Am so stressed I could scream.....

meritaten

my daughter went through something similar with her son. tantrums, school seemed to have him pegged as the naughty boy - behavioural psych just kept upping the punishments until it seemed that he was permanently without his DS, Xbox, Tv, and was in his room on punishment all because of bad behaviour in school (the bad behaviour at home was mainly about his punishments). I had enough and took DD aside and asked her how she would have felt if she had done something wrong at work then got home and her OH sent her to her room, took her laptop off her, shouted at her and then sent her to work the next day where she spent more time in the corridor or heads office than she did in class! and was this punish bad behaviour ignore good really working? (I thought it was supposed to be the other way round but this Ed Psych was saying that good behaviour was 'normal' and bad behaviour had to be stamped on!
Daughter actually took that on board - starting challenging the Ed Psych who (in frustration I think) arranged for a visiting Proffessor from a leading childrens hospital to assess my grandson.
The resulting report was a massive smack in the face to the Ed Psych - The Prof had diagnosed him as Aspergers Syndrome and that the Punishment Regime by Ed Psych was totally inappropriate!
My daughter now had something she could investigate and work with - she joined the local Aspergers Parents group and made some very valuable contacts - not least the head honcho of the local Child Psychiatric Unit. and others within the schools system.
Two years later and he is a different child at home - they know how to deal with him! and he is much calmer and realises how much he is loved. my daughter also knows that his current school is not dealing with his problems and he is starting a new school with a better special needs unit next term - not that he is thick, just misunderstood as he takes things very very literally and the teachers in his present school dont seem to understand this and chuck him out of class.

Darlyd

gingin wrote: »

Darlyd, I saw you online earlier, so I assume you must have read through the thread. What positive things have happened today, did you act on any of the advice? Maybe you could write small steps you have made on here.

Yes I have been reading this thread in-between working today (Been working all day:(, thank god for iphone). I am seeing things a lot clearer today, Have had a giggle with some colleagues in the office, you know a complete different scenery. DH has also told me he read this thread up to 4.45am this morning, as he noticed I been off and wanted a nose on my laptop to see what I been up too. It's depression I told him, he understands, he read this thread and is scared poopless about me leaving. So am I.

This thread has made me realise I need to change things, I need to take more control and be more dominant.

ali-t

darlyd wrote: »

This thread has made me realise I need to change things, I need to take more control and be more dominant.

You go Girl, now is your time, use it wisely :T

Darlyd

Mad-Frog wrote: »

Daryld you have my sympathies my sister has been through this with her step son and now to a lesser degree with her daughter but you need to be tough, swearing at anyone let alone teachers should be dealt with

Can I ask how was your daughter bullied as a toddler? By who exactly? I was very concerned to read that x

I just replied, and it got lost.. :mad:

In short, she been bullied by kids in play school, and friends kids..

And also a family cross from where I lived, when she was 8, playing in a park behind my nans, their parents pinned her down for their kids to beat her up. Police were called, they were cautioned that was it! Apparently because my EX friend would not let her son who was a witness go to court, they didn't bother to peruse!

gingin_2

darlyd wrote: »

Yes I have been reading this thread in-between working today (Been working all day:(, thank god for iphone). I am seeing things a lot clearer today, Have had a giggle with some colleagues in the office, you know a complete different scenery. DH has also told me he read this thread up to 4.45am this morning, as he noticed I been off and wanted a nose on my laptop to see what I been up too. It's depression I told him, he understands, he read this thread and is scared poopless about me leaving. So am I.

This thread has made me realise I need to change things, I need to take more control and be more dominant.

I've heard you talk positively about your job before, which is not something a lot of people can say so that's one really big plus point in your life.

How about your eldest? Why don't you go and knock on her door or find her and have a chat with her right now and even if she shrugs you off at least you and she know you have tried - if she's rude ignore it.

Darlyd

meritaten wrote: »

my daughter went through something similar with her son. tantrums, school seemed to have him pegged as the naughty boy - behavioural psych just kept upping the punishments until it seemed that he was permanently without his DS, Xbox, Tv, and was in his room on punishment all because of bad behaviour in school (the bad behaviour at home was mainly about his punishments). I had enough and took DD aside and asked her how she would have felt if she had done something wrong at work then got home and her OH sent her to her room, took her laptop off her, shouted at her and then sent her to work the next day where she spent more time in the corridor or heads office than she did in class! and was this punish bad behaviour ignore good really working? (I thought it was supposed to be the other way round but this Ed Psych was saying that good behaviour was 'normal' and bad behaviour had to be stamped on!
Daughter actually took that on board - starting challenging the Ed Psych who (in frustration I think) arranged for a visiting Proffessor from a leading childrens hospital to assess my grandson.
The resulting report was a massive smack in the face to the Ed Psych - The Prof had diagnosed him as Aspergers Syndrome and that the Punishment Regime by Ed Psych was totally inappropriate!
My daughter now had something she could investigate and work with - she joined the local Aspergers Parents group and made some very valuable contacts - not least the head honcho of the local Child Psychiatric Unit. and others within the schools system.
Two years later and he is a different child at home - they know how to deal with him! and he is much calmer and realises how much he is loved. my daughter also knows that his current school is not dealing with his problems and he is starting a new school with a better special needs unit next term - not that he is thick, just misunderstood as he takes things very very literally and the teachers in his present school dont seem to understand this and chuck him out of class.

