Am so stressed I could scream.....

Darlyd

Louise03 wrote: »

Are you saying you are going to leave DH? If so surely you would be entitled to benefits as you have young children. Is your relationship with your parents one that you would be welcome there and could your life be anymore unhappy and stressful than it is now?

My parents are nearly 300 miles away, I moved here for a better life, and to be honest I would prefer to stay here, as Life is better, getting support through the school for DD1 (where as before we had 0), the only downfall is my parents live to far away. But my Mum has always give in to DD1 and has a go at me all the time. It's like she missed out on me ( i was a seen and not heard child) and is making it up with DD1. Even my brother scratches his head. My Dad tells me to let her get on with it.

All the money my mum sends me for DD1 wrecking things apparently comes out of DD1 savings, (My parents save for her, but not for DD2 as mum says DD2 won't go without as she has a rich family, meaning MIL).

MIL interferes to much, she has a key and comes round when she feels like it, books holidays demands us to go, if we want to go somewhere she has the ar se because we not invited her, demands DH takes her caravan somewhere one weekend, and demands he picks it up another weekend etc etc... (Ever since FIL passed away). I think he scared of saying no to her, as she is on the deeds to the house. (long story). I just don't feel at home here. Someone mentioned on this board about me and DH selling up and getting a new home in both our names, but I don't think It would happen. I give up. No counselling will help. So much more going on than just DD1 and her temper, and I mean it's bad, you have to see it to believe it. Not just at home, worse in school... there is seriously something wrong with her, but don't know what. (hopefully find out first week of September when we see the psychiatrist).

I know I spoke to my client, we are there not just to care but for company too, of course we chat, the one I spoke to tonight was not a client, she was a friend of the wives who babysat him today, her DD been through same, but with her DS, she admitted DS came in-between her DD and SIL. And perhaps it's the same with me. (amongst the MIL too).

I can't think straight right now, But perhaps she is right, I need to move out and take some breathing space, and whilst DD1 is at my parents for August (as well as going switzerland/disney land with the guides she used to be a member off down there, luckily my mum good friends with leader) I can settle myself and DD2 into a new home, oh and my senior dog. I don't want to go into a hostel though, but apparently it's only until they can secure me a property, whether council or rented. Might not be for ever, perhaps me and DH can work on our relationship.

Louise03

delain wrote: »

As someone who has been constantly undermined by my ex mil (though my kids are younger) The OP's MIL is not supporting the daughter at all.

If she was supporting the daughter she would have spoken to the OP and her OH if she was concerned about how the OP's daughter was treated, and be working with them so that all the boundaries are consistent.

All 'nanny' seems to have taught her so far is that it's OK to kick off and ruin things at mum's house, because nanny will fix it!

I do think that taking things away (internet, TV) 'forever' is a bit much. A day, a week at most a month. The child needs to know they can use good behaviour to 'mend' the damage done!

The fact that she thinks she has lost these things 'forever' possibly means she thinks she has nothing to lose anymore and isn't going to make any effort.

I may be wrong but I think Nanny is not the OP's MIL I think it is the OP's Mother, and I do not see it as intentionally underminding the OP but a cack-handed attempt at trying to absolve some of the blame the child constantly has heaped on her. I know it is mainly self-inflicted but my heart goes out to a child who is hated at home and also hated by her peers. Punishing is obviously not working and I think "greatfulforhelps" post was the best advice ever.

Darlyd

thorsoak wrote: »

Now I haven't read all the posts here, and I fully expect to get flamed but I have to ask - exactly who is the child and who is the parent here?

You say your daughter is throwing sweet wrappers & crisp packets everywhere - who is buying these things? If they aren't in the house, she can't have them!

I understand that you are seeing CAHMS etc - but they cannot be with you/her 24/7 - she is YOUR daughter, your responsibility - and its about time you started taking control.

She is 12 years old, for heaven's sake, she knows that she isn't wanted - you say you can't wait to palm her off on your parents, your OH tells you to take her & leave - what environment is that to expect a child to thrive in?

