Am so stressed I could scream.....

gingin_2

tryinbutlovebuyin wrote: »

What do you think it says about her? I'd love to know.

And you think that will help darlyd? Just ignore it.

Polly

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

This will sound pathetic, but it is powerful and it works, I have been working successfully with kids like this for 20 years...and I know that's not the same as living with it (hugs).

Do three things

1. Praise every thing you see her doing that is good - there will be some.
2. Each day, decide one behaviour which is non-negotiable, communicate it clearly to her and explain which priviledge you will remove if she blows it. Be clear what the reward will be if she makes it.
3. Ignore everything else, pick your battles, and one behaviour a day is plenty.

xxx

Good advice for any of us with kids during a long wet summer! :T

Darlyd

IT's hard to disiplin her. She has no tv on in her room, DH took her plug off, she does not deserve it. She never ever aloud on the internet again, DH also took plug off her pc. We have pass codes on our laptops and phones. She has no friends to go out to call for, they don't like her, she is gobby and a trouble maker.

Both kids have vitamins, they love them,... I have to hide them from DD2 she seems to think they are sweets..

I have tried getting her involved with baking cakes, ironing etc but she just does not want to know. she just gobs off...

Don't know what else to try? My mum don't help... example, DD1 said can I ring nanny, I said not till after 6, she grabbed the phone anyway, locked herself in the bathroom on phone to my mum, DH came home from work I told him, he said to her come out now or I will kick door down, she came out still on phone to nanny talking rubbish, he unplugs phone (should of thought of this), she throws phone smashing it, (second one in less than a yr) nanny phones my mobile can i speak to DD1 please, I said no hung up, then she starts texting me rubbish about how I don't let her do anything (!!!!!!) and it's my fault why she is like she is. (again !!!!!!). The next thing I know my mum has send me £50 for the calls DD1 made and the smashed phone. (she had already sent money for when DD1 smashed our front door in temper.)-Apparently it comes out of DD1's savings...

When we were all together, I say no to DD1 for not having something, next thing mum buys her it. We went camping had to cut it short because she was late back from the venue (haven) and the concert already started and we knew we would not get a seat plus she was gobbing off so didnt deserve it, but she put a hole in the door (it was rented) so we cut it short.. next thing I knew my mum booked haven again few weeks later. For just them 2, I should not of let her go, but my Dad talked me round, he needed a break from my mum and i needed a break from DD1.. argh

pigpen

My boys broke their bedroom door.. it hasn't been replaced.. Their loss.

You do realise that whatever CAMHS or whoever says YOU are the one who will have to implement change.. They won't come round, wave a wand dangle a label around her neck and all will be fixed.. this is something YOU have to deal with and find ways to cope with. I cannot understand why you have not found some way to keep her in check before now.. I think our darkest days with my boys they were about 7/8 and we hit a point of 'this cannot continue' so we found ways to deal with their behaviours.

I know it is horrible, I know it is hard but I also think you need to take some of the responsibility for her behaviour you have enabled this to continue whether consciously or not 'anything to keep the peace' you have now to live with the consequences of that and it is so much easier pulling a 7 y/o into line than a 12 y/o. There is no easy fix, no quick way it is darn hard work

Have you considered family therapy? OH too.. he needs to grow up and start being more supportive this might teach him how... he took on DD when he took you on.. I don't suppose you kept her a secret!
Parenting courses?

If all else fails.. go with it..scream... releasing some of that anger and frustration and emotion will probably help.

For us the first and last weeks of the holidays are the worst by far.

And you need to have words with your mum, allowing her to undermine you is noton.. if she buys stuff you said no to.. take it off DD, tell your mum SHE caused any upset that ensues by her deliberate disregard of your rights as the mum and don't give it back until earned (or just take it back to the shop if you can) a re-booked holiday.. I wouldn't have gone.. she either gets with the plan of boudaries and punishments or her punishment is no time with DD.. she sounds like she is a nasty spoiled brat of a woman too!

Learn to say no and stand by it!

Gillyx

She put a hole in the door while you were on holiday? Does she scare/threaten you? I really don't know what to suggest but I can understand why you're stressed.

I'd say all girls going into there teens tend to be gobby ( I should know, I was terrible ) but not to the stage where she is smashing things up etc. I'm not sure what CAHMS or CAF is but I assume it's organisations to help you out with daughter. Have they tested for any sort of official behavioural problems?

tango

darlyd wrote: »

I don't know. Suppose I am a bad mum for even trying.

Or that I am severely depressed?

I am so confused..

My ears are ringing, I have had to lock the back door, and have locked myself in the bedroom with my dog. DD2 is next to me quiet watching tv.

Is your daughter the 'elephant' in the house would you say ?
It is amazing what a hold some children can have over us.
Gratefulforhelps post is spot on,but you have to be able to see it through...
The pick your battles is the difficult one,if you don't you will just row and row and there will be no end to it.
It is so hard to keep your mouth shut,but you are going to have to ask yourself everytime is this a battle I want to fight..
And although you may have to do it through gritted teeth praise for anything she does right..

You shouldn't feel that you are a failure,you can say to yourself 'ok I messed that one up but I won't next time'. But raising children is b loody hard,and you are only human.

You know why pebbles are smooth ? Because they let the water run over them or around them, try and use that thought x

Darlyd

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

This will sound pathetic, but it is powerful and it works, I have been working successfully with kids like this for 20 years...and I know that's not the same as living with it (hugs).

Do three things

1. Praise every thing you see her doing that is good - there will be some.
2. Each day, decide one behaviour which is non-negotiable, communicate it clearly to her and explain which priviledge you will remove if she blows it. Be clear what the reward will be if she makes it.
3. Ignore everything else, pick your battles, and one behaviour a day is plenty.

xxx

I try to do that, but DD1 does not do anything to be praised.. Except for yesterday morning she took DD2 downstairs gave her breakfast etc let me have a lay in. So I praised her for that.. And cooked her a mighty fine breakfast, and joked about her doing dishes but she then started shouting and threw her last sausage to the dog.. Then regretted it and blamed me.. :eek:

tryinbutlovebuyin

I really hope you get some support because it sounds like you really need it. Your local health centre / health visitor should be able to offer help or search online.
Failing that it sounds like Supernanny is your next step - and I don't mean that as a joke.
Ref TANGO's post - you are not a bad mum. You just have a child who needs extra work. Being a parent is never easy but stick at it, and look out for that professional help.
Good luck

Darlyd

Yes she runs this house I suppose, I feel to weak to even argue with her anymore, because that is all it is. DH needs to grow some balls. When I am at work he looks after them, and she can kick off over the littlest thing, like last time she got banned from going youth he would not let her out, knowing she will just go up hang about and cause trouble, she started kicking off, smashing things upstairs, locked herself in bathroom shouting out the window, we were abusing her! I was mortified. But next door know what she is like. If only social services would come to our aid, but they don't want to know. I guess they to busy interfering with who don't need it.

Allegra

darlyd wrote: »

Dh does not want her here, he has told me in the past to move out with her. (she is not his).

If I was you, I'd do it. By the sound of it, you'd not be worse off in terms of security, safety, or finances - and you might find that not being piggy-in-the-middle between your partner and your child does wonders not just for your mental health, but also for DD's.

Don't get me wrong, I very much understand the despair a challenging child can bring parents and step-parents to - my better half also happens to be DD's stepfather, so I also understand that the situation can be touchy if allowed to get that way.

But - DD not being his ? If you are his, then she is also ruddy well his too now, like it or not. If he can not support you and treat you as he would want to be treated himself in a challenging situation, then what is the point of him ?