Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

euronorris

newcook wrote: »

I too can say hand on heart I have no trust issues! My parents divorced many years ago because my dad met and fell in love with someone and decided to be with her – they actually ended up getting married!

However, after 3 months of them being married it turned out my dad had been having an affair with her best mate…
They got divorced, the woman who was having an affair got divorced from her husband and my dad and this woman got married… however…

She ended up going off with an old friend of hers (he had a fair bit of money) so she divorced my dad and married him, then when he died a few years back she got back in touch with my dad who went running (as she had inherited the money) and the pair of them have a love/hate alcoholic relationship – they cant live together but they cant live apart and they are each others drinking buddys.

If anyone was to have trust issues, I would probably be a prime candidate! If anything, I am the opposite and perhaps too trusting – mainly because I trust that @rseholes like my dad are few and far between!

I really hope that you are OK, and don't have any trust issues, but for many that isn't the case. 2 of my friends, who's parents had affairs with each other, have quite a warped view of how marriage is supposed to work. Both expecting to be on their 2nd marriage before 40 and before they've even married the first time. It makes me soo sad.

Besides, it isn't really the point. The point is, you can not possibly know if your child is one who will deal with it well or not. Best to always put them first. If anyone on the verge of an affair just thought of their kids, and decided to put them first, it would save a great deal of heartache.

And that doesn't mean that their wife is not considered, as part of putting the children first would be working on their marriage as much as possible to return to a happy and balanced home life.

lostinrates

newcook wrote: »

do you mean should not be stayed in if unhappy? or do you mean that it should be worked on until they can get happy again?

Typo...apologies! Should NOT be stayed in!

KRB2725

purpletoenails wrote: »

No she does not know about, but my son, who is 22 is aware of it and has met him.

I do not want her to know as I don't feel there is any benefit to her knowing as things currently stand.

I honestly would not want her to be in any of those positions, I certainly didn't ever intend to find myself in the position that I am currently in, but I am, and now I'm trying to decide what to do.

I haven't read all the replies so this may be repetitive, but what a terrible example you are setting to your son.

How would you feel if your son treated his wife and your grandchildren this way? What would you have to say about the woman that was helping undermine and potentially destroy his family? You are that woman.

Furthermore, I hope your daughter never finds out, as I would imagne you wouldn't want her to think your example is one to be followed.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you need to look beyond yourself.

gettingbackontrack

[QUOTE=aShe_knew_that_she_was_going_to_come_under_a_lot_of_fire_for_having_an_affair,_but_the_question_she_asked_wasn't_whether_what_she_was_doing_was_right_

Er, that was my point. There was no sense that the OP acknowledged what she is doing is wrong. Her motive for posting was could she get more out of this relationship. She states "I have a conscience" but then displays a complete lack of conscience in that it's all about her and her needs, plus her lover's happiness. Not an iota of consideration for his wife or children. She knew what she was going into and made that choice. So did her lover. His wife and children have never had that choice.

Perhaps if the OP HAD asked whether she was doing the right thing, people wouldn't have thought her bereft of conscience and values. I know the word morals is old fashioned these -and will no doubt be sneered at by the "I had an affair, it was fine and I don;'t care what anyone thinks or if anyone's hurt posters" - but that's at the heart of the matter.

The OP hasn't shown any sense that what she is doing is hurtful to other people. As long as she's OK, she seems to think it's fine.

a1969baby

Originally Posted by purpletoenails
I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. You've consistently protested that your lover's home life is nothing to do with you. But it is. You're wrecking a home (even if he doesn't leave them, the betrayal has happened. The lies can't be unsaid. The trust, loyalty and respect have been shattered). However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation? A man you like (for some reason). The fact he's another woman's husband doesn't seem to have bothered you at all. It's all about what YOU want - not about what's right. I could muse and question whether you're a lonely singleton who's so desperate that someone else's man is better than none. I suspect you'll say not. I could also wonder if you're rather enjoying the attention on this thread. It's putting you at the centre of something, isn't it? One thing I DO think is that if you had some self-respect (let alone respect for another woman and her children) you wouldn't have put yourself in this situation. If you're trying to play the pity card (oh woe is me, I'm getting nothing from this, I'm a victim...) I wouldn't bother. You know exactly what you're doing, you know exactly what you should do but you don;t have the courage/morals/compassion/sense of decency/honesty to do it. Every second he spends with you is a lie. And there some truly innocent victims in this sleazy scenario who will pay the price for your selfishness and deceit (and it is yours, as well as his).

