Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

nickyhutch

lostinrates wrote: »

nickyhutch wrote: »

How will you feel knowing that he's there playing "happy families" in his old home while you're climbing the walls alone, wondering what he's doing with them/her?

You will have tearful, angry phonecalls/visits. She will despise you and make life hell for you if she can. Your new man will be under a lot of stress and pressure, so there will be rows, arguments, threats - all of which will put a strain on a new relationship. It will NOT be easy.

If you get past this bit, being a stepfamily is not fun, I promise you. Every other weekend will be their weekend - your life will not be your own. You will be spending time and money and effort on children who don't like you and don't want to be with you. The children will resent you (either off their own back or because of comments made by Mum). They might hate you and refuse to see Dad with you, which will mean you don't get to see your new man on the weekend. You will be bound to these children for as long as your relationship with their Dad continues - financially, amotionally - the lot. Even when the children are not with you, Dad will still have comittments to them. He may ring them every day, they may ring him every evening as you sit down to dinner, or to watch a film. Mum might ring to say little x has hurt his arm/broken his leg/got a toothache/is crying for Dad and is inconsolable, and he will sometimes have to dash over there all of a sudden, abandoning you so he can see the children. He will have parents evenings, school concerts and parties to go to, which you will not be welcome at (even if you want to go). Can you cope with this?

What about his other family? His parents, brothers, sisters etc.? Will they accept you with open arms, or will they side with Mum, putting even more strain on your new man? What about your family? How will they react? Your friends, colleagues? WIll he start to resent you because he is losing family and friends?

QUOTE]

I'm not a parent, but a lot of that sounds like what I expect ANY family is like. I don't see that, sorry. TBH I'm a little shocked that anyone sounds so resentful about a partner spending time with his children, especially dashing over if they are hurt, upset or ill. (I hope this is just an inferrence from written word, which is very likely ) Yes, it is: I didn't state anywhere that I had had any or all of these issues.

Being a step family can be fine. I have a half sister, she's been an equal in our family and her dad used to baby sit me sometimes. Veyr close family friends have also made successful families, with happy, interacting children and step parents. The very closest is one divorced parent and one widowed...no affaire but a step family.

Step families can work, I'm sorry in your situation they haven't.

I didn't say it hadn't - it's not great, but we're ok. I hope you're not implying that I'm a bit crap just because it's not brilliant - hopefully it's an inferrence from the written word.

I know they do work - my own little stepfamily at home - me, OH and DS17 have got along absolutely fine since OH moved in when DS was 10. Not a single problem. DS and OH adore each other.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

lostinrates wrote: »

I didn't say it hadn't - it's not great, but we're ok. I hope you're not implying that I'm a bit crap just because it's not brilliant - hopefully it's an inferrence from the written word.

I know they do work - my own little stepfamily at home - me, OH and DS17 have got along absolutely fine since OH moved in when DS was 10. Not a single problem. DS and OH adore each other.

I'm not implying anything about YOU. I don't know you and have never even ''met'' you on the forum fbefore as far as I know. I AM saying I think the expression of complaint of a partner parenting children is selfish (perhaps unavoidable? I don';t know, not having been in the situation).I accept those are emotions you are not necessarily feeling but voicing hypothetifcally, as I stated in previous post.

If I were implying anything personally it would include me;), as I have fun sometimes with my in laws...another problem you raise as a potential niggle. Its not just mistresses in laws don't like. Different religions, backgorunds, colours can all be a problem for some.

nickyhutch

lostinrates wrote: »

nickyhutch wrote: »

I'm not implying anything about YOU. I don't know you and have never even ''met'' you on the forum fbefore as far as I know. I AM saying I think the expression of complaint Who complained? I was just making OP aware of the ramifications of taking on a new man who already has children. It IS more difficult when the children are not your own. of a partner parenting children is selfish (perhaps unavoidable? I don';t know, not having been in the situation).I accept those are emotions you are not necessarily feeling but voicing hypothetifcally, as I stated in previous post.

If I were implying anything personally it would include me;), as I have fun sometimes with my in laws...another problem you raise as a potential niggle. Its not just mistresses in laws don't like. Different religions, backgorunds, colours can all be a problem for some.

In laws can be very problematic, especially where the first wife was much-adored. I was lucky - my Mum in Law accepted me straight away because (she said) she could see an immediate change in OH. He was happy, and hadn't been for years.

janninew

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

How can an affair possibly have a happy ending?

