our house to pick them up followed by a further 1-2 hour drive from their Mother's house across the country to the grandparents. - Not something that you can do once a fortnight, and when the grandparents come to stay with us hubby's children are often only their during the weekend as they have to be at school during the week. But sadly by the same token my husband does not play such a full part in their lives as he does with our children - not because he doesn't want to but because he can't - he's not there at night to put them to bed, or to cuddle them when they are sick or sad, he doesn't see their teachers every day to find out how they are doing in school as he doesn't have the priviledge of taking them to school, he doesn't know who their friends are or what they like to do most days. And even a mother that keeps the estranged father updated about important things isn't going to ring daily to update him on the little things - it's just not practical and won't ever happen, so he's missed out on lots of their lives that he hasn't missed with our children. That's the nature of separated families.

It's hard for fathers that don't live with their children, and sometimes no matter how hard they try to make arrangements that fit in with the mother and her life all to often it's not good enough for the mother who often seems to think that her children should be put first above all else. Our family life has to fit around when his children can come and stay with us and be part of what we do, so why shouldn't their lives sometimes be organised to fit around our lives too?

The OP's child is only 4, and things are going to get more complicated as time goes on. I believe that both parents should do their best to make sure children form separated families have the best possible relationship with the parent that doesn't live with the child, even if that means doing your best to put those children first even if it makes life difficult for you, the adult, and you hate doing it for the sake of the children sometimes you have to hide your own feelings.

lostinrates

re the car.....regardless of the wedding.....I do not pretend to understand cars, but I always though very short journeys were rather tough on them...most of the strain being on the battery and a cold engine? Is that not true with modern cars? For a car owner whose only driving ever only amounts 3 miles each way, really, a cycle or even shanks' pony and buses..the latter probably easier with a child... might be worth considering: the amount saved in patching a car like this plus paying tax, insurance etc might be worthwhile.

It wouldn't resolve the current issue but for the fact it wouldn't be taken for granted you had transport.

Rebecca01

Well said Kent , you have described how it is for us to. It is so true.

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

The relevance of grandchildren is self evident ... once you have them You only really know your true worth as a parent once your children have children - that is the time you know, one way or another, whether *you* have been a "decent parent" or not *that* is the relevance!

Now, while we may agree to disagree on certain points, I can assure you of one thing: having children does indeed change one's point of view. The fact you do not see the relevance of having grandchildren merely highlights that, the views we hold as "people" alters when we have children; when we have grandchildren (and have made the mistakes of parenting - which we all do, one way or another - regardless of our best intentions) we see the *real* story of whether our "decent parenting" has paid dividends.

I've made mistakes with all five of my own children, one way or another; I see the effects of those mistakes (despite me thinking I was doing the "right" thing) reflected through my grandchildren. By the same token, I can see what was successful

The day may even come when you realise my views are not "total sh!te" too

Disagree if you will, that is your perogative; I genuinely hope that you never have to eat your words Time alone will tell. (But, I have seen too, too many eating theirs! Despite their best of intentions )

Every parent makes 'mistakes' with their parenting just like everything else, we're only human, so perhaps this is the groom's mistake and he will look back on it and realise.

Five children, wow you were a busy parent, which one was your favourite?

13Kent

And perhaps it's not just the groom that is making mistakes.

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

....
Five children, wow you were a busy parent, which one was your favourite?

All of them! And all for different reasons

newcook

3v3 wrote: »

Hi again Lola

In a number of your posts you refer to Uni; yet, uni terms do not begin until the end of September and you inferred the wedding takes place before then - can't help wondering what the point of mentioning it was (unless it is to play the "woe is me card"?)

I suggested in an earlier post that, as a Uni student, if you are struggling financially, the Student Union may be of assistance to you (but you have not commented on that positive suggestion).

Many MSE members have given you frank advice, yet you are choosing to battle with them; it does leave the impression that, unless someone agrees with you, their opinion is not actually welcome?

Now, regarding your work: I get that the staff will be short and therefore you could not ask for a day off. The question begs to be asked, how would they cope if you were striken with a tummy bug on that day? In my day when the children were ill, you couldn't get away with asking for time off due to child ill health (and no child care facility will take them under those circumstances anyway!) and you had to resort to playing the "I'm ill" card - of course, you couldn't abuse that, or you would be sacked (back in the day when society wasn't so generous towards working parents ) *Your* priority is not your job, or your uni (that is what sebaticals are for!), it is your son!!

Now, to be most frank, it is just tough titty that your son's father is getting married on your son's access date. Originally, his father was happy to stick to the pre-arranged agreement of 7pm; it is *you* that caused a fuss about this. In response, he gave an alternative - *you* are not happy with that either! Sorry, but I think you are being pinickerty and bl%dy minded for the sake of it! Forget adding in your Uni commitments (it's not term time! And, even if it were, you are more than happy to skip a late lecture to attend work, so you don't value it highly enough in that regard anyway, making your Uni argument null and void). Work wise, yes, I do understand staff shortages and pre-planned time off, but, having endured the work place and childcare cover for 3 young children of my own (and at a time when "benefits" were nothing more than a token) if you are struggling to arrange emergency cover for an occasion you have been pre-informed about ... well, to be honest ... how do you envisage coping if you wake up one night to your son having a Grand Mal and necessitates a good number of hours in A&E? How will you hope to cope if, there is a hurricane wiping out half your neighbourhood for a 120mile radius and you are duty bound to turn up for work, but all childcare options are no longer open?

Putting it into perspective: this is a pre-arranged event; you have plenty of notice. The "arrangements" altered, not because of the wedding per se, but because you say your car is unreliable (a car you really shouldn't be transporting your child in at all if it is that unreliable!). Your "sperm donor" has included his child in the arrangements up until the time his access arrangement are at an end and thus he becomes, once more, your responsibility. You didn't like it, made a fuss - BINGO! - he alters it .... and now you are still not happy and blaming ex for a situation of your own making.

So much easier to blame the "sperm donor" for the inconvenience (and negate your own part); so much easier to have a go at MSE members who have taken their personal time, trouble and offered their advice, then to accept, on the chin, your own responsibilities! So much easier to claim Uni/work pressures (even though it is not term time!) than to face up to the facts: *you* chose to have a child; *you* choose to undertake a Uni degree; *you* choose not to accept ex's original options due to *your* choice of vehicle. Heaven help you when something *not* of your choosing throws a spanner in the works!!! Oh, wait! It has!!! At least in this scenario, you have a months notice to sort something out

Best post so far!

Zoetoes wrote: »

Also, she chose to have a child, correct, and so did he

Erm he didn’t – the OP and ex split before OP knew she was pregnant. Its not as if the 2 of them had sat and planned to have a baby. It was OP’s decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that from day 1 she would be a single parent

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

All of them! And all for different reasons

Exactly.

Zoetoes

newcook wrote: »

Erm he didn’t – the OP and ex split before OP knew she was pregnant. Its not as if the 2 of them had sat and planned to have a baby. It was OP’s decision to continue with the pregnancy knowing that from day 1 she would be a single parent

Erm...he was part of the process as was she. No they hadn't planned the baby, neither of them, but it happened to both of them so they both have a responsibility.

So you're suggesting any woman who becomes pregnant but the relationship doesn't last, should accept that they are solely responsible for the child? Either that or abort?

Reverbe

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

i dont see what the problem is with OP calling her son HE on here, i wrote a post about my son yesterday and called him he a few times, couldnt use his name so what should i have put?

my son my child an inital another name thats not their real one.. theres a number of options.actually you can use your sons first name if there is nothing else to identify you. or if it isnt unusual. most posters on here use a handle rather than their real names.