I don't know how to highlight, but wow Aspergers I never thought of that. She see's the psyciatrist first week of September. But I swear she has BP like me and my mum. But doctor says she is to young? We will see.

meritaten

Darlyd - My daughter is BiPolar - this makes things difficult for her as sometimes she gets things way out of proportion - especially when she is in a 'downswing'! but, her son is definately Aspergers, I suspected this, way before she saw the Ed Psych and hated the way he was dealt with. I saw a very unhappy little boy made even more unhappy by the school, by the Ed Psych and (I hate to say this - but by my daughter) through over-punishment for things he could not help. My grandson felt everyone except me and his grandfather hated him......he came to us at weekends - my daughter thought it was respite for her - but actually it was for my grandson - so I have a lot of sympathy for your mum, who is in the same position I was in - and yes I was accused of spoiling him! but he was a different child with me. funny, kind and I could see how he quickly took in facts about things that interested HIM - when he was allowed to do so! for eg - he loved cars so we found the tv channel DAVE - and he got into reruns of TOP GEAR. then he would look up his fave cars on internet - kept him occupied and out of trouble for hours! and he could recite facts about cars...............you wouldnt believe what he knew! at 10yrs old! He wasnt perfectly behaved - no child is - but he certainly wasnt the monster that the school and my daughter said he was!

pelirocco

darlyd wrote: »

I don't know. Suppose I am a bad mum for even trying.

Or that I am severely depressed?

I am so confused..

My ears are ringing, I have had to lock the back door, and have locked myself in the bedroom with my dog. DD2 is next to me quiet watching tv.

Of course you aren't a bad mum , just someone who is at the end of her tether .

There was many a time when mine were younger i could have just walked out the door and not come back

ChloeB

Hi, I’m not sure if I really have any good advice for you but if you read my past posts you will see I have a son who has the same sort of behaviour issues as your daughter. Although his is down to brain damage and illness the behaviour issues are the same. My heart really goes out to you as it is exhausting at times. I find that I have to choose my battles, you’re not going to win every battle all the time so sometimes its easier to bend a little and find a compromise. Also if I am busy my son will do things to get my attention, usually by swearing or turning he music up, I tend to just ignore him get on with what I need to do and he gets bored after about 5 minutes where if I go and tell him off I am drawn into an argument that will last ages and he has won my attention.

We also use a white board with a reward chart made up on it, these is 10 rules on there. Things like remember your manners, be kind to people, no swearing, no answering back that sort of thing. He gets 10p for every rules everyday. He has a big glass jar on the side and every night we sit at the table and I give him his pound in 10ps and for every tick he has he gets to put the 10p in the jar and for every cross he has to give me the 10p back. We do this as it makes him realise he is losing something by being naughty. At the end of the month he gets to empty the jar and spend it on whatever he wants as it is his money. These probably are not he best of ideas but my son can sit an empty room and play with his own hands for hours so taking things like the television away really didn’t work for us.

We also tend to really exaggerate the happiness when he has done something good. It might just be something simple like washing without having to be told over and over. But its still progress. One on One time may also help. Every night half an hour before bed he has both our full attention and we do what ever he wants from watching Scooby do, playing a board game or just sitting chatting. To have this time he has to get at least 5 ticks a day and really misses it when he doesn’t get it and is a real thing to barter with when he is getting high on crosses for that day! When we started it was hard work but once he got used to it really helped. He is still no angel but not every moment of everyday is a battle anymore. Just try to remember you’re the adult and our kids learn how to play us and draw us into arguments as if we were 10 again! I find sitting in the bathroom for five minutes when it gets really heated helps, just to take a step back and not be drawn into the argument like he wants. I hope this might have been of some help and I wish you luck!.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Regarding making repulsive noises, I suggest a set of silicon earplugs if the parental selective deafness isn't working.

With the sweet wrappers, my DD will do that just because she is 12 and a lazy mare who can't think beyond whatever she has put into her mouth at times. She soon discovered the bin when I stopped buying anything remotely resembling treats and couldn't get into the kitchen to cook her dinner because she had left all her junk everywhere. If she did something that resulted in her losing out - like your sausage example, I would walk away with nothing more than a mild 'oh dear'.

If she is committing criminal offences - which is what the text and internet messages are - then you are perfectly reasonable in cutting off her access to them, just as any responsible parent would remove a violent child's access to anything that could be used as a weapon. I would be inclined to have the phone cut off as well. If there are any comments, 'don't need it so it's been disconnected'.


With her trying to extort money from someone else - I never realised that this was the sort of behaviour you were working double shifts to reward with parties. You can't buy good behaviour.


I have seen plenty of grandparents who excuse the most appalling behaviour in their grandchildren by blaming the parent instead. The thing is that the child knows that Nanny is a sucker and pretends to be sweet and kind and misunderstood. Which shows that they have understanding and control over their behaviour. I have also seen absolutely vile children getting away with murder with their parents as they have convinced them that the sibling is the bad one. At the moment, if she is suitably unpleasant, she probably knows that you will send her off to have fun with someone else.

Has grandma been asked to have her permanently? You might find that she would change her tune if there was a prospect of having to deal with her 24/7 - and even if she doesn't, it might be a place where they are both happier. You too. Perhaps a longer stay would result in grandma seeing what she is really like, perhaps she would flourish there.

It's a hard thing to consider, but boarding school and leaving the rest of your family sound bad, too - and there is little chance that your DD will miraculously improve if you were to move out.


In the end, she could just be a thoroughly unpleasant person and the 'bullying' was in fact retribution for being unpleasant even for a small child - the pack rules of large families are different to those of the lonely single parent with one child. It might be that the only way to save her being dealt with by someone much bigger, tougher and carrying a weapon is to consider whether it is in her best interests to stay with you or be somewhere else.