Preferred child (as adults)

mildred1978

I don't know whether this willbe seen as petty by others or if my feelings are acceptable IYSWIM. Would be grateful for other people's views.

I'm the eldest of 2 children. My younger sibling has always been spoiled and i thought that now we're adults it would have calmed down. Apparently not.

When I turned 30 my parents paid for a trip for OH and I to Vegas, Grand Canyon etc. I think they probably spent around £3k all in. It was agreed that it was the final present and that token gifts/silly things only for future events. When I turned 31 I had a piece of jewellery worth a couple of grand. It was unexpected, but mum insisted it was the last one. So when I turned 32 and 33 I received just a card and a token gift. I gave birth to my son a few days before my 34th birthday so that got forgotten by everyone, including me.

My sister turned 30 two years ago and was bought a car that she's always wanted - £30k worth. I was told it was her last present, and she'd had a tough year so it was bigger than it might have been. I let it go.

I don't know what she got last year, if anything, but I've just found out that she's getting some very expensive jewellery (£8k+) this year for her 32nd. And she's had numerous other pieces of expensive jewellery (£5k+) through the year!!!!

To say I'm miffed is an understatement. My sister lives away and does nothing for anyone else. She has at least 6 holidays abroad a year. I'm the one who spends time with my parents and I'm feeling pretty hard done by.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

fannyanna

I'm your long lost sister - can I have a birthday present :rotfl:

Whilst the value of these presents seem pretty outstanding to me (but I'm just green with envy lol) I understand why you're upset. I would be too.

mildred1978

Thank you. I don't care about the value of the gifts. It could have been a 10p mixture each year and I would have been happy. It's the inequitable treatment I can't understand.

Plans_all_plans

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you have both been spoiled rotten by your parents.

I think you should let it go, you are in your mid 30s and how your parents spend their money is entirely up to them. It's not a competition. I think you are wrong to feel this way, though I do understand why you would.

mildred1978

I don't think I was spoiled. It's been the same right through. From the age of 15 I had to work to buy anything non-essential. I worked hard and saved £5k and bought my own driving lessons and first car. My sister had everything bought for her and didn't get a job until she was 21.

I saved the deposit for my first house. My parents paid the £100k deposit for my sister's flat (London).

My mother is so secretive about it all too. She knows it's unfair and doesnt want me to find out. This isn't about the money. My husband and I are well off through our own hard work.

Torry_Quine

mildred1978 wrote: »

I don't think I was spoiled. It's been the same right through. From the age of 15 I had to work to buy anything non-essential. I worked hard and saved £5k and bought my own driving lessons and first car. My sister had everything bought for her and didn't get a job until she was 21.

I saved the deposit for my first house. My parents paid the £100k deposit for my sister's flat (London).

My mother is so secretive about it all too. She knows it's unfair and doesnt want me to find out. This isn't about the money. My husband and I are well off through our own hard work.

You may not agree but yes you and your sister have been very spoiled by your parents. You need to get rid of the anger and accept you have very generous parents

mildred1978

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You may not agree but yes you and your sister have been very spoiled by your parents. You need to get rid of the anger and accept you have very generous parents

Parents who are more generous to one child than the other.

I have never wanted anything from my parents but fair treatment. Does expecting that make me spoiled?

polejunkie

mildred1978 wrote: »

Thank you. I don't care about the value of the gifts. It could have been a 10p mixture each year and I would have been happy. It's the inequitable treatment I can't understand.

But clearly you do care about the value of the gifts.

MessyMare

Perhaps your sister might feel bad about this too? My parents gave me a lot; they bought me cars, paid for my driving lessons, paid for my cambridge diet and gave me a large (to me) lump sum to help my OH and I to buy our first house. I feel terribly guilty that my sister didn't have as much as I did, though as my mother points out on a near constant basis she had our grandmother who spoiled and doted on her; who died before I was born. Also my parents had a lot more money as I was coming of age than when my sister was. My sister doesn't care. I feel constantly guilty.

Just another way to look at it.

mildred1978

polejunkie wrote: »

But clearly you do care about the value of the gifts.

The value is unimportant. Would you spend £10 on one child's birthday present and £500 on the other?

Or 50p on sweets for one child and £20 on the other?

Would you? Really?

KiKi

mildred1978 wrote: »

When I turned 30 my parents paid for a trip for OH and I to Vegas, Grand Canyon etc. I think they probably spent around £3k all in. It was agreed that it was the final present and that token gifts/silly things only for future events. When I turned 31 I had a piece of jewellery worth a couple of grand. It was unexpected, but mum insisted it was the last one. So when I turned 32 and 33 I received just a card and a token gift. I gave birth to my son a few days before my 34th birthday so that got forgotten by everyone, including me.

My sister turned 30 two years ago and was bought a car that she's always wanted - £30k worth. I was told it was her last present, and she'd had a tough year so it was bigger than it might have been. I let it go.

I don't know what she got last year, if anything, but I've just found out that she's getting some very expensive jewellery (£8k+) this year for her 32nd. And she's had numerous other pieces of expensive jewellery (£5k+) through the year!!!!

I understand that you say it's the 'inequitable treatment' that annoys you, but that's only because you're defining 'equity' in the financial sense.

If you really don't care about the money, then what does it matter that they spent more on her and less on you? The way I see it is if they bought you something that you really enjoyed, that they knew you'd like (such as a trip to Vegas), and they bought her a car (because she really needed it or wanted it), why does it matter that they cost different amounts?

I'm not having a go, it's a genuine question.

My parents bought my middle sister a holiday for Christmas, for her and her OH. They bring back tins of biscuits from their holidays, and take them out for meals all the time. I don't get anything like that (I got a DVD and some handcream for Christmas!), certainly not presents from holidays. But it was a DVD and handcream I really wanted, whereas my sister really needed a weekend away.

I don't look at it and think "how unfair, hers cost more than mine", I think "they've bought us both something that we'll both enjoy". That's my take on it.

Plus, and I'm not trying to be funny here, but £3K on a gift of a trip to Las Vegas? I think there comes a point when your parents spend that much it doesn't really matter whether your sister's cost more than yours.

In addition, your parents obviously like spoiling you both - and in a BIG way. You agreed it would be the last present, then it wasn't, then you had a child and forgot your own birthday. You admit that you don't even know if she got anything last year anyway. Perhaps she didn't. Your parents obviously like spoiling you, and if your sister's happy to take the gifts, and they want to give, it ain't gonna stop! Maybe you should say you enjoy the gifts, too!

Let it go, don't let something like money cause a rift. £3K on a trip is a HUGE amount by 99% of people's standards.

KiKi