Am so stressed I could scream.....

Darlyd

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Regarding making repulsive noises, I suggest a set of silicon earplugs if the parental selective deafness isn't working.

With the sweet wrappers, my DD will do that just because she is 12 and a lazy mare who can't think beyond whatever she has put into her mouth at times. She soon discovered the bin when I stopped buying anything remotely resembling treats and couldn't get into the kitchen to cook her dinner because she had left all her junk everywhere. If she did something that resulted in her losing out - like your sausage example, I would walk away with nothing more than a mild 'oh dear'.

If she is committing criminal offences - which is what the text and internet messages are - then you are perfectly reasonable in cutting off her access to them, just as any responsible parent would remove a violent child's access to anything that could be used as a weapon. I would be inclined to have the phone cut off as well. If there are any comments, 'don't need it so it's been disconnected'.We need the landline for broadband, we let her use it to call nanny but after 6pm only, the above, she took the phone before 6pm.


With her trying to extort money from someone else - I never realised that this was the sort of behaviour you were working double shifts to reward with parties. You can't buy good behaviour.Have just let her have a sleep over, but I don't think the kids she invited will come, as she has been quite nasty to them, one kid messaged her on her new fb account (she set up at a friends), telling her she sorry she could not make it as she is away, DD1 decided to tell her to f off, and that she had to pay me (her mum) £70 for her pamper party (Which dd1 knew I never booked, as it was not a good idea)


I have seen plenty of grandparents who excuse the most appalling behaviour in their grandchildren by blaming the parent instead. The thing is that the child knows that Nanny is a sucker and pretends to be sweet and kind and misunderstood. Which shows that they have understanding and control over their behaviour. I have also seen absolutely vile children getting away with murder with their parents as they have convinced them that the sibling is the bad one. At the moment, if she is suitably unpleasant, she probably knows that you will send her off to have fun with someone else.

Has grandma been asked to have her permanently? You might find that she would change her tune if there was a prospect of having to deal with her 24/7 - and even if she doesn't, it might be a place where they are both happier. You too. Perhaps a longer stay would result in grandma seeing what she is really like, perhaps she would flourish there. She stayed with my parents for 9 months as I could not cope with her, she was horrid to DD2, and threatened to stab me, I had to give all sharp objects to my neighbour, and lock the windows, she had a tendency to sneak out after curfew. BUT my Dad told my mum he was going to leave, as he could not cope with her, my mum would never punish her, she was a nightmare there too, and really disrespected my dad, and stole money from them... I have noticed money going missing from me too, i keep my bag in the car now..

It's a hard thing to consider, but boarding school and leaving the rest of your family sound bad, too - and there is little chance that your DD will miraculously improve if you were to move out. She is not a bright child, her school report shows this, i doubt boarding school would be right, and the fact we could not possibly afford it.


In the end, she could just be a thoroughly unpleasant person and the 'bullying' was in fact retribution for being unpleasant even for a small child - the pack rules of large families are different to those of the lonely single parent with one child. It might be that the only way to save her being dealt with by someone much bigger, tougher and carrying a weapon is to consider whether it is in her best interests to stay with you or be somewhere else.

MIL took the kids out today, and has offered to take them again tomorrow, I am only working evening for few hours tomorrow, so I will catch up on house work whilst kids go out, they want to go, so I won't stop them, DD1 has to be home for 3pm though as we need to pack her suit case ready for her month of adventure (3 weeks in at my parents, and a week in switzerland and disney land with guides from that she was a member off before we moved).

We have spoken tonight, DD2 went to bed and DD1 has helped me put glitter on a mirror frame, messy but fun. She has just gone up now. bit late I know, but don't time just fly?

Will miss her when she goes away, but we need this break. Only thing that worries me is, Nanny has DD1 phone, and I have asked her not to give it back to DD1, but I feel she will. (My dad tried blocking internet, via network but she managed to unblock it, And it's the fact she will start texting nasty messages to people).

alyth

Money_maker wrote: »

Alyth is right, though, you are really meant to be a ray of sunshine to the clients and support for them not vice versa. We used to have a carer who would go in to each client pouring out tales of woe about her OH who was apparently abusive :eek:. This eventually stopped when one poor bedbound lady had enough of being a sitting target for months - she used to dread the arrival of this carer who affected her health in a negative way.

You do however, have my sympathies - it sounds as though each and every one of you are desperately unhappy. No answers from me but in the case of disharmony in the family, I always think that everyone should eat at least one meal together every day and spend some time afterwards just talking.

Can I just say that I have sweated blood today, worrying about the post that I made on this thread - I don't tend to post on MSE very often, I lurk rather than post, but I have an 87 year old next door neighbour who has just started to have carers coming in to look after her, and yesterday when I went in to see her, she mentioned specifically the fact that one carer had told her about a family issue. I really didn't want to worry the OP, but I also didn't want he situation to be made worse than it perhaps was.

Darlyd

alyth wrote: »

Can I just say that I have sweated blood today, worrying about the post that I made on this thread - I don't tend to post on MSE very often, I lurk rather than post, but I have an 87 year old next door neighbour who has just started to have carers coming in to look after her, and yesterday when I went in to see her, she mentioned specifically the fact that one carer had told her about a family issue. I really didn't want to worry the OP, but I also didn't want he situation to be made worse than it perhaps was.

