Confused and upset.

Notsosharp

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

He says i am just paranoid about him leaving me for anyone else and that i "should sort my head out", i am "a mental person who needs help" etc etc.. I asked where he had been yesterday and he refused to say.

Hi,

I've not posted on here in such a long time but as soon as I saw that I felt I had to. To me your husband seems abusive, I know it's not physical but putting someone down and saying stuff like that is a way of putting them down and making them feel inferior therefore making them easier to control, and easier for the other person to worm their way out of things and deny responsibility for his own actions! I think he knew you caught him the other night, hence today's disappearing act!

Those words jumped out at me because an ex of mine was having an affair for years but he would say that sort of stuff to me, even when I found a pair of red pants that very definitely weren't mine down the back of the sofa! (Not that I'm saying yours is but I think he would if your friend gave him the green light).

He says pretty much the same thing now when we are argueing over contact with our daughter and I NEVER go to him for help because thats the sort of response I would receive.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't sound like he is making you very happy OP and I think that even though you have a child together and things he is never really going to love you the way you want him to.

You know what you saw and to make out like you were seeing things and it was all in your head is completely and utterly unfair and manipulative, in all honesty although its hard (believe me I know) you'd be better off on your own.

Failing that tell him to google Narcissistic personality disorder because I think hes the mental one.

January20

grey_lady wrote: »

This thread is a joke right? No-one would stay in such a crap relationship surely?

You know in the past I would have had the same reaction, but then I have witnessed certain thing that happen with my neighbour and her husband, and she has told me certain things, and do you thing she is going to leave him? People and relationships are complicated.

Sometimes, you live in a situation and you are so used to it, you think it's ok, every one lives like that (actually I'm sure there was a poster saying this as well today about her own family life).

Sometimes, there are financial implications. Sometimes, the person is so abuse and has lost so much confidence in themselves that they don't think they deserve better or as in this case believe that it is all their fault, when we as outsider see the situation in a very different light.

tinktinktinkerbell

oh hell no i would not put up with that crap

i would have pulled him up on the stag night and not married him

SingleSue

grey_lady wrote: »

This thread is a joke right? No-one would stay in such a crap relationship surely?

You would think so wouldn't you.......but the reality can be somewhat different.

I am an intelligent woman, very independent in my youth and no shrinking violet but I was left a quivering wreck with absolutely no self confidence spending all my time just trying to keep my now ex husband happy, to stop his outbursts, to stop the plates flying through the air, the fists through doors and walls, his insults.

It was a gradual eroding of my confidence (we were together for nearly 20 years), little remarks about my weight being more than it should (strangely, he hated it when I lost weight, saying I had lost my womanly curves and it made me less sexy..probably because I gained confidence) here and there, about my capabilities as a parent, in bed etc until everything came down to what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go etc. It was so gradual, I didn't even notice what was happening and didn't realise just how bad things had become until the day he walked out of the house after we split.

The relief we felt was immense, no more feeling like we were walking on eggshells, the ability to be able to discuss the boys' day at school without plates winging their way across the table, the freedom for youngest son to make his creations without worrying about his father stomping on them in anger.

OP - I can relate to so much in your posts, please please find a way to make your life better. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to regain the confidence and self esteem.

threemuttleys

I have no advice OP, but I just wanted to give you a gentle hug. Your H sounds a complete bum hole, no one deserves to be treated in this manner.

I think the Beyonce song (Irreplaceable) is apt here!

Steel_2

Sounds like he thinks the best form of defence is attack. To have the front to balls out deny it all and turn it back on you is fairly cowardly and then to sulk like a teenager?

Glad you stuck to your guns bigmomma and insisted you saw and heard what you did. Keep on sticking to it, even when he tries to convince you otherwise. Don't let him try and muddy the truth. Just remember when he's putting you down and verbally attacking you it's to distract you so you'll drop the subject. Don't. Ignore the nasty comments, he's saying them on purpose. Keep cool, icy cool when he's throwing a wobbler and never let him scare you into backing down.

Don't settle for a person that makes you feel this bad. It's affecting your physical health, not to mention your mental health. Your blood pressure is probably high because you have to walk on eggshells all the time. And if you're doing it, so will your child in time and that's no way for a small kid to live. Or you for that matter.

There's nothing noble about staying in a relationship that grinds you down and where you can't be yourself because of fear of a reaction from someone who supposedly loves you.

go_cat

This is nothing to do with your weight ... this is to do with a man who doesn't respect you and cannot admit the truth.