Gettingbackontrack - I wonder if this was a situation involving someone you know, your sister, your best friend, your daughter for example, would you be happy to also speak to them in the way you have spoken to the OP?

clearingout

janninew wrote: »

As for some posters saying his/her children may never forgive them, possibly or as in my case you do, they are your parents, you move on. Nearly every man in my family has cheated on their partners (Dad, Grandad, Brother, Ex Husband) My Dad left my Mum when I was 10 years old, she had just given birth to my younger brother 10 days earlier when he walked out to move to Scotland to live with he new girlfriend. It took me around 6 months to want to see him again, but eventually we built our relationship back up and now I can honestly say we are very close.

It was a despicable thing to do to my Mum, especially so soon after giving birth, but I was a 10 year old girl who loved her Daddy and still wanted to be with him. I've not turned out messed up because of what happened, children can go on to lead perfectly normal lives after separation and affairs, they are often more adaptable than adults. It probably did help that my Mum never slagged him off in front of me and never stopped me from calling/seeing him when I wanted. As an adult now I can appreciate how hard that must have been for her.

Affairs can cause so much hurt and pain, but in my case things did work out ok and my relationship with both parents is fantastic. My Dad is now married to the women he left my mum for and they have 2 children of their own.

I highlight the bits above because they would seem to contradict each other. If your brother went on to have an affair, after what he experienced with your dad, I wouldn't think that he's grown up 'normal' or somehow un-scared by the experience. My ex was adamant he would never be his dad - serial adulterer, angry, never able to settle with a woman post-divorce. And that's exactly the man he seems now to be! I would hazard a guess his behaviour is somehow 'learnt' and that he finds a respectability in it because his dad did it before him which somehow makes it normal and OK. I suspect my ex talked at length with his dad before leaving me - and not his mum, who undoubtedly would have had a different perspective so he avoided seeking that particular perspective out because it wasn't one he wanted to hear.

I agree children adapt. Mine certainly have, more or less. And I certainly prefer that they grow up with my ex and I apart happy rather than together and unhappy. But none of that makes my ex's actions 'right' or 'OK' or 'reasonable in the circumstances'. I said it earlier in the thread but probably worth repeating again - fall for another person but respect both that person and the person you are with by ending the relationship before embarking on something else. It's hard, yes. But long term, I think it's easier because at the point when you realise the relationship wasn't great, that both parties did and said things they shouldn't, that it was probably never going to work out all things considered, you're able to move on without the demon of the 'other' and the betrayal hanging over both of you.

gettingbackontrack

a1969baby wrote: »

Originally Posted by purpletoenails
I've never once tried to pretend I'm innocent - clearly I'm not. You've consistently protested that your lover's home life is nothing to do with you. But it is. You're wrecking a home (even if he doesn't leave them, the betrayal has happened. The lies can't be unsaid. The trust, loyalty and respect have been shattered). However, I would still like to know what you think I am gaining from being in this situation? A man you like (for some reason). The fact he's another woman's husband doesn't seem to have bothered you at all. It's all about what YOU want - not about what's right. I could muse and question whether you're a lonely singleton who's so desperate that someone else's man is better than none. I suspect you'll say not. I could also wonder if you're rather enjoying the attention on this thread. It's putting you at the centre of something, isn't it? One thing I DO think is that if you had some self-respect (let alone respect for another woman and her children) you wouldn't have put yourself in this situation. If you're trying to play the pity card (oh woe is me, I'm getting nothing from this, I'm a victim...) I wouldn't bother. You know exactly what you're doing, you know exactly what you should do but you don;t have the courage/morals/compassion/sense of decency/honesty to do it. Every second he spends with you is a lie. And there some truly innocent victims in this sleazy scenario who will pay the price for your selfishness and deceit (and it is yours, as well as his).