Oh I understand, under no circumstances do I go in and sob infront of clients. But the married couple I go too, the husband is the one we care for, we put him to bed, and me and other carer sits and has a cuppa with the wife, and talk about all sorts. Wife was not there when I went the other night, was a sitter who we know, and we chatted...

Last thing I would do is tell clients of my circumstances, god they could tell anyone, I would never do that. In this job, you know how much you can tell someone. Other clients I visit, we talk about food, weather, and them, what they did, what they used to do, what they would liek to do, etc you know that sort of stuff.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nanny can deal with the consequences if she is reported to the police then. Which, if they include her being taken into care, would be the knowledge that she provided the means for committing a criminal offence. It is ridiculous how many people think that abusive messages are nothing. They change their tune when the police are involved though. Of course, you could report the phone as being lost - that would stop it working. Would be better than the network doing it because she is breaking the law.


Children with behavioural difficulties can be educated at special boarding schools for free. For example, in Rutland there is/was a school for boys that had children with far fewer issues than the ones you describe, as well as worse ones.

Sometimes you have to toughen up without meeting fire with fire. In this case, calm but unmovable sounds like a good idea. You can 'disconnect' the phone by getting rid of it and keeping the broadband. To say the phone cannot be stopped is incorrect; seems like you are trying to defeat the suggestions as they might make her a bit cross. Your Dad snapping the SIM in half would also solve the problem - she'd still have the phone, it just wouldn't work.


Mind you, had my daughters ever threatened to stab me, they wouldn't have been told off, they would have been flattened, then I would have pressed charges and not let them go off to Nanny for a bit of fun (and I haven't ever laid a finger on my children, btw). I wonder if she is doing similar to smaller kids at school? I was stabbed by a bully like this when I was 15 - in defending myself, I battered the girl that did it to me senseless. You want the same for your daughter? These days, big brothers and sisters don't just have knives, they have guns, gangs and many means of punishment.


I know it's hard, but if you don't address it now, what happens when she is 18 and able to be tried as an adult? And actually succeeds in stabbing you? Seems like she is quite capable of being pleasant when she wants to be - after all, she's rewarding you for paying for the holidays by glueing a bit of glitter down. And punishes you by picking on the little ones or making a mess if you don't obey her. Seems like she's using behaviour modification techniques on you quite effectively, and is reaping the benefits - fancy holidays, money, McDonald's parties, phones, everything she wants.


And I do suspect that what you will miss is the image in your head of what she could be like, not the reality of what she is like.

Darlyd

Her head of year (well last term's head of year) Told me that the next step with her behaviour, as she is very disruptive, writes nasty notes, and does not obey the teachers, also tells them to f off, is to go to a unit the other side of town. Which I said if that has to happen, then that has to happen. He also told me, certain kids she is a cow too (yes he used that word) comes from rough areas and to be careful, I let her walk to school, but I have to pick her up every day because of this, I fear for her safety I really do.

If my Dad ripped the sim in half, or broke the phone my mother would buy her a new one, as well as fall out with my dad, and then drive off and stay out for hours worrying DD1 and my Dad. (that is what she is like).

She is a bit of a panickier, and also goes into deep depression, hence me thinking she has inherited mine and my mothers condition. She would not stab anybody, but could get stabbed herself. I really fear for her safety as I have said, it's a scary world out there. And as much as I jokingly would like to get her a flat when she turns 16, I would not.

I really hope (fingers, toes, hair, puppy, legs crossed) that we get a diagnosis and treatment for her asap, before she gets older, and confused and her late teens early 20's get messed up, just like mine did before I was diagnosed proply and treated! I missed out on so much .. Don't want that for her. Even though I had friends, sleep overs, lots of fun as a kid, I feel she has missed out so far due to her not being liked for the way she is..

warriorfullights

I guess she needs a lot of discipline. Just what you have said, it is really challenging for you as a mom to work on this type of situation. It may be challenging, but it can be fixed. A lot of moms encountered the same thing and were able to managed the stress children bring to them. Relaxing your mind would do and try to add prayer in your daily life. It helps a lot. Try to be a good mom by giving disciplinary measures. But of course, you have to weight it for yourself and make sure that everything will work on smoothly. Good luck to all moms out there having the same problem everyday.

tango

make_me_wise wrote: »

Where do you get off, telling people that they read your posts and interpret things the wrong way :rotfl:

How I percieve your first post is not for you to dictate, that is my perogative. I will form my own views of you without you telling me what I can and cant think, thank you very much.

Other people also questioned your first repsonse to this thread. It came across as rude, not as if you were trying to see if the OP could look at herself from another angle.

You are now on my ignore list so dont bother flaming me for my views again because I wont be able to see it. My choice. Your views are of absolutely no interest to me whatsoever

Oh dear I have been on these forums for a long time and I never had to put any one on ignore, how childish of you ,anyway you won't see this, i will leave this thread now and let you all give your advice which of course is the best advice

CH27

Can your poor Dad not come & stay with you while yor daughter is there?

Leave your daughter & your mum alone to get on with it:D:D