his wedding, my son is barely invited.

fannyanna

Zoetoes wrote: »

I'm starting to think more and more that this little boy just isn't wanted,

I think you've hit the nail on the head here.

As sad as that may be I can understand why this would be the case.

Of course we don't know the full facts but by the sound of things this Man was forced to become a Father when he perhaps wasn't ready/didn't want to be one. Yes he clearly had unprotected s*x (and therefore has to accept responsibility for his actions) but this does not mean that he has chosen to be a Father. When a Women gets pregnant it is her (and her alone) that makes the ultimate decision about whether to have a baby or not. Whilst a Man may have a say in the matter it is the Womans body and no-one can force her to do what she does not want to do.

I would imagine that there is very little bond between the Son and Father. The Father has never been a full time parent just a weekend Dad (I am presuming). I think I read that he does provide child maintenance. In the eyes of the law this is his only legal obligation to the child. We could spend forever debating what is morally right and wrong.

Of course the new baby is going to be treated differently. He was conceived, born and raised in a loving relationship. The parents are now planning on marrying and I can understand why this second child would be more involved in the wedding than the first.

I can also understand why the Grandaparents also have more of a relaxed relationship with the little one.

Yes, it's unfair but life is unfair. If the ex was made a Father when he didn't want to be one that's unfair on him. It's unfair on the OP taht she is a single Mum (although that was actually a choice). It's unfair on the little one that his parents aren't together and that by the sound of things his Father doesn't really want to be a Father to him.

newcook

shellsuit wrote: »

Maybe OP could ask the ex who will be having her little boys brother during the day and night, and suggest whoever has her little boy too?

If nobody on the ex's side is willing to watch the lad, day and night, considering they are family to him, is it worth sending him at all?

I'd be as upset as the OP, but if it looks like if the OP wants her lad to go, she is going to have to sort it all out.

I dont think they have much of a relationship with the son to be honest (going from what OP has said anyway!) so he would theoretically be staying overnight with strangers. if he was to get scared or he had something that started his allergies the only person there who would possibly be able to comfort him would be ex who would be in no fit state to comfort him.

while I dont have kids myself, I look after my friends children quite often. only one of them has allergies (egg) and I know I would be bricking it if I had to look after him for a whole day or watch him at a party in case he had something with egg in it! luckily he is now old enough to ask people if its got egg in it as 'Im lurgic' but 3/4 years ago if he'd seen cake at a party and everyone else was having some he'd be straight in there! my friend has quite literally had to have eyes on him all the time!!

puddy

I dont get this

is it at the weekend or not at the weekend?

is it during a Uni term or not?

sperm donor has contact with his son and wedding falls on contact day, he usually has the son until 7pm which is just down the road

on this day, at 7pm the child will be 30 miles away due to the wedding. son was invited as is right and 11 - 7pm at a noisy, busy, full wedding will be a long day for the son but dad wanted him there for those hours

mum said 'i cant pick him up at 7, im not available/dont have the money for petrol/my car cant make a 60 mile round trip'

so dad changed the hours to 11-3pm so that when son needed to go home, he was only 10 mins down the road in the next village, making it easy for mum

why cant son stay over? well there may be issues with the allergy thing, mum already made it clear to dad that he did the wrong thing when dealing with the hives, child clearly has food allergies etc, is dad nervous about doing the wrong thing? i dont know

why cant grandparents care for the child? are they engaged with the dad's other son, are they hands off grandparents or do they just not have a relationship with the son or are they also nervous about the child's needs

on paper, it really doesnt sound that dad is rejecting the son, he has invited him as is right, he planned to have child for his normal access hours, i dont know why mum presumed that the son would be staying over at the hotel, does dad normally have staying contact now, after the washing powder thing?

its quite right that he looks after his own children, both of them, but if his normal access is until 7pm, thats what the plan was, it was mother that said she couldnt do this

i also dont understand how a car can be generally roadworthy but unable to do a trip of 60 miles. as for not wanting to do 60 miles for the mileage, for gods sake its a one off journey, does the OP never go anywhere out of her 6 mile radius, never go on holiday, day trips, visits to friends and family, what nonsense.

whitewing

I do also think how the OP handles the wedding (a major event in the life of the bride and groom) will set the tone for many years of her little boy's future.

For one day, if OP can set aside her own churned up feelings, and do everything that she can to make her little boy a welcome and easy part of the occasion, so that she can talk about it with joy to her boy (who is unlikely to remember it anyway), she will leave all the family and friends at the wedding with the impression that her boy is very much part of his daddy's life. I disagree so much with posters who say dad isn't interested. Probably dad is just finding it all a major hassle.

Rebecca01

whitewing wrote: »

I do also think how the OP handles the wedding (a major event in the life of the bride and groom) will set the tone for many years of her little boy's future.

For one day, if OP can set aside her own churned up feelings, and do everything that she can to make her little boy a welcome and easy part of the occasion, so that she can talk about it with joy to her boy (who is unlikely to remember it anyway), she will leave all the family and friends at the wedding with the impression that her boy is very much part of his daddy's life. I disagree so much with posters who say dad isn't interested. Probably dad is just finding it all a major hassle.

Looking at it all again, you are probably right. There are two sides to every story.

cheepskate_2

LolaLemon wrote: »

I have tried to increase due to son asking to go their more,

Really don't understand why they picked day they have son, if they don't really want him there.

O.P i really think you have to rethink your outlook on your boys father.

The father obviously does right by his boy when he is there , otherwise the boy wouldnt want to up access as you have stated.

He was taking his boy , 4 hours more than he normally would 11-7(should be 3-7).

He did accommodate you , in that he couldn't get his boy back to you for 7 so made other arrangements to get him back.

Now if a total stranger , (anybody who was not drinking) came to your door at 7pm with your screaming 4 year old , to drop your child off, sure as hell you would have been on here and at family winging about this.

If you love your boy , then you do all you can to make sure he is content and happy, sometimes that may mean changing your plans and putting your feelings at the back.

Look at it this way, for 4 hours your boy is getting to see daddy marry someone that is going to be a big part in his life , the atmosphere should be fantastic and the little one gets to play with lots of kids for a few hours.

The more you make it difficult , the less bond your sons father will have with him at this age. - Is that what you truly want for your son.

JodyBPM

Regardless of what the ex may or may not be doing, you are your DS's mother, and presumably want the best for him, and are prepared to make sacrifices for him. If you think it is best that he goes, from 11-7 as he was originally invited, then *you* as a good, caring, responsible parent would make sure that he got there. If that means making different childcare arrangements/paying for public transport/taking time off uni or work etc, then *you* do that as a responsible parent who will bend over backwards to make sure her son gets what is best for him. If you don't care about doing what is best for your son, then continue to stick your ground and be obtuse, but it is your son who will suffer, not your ex.

Can your dad (the cab driver) not pick up your son at 7? I'm sure most loving grandparents would be more than happy to do that for their grandchild free of charge, but if he does require paying, then pay him, because a good mother would ensure having her sons needs met as the most important thing. And a few quid for the opportunity of attending such an important one off event as his fathers' wedding is nothing in the scheme of things.

3v3

Zoetoes wrote: »

Exactly.

And your point is? :huh:

Zoetoes

3v3 wrote: »

And your point is? :huh:

The point is, you didn't favour one over another.

Strapped

I feel sad for this little boy.

OP, you can't change your ex's behaviour. You can only change how YOU react to the situation. If you choose to do the right thing by your son, tbh, I will be surprised, but do come back and let us know what happened. (10-1 you find some reason for him not to go altogether).