Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

a1969baby

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

If they came to me whining that they don't know what to do because they're not getting enough out their illicit relationship, I would. I have spoken strongly but the OP's "it's nothing to do with me act" regarding her husband's betrayed wife and children repels me.

Maybe its because I have never been cheated on, or been a cheater, or been the other woman, but I CANNOT for the life of me see how the happiness of this man's wife and children is the responsibility of the OP. Nor can I see why it would be her place to tell the wife.

None of us know the state of the man's marriage but I'm sure he wouldn't be cheating if he was truly happy. Most men don't start relationships with other women just for the hell of it, or just because they can - why would they jeopardise what they already have?

Perhaps the wife suspects and doesn't care? Maybe she's only staying until the children are older? Who knows? Only the people involved really know exactly what is going on, we only know what we read on here.

JBD

a1969baby wrote: »

None of us know the state of the man's marriage but I'm sure he wouldn't be cheating if he was truly happy. Most men don't start relationships with other women just for the hell of it, or just because they can - why would they jeopardise what they already have?

I've really got to disagree with this point. Plenty of people [men and women] do start relationships with other people 'just for the hell of it'. They think they can get away with it and that they are somehow entitled to have the marriage and family life and the excitement and risktaking of an affair.
In any case, marriage doesn't equal being 'truly happy' as you put it, any more than being single does. Is there any such thing as true happiness? Life isn't perfect for anyone.

Bogof_Babe

You can tell by the straying partner's horror at being found out that they were not in a very bad place in their marriage, otherwise they would breathe a sigh of relief that it's all in the open at last.

When I told mine that it would be comparatively straightforward to sort the finances out and go our separate ways (no children and we have a second home) he was panic stricken at the idea. I think that moment was the short sharp shock that suddenly brought all his stupidity into focus.

clearingout

janninew wrote: »

Yes my Brother cheated on his partner, but I still consider him to be normal! But at the end of the day I can only speak for myself, hence why I said children can adapt and have healthy relationships, I do accept some will be affected in their adult lives and not be able to have normal relationships.
My Brother could still have cheated even if our Dad didn't have the affair, who knows!

It's a fair point. However, where children are brought up in stable situations with 'normal' parents who have the odd fight, the odd worry, but communicate with each other and communicate as well with their children, I should think there are greater odds on those children growing up understanding that ups and downs in marriage are to be expected and are all part of life's great tapestry. By contrast, those children who have parents who split up as a result of third party involvement, where there is continued acrimony, financial difficulties and/or disparities between the two households, bullying and emotional abuse, threats (sometimes carried out) to use the children against one or other of the parents....have less of a chance at sustaining long-standing relationships simply because they have learnt that walking away, bullying, shouting, getting one over on another person, is all part and parcel of being an adult!

We learn from our parents. Like your mum, I have done what I can to be 'nice' about my ex in front of the children. I believe they are not aware of the level of acrimony that exists between us. My ex is less careful about what he says and does in front of the children but I admit I've heard of far worse! However, they have seen me bullied and manipulated and at 7, my eldest worries me in his absolute failure to face up to the consequences of his actions, just like his dad. I'm hoping he grows out of it!

nickyhutch

Heck, what vicious comments.

OP - you know my feelings on your predicament. You have to choose between getting the hell out, hanging on in, or giving him a deadline.

When you're making your decision, make sure you think about, REALLY think about, what your life will be like if he leaves his wife for you. There will be immediate and huge fallout - an angry, humiliated, heartbroken wife who may try her very hardest to keep hold of him rather than let him go. He may leave her, then go back if she talks him round. If not, you will have to deal with his wife being very much "in your face" for some time while things are thrashed out. Financial arrangements will have to be made. Will she need to move out of the family home? Arrangements for the (very upset) children will have to be made - when and where will he see them? Will they want to see him? Will she make it very difficult for him to see them, or will they be horrid to you when you see them, thus putting a HUGE strain on the two of you (it will be your fault, I promise). Will she say he can see them, but only at her home? How will you feel knowing that he's there playing "happy families" in his old home while you're climbing the walls alone, wondering what he's doing with them/her?