My mother had affairs when I was growing up. My parents eventually divorced when I was 15 and screw*d me over for life because of it. My husband had an affair, got a woman pregnant and we are now trying to deal with that. It will ultimately lead to the breaking up of our family.

Having an affair with someone else's husband or wife is selfish, irresponsible and downright disrespectful to everyone concerned.

The other person should at least have the decency to either end it with their partner. If an affair is going on, there are other problems in the marriage that need to be sorted out. Communication is key (as I have found out too late).

My life has been turned upside down, my children's lives will be turned upside down when they are told and all our extended family now have to deal with the fact that there is another child on the way as well.

People who have affairs disgust me!!!!

I really feel for you and your situation, its bad enough to find your partner having an affair, but to get somebody else pregnant must be truly awful and really will effect you and your family.

The other part of your post that I wondered about what was when you mention your parents getting divorced when you were 15 and that it screwed you over for life, can I ask why you feel like this? Do you mean you can't trust people the same or you have a bad relationship with your parents? Sorry if I'm being to personal.

londoner1998

lostinrates wrote: »

nickyhutch wrote: »

How will you feel knowing that he's there playing "happy families" in his old home while you're climbing the walls alone, wondering what he's doing with them/her?

You will have tearful, angry phonecalls/visits. She will despise you and make life hell for you if she can. Your new man will be under a lot of stress and pressure, so there will be rows, arguments, threats - all of which will put a strain on a new relationship. It will NOT be easy.

If you get past this bit, being a stepfamily is not fun, I promise you. Every other weekend will be their weekend - your life will not be your own. You will be spending time and money and effort on children who don't like you and don't want to be with you. The children will resent you (either off their own back or because of comments made by Mum). They might hate you and refuse to see Dad with you, which will mean you don't get to see your new man on the weekend. You will be bound to these children for as long as your relationship with their Dad continues - financially, amotionally - the lot. Even when the children are not with you, Dad will still have comittments to them. He may ring them every day, they may ring him every evening as you sit down to dinner, or to watch a film. Mum might ring to say little x has hurt his arm/broken his leg/got a toothache/is crying for Dad and is inconsolable, and he will sometimes have to dash over there all of a sudden, abandoning you so he can see the children. He will have parents evenings, school concerts and parties to go to, which you will not be welcome at (even if you want to go). Can you cope with this?

What about his other family? His parents, brothers, sisters etc.? Will they accept you with open arms, or will they side with Mum, putting even more strain on your new man? What about your family? How will they react? Your friends, colleagues? WIll he start to resent you because he is losing family and friends?

QUOTE]

I'm not a parent, but a lot of that sounds like what I expect ANY family is like. TBH I'm a little shocked that anyone sounds so resentful about a partner spending time with his children, especially dashing over if they are hurt, upset or ill. (I hope this is just an inferrence from written word, which is very likely )

Being a step family can be fine. I have a half sister, she's been an equal in our family and her dad used to baby sit me sometimes. Veyr close family friends have also made successful families, with happy, interacting children and step parents. The very closest is one divorced parent and one widowed...no affaire but a step family.

Step families can work, I'm sorry in your situation they haven't.

I agree with this. The situation described is not necessarily that one oa man who have left hsi wife/girlfriends for his mistress. It is rather that more and more common set up of someone with children from a previous relationship. I have been in that situation, as my OH has a 13 years old with his first girlfriend, and while it is not easy at all, it is in no way comparable with that of a mistress (which I have been too,over a decide ago). There is a big difference between a man who spends time with his children (and again, not easy but that is the way it should be, whatever the set up) and a man who lies to his wife or partner and mistress about the existance of each other and his whereabouts.
Could it not be eaiser ot get a man that can/want to give you his full attention in the romantic department (and I say this becasue men with children have their attention on their children too)...?

londoner1998

euronorris wrote: »

In response to those saying the kids will be alright, they adjust easily, they've gone on to be functional adults etc etc. That's great, I don't think the majority of kids would end up in the gutter as a result of an affair, but I find it hard to believe that it doesn't have an adverse effect on how they view relationships (whether they realise it or not yet). I'm only going by my experience of friends who's parents were involved in affairs. They have HUGE trust issues, of course some of them will tell you they don't, but they really do.