He will probably continue to deny it make out its all you and there is something wrong with you .... this will eat away at you until you will probably doubt what you actually saw

The only way to stop this is to play him at his own game and walk away .... this is not an equal relationship ...sorry!

delain

SingleSue is absolutely right... Something very similar happened to me. No one who knew me before I met the ex would have said that I'd let myself be treated like that, but it happens, because they do take all your confidence and your friends away.

In my case, he would 'ban' me from seeing people for the flimsiest reasons and say it was for my own good, whilst expecting me to associate with the people where we lived (and he'd told them all I had mental problems and imagined things - and not to mention it to me - I don't!) I later realised that the people he wanted to keep me away from were the people who cared enough to intervene, or offer me a place to go.

Obviously whilst working so hard to tell me I'm so worthless that no one even wants to look at me - He didn't want me to see people who'd tell me otherwise.

OP Get out now, unless you want to have a similar story. My DD1 was three when I finally got out, and she was very affected by it, and the fact that after I left he told her all sorts of things a three year old has no business hearing. I feel she is still affected by it now (although she thinks the sun shines out of his bum, she doesn't consciously remember the worst of it) but she has very low self esteem and I feel so so guilty for putting her through it.

Pollycat

bigmomma051204 wrote: »

Hi all. Thanks for all the comments (even the bickering ones...!!! ooh how many exclamation marks did i just use..?!)

Well, he finally came home at about midnight last night. I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it and got so angry that i was a bit scared (not violent but just extremely angry, red in face and pushing me away etc) and in the end i gave up trying.

So, tried again this morning and all i got was denials about it all. He denied that he had been doing anything. Said that i must have put the photo there and he just didnt move it cos he thought i had left it there for a reason (such as what who knows!!). I then reminded him about what he had said on our hen/stag do about her. He again denied he had said anything untoward. I kept to my guns and said i had heard him and i had seen him etc but he just was very stubborn and refused to accept what i was saying to him. He says i am just paranoid about him leaving me for anyone else and that i "should sort my head out", i am "a mental person who needs help" etc etc.. I asked where he had been yesterday and he refused to say.
I know he wasnt with my friend as she was out with her mum and younger brother at the seaside for her mums birthday (spoke to her during the afternoon and spoke to her mum to say happy birthday so doubt anything fishy was going on with them there too!) Again, i have total faith in my friend, i DO have "friends" who i wouldnt be so trusting of it it was them in the pic etc, but her i do trust totally)
He has been ignoring me all day, refusing to speak to me and leaving the room when i enter it. He said i am too "in his face" and need to "back off" when i try to speak to him so i gave up earlier. God knows what i should do. It isnt as easy as just ending things as we are married, have a child and live together. Financially i am the main earner but couldnt stay living where we are without financial contributions from him. This is just a nightmare

OP, I think you have a lot of hard thinking ahead of you.

I think your OH has treated (and is continuing to treat) you disgracefully.

I'm pleased to hear that your OH wasn't "with your 'friend' coming up with a way to cover up their affair" as a couple of posters suggested and that your faith in her is justified.
FWIW, I thought that piece of baseless conjecture was something you just did not need at the time.

I appreciate that this must be a pretty embarassing situation for you but is there anyone who you could confide in?

Talking of embarassment, I wonder if that's why he disappeared for so long yesterday and why he seemed so agressive towards you - he was embarassed because he knew you'd seen him masturbating.
That's no excuse but it could explain his mood.
They do say attack is the best form of defence and it sounds like he was trying to put you in the wrong.

415SanFran

I know I will be shot down for this comment, but here goes.

As someone has already pointed out, the person is Narcissistic, which makes you an enabler, you are letting him get away with this dreadful behavior.
Your allowing him to behave like a spoiled toddler, and while you let him behave like this he will take it further and further till one of two things happen.

Option one...... For him is to grind you further down to the point that you really are not able to do anything without his permission, while he does just as he pleases. With no recourse. Or accountability.

Option two, the next time (and there WILL BE A NEXT TIME) You say OK, so I am fat, crazy, and whatever other insult you can lay your tounge to. What EXACTLY do you see in me? If I am that much of a mess, why don't you just leave NOW?

I really do feel that SOME of this IS your fault, you have allowed him to get away with treating you this way.

You can only be treated as badly as YOU LET someone.

Also, you will NEVER meet MR Right while you are with Mr Wrong!