Preferred child (as adults)

must_try_harder_2

Might it be because your sister lives away? You say that it's you who spends time with your parents not her but maybe they see it as the other way round: you are the one who gets more of their time and as they can't give your sister so much time they give her money/gifts instead.

Even though they don't seem to spend a lot of time with you and your family they might see it that way and feel guilty that your sister is so far away from them.

I can understand why you feel it is unfair though. But you still get amazing gifts and on top of that you get to see your parents regularly. Aren't you therefore much better off than your sister?

Person_one

Wait until they're dead and then add up how much each of you got over the whole of your lives.

I'm only half joking actually, just because they've spent more on her over the last few years doesn't necessarily mean they aren't planning to even it out eventually. My folks have spent far far more on my brother than me in the last 5 years but in the 5 years before that I was helped more.

You seem to be getting angrier and angrier as the thread goes on, I do understand, but it doesn't actually help you does it? Why not either talk to your mum or talk to a counsellor?

mildred1978

must_try_harder wrote: »

Might it be because your sister lives away? You say that it's you who spends time with your parents not her but maybe they see it as the other way round: you are the one who gets more of their time and as they can't give your sister so much time they give her money/gifts instead.

Even though they don't seem to spend a lot of time with you and your family they might see it that way and feel guilty that your sister is so far away from them.

I can understand why you feel it is unfair though. But you still get amazing gifts and on top of that you get to see your parents regularly. Aren't you therefore much better off than your sister?

They are pretty fit and well at the moment. We see them for 3 or 4 hours a fortnight. They spend a long weekend at my sister's (160 miles away) every 6 weeks or so. More often than not they've taken a £4-5k piece of jewellery with them on most occasions this year.

jellyhead

mildred1978 wrote: »

My dad, yes. My mum, not really. It's her money and her spending. Dad's still the same as ever.

My son will be a year old shortly and my husband and I have not had so much as a night out on our own since he arrived. My parents visit once a fortnight or so, but don't babysit etc.

Have you asked?

My mum always spoiled my sister and always gave her her own way. I used to think it was because she was more loved, but as adults I realise that a lot of it was because she asked, even demanded whereas I never asked for things. Of the 4 children my sister is the only one who asks for things, and she's the only one who loves shopping and gets excited by new things and 'acquiring'.

I still think my mum shouldn't have spent more on my sister at Christmas than she did on the other 3 put together. She should have at least made an effort to treat us equally, and given how poor we were she should have said no to my sister and made her realise that she can't have everything she demands, but ho hum ...

As adults my sister is always asking and taking. I know my parents are tired after working full time and I ask them to babysit maybe once every 3 years, but sister asks all the time. They always babysit when asked but the thing is I just don't ask. My sister will tell them what she wants for birthdays and christmas whereas I tend to say I don't need anything, and I think I've probably always been like that. They know that vouchers will be spent on the children.

My brothers don't ask for anything either, but they have borrowed money and not paid it back because I think mum feels guilty that she is always 'lending' money to my sister. If she could afford it she probably still wouldn't try to offer me a 'loan' because I am quite prickly and independent and they know I'd feel awkward. I do borrow money from time to time (because I am hopelessly disorganised and never have cash on me, or sometimes I even forget my bag) and when I try to pay it back mum sort of says I don't need to, but she lets me repay her because it's what I want.

I think if the 4 of us asked for similar things she'd treat us more equally, but as things are she gives to the one who asks.

ceegee

mildred1978 wrote: »

Am I wrong to feel this way?

No, Mildred, I do not think you are wrong to feel this way. I am the same. It is absolutely not about the "quantity" of money spent here, it is about the importance that parents (in my case my Mother) attach to an event.

For example, when my sister turned 50, she was taken out for a slap-up meal in a posh restaurant. I was not included.

When I turned 50 I was given a birthday card with a fiver tucked inside. Don't get me wrong....I was pleased that my birthday had been acknowledged and I bought myself some nice bath stuff with the fiver. But why was my sister's birthday "worth" £100 plus and mine only "worth" £5?

It was also the case that if the three of us were together, I would be ignored and unable to get a word in edgewise! It was so bad that it actually veered into the territory of rudeness. It would have been laughable if it hadn't been real.

One of the things that hurt me most was when we had our babies, and my sister received a card saying "congratulations, darling"! I have never been called anything but my name....no endearments or anything. I have always just supposed I am unlovable as far as my Mother is concerned.

Anyway, after 55 years of my sister being "preferred", I have given up trying to understand it. She is the preferred person and that is all there is to it. I am not going to let it eat me up and make me bitter....yes it hurts when I think about it, but life is too short for this sort of stuff. When it pops into my mind, I just say something like "oh, get lost".:o

mildred1978

jellyhead wrote: »

Have you asked?

Not until after he was 6 months old (I was breastfeeding). I've probably asked about 5 times in the last 5 months, usually when there's been a show or film we'd really like to see. They've always been "too busy", so I've stopped asking.

Soubrette

There are some really sad stories on here

I have a friend with two daughters - the one she talks about all the time and the one she mentions in passing.

The one she talks about all the time has expensive presents given to her 'because that's what she asked for' and the one she mentions in passing has cheap presents given to her 'because that's what she wanted'.

For those that spend much more on one child than another on a consistent and long term basis - are you 100% sure that you are not expressing an unconsious bias?

I feel terrible for you OP - it's not nice feeling like the less loved child (even as an adult), however, we do not control other people - only ourselves so only you can decide what to do about the situation.

ticklepenny_2

My little brother is the preferred child, but in my eyes I have a better life as I am not as reliant on my parents. Also amusingly (and confusingly) I get on with my parents better than my brother does, go figure!

The best thing we can do is try and avoid the same scenario for our children in the future and let them know that they are loved equally. Thats my plan for my 2 children anyway.
x

January20

Soubrette wrote: »

There are some really sad stories on here

I have a friend with two daughters - the one she talks about all the time and the one she mentions in passing.

The one she talks about all the time has expensive presents given to her 'because that's what she asked for' and the one she mentions in passing has cheap presents given to her 'because that's what she wanted'.

For those that spend much more on one child than another on a consistent and long term basis - are you 100% sure that you are not expressing an unconsious bias?

I feel terrible for you OP - it's not nice feeling like the less loved child (even as an adult), however, we do not control other people - only ourselves so only you can decide what to do about the situation.

I was going to ask smartprice this question after their post (49#). How can they be sure that their children do not feel that one child is preferred the others? Children notice these things.

Gillyx

Surely if it's bothering you so much, cut them off?

If I felt so wound up and aggrieved by my parents, I'd shut them out. Thankfully the only thing I've ever wanted from my father is advice and support, which I get in abundance.