Preferred child (as adults)

balletshoes

mildred1978 wrote: »

The value is unimportant. Would you spend £10 on one child's birthday present and £500 on the other?

Or 50p on sweets for one child and £20 on the other?

Would you? Really?

no, not intentionally I wouldn't (although I agree completely with Spendless' earlier post on this thread).
There are 2 things here - firstly, neither you nor your sister are children anymore. And secondly, if you feel its unfair and you wish to tell your parent this, then you need to tell them.

Do you think maybe your parents have given more to your sister because they thought you were doing fine on your own/with your OH, and your sister isn't doing as well, and so they think she needs their help more?

I have 2 sisters and one brother - all 3 of us sisters have made our own way in the world, we are all settled with homes of our own, families etc. My brother hasn't and isn't. Even though he is in his mid-thirties now, whenever he needs help he knows he can ask my Mum, and if she can help, she will. This includes financial help when he needs it. I don't grudge him this at all - we don't need money from my parent, sometimes my brother does.

balletshoes

mildred1978 wrote: »

I didn't see anything saying that people with money can't post on this forum. I believe Martin Lewis is a millionnaire several times over

Point is that the value of the gifts is not important - the principle is the same. If you had £20 in your purse, and that was all the money you had, how would you split it between 2 children? 50/50? 60/40? 90/10?

if that was all the money I had, neither child would be getting any of it!

polejunkie

I think the OP has underestimated the cost of her trip to vegas by a considerable amount unless the parents decided to send her via easyjet and put her up in the chucky cheese lodge.

As for treating my children, I dont always treat them equally at the same time but eventually it evens out.

Can I ask are you and your sister both married? Did they contribute to your wedding?

balletshoes

mildred1978 wrote: »

Those of you that think I'm spoilt, I have a question.

If you won a million on the lottery, would you treat your friends and family or keep every penny to yourself? Would you buy one sibling a house and another a ticket to the opera, or would you try to spend similar amounts?

I think you need to stop asking what others would do - as clearly we all have different ideas, and the only one which matters, in your situation, are the ideas of your mother, who is the one spending all the dosh (which you told her to do, yes?).

Chickenopolis

This is a "wind up" right?

CRANKY40

My dad has always spent more on my sister and her family than on me. It doesn't mean he loves me less - she has always just been more openly skint than me, lol. Look at it another way - maybe your mum is sure of your love for her, but is trying to buy your sisters affection. If I was you I'd talk it over with your mum. Tell her it's not the value of the presents that bothers you, just that it's making you feel a bit unwanted. Only your mum has the answer I'm afraid. I hope it's one that you want to hear.

QueenieB

You feel how you feel, but that doesn't make you "right" and someone else "wrong".
You've said that you've told your mother that she should be spending her money on herself and not you, and also that she doesn't give you lavish gifts.Might these two things not be connected? Perhaps she thinks it's lovely to have a daughter who thinks like this, and is relieved that both of her children are not shallow and interested only in diamonds and cars? Maybe she feels more secure in her relationship with you and hence does not feel the need to justify her presence in your life with gifts or cash?
My parents have fairly limited means, but my youngest sister has always been their golden child. Where I was absolutely forbidden from learning to drive, her lessons were paid for and she was given a car. Huge sacrifices were made so that she could have what she wanted and I was pressured into doing the same (I had very little cash, but some land which I was nagged into letting her use free of charge for her wretched horses, for example). I used to wonder why, but now I don't especially care. As the parent of 3 (soon to be 4) children, I know that your parenting style changes with each one, as idealism and principles give way to exhaustion and realism.
You haven't been ignored completely, and most importantly you still have a relationship with your parents. When they die, it will be the time spent (or not spent) with them which will matter most.Real peace comes from knowing that you did your best for your parent before their death, and not from a totting-up of what they did for you.
I think the most peaceful way for you to go would be to work on accepting that your mother makes decisions that you consider hurtful, but there is probably no real intent to hurt you. She is what she is, and since none of us is perfect then that has to be enough. (Or as MrQ describes my mother "What do you expect from a horse but a kick?"!)

Imelda

There is a disparity between the treatment of my sister and I by my parents, it even led us to fall out for over two years! However, I got over myself, realised it's not worth losing my family over and put it behind me.

Financially we are probably on an equal footing, but I think they just see her as needing them more than I do. I am very independent, always have been and have always been able to look after myself. Maybe that's how they see you?

scottishminnie

I can totally sympathise with the OP. I've been in a similar situation for years. Please note -the amounts of cash/gifts are not similar before we get a thousand posts telling me I'm a spoiled b***ch.

The OP is making a point about principle, not cash. Sadly what appears to be jealousy has derailed that.

Throughout my life the treatment between my younger sister and I has been markedly different. For example - from age 13 I had a weekend job to pay for my school uniforms and contribute to the household income - she didn't ever have a weekend job as she didn't like working inside. My parents have bailed her out financially and emotionally countless times over the years whilst I've been totally self sufficient. I've always taken the view I would go barefoot and starve before I asked my parents to support me as they have enough to deal with and aren't getting any younger.

On one occasion I raised it with my mother who was very honest with me and told me that she knew I was reliable and hard working and would never cause her any grief whereas my sister lurches from one crisis to another. She also said she found my sister cold and not particularly loving and felt the need to make more effort with her.
She did admit that I was an unplanned baby and she wasn't "ready" for me but felt I had turned out ok despite this whereas my sister was very much planned and wanted and should have turned out perfectly.
What did stun me though was her admission though that she "liked " my sister better - she couldn't explain why, she just did.
She pretty much summed it up by saying it maybe it wasn't right but that was just how it was and I would have to get used to it.

I guess I'll have to live with it. I do bitterly regret not emigrating a few years back but I made the mistake of telling my sister I was thinking about it and before I knew it she had announced to my parents she had applied for and been granted a visa to go live in Australia so she wouldn't be able to help out with them or their business in the future. I've been too caring for my own good - don't make the same mistake I did.

SailorSam

As much as i love my Mum and miss her everyday.
I've been there and got the tee shirt .
I know exactly how you feel Mildred.