Preferred child (as adults)

delain

balletshoes wrote: »

if that was all the money I had, neither child would be getting any of it!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

It would be quite difficult to explain to everyone else that there was no bread or milk or anything because you gave your only £20 to the kids and they spent it on match attax or whatever :rotfl:

mildred1978

polejunkie wrote: »

I think the OP has underestimated the cost of her trip to vegas by a considerable amount unless the parents decided to send her via easyjet and put her up in the chucky cheese lodge.

As for treating my children, I dont always treat them equally at the same time but eventually it evens out.

Can I ask are you and your sister both married? Did they contribute to your wedding?

I am, my sister is not. And no, my husband and I paid.

mildred1978

balletshoes wrote: »

Do you think maybe your parents have given more to your sister because they thought you were doing fine on your own/with your OH, and your sister isn't doing as well, and so they think she needs their help more?

How do diamond rings 'help' if someone isn't doing well?

No, financially we're both way above average. She and her partner go without nothing without outside help. She prioritises cars and holidays while my husband and I are trying to clear our mortgage as quickly as possible.

I think I'd understand if she was skint and they were giving her money to live, but a) she's not skint by any stretch of the imagination and b) they're not giving cash.

mummyroysof3

i kind of understand how you feel OP, but i try not to let it bother me...in the end it was my desicion to move 250 mile away from where my mum and sister live so cant relly complain if they close can i? i just tell myself im independant and dont have to rely on my parents as an adult but when i do get gifts/help from them i am more grateful for it as its not very often

LittleMissAspie

Mildred, if you had spoken of differing amounts of time spent on you and your sister I bet most of the responses would have been sympathetic. People can't see past £ signs.

My parent's birthdays are in the same month and I feel bad if I spend even £10 more on one than the other. I really try to put an equal amount of time, effort and money into both.

So I think your mum is being unfair, but you'll never understand why unless you ask. Maybe she doesn't even realise, who knows.

Plans_all_plans

It's not the value of the gifts that make me think mildred is spoiled, but her reaction to her parents generosity towards both her sister and herself. You have BOTH had gifts that your parents thought you would like at the time. You have also told them to keep their money for themselves, but perhaps your sister hasn't.

It is not jealousy of the sums spent on you on my part either (I have well off in-laws who have paid for luxury holidays abroad, given thousands for our house deposit and gave a good sum towards our wedding too) At no point has my husband looked at what they've spent on his brother to add it all up to see who is 'preferred' in monetary terms. I would be very cross at him if he did, because I would think he was ungrateful.

I'm sorry to say mildred that your sister sounds dreadful in my opinion and if I had brought someone up who turned out to be so shallow, self-obsessed and money-orientated, I would be appalled. I am not sure whether your parents feel that in order to "keep her onside" they need to shower her with presents. They may also feel guilty about the way she has turned out and the only way they feel they can relate to her is if they spoil her. I would feel sorry for a child of mine who thought so little of herself that only diamond rings and designer clothes would pacify her and "make her happy".

Do you feel loved by your parents mildred in every other way? Would they house you and help you if you both lost your jobs? Would they visit if you both took sick? Would they do these things for your sister too? If they would, then you are loved equally and the gifts do not matter.

My personal opinion is that they are more than likely saving for your child.

Also, don't let money spilt your family up and drive you into bitterness. At the end of the day, you and your husband are doing well and are happy. If they threw you a diamond ring every day for the rest of your life, it wouldn't add anything meaningful to your life, so let it go before the whole thing eats you up entirely.

KiKi

OP, it seems that you've already made your mind up as to how you feel. You asked for people's opinions, but you're very defensive of those that don't agree with yours.

I do think you've been very lucky, but regardless of that, if you're not happy, do something about it. You're not interested in hearing people's opinions of letting it go, so go and take action instead; you've already made your mind up.

KiKi

Soubrette

scottishminnie wrote: »

Throughout my life the treatment between my younger sister and I has been markedly different.

I went to school with someone in the same position as you although her mother doted on her older brother. When as an adult my friend challenged her, she was told that as she was strong and capable and clever, her mum knew she would be ok but her brother has always needed a lot more support and help.

But she's not ok I had to end contact with her in my 30s as she is one of the most toxic people I know - always comparing herself to everyone else and being constantly jealous of other people's success or luck.

I hope she has changed now but her standing in the family has distorted her into someone who because she had to strive for every bit of attention in her family, is constantly looking to 'beat' everyone and expressing it in a negative way. For example, we were out once and saw a woman with lovely long thick hair. Her hair has always been a bugbear for my friend. She turned to me with a really ugly expression on her face and said that she wished she had a pair of scissors as she'd like to chop that woman's hair off.

That was the start of the end for me I sympathise with her situation and I understand why she is what she is, but it is so draining to be with someone like that.

On the other hand, the mentioned in passing daughter of my friend is one of the most independent, resolute and resourceful people I know. The mistakes of the parents do not have to be visited upon their children!

sarahevie

mountainofdebt wrote: »

OP


If it bugs you that much you have a number of options:

1) Have it out with your mum and / or sister

2) Accept the fact that your sister has been given, and may continue to get more expensive gifts than you

3) Cut your mum and sister completely out of your life. That way you won't know what your sister has been given so what you don't know won't hurt you.

My OH had to decide between these options, we decided that we would remain civil and have contact because life's too short. We want our children to have relations with their grandparents. We accept that we are the 'lesser' relations in their eyes but as we live 2 miles away life is easier on speaking terms.

I don't like the way they speak to their son, they treat him shockingly by anyone's standards but sometimes you have to rise above it.

Molly41

mildred1978 wrote: »

And if you don't? Ever?

.

I know I will spend the money on my youngest son because he has a "pot" of money with his name on it.

Like I said earlier it depends on the age, maturity, interests of the child. You can never treat each child the same because they are all individuals in their own right - as I explained to DS3.

I'm sorry but Im losing sympathy for you and have to say you sound very petulant. I really think you have to face your mum and have it out with her as my youngest son did with me. I found it very thought provoking. I have to say that the longer I parent my nearly adult children I do find myself thinking that "you are damned if you do and damned if you dont". You can never get it right as a parent. Its a great shame that you are harbouring such a grudge against your mother and sister. Either try and sort it or come to terms with it, accept it and move on. Life is really too short!