Am so stressed I could scream.....

fannyanna

darlyd wrote: »

IT's hard to disiplin her. She has no tv on in her room, DH took her plug off, she does not deserve it.

Haven't read everything else.

First of all I can understand why you feel the way that you do.

Your daughter sounds awful - although I'm sure she has her good points too

You say she has no TV or internet. Could you introduce these (supervised internet use) as a reward for good behaviour?

Perhaps you could use a rewards chart for her. I guess they're typically used for younger children but to be honest (sorry if this sounds harsh) her behaviour does seem very childish and it sounds like she acts more like a naughty toddler than a 12 year old girl.

I dont have children so feel free to take what I say with a pinch of salt.

Oh - and however you do it, find some "me time". It sounds like you could use it.

rev229

No answers for you have a 14yrs old son who is as bad and has been since 3 days old! Dreading the holidays which start next week. been under CAHMS, have done all the things they have advised. Social service who are suppose to be supporting us have not been in contact for months. He is an extremely difficult child. Been there, got the T-shirt, read and re-read all the books and watched all the wonderful parenting programmes!! I still have no answers. No matter what me or DH do/done makes no difference. On a positive note we are still married and not grey!! I have learnt to take each days as it comes. If its a good day then that is a bonus, a bad day the hope that tomorrow will be better!!!

Darlyd

Thank you for all the kind words/advice.

I came in from work tonight in tears, I was speaking to a client for ages about all my problems, I just couldn't hold it back, she is such a sweet lady, she has advice me to move out and take a breather, and get rest bite at weekends (DH to have DD2 and perhaps DD1) And I can also be away from a dominant controlling MIL too.. Perhaps DH and I could just date again, see how things go. I know I am severly depressed at the moment, so my thoughts might not be normal, god I can't get my words out proply, i love dh to bits I really do, BUT think a change of scenery would be a good thing.

rev229 big hugs xxx

make_me_wise

It sounds to me hun like you constantly try to be all things to all people. Definately take some time out for yourself before you hit breaking point. Are there any friends you can turn to? Anyone who can just sit and listen and look after you a bit?

Darlyd

make_me_wise wrote: »

It sounds to me hun like you constantly try to be all things to all people. Definately take some time out for yourself before you hit breaking point. Are there any friends you can turn to? Anyone who can just sit and listen and look after you a bit?

I have one friend, not a best friend but a good friend who I met through work, but don't want to involve her really. I feel i can talk to some of my clients, one in particular who has dementia, I can tell her anything and she forgets the next time I go there. The lady I spoke to tonight, is a friend of my client (she sits with him for his wife to have time out) and she was just amazing........

I don't know where to start though, She told me to go into a hostel with DD2 (DD1 is off to Wales for a mnth this weekend), and the council will home me? (this is all going by her DD experience not so long ago)

Then there is work, I can not work in the evenings no more, so will need to take time out, perhaps all of August to get myself settled, and go back when kids back in full day school.

Am hoping DH will understand, i very much doubt, and i spect he might move on to another woman (after all he did few years ago when we were in long distant relationship and fell out because his mum booked holiday for them and him, not us). But I don't really care at the moment, I just need to breath, and hopefully do the right thing by DD1, not DH fault, but he does not help the situation.. I mean he has taken the actual handle off the window in her bedroom to stop her opening it and hanging out, I caught her earlier shouting out to kids (Kids who cant stand her) and as soon as I drove round the corner, kids scarpered. And I logged into her fb just now, (the one she set up at friends house) And there is some right nasty messages from kids.

I think I am going to have to look into sending her to a unit (like her head of yr mentioned would be the next step, she causes to much trouble, and bringing danger to herself, don't think she realises) this is something I need to speak to someone about, but who? I would love to home tutor her but would not know where to start, and of course I would be working during the day, so how would that work? And the fact there would be no restbite.

OK I think that is what I need to do... But I am just scared..

Louise03

Shoot me down in flames here..........but i think she seems a thoroughly unhappy and unloved girl, everything you say about her his negative. When she was a baby she was "whining" now she is "gobbinbg off". I know you are stressed and in the middle of the siuation, Your OH appears to dislike your daughter and I am sorry to say he also sounds brutish and violent. May be you would be more patient with her if you were not taking on board his dislike as well. She appears to have a loving relationship with her Nanny and Nanny appears to be very supportive of her. I think the sending of the money for the phone calls and broken phone wasn't purely to undermine you but Nan's way of trying to appease you and OH.

alyth

I can't comment at all on your home situation as I don't have kids, but one thing that just jumps out at me - speaking to your clients about your situation. You are there to give support to your clients, not the other way about. You may not be giving your clients the support that they need because your mind is not fully on the job you're being paid to do, and that could have awful ramifications should anything happen to any of your clients.

Louise03

Are you saying you are going to leave DH? If so surely you would be entitled to benefits as you have young children. Is your relationship with your parents one that you would be welcome there and could your life be anymore unhappy and stressful than it is now?

delain

Louise03 wrote: »

Shoot me down in flames here..........but i think she seems a thoroughly unhappy and unloved girl, everything you say about her his negative. When she was a baby she was "whining" now she is "gobbinbg off". I know you are stressed and in the middle of the siuation, Your OH appears to dislike your daughter and I am sorry to say he also sounds brutish and violent. May be you would be more patient with her if you were not taking on board his dislike as well. She appears to have a loving relationship with her Nanny and Nanny appears to be very supportive of her. I think the sending of the money for the phone calls and broken phone wasn't purely to undermine you but Nan's way of trying to appease you and OH.

As someone who has been constantly undermined by my ex mil (though my kids are younger) The OP's mum is not supporting the daughter at all.

If she was supporting the daughter she would have spoken to the OP and her OH if she was concerned about how the OP's daughter was treated, and be working with them so that all the boundaries are consistent.

All 'nanny' seems to have taught her so far is that it's OK to kick off and ruin things at mum's house, because nanny will fix it!

I do think that taking things away (internet, TV) 'forever' is a bit much. A day, a week at most a month. The child needs to know they can use good behaviour to 'mend' the damage done!

The fact that she thinks she has lost these things 'forever' possibly means she thinks she has nothing to lose anymore and isn't going to make any effort.

thorsoak

Now I haven't read all the posts here, and I fully expect to get flamed but I have to ask - exactly who is the child and who is the parent here?

You say your daughter is throwing sweet wrappers & crisp packets everywhere - who is buying these things? If they aren't in the house, she can't have them!

I understand that you are seeing CAHMS etc - but they cannot be with you/her 24/7 - she is YOUR daughter, your responsibility - and its about time you started taking control.

She is 12 years old, for heaven's sake, she knows that she isn't wanted - you say you can't wait to palm her off on your parents, your OH tells you to take her & leave - what environment is that to expect a child to thrive in?

Start by removing ALL priviledges - no computer, so she cannot impersonate other people to post on message boards etc. Use the technique NILIF - NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE! She has to earn privileges by changing her behaviour - but similarly you have to change your behaviour/attitude towards her.