Start by removing ALL priviledges - no computer, so she cannot impersonate other people to post on message boards etc. Use the technique NILIF - NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE! She has to earn privileges by changing her behaviour - but similarly you have to change your behaviour/attitude towards her.

If only people like you could experience what I and many other parents experience. It's not as easy as you think it is. She is very challenging. And of course I can't wait for her to go stay with my parents, we have not been apart since easter. (for a week). She loves it down there, she gets away with murder, my mum lets her rule the roost. We don't. My Dad even works late to avoid it.

Darlyd

Louise03 wrote: »

I may be wrong but I think Nanny is not the OP's MIL I think it is the OP's Mother, and I do not see it as intentionally underminding the OP but a cack-handed attempt at trying to absolve some of the blame the child constantly has heaped on her. I know it is mainly self-inflicted but my heart goes out to a child who is hated at home and also hated by her peers. Punishing is obviously not working and I think "greatfulforhelps" post was the best advice ever.

I love DD1 to pieces, and I tell her this every day. But as soon as we awake in the morning, I ask her to take her plate/bowl out, she starts! I am like OK. Then it's time to go in the bathroom, she has left a mess in there, not just the toilet. Then it's the screaming at DD2 to shut up (because something on the tv) Or move out the way. And she will push her. And DD2 will cry her little heart out, so I take DD2 upstairs for some fun. DD1 downstairs. Then it's like I shout down lets go somewhere, i get the I can't be bothered.. It's buddy hard going! She does not see no wrong, she thinks no means yes. It's ridiculous!!

delain

Louise03 wrote: »

I may be wrong but I think Nanny is not the OP's MIL I think it is the OP's Mother, and I do not see it as intentionally underminding the OP but a cack-handed attempt at trying to absolve some of the blame the child constantly has heaped on her. I know it is mainly self-inflicted but my heart goes out to a child who is hated at home and also hated by her peers. Punishing is obviously not working and I think "greatfulforhelps" post was the best advice ever.

I didn't say it was intentional, but it not being deliberate dosn't make it any less damaging, and I have now edited my post when I realised I had got it wrong, I apologise for that I have baby brain

It is very very hard to deal with a challenging child. My DD1 is also extremely challenging (at almost 9) and we are doing positive things to resolve it. Without making a conscious effort to do this, I can quite easily see us being in the OP's shoes in three years, except that my OH would never threaten to kick down a door even if really provoked, if he feels too angry to talk sensibly or doesn't know how to react to something I go do the talking, by mutual agreement.

It helps that my mum (who thought I was the meanest mum ever to DD1 but not the others) has actually seen DD1 thrown a massive paddy and try screaming at me over being asked to change out of dirty (not just worn, visibly stained) clothing before going out. Now my mum knows what I am talking about and is much more supportive. Hopefully this will happen with the OP too. My ex mil is a whole new thread all on her own, so I won't go into that :rotfl:

Darlyd

She is banned from the internet, for ever, trust me. Some inappropriate things happened! She can only access it from a friends home. Even then she is on her fb account that she set up there, messaging people abuse! She does not have a phone anymore, because I was fed up of parents knocking on my door, the abuse she used to sent their kids. Now in school it's all written notes, be my friend or else! Head of yr has all of them..

Louise03

Darlyd, I really hope your daughter gets the help she needs and that you get things clear in your head.
As an outsider it is easy for me to say you are better off on your own with the children, but I truly believe you would be. I have read some of your posts in the past and you are not happy. Your OH attitude to your daughter will never change because he does not love her and never will so you will always have a constant battle on your hands. I have been in your situation before and believe me no man would punish and threaten my child. He does not have her best interest at heart.

DX2

Poor kid!

Has her behaviour gotten worse since her bio daddy rejected her just recently?
Step daddy is a bully.
Mummy you need to get a grip on this now, to me it feels like you have given up, you don't care, you want SS or CAMHS to come in and make everything wonderful. You can't wait to get rid of her, do you not think she senses all this hate towards her?

