Preferred child (as adults)

scottishminnie

Soubrette wrote: »

I'm glad you're back:j, I was worried I'd ruined your day through hamfisted typing

it's what I get for reading something and taking the first interpretation of it without thinking:o

mildred1978

FBaby wrote: »

So your mum spends more money on your sister... so what? You say you are well off, so don't need the financial assistance, so why does it matter?

My sister is equally well off. These things aren't given through need.

FBaby wrote: »

Are you judging your mum's love on the basis of the money she spends on both of you?

It's one of many factors.

FBaby wrote: »

You say that you get to see her more often, 3 times more than your sister as a matter of fact, so aren't you the lucky one to have more one-to-one time and attention from your mother? Or is this not comparable?

We see her for 3-4 hours per fortnight. That's against 84 hours (ish) every 6 weeks spent with my sister.

FBaby wrote: »

I find your attitude quite immature and before you react to this, yes, I know what it is like. My sister is 20 years younger than I, and has the mum I always wished I had for myself. My mum's life has been dedicated to my sister since she was born, making up for the mother she wasn't for me. So what???? Live goes on... I have the relationship I have with my mum, and I certainly don't resent my sister for the way my mum is with her. I have made my own life and don't need her attention or money.

With respect, 20 years is close to a generation difference. There's just 2 years between my sister and I. I think you're comparing apples and pears.

FBaby wrote: »

One thing your thread is making me realise is that I will never spoil my kids with money. My partner and I are too doing very well financially, and when my parents pass away, I will get more. I shall make sure not to make this an opportunity to treat my kids in any way if it is to result in them comparing every penny they get.

That's how I feel. I want my son to know the value of money and to understand that it takes hard work to get it. Much of his stuff is second hand despite us being able to afford new.

FBaby wrote: »

What I find most sad is your statement that you wished your mum spent the money on herself, yet you don't seem to have turned down the trip she offered you you were not so keen on to start with. Is it how you feel now that you've realised she was spending more money on your sister than you? It's your mum who would have been better being selfish and spending all the money that has come to her on herself.

My parents booked the holiday as a surprise. Not going still would have cost the money, so I went. I did enjoy it. I value the memories it created, and the photo album I have of the holiday. I was (and still am) grateful for that trip.

Compare that with the car bought for my sister. Forgetting that it cost something like 10 times as much, it was bought "because she'd always wanted one". But my holiday was to somewhere I'd never yearned to go, as opposed to somewhere I did want to go.

I wasn't bothered about not having gifts after my 30th birthday. I believed that was the agreement. My 31st birthday present was a lovely surprise, bought with love and thought. I'm happy not to have further gifts. I don't need them.

But I don't think it's very fair for secret presents, for no occasion, to have continued for my sister.

I want my parents to enjoy life. I want them to buy the things that will ensure their comfort into old age. I don't want an inheritance. I don't want their money or lavish gifts. But I also don't want secrets or bad feeling on any part.

MessyMare

There is something that annoys me about this thread....

you are spoiled. No two ways about it...but so am I...I spoil my niece.... there's a difference between spoiled rotten, the bad one, and spoiled, which many of us are and is also the way many of us treat our children.

The thing that confuses me also is that you had a go at Sparrer, who in fact agreed with you that children should be treated the same...

Are we unwittingly feeding a troll?

Torry_Quine

mildred1978 wrote: »

My parents had little money when we were growing up. We never had foreign holidays or new cars. We certainly didn't have designer trainers or computer games.

My mother's windfall came later in life, long after we'd grown up and moved out. I worked and studied hard in order to get a career - and I progressed quickly. Same for my OH. This time last year we were earning around £120k between us. Presumably earning above minimum wage means I'm spoilt? My husband has to be away from home about 75% of the year to earn what he does. Presumably being at home with the baby also makes me spoilt?

I've just taken redundancy from a £40k job because MONEY DOES NOT MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME. Being able to raise my son is worth far far more.

I'm sorry if the scale of the numbers is beyond your wildest dreams. I earned the grand sum of £2.50 an hour as a teenager. Don't you dare begrudge me feelings because I have made a good job of myself.

I don't begrudge you your feelings they are very real to you but by constantly focusing on something that you cannot change you are doing yourself no favour.

The money obviously is the key factor as you keep bringing it up. The thing is that your mother is free to do what she wants and you did tell her not to spend her money on you so complaining that she doesn't seems rather peverse.

I am glad that you are able to have a good standard of living and be at home with your baby but that is an entirely seperate issue.

mildred1978 wrote: »

Those of you that think I'm spoilt, I have a question.

If you won a million on the lottery, would you treat your friends and family or keep every penny to yourself? Would you buy one sibling a house and another a ticket to the opera, or would you try to spend similar amounts?

Were I to have a large windfall then I may well spoil/treat my family and friends but would get what they wanted/needed and I wouldn't be so bothered about making sure the exact amount was spent on them. It would also depend on the individuals' exact circumstances

ColleenPamela wrote: »

There is something that annoys me about this thread....

you are spoiled. No two ways about it...but so am I...I spoil my niece.... there's a difference between spoiled rotten, the bad one, and spoiled, which many of us are and is also the way many of us treat our children.

The thing that confuses me also is that you had a go at Sparrer, who in fact agreed with you that children should be treated the same...

Are we unwittingly feeding a troll?

Yes she doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word spoiled.

mildred1978

ColleenPamela wrote: »

The thing that confuses me also is that you had a go at Sparrer, who in fact agreed with you that children should be treated the same...

Are we unwittingly feeding a troll?

I didn't read it as them agreeing with me...........??

MessyMare

mildred1978 wrote: »

I didn't read it as them agreeing with me...........??

In post #99 she (sorry if you're a he sparrer!) states that she'd never dream of treating her children differently, which in essence, should tell you that to a certain extent your feelings are justified.

However, your implied attitude when replying to people may be what is putting them off; if I was the OP of this thread I'd be quite interested in the totally mixed bag of replies..

FBaby

What I don't understand is why you are obsessing about it so much. You are going into such detail comparison which must be demanding quite a bit of thinking on your part, for what? Why do you care so much when:
- you don't need the money, you have plenty yourself
- you don't believe in the value of worth through possessions
- you don't value love through money
- you are not jealous of your sister

Why do you so badly feel you need to compare yourself to your sister? Do you have a competitive thing going on between the two of you? Why can't you feel satisfied through what you have accomplished for yourself?

I have spoken about my half sister on my mother's side, but I also have a half sister on my father side. She is 4 years younger than me and she is due to inherit a fortune from her mother's side whilst I won't, even though my dad supported my step-mum and sister their entire lives. Am I bitter? No because that's her life and the knowledge of plenty of money coming her way is certainly not making her happy. I have fought for everything I have, as a single mum with no help from anyone (except for some tax credits for childcare) and that feeling of achievement makes me feel ten times better about myself than any expensive present my parents could give me. You clearly have achieved a lot too, that's why I just can't understand why this matter is bothering you so much, unless you are much more materialistic than you are admitting to on this thread.

lostinrates

OP, do you have a close relationship with your sister? How did you discover the ''secret gifts''?

balletshoes

OP if you want people to tell you its not fair that your sister gets so much more than you do from your parents - you're right, its not fair. So accepting that - what are you going to do about it? The only thing you can control in this situation is how you react to it, you can't stop your mum buying expensive stuff for your sister.

mildred1978

lostinrates wrote: »

OP, do you have a close relationship with your sister? How did you discover the ''secret gifts''?

My sister texted me complaining that every time mum and dad visit her it costs her £25 admin charge to add things to her house insurance, plus an increased premium.

We aren't very close but we get on okay.