You will have tearful, angry phonecalls/visits. She will despise you and make life hell for you if she can. Your new man will be under a lot of stress and pressure, so there will be rows, arguments, threats - all of which will put a strain on a new relationship. It will NOT be easy.

If you get past this bit, being a stepfamily is not fun, I promise you. Every other weekend will be their weekend - your life will not be your own. You will be spending time and money and effort on children who don't like you and don't want to be with you. The children will resent you (either off their own back or because of comments made by Mum). They might hate you and refuse to see Dad with you, which will mean you don't get to see your new man on the weekend. You will be bound to these children for as long as your relationship with their Dad continues - financially, amotionally - the lot. Even when the children are not with you, Dad will still have comittments to them. He may ring them every day, they may ring him every evening as you sit down to dinner, or to watch a film. Mum might ring to say little x has hurt his arm/broken his leg/got a toothache/is crying for Dad and is inconsolable, and he will sometimes have to dash over there all of a sudden, abandoning you so he can see the children. He will have parents evenings, school concerts and parties to go to, which you will not be welcome at (even if you want to go). Can you cope with this?

What about his other family? His parents, brothers, sisters etc.? Will they accept you with open arms, or will they side with Mum, putting even more strain on your new man? What about your family? How will they react? Your friends, colleagues? WIll he start to resent you because he is losing family and friends?

You know I'm on your side, but as someone who's seen affairs, divorce and stepfamiles from every possible (except for being cheated on), PLEASE consider all this. I don't think you're horrid, thoughtless, uncaring, selfish, pious and all the other stuff you've been called on here, but yo'd be daft to go into this without considering all the above.

Have a look on the stepfamily message boards on ivillage.co.uk, and on the forums and blogs on www.steptalk.org. Very scary stuff, some of it.

I do wish you well, and hope that you get everything you truly want, with as little hurt and disruption to everyone concerned. Good luck :-)

POPPYOSCAR

a1969baby wrote: »

Maybe its because I have never been cheated on, or been a cheater, or been the other woman, but I CANNOT for the life of me see how the happiness of this man's wife and children is the responsibility of the OP. Nor can I see why it would be her place to tell the wife.

None of us know the state of the man's marriage but I'm sure he wouldn't be cheating if he was truly happy. Most men don't start relationships with other women just for the hell of it, or just because they can - why would they jeopardise what they already have?

Perhaps the wife suspects and doesn't care? Maybe she's only staying until the children are older? Who knows? Only the people involved really know exactly what is going on, we only know what we read on here.

Well I have been cheated on but I still agree with you.

At no time did I blame her. If he had been happy with me it would have never happened.

As I said before, for me it made no difference there was someone else.I was distraught that he no longer loved me and wanted to leave me.

podperson

I don't really want to wade in on the moral debate here but when I was younger I had a relationship with a guy who had a long term girlfriend. I suppose it was akin to being in a bit of a bubble as I was aware of her but we would rarely discuss her and I would try to think of her as little as possible. I had all the comments from friends, the 'how can you not feel guilty about it,' and mainly the question as mentioned on here earlier - 'how can you believe him when he says he loves you'. I would answer them the same as you have OP - that I just knew, it wasn't just that he said it it was the way he acted around me, the attentiveness, the little touches, the fact we could talk for hours about everything and nothing, the connection I felt with him. I think that was the main reason why I felt I could justify it to myself as I was sure that he couldn't possibly feel like this with his girlfriend so that must make it ok. (I was rather naive back then!)
Anyway we worked together and on a work do he brought his girlfriend along. I had seen her before but all night I watched them as he was attentive to her, as he would give her little touches, as they would talk and laugh and as she looked at him with complete trust and total love. It was almost like a veil had been lifted for me and I realised that I had been almost thinking of her as just someone who was there in the background not someone that he was in love with and that he was sharing a lot more of his life with then he was with me. It sounds very silly but I almost felt cheated on as I felt like he had misled me on the way things were with them - then I realised I had more misled myself. Needless to say it finished and I was grateful it hadn't gone further.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that he may think he loves you - he may even really love you - but he loves her as well or he wouldn't still be with her (I'm sorry but staying for the children is a bit of a poor excuse, they will be upset whatever age they are at). He may make you feel special when you're with him but you have no way of knowing what he's like when he's with her. Both you and his wife deserve to have someone who loves them so much that they don't need to be with anyone else.

