Preferred child (as adults)

Bettybigboobs

I would also be miffed.

Torry_Quine

I just think that it's not up to you to decide if you and your sister should have the same amount spent. I can understand that it has angered you but be honest it may not be as much but you have been spoilt as well. There could well be what seems to the giver a very good reason. Just enjoy your gifts and don't get worked up about something you have no control over.

I really don't know what my sibling has spent on them and have never thought it important enough to worry about.

January20

mildred1978, I do actually think you are getting a hard time from many posters because of the sums of money mentioned in your OP. I suppose that's what you get for being honest sigh! So disappointing, so predictable!

I understand how you feel I think. I suppose the amount of presents and the sums of money spent on your sister, and not the same effort put into pleasing you makes you feel you are loved less than her, valued less than her. I've read enough posts on here to realise that it's not uncommon for parents to have favourite adult children - and not always the ones who deserve it, and this preference is shown in various ways.

Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do about it. It's your parents' money to spend as they wish. I think you'd better develop strategies to cope with the situation, otherwise you'll keep feeling hurt about it all.

ETA: oh yeah I too feel super jealous!

mildred1978

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I just think that it's not up to you to decide if you and your sister should have the same amount spent. I can understand that it has angered you but be honest it may not be as much but you have been spoilt as well. There could well be what seems to the giver a very good reason. Just enjoy your gifts and don't get worked up about something you have no control over.

Because I've had a few grand spent on me? Please.

Would I be spoilt in your eyes if they hadn't spent it as they have, and kept it for an inheritance?

Actually, that's a point. Say no gifts had been given, and on mum and dad's passing their wills left 90% to my sister and 10% to me. Would that be seen as spoiling me? The only difference is that I haven't had to pay inheritance tax on it!

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I really don't know what my sibling has spent on them and have never thought it important enough to worry about.

Well, there's not much for you to add to the thread then, is there?

mildred1978

January20 wrote: »

mildred1978, I do actually think you are getting a hard time from many posters because of the sums of money mentioned in your OP. I suppose that's what you get for being honest sigh! So disappointing, so predictable!

I understand how you feel I think. I suppose the amount of presents and the sums of money spent on your sister, and not the same effort put into pleasing you makes you feel you are loved less than her, valued less than her. I've read enough posts on here to realise that it's not uncommon for parents to have favourite adult children - and not always the ones who deserve it, and this preference is shown in various ways.

Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do about it. It's your parents' money to spend as they wish. I think you'd better develop strategies to cope with the situation, otherwise you'll keep feeling hurt about it all.

ETA: oh yeah I too feel super jealous!

Thank you. Nail on head.

Torry_Quine

mildred1978 wrote: »

Because I've had a few grand spent on me? Please.

Would I be spoilt in your eyes if they hadn't spent it as they have, and kept it for an inheritance?

Actually, that's a point. Say no gifts had been given, and on mum and dad's passing their wills left 90% to my sister and 10% to me. Would that be seen as spoiling me? The only difference is that I haven't had to pay inheritance tax on it!



Well, there's not much for you to add to the thread then, is there?

No you wouldn't have been spoilt if the money hadn't been spent on you. Are you really trying to say that it isn't spoiling you to have as you say a few thousand spent, you must live in a very different world to a lot of us who can only imaging that kind of money and would be very grateful for it.

I was just trying to show that in my experience I don't even know what is spent and if this jealousy is the result then I for one am very glad I don't know what has been spent on my sibling.

mildred1978

Torry_Quine wrote: »

No you wouldn't have been spoilt if the money hadn't been spent on you. Are you really trying to say that it isn't spoiling you to have as you say a few thousand spent, you must live in a very different world to a lot of us who can only imaging that kind of money and would be very grateful for it.

I was just trying to show that in my experience I don't even know what is spent and if this jealousy is the result then I for one am very glad I don't know what has been spent on my sibling.

My parents had little money when we were growing up. We never had foreign holidays or new cars. We certainly didn't have designer trainers or computer games.

My mother's windfall came later in life, long after we'd grown up and moved out. I worked and studied hard in order to get a career - and I progressed quickly. Same for my OH. This time last year we were earning around £120k between us. Presumably earning above minimum wage means I'm spoilt? My husband has to be away from home about 75% of the year to earn what he does. Presumably being at home with the baby also makes me spoilt?

I've just taken redundancy from a £40k job because MONEY DOES NOT MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME. Being able to raise my son is worth far far more.

I'm sorry if the scale of the numbers is beyond your wildest dreams. I earned the grand sum of £2.50 an hour as a teenager. Don't you dare begrudge me feelings because I have made a good job of myself.

smartpicture

I don't see why we have to spend equally on our children.

One year for their birthdays, I bought driving lessons for one child (because that's what she wanted/needed) at a cost of £1000 and a laptop for the other child (because that's what she wanted/needed) at a cost of £300. Does that mean I love one less than the other? Of course not. It meant that I bought each what they wanted/needed, and they were both very grateful that I could afford it and wanted to treat them in that way. Another year, it might be in different proportions. If either one of them started complaining because the other one got more, I would have taken the gifts back and told them to buy their own treats in future because I would have been shocked at their ingratitude.

This is how it works: each child will have what they need from me when they need it because I love them both. Sometimes that will mean spending more money on one than the other, sometimes that will mean spending more time with one than the other, sometimes that will mean making more sacrifices for one than the other, depending on their needs at that time. Over a lifetime, I would expect that to even out, but if it doesn't, it still means that I did my best as a loving mother to meet their needs in whatever way I could, and I hope I've brought them up well enough to appreciate that.

You need to stop comparing and complaining, and just look at your own relationship with your mother in isolation. She helps you out financially and gives you lovely gifts from time to time, this should make you happy! If you feel she isn't loving enough or your relationship excluding the money is not very good, then address that issue with her. It doesn't matter what happens between your sister and your mother, so stop letting envy of that stand in the way of you appreciating what you have got.

Battybird

I'd feel really hurt and upset that you both aren't treated equally.

And your parents paid 100k deposit for your sister's flat???:eek:

Supernatural

All I can say to this thread is thank god I'm an only child...