She is being bad/wicked because she get's attention, it doesn't matter if it's negative attention it's attention to her.

pigpen

I see excuses..

Excuses for you not to take responsibility, excuses for you allowing everyone to rule you and make decisions for you and take charge. You are still being that 'seen but not heard' child...

I have 4 children with behavioural issues, 2 are violent IF I allow it.. but I don't.. One lies and steals and shows inappropriate behaviour.. if I allow it... but I don't. I don't make excuses, there are things I let ride for the sake of the peace and not wanting to be forever hammering the negative.

YOU need to learn to deal with this behaviour and finds ways to work with your daughter, right now you are working against her.. Have you ever asked her if she thinks you like her? Or if she feels like you love her? Telling someone you love them is easy, showing them is so much harder especially when half the time you don't like them and the other half you want to squish them to a pulp.

You ban the internet then let her go to her friends and go on facebook... the age limit is 13 for facebook.. why is she even on there??? Report her account and get it removed! Don't let her go to that friends. Seriously.. take control of your life!

And I thought she has no friends because she is so hateful? Where has this one come from?

If someone else was treating their daughter as you and your husband are treating her what would you do? Would you think it was fine? Look at the things you are saying about her and how you feel about her.. do you think that is healthy for her? She sounds like she has issues enough

It sounds like a very abusive place for your daughter to be as unintentional as it may be it is still very damaging for her.. and obviously for you, OH and your other daughter too.

If it makes you feel any better.. I do not like my DD3 very much, that makes me unhappy, I do not want to feel this way about one of my children, but she is simply not a very nice person. She lies and steals and sneaks and bullies and is a vindictive little winnie... however, I try not to let that cloud my treatment of her.. she gets the same treats and punishments as the others, she possibly gets more as a way to show her that when she is good and nice and pleasant she does get things because we are happy with her.. she had her DS confiscated after playing it after they were told it was bedtime.. and if she could go to bed nicely she would get it back... it has taken 5 nights.. but today she went down like a star so she will get it back tomorrow.. in the meantime DD4 has had hers removed for the same reason.

My heart goes out to you all it really does. I hit rock bottom (about the time DS1 rammed his bike into my stomach when I was 6 months pregnant causing bleeding and the baby was born 4 weeks later) about 12.5 years ago. I had no help or support from anywhere, in fact I was accused of all sorts of rubbish which was all unfounded and untrue. I looked for help in every place I could think of and focussed on making it right rather than wallowing in what was wrong.

Leaving hubby is possibly the right decision, he doesn't sound a very positive influence on you. You sound scared and alone and are obviously not happy either. I am sure there are other options for you before it comes to that.

I did suggest before family therapy as an option so you can all work together.. him too.. you should consider it at least .. don't rule anything out.. it may be the one thing that sets you on the right path.

Noone here has the right answer or the magic wand but you need to work together as a unit. Lots of us have children with challenging behaviour, we do understand and we are all saying the same thing.. YOU have to change this... we can support from here and cheer your progress but we can't make it all better.

Money_maker

darlyd wrote: »

I know I spoke to my client, we are there not just to care but for company too, of course we chat, the one I spoke to tonight was not a client, she was a friend of the wives who babysat him today, her DD been through same, but with her DS, she admitted DS came in-between her DD and SIL. And perhaps it's the same with me. (amongst the MIL too).

Alyth is right, though, you are really meant to be a ray of sunshine to the clients and support for them not vice versa. We used to have a carer who would go in to each client pouring out tales of woe about her OH who was apparently abusive :eek:. This eventually stopped when one poor bedbound lady had enough of being a sitting target for months - she used to dread the arrival of this carer who affected her health in a negative way.

You do however, have my sympathies - it sounds as though each and every one of you are desperately unhappy. No answers from me but in the case of disharmony in the family, I always think that everyone should eat at least one meal together every day and spend some time afterwards just talking.