Gettingbackontrack - I wonder if this was a situation involving someone you know, your sister, your best friend, your daughter for example, would you be happy to also speak to them in the way you have spoken to the OP?

If they came to me whining that they don't know what to do because they're not getting enough out their illicit relationship, I would. I have spoken strongly but the OP's "it's nothing to do with me act" regarding her husband's betrayed wife and children repels me.

newcook

euronorris wrote: »

I really hope that you are OK, and don't have any trust issues, but for many that isn't the case. 2 of my friends, who's parents had affairs with each other, have quite a warped view of how marriage is supposed to work. Both expecting to be on their 2nd marriage before 40 and before they've even married the first time. It makes me soo sad.

Besides, it isn't really the point. The point is, you can not possibly know if your child is one who will deal with it well or not. Best to always put them first. If anyone on the verge of an affair just thought of their kids, and decided to put them first, it would save a great deal of heartache.

And that doesn't mean that their wife is not considered, as part of putting the children first would be working on their marriage as much as possible to return to a happy and balanced home life.

I really am ok!!!!

I think some of how the kids turn out is due to a lot of things - how old the kids are when their parents split and how bitter the split was plays a massive part. luckily I was only about 5 and only remember a couple of rows where as my brother is 5 years older and therefore remembers more – neither of us have known my mom to have been bitter towards my dad and she went on to have a happy relationship with my stepdad who she has been married to for 15 years.

I think kids are more likely to rebel and swear off marriage if the parents stay together until the children are older – there is nothing worse than living in a war zone (even when the parents are pretending nothing is wrong there is always an atmosphere)

janninew

clearingout wrote: »

I highlight the bits above because they would seem to contradict each other. If your brother went on to have an affair, after what he experienced with your dad, I wouldn't think that he's grown up 'normal' or somehow un-scared by the experience. My ex was adamant he would never be his dad - serial adulterer, angry, never able to settle with a woman post-divorce. And that's exactly the man he seems now to be! I would hazard a guess his behaviour is somehow 'learnt' and that he finds a respectability in it because his dad did it before him which somehow makes it normal and OK. I suspect my ex talked at length with his dad before leaving me - and not his mum, who undoubtedly would have had a different perspective so he avoided seeking that particular perspective out because it wasn't one he wanted to hear.

I agree children adapt. Mine certainly have, more or less. And I certainly prefer that they grow up with my ex and I apart happy rather than together and unhappy. But none of that makes my ex's actions 'right' or 'OK' or 'reasonable in the circumstances'. I said it earlier in the thread but probably worth repeating again - fall for another person but respect both that person and the person you are with by ending the relationship before embarking on something else. It's hard, yes. But long term, I think it's easier because at the point when you realise the relationship wasn't great, that both parties did and said things they shouldn't, that it was probably never going to work out all things considered, you're able to move on without the demon of the 'other' and the betrayal hanging over both of you.

Yes my Brother cheated on his partner, but I still consider him to be normal! But at the end of the day I can only speak for myself, hence why I said children can adapt and have healthy relationships, I do accept some will be affected in their adult lives and not be able to have normal relationships.
My Brother could still have cheated even if our Dad didn't have the affair, who knows!

janninew

lostinrates wrote: »

I agree children are adaptable. I also agree marriages should be stayed in if they are unhappy.*

But I can't help wonder if a lasting impact of the infidelities is that generations of men in the family cheat...and generations of women ''accept'' or ''expect'' it? Pretty impossible to determine one way or another, but a possibilty.

I also wanted to say how lucky you are your parents and especially your mother were so mature and put your needs first and behaved ''well''. Its wonderful to read that.

* edit typo...I think prolonging an unhappy relationship is not a good thing (though I do think many fail to give it a decent second chance and make changes needed on bothside for any relationship to be happy)!

My Mum is a wonderful women and couldn't have handled things better, she really did put us children first. I can only imagine how easy it would have been for her to be bitter and use us as pawns to get one over on my Dad. Luckily for me she knew how close me and my Dad are and that it wouldn't have been right to stop us seeing each other just because he had an affair.