Preferred child (as adults)

Spendless

mumps wrote: »

It happens in families. In my family it was my younger brother, I suppose after two girls a late, surprise boy was exciting, and he always got more than us. In part it was because there was more money around, in part I think it was linked to my father being very ill for several years and then dying while my brother was still quite small. It went on after dad died, including him being given a collection of gold coins that had been my fathers, I think he got that when he was 21. It has never bothered me or my sister except for one thing, he was given my fathers medals from WWII. He hardly remembers dad, I used to go to Remembrance Day with him and polish his medals before we went. It hurt me so much as they would have meant far more to me than they do to him, he said one day when he had moved house that he didn't know where they were, I could have cried. I comfort myself with the thught that I knew and loved my dad and he missed that.

OP forget it, do your parents love you, spend time with you and your family? That is worth so much more.

Is your mum still alive? If so, is it likely that you and your sister would inherit jewellery from her? I'd also be more likely to give a son a coin collection if I had one. That's because though both my son and daughter may like the coins, my son wouldn't be keen on my silver charm bracelet, gold bangle or ladies watch. There was quite possibly the same line of thinking over the medals too, or maybe that you got more of your Dad in your life than your brother did.

kettlefish

Being treated fairly doesn't always mean being treated the same, and certainly rarely means getting the exact same amount of material gifts when well into your thirties!

You say you and your husband are well off through your own hard work - so your mum and dad bought you a holiday they knew you'd both love as an 'extra'. Your sister isn't married, and wouldn't have someone to share a trip of a lifetime with, so they got her a car which they knew she'd love as an 'extra'. Both sisters happy - so does it matter which cost more?!

My brother is 20 and still lives at home, and has been more financially supported by my mum and day, due to his personal circumstances. I'm sure he and my youngest brother will get help with their deposits when the time comes to buy a house. I didn't get anything towards a house deposit, but was lucky enough to marry at 21 to someone with his own house already, so it would've been pretty futile. However, I have been fairly treated because my mum and dad help out in other ways - our wedding, possibly childcare etc.

You are so lucky to have parents and a husband who love you, and truly blessed that they're able to express that from time to time with material gifts. I hope you get over this.

mildred1978

kettlefish wrote: »

Being treated fairly doesn't always mean being treated the same, and certainly rarely means getting the exact same amount of material gifts when well into your thirties!

You say you and your husband are well off through your own hard work - so your mum and dad bought you a holiday they knew you'd both love as an 'extra'. Your sister isn't married, and wouldn't have someone to share a trip of a lifetime with, so they got her a car which they knew she'd love as an 'extra'. Both sisters happy - so does it matter which cost more?!

She has a partner who is a husband in all but marriage. They do 6 "trips of a lifetime" per year themselves.

kettlefish wrote: »

BeingYou are so lucky to have parents and a husband who love you, and truly blessed that they're able to express that from time to time with material gifts. I hope you get over this.

That's true. It really isn't the money that is the issue. It's the fact that despite everyone agreeing presents would stop at 30/1, they only did for me, and they've become more frequent for one of us. I don't actually want presents, I just want to feel that I matter as much.

Spendless

Mildred is the 1978 in your username the year you were born?

gwhizz75

hcb42 wrote: »

Incidentally, I dont know how your sister is being charged an admin fee for changing her policy unless your parents take the crown jewels away with them every weekend. THat's a new one on me.

When I tried adding my engagement ring to my policy it was going to more than double what I currently pay... So if the OP's sister is receiving jewellery valued at several thousand pounds, her policy will go up substantially and no doubt there will be an admin fee for changing the policy mid-contract.

OP, I feel really bad for you being in the situation you are in and I do think that some people on this thread have been blinded by the amount of money being spent on the gifts. I get the feeling that what is bothering you is the sentiment and the time and thought behind the gifts as much as anything else.

You do sound quite angry, and I don't blame you for that but I guess for your own sake you either need to talk to your parents, or just try and ignore it. You can't really stop them from buying gifts for your sister, and I don't think you really want them to buy more things for you.... So I suppose the best you can hope for is that after hearing your feelings, your parents will choose to stop spending on both of you rather than continuing with the secret presents for your sister.

Sambucus_Nigra

Mildred - I read this last night and then didn't respond but my take on it is that perhaps your mum is actually trying to win your sister's attention rather than the other way round....ie trying to impress her a little and to keep up with her as she does have a decent income your mum has upped her game to respond to this.

mildred1978

Spendless wrote: »

Mildred is the 1978 in your username the year you were born?

No, I was born in 1976.

1978 is an old PIN.

Why?

FATBALLZ

Ignore the people having a go because your parents are wealthy, they're idiots.

I get this problem as well, while I have had some financial help form my parents while I was growing up (nothing since I was 21 though) which I am grateful for, it does irk me somewhat to watch my parents spend tens of thousands on my other siblings, some of which are older than me. I'm the only one to have given them a grandchild, yet they managed to book a holiday halfway round the world when it was due and missed the birth and didn't meet my child for another week, yet they rearranged another holiday and short notice to go to my brothers graduation (at his second attempt, in his late 20s).

As with you I don't care about the money, it's the unequal treatment that gets me. I also have the same issue with my grandparents on one side favouritising my older siblings (they're the only ones left anything in the will). Sometimes it really makes me feel like I can't be bothered with my family anymore but I just can't be bothered with the confrontation.

Lunar_Eclipse

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

But the value of the gifts has no correlation to love, does it? Only someone who feels a lack of self worth for whatever reason would equate it with that in my opinion.

I don't think that's got anything to do with it. I'm also really surprised that some posters seem to think the OP is over reacting.

I completely understand the OP's feelings and think this inequity can be called poor parenting at best. It is a very unusual way to treat siblings in my experience.

If I were in this situation personally, I would discuss it with my parents. I would simply let them know that you have noticed what appears to be (maybe it's not as it seems) a vast difference in the gifts they give to you and your sister and whilst it is entirely up to them how they spend their money and the presents they give, that you would like to understand the logic behind their actions in this area since it has upset you. I would actually find myself wondering whether we were both their biological children. Talk about it calmly and see what they say.

ETA: just read the bit about your sister texting you to brag about receiving gifts and putting them on to insurance. That is outrageous, but could be your opening statement to you mum "sister is finding it a bit inconvenient to keep changing her house insurance, perhaps you should consider discussing expensive jewellery with her before just turning up with it..." She might be making it all up for all you know!

Spendless

mildred1978 wrote: »

No, I was born in 1976.

1978 is an old PIN.

Why?

Just because in her early 30s my SIL was something like 33 for 2 years running, and only realised as she had her 35th birthday, that she'd forgotten to be 34. I did something similar a few years back, couldn't remember my age and had to think instead how old I'd been when I had DD and then add her age on. I just wondered if you'd done similar about which birthday(s) you hadn't received a main present from your parents on, compared to your sister. Obviously that is not the case.:)