My OH' parents separated when he was 10 years old and both had affairs. He had never spoken to me about it and I always thought they were all very civil towards each other. One day, after work,after about three years together my OH called me and asked me to meet him in a resturant. He had been having a tough time at work and I couldn't believe it when he started telling me about his parents' affairs, the fact that a mistress left messages for his dad on the answerphone and how he remembered asking his mum 'who was that lady on the phone?'. He has never talked to his parents about it, but it came out that evening (after a few beers and him being the most anxious and angry I have ever seem him). He is the kind of guy that keeps things quiet, so I understood then that it still hurts him, and a lot, the fact that his parents did what they did and then coupled up leaving him to fence for himself as a teenager. Even a year of conselling, at that time, didn;t do anything, as he never ever uttered a word during those sessions.

While he is a successful, honest guy, and highly functional, that doesn't mean that he didn't suffer from it and struggles with communication issues which often bring friction to the relationship

janninew

londoner1998 wrote: »

My OH' parents separated when he was 10 years old and both had affairs. He had never spoken to me about it and I always thought they were all very civil towards each other. One day, after work,after about three years together my OH called me and asked me to meet him in a resturant. He had been having a tough time at work and I couldn't believe it when he started telling me about his parents' affairs, the fact that a mistress left messages for his dad on the answerphone and how he remembered asking his mum 'who was that lady on the phone?'. He has never talked to his parents about it, but it came out that evening (after a few beers and him being the most anxious and angry I have ever seem him). He is the kind of guy that keeps things quiet, so I understood then that it still hurts him, and a lot, the fact that his parents did what they did and then coupled up leaving him to fence for himself as a teenager. Even a year of conselling, at that time, didn;t do anything, as he never ever uttered a word during those sessions.

While he is a successful, honest guy, and highly functional, that doesn't mean that he didn't suffer from it and struggles with communication issues which often bring friction to the relationship

Was it just the having affairs that affected him do you think, or also the fact that his parents left him to fend for himself as a teenager? I believe that people can still be good parents to their kids even if they have had an affair, not bothering with him as teen sounds terrible though.

xxxxhelpxxxx

janninew wrote: »

I really feel for you and your situation, its bad enough to find your partner having an affair, but to get somebody else pregnant must be truly awful and really will effect you and your family.

The other part of your post that I wondered about what was when you mention your parents getting divorced when you were 15 and that it screwed you over for life, can I ask why you feel like this? Do you mean you can't trust people the same or you have a bad relationship with your parents? Sorry if I'm being to personal.

I think it has left me with trust issues. I remember a series of "uncles" when I was growing up. My mother was still with my dad at the time. I remember arguments and swore I would never do that to my children in the future. I never though I would ever be in that situation!!! I thought that by keeping quiet about anything that bothered me, I was doing the right thing!

My relationship with my parents is not as close as it could be, especially with my mother. It has taken a long time for her to be happy again (she went through a series of inappropriate relationships). She is now happy and we can talk easily and she does not want or need to be the centre of attention any more.

sorryisjustaword

Long time lurker on these forums but had to register to let you know my story. Im married and had an affair with a married man, it lasted 4 yrs and i thought he was my soul mate. I planned to leave my husband and he kept telling me he would leave his wife ,we both have kids so it wasnt easy.

Anyways i started to have my doubts about him ever leaving,and something just didnt feel right. Had an opportunity 1 night to read his emails and i was shocked to find he wasnt just promising himself to me , he was seemingly in love with another 5 women. God knows were he got the energy or time but he had been seeing all of us.

I finished it there and then, and as far as im aware he is still with his wife,....im not proud of what i did to my family, or the hurt i would have caused if i had left them, but i learnt my lesson the hard way and if you dont get out of it now you will probably learn it the same way, sorry for the rambling.

londoner1998

janninew wrote: »

Was it just the having affairs that affected him do you think, or also the fact that his parents left him to fend for himself as a teenager? I believe that people can still be good parents to their kids even if they have had an affair, not bothering with him as teen sounds terrible though.

I think both , probably, but the fact that he suddenly started to talk about it that evening, and had to get drunk to talk about his parents affairs, completely out of the blue tells me that it wasn't easy for him... although it had neer been an issue before, if you know what I mean. His mum took him to a spychologist after the divorce and he didn't open his mouth, session after session. Years later is when they remarried (he was 17 by then) and sometimes he does mention the fact that they coupled up and he was doing his thing.. he admits it is was great at the time to be independent, but with hindisght not the best thing... what realy stuck to him was these women calling up and leaving messages in the asnwerphone. So yeah, his mum knew and so did him and his brother, even though on the surface everything was 'fine'...why not waiting until being out of the marriage to have his adventures?