Am so stressed I could scream.....

podperson

Hun, I appreciate that you are feeling at the end of your tether and your OH is being less then supportive. Have you tried talking calmly to your DD about her behaviour - it slightly sounds as though at the moment that things have built up so that everything she is doing is getting to you (for example small things like slurping her milkshake and going on the trampoline) so she is being criticised for everything, has had everything taken off her - ie no tv or internet 'for ever' is not allowed out etc. I'm not saying her behaviour is acceptable but at the moment it doesn't sound there is any incentive for her to behave. Also with the incident where she made breakfast for her sister - I know you were joking when you mentioned the dishes but 12 year olds often have no sense of humor so might have been a bit of - nothing's good enough so why bother kind of attitude?
Is there anything she's interested in? Could maybe look at drawing up a list of the main points that you would like her to improve on and if she does then she has an incentive at the end of it. Could you do something just the 2 of you so you can try and spend some time together where you aren't falling out - might relieve the tension a little as well. Good luck with it x

Elle7

Do you think your daughter picks up on all the negative vibes towards her? Your husband doesn't want her there, and has taken away most of the her things, you are at the end of your tether (understandably) and angry at DH for not doing anything, and the only person who probably does humour her a little bit and make her feel...well, homely, maybe? Listened too? And you stop her talking to her.

If you are really feeling the strain right now, phone social services and ask for the duty social worker. Say that you cannot cope, and you need help now. Refuse to be talked down, and someone will come. They won't have the magic answer, and neither with CAMHS, but they might be able to diffuse the situation until your daughter goes to your Mums, and you can calm down.

Then once she comes home, implement a new reward system, or disclipline method. Take back your household, and you'll all be much happier.

My sister was a lot like your daughter. I know it's really, really tough - stick in there.

scottish_lassy

can I throw something else into the mix ................ hormones (hers not yours!). My daughter was a horror for about a year at this stage until her periods started, very moody, lethargic and at times quite depressed. Has she been like this for long?

Darlyd

scottish_lassy wrote: »

can I throw something else into the mix ................ hormones (hers not yours!). My daughter was a horror for about a year at this stage until her periods started, very moody, lethargic and at times quite depressed. Has she been like this for long?

Since she was a baby, never slept, whined a lot, had to be busy all the time, never one for falling asleep in her bouncy in front of the tweenies..

As she was a toddler, she got bullied, it was like she wanted to get bullied, it broke my heart.

Dh does support me, he does take over quite a bit, he just walked in now from work and told her to clean her mess up, she got the play dough out, and it's every where. screaming blah blah, it's still all over the place, I can't wait to go work.

Dh has only said to me, that he don't want her here, and i have said i will have to move out too then, cus she has no where else to go, he said I will support you. (charming).

I will be honest it's not helping that i am suffering mentally. I just can't stand the arguing between the kids, the mess, me rushing around all the time trying to please everyone.

Darlyd

podperson wrote: »

it slightly sounds as though at the moment that things have built up so that everything she is doing is getting to you (for example small things like slurping her milkshake and going on the trampoline)

It's definitely getting to me, she was purposely slurping, when i asked her not too, people were looking, she then gobbed off saying she can do what she wants to do, and did it even more and louder! As for the trampoline, she purposely jumped on it when DD2 was on there ( I have always said 1 at a time) And was jumping high and hard falling over DD2 and DD2 was crying to get off, she could not get off as DD1 was stopping her from exiting. :mad:

Britneyspears

Originally Posted by darlyd
Dh does not want her here, he has told me in the past to move out with her. (she is not his). Her sperm donor has never bothered ever! It's so bad...

The poor kid doesn't even sound wanted! no way would i stay with someone after they said something like that about my child. Also packing her off for X weeks isn't going to really help is it? it's just storing it up for when she comes back

Caroline73_2

'it was like she wanted to get bullied' 'she whined a lot'.

Your OH doesn't want her there, she gets told she cannot ring her grandmother, never allowed on the internet again, your OH threatens to kick a door down.

I don't think her behaviour is the problem. Her behaviour is a reaction to the problem.

Britneyspears

What's the problem with her slurping the drink. The more you bring attention to the things she knows annoy you the more she will do it. If you have severe OCD problems then that must be stressful on your kids if they know about them

Allegra

darlyd wrote: »

I will be honest it's not helping that i am suffering mentally. I just can't stand the arguing between the kids, the mess, me rushing around all the time trying to please everyone.

Is there any way you can get some time off work in order to try and take a bit of pressure off ? One less thing to worry about while you try and figure out a way forward ? Go to the GP and get signed off with stress for a couple of weeks ? It certainly sounds as though you'd genuinely qualify for it !

A few other things that might possibly help a bit:

- try and arrange some 1-2-1 time for you and DD1 while someone else looks after DD2. Take her somewhere where her behaviour is likely to have no impact on other people so you'll not feel stressed about. A bit of quiet woodland somewhere ? If all else fails, you can just leave her there, Hansel-and-Gretel style (JOKE !!!)

- try and put yourself in DD's shoes. Leave all she did to deserve the punishment out of the picture - imagine she has a condition that does not allow her to see a connection between cause and effect (she sounds like she well might, btw, but leave that to one side for a bit, for the moment you are just pretending). If you were her under those circumstances, how would you feel ? All the fun things have been taken away from her, what has she got to live for ? Perhaps there is no wonder she is full of rage....

- think about positive reinforcements, even if they sound like something more appropriate for a 3 year old than a 12 year old. Her emotional maturity might well be at the level of a 3 year old. Keep it real, simple and easy to achieve. Say, an hour of good behaviour (decide what good behaviour is, and again, keep it simple - no shouting, kicking or hitting, for instance, but milkshake slurping and similar can be ignored for that hour) buys 15 minutes on the internet. Two hours allows her to watch a half hour programme. A whole morning/evening for an hour's viewing, etc.

- Keep trying even if it does not seem to work at first. If she is easily distracted/has poor sense of time, reduce the length of good behaviour required in order to give her a chance to actually earn her reward. Be prepared for the long haul - the situation did not get this bad overnight, it won't get better overnight, either.

- Give plenty of attention to good behaviour, none (if possible - I know it isn't if she is dangerous to herself or her younger sister) to bad behaviour. That means no negative attention, either - no shouting, nagging, no nothing.

And hang on in there, it can get better, hard work though it can be

Rochelle

I truly feel for you big time, my best friend has a daughter who she can not control but i step in and take her and she is good as gold for me.From what i have read you are struggling big time and why are social services not stepping in and giving you some help.Your DH is so out of order to say he does not want here at home, he is a big grown up and if he is not happy with the situation and can not step in to help you then he has to go and not her.How does he treat her and is he the dad to your other daughter and does he treat them all the same.
Can you not possibly enquire about her going to boarding school, social services might be able to help find you a place. Would you consider her going to boarding school, it might work out well as she might realise when she is away from you that she has to behave better as she has no other choice and when she comes home on holidays then hopefully your relationship will improve.You def need some help asap pls call your local social services and do not let them fob you off.
Good luck and i truly hope you get some help very soon xxxx