janninew

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Well I have been cheated on but I still agree with you.

At no time did I blame her. If he had been happy with me it would have never happened.

As I said before, for me it made no difference there was someone else.I was distraught that he no longer loved me and wanted to leave me.

This was exactly the same for me. I didn't care about the other women, my happiness was nothing to her and vice versa. The only thing that mattered to me was my husband no longer loved me and I felt so betrayed and lonely. This other women hardly ever entered my head.

I've said it before previously on this thread and that is maybe his wife does know about the affair? I knew within weeks that something was amiss when my ex started to cheat. I know the OP said he takes days off work to spend time with her every few weeks, does the wife not wonder what her husband does with his annual leave from work?

POPPYOSCAR

janninew wrote: »

This was exactly the same for me. I didn't care about the other women, my happiness was nothing to her and vice versa. The only thing that mattered to me was my husband no longer loved me and I felt so betrayed and lonely. This other women hardly ever entered my head.

I've said it before previously on this thread and that is maybe his wife does know about the affair? I knew within weeks that something was amiss when my ex started to cheat. I know the OP said he takes days off work to spend time with her every few weeks, does the wife not wonder what her husband does with his annual leave from work?

Yes I have said something along those lines as well as I have a friend who I think her husband cheats on her, but I think she prefers to ignore it as it is easier for her to do so, as she does not want her marriage to break up.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

How will you feel knowing that he's there playing "happy families" in his old home while you're climbing the walls alone, wondering what he's doing with them/her?

You will have tearful, angry phonecalls/visits. She will despise you and make life hell for you if she can. Your new man will be under a lot of stress and pressure, so there will be rows, arguments, threats - all of which will put a strain on a new relationship. It will NOT be easy.

If you get past this bit, being a stepfamily is not fun, I promise you. Every other weekend will be their weekend - your life will not be your own. You will be spending time and money and effort on children who don't like you and don't want to be with you. The children will resent you (either off their own back or because of comments made by Mum). They might hate you and refuse to see Dad with you, which will mean you don't get to see your new man on the weekend. You will be bound to these children for as long as your relationship with their Dad continues - financially, amotionally - the lot. Even when the children are not with you, Dad will still have comittments to them. He may ring them every day, they may ring him every evening as you sit down to dinner, or to watch a film. Mum might ring to say little x has hurt his arm/broken his leg/got a toothache/is crying for Dad and is inconsolable, and he will sometimes have to dash over there all of a sudden, abandoning you so he can see the children. He will have parents evenings, school concerts and parties to go to, which you will not be welcome at (even if you want to go). Can you cope with this?

What about his other family? His parents, brothers, sisters etc.? Will they accept you with open arms, or will they side with Mum, putting even more strain on your new man? What about your family? How will they react? Your friends, colleagues? WIll he start to resent you because he is losing family and friends?

QUOTE]

I'm not a parent, but a lot of that sounds like what I expect ANY family is like. TBH I'm a little shocked that anyone sounds so resentful about a partner spending time with his children, especially dashing over if they are hurt, upset or ill. (I hope this is just an inferrence from written word, which is very likely )

Being a step family can be fine. I have a half sister, she's been an equal in our family and her dad used to baby sit me sometimes. Veyr close family friends have also made successful families, with happy, interacting children and step parents. The very closest is one divorced parent and one widowed...no affaire but a step family.

Step families can work, I'm sorry in your